


About You

by loonagarbage



Series: The Loona Lesbiverse [4]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Long, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:22:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 142,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonagarbage/pseuds/loonagarbage
Summary: Ha Sooyoung is known on campus as a bit of a prolific lesbian, but high school senior Jiwoo wouldn't know anything about that. When the two girls cross paths, will opposites attract, or will the two wanting such different things wind up being the downfall of a budding relationship?





	1. "Sooyoung"

**Author's Note:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

**_Jiwoo’s POV_ **

It smelt like bitter coffee beans and floor cleaner in the break room Jungeun had gently pushed me into. Not the most welcome smell, but I knew I’d get used to it. I had to! Normally I didn’t like the smell of coffee, but the longer I stood there while Jungeun puttered around in a locker toward the back, the more it was growing on me. I stood patiently, smiling at nothing in particular, bouncing slightly up and down on the balls of my feet.

“Ah, here,” She tugged an apron and a cap out from a mismatched pile, straightening up and returning to me. She casually plopped the cap onto my head and slung the apron around my neck, already moving behind me to tie the dangling strings. Her hands moved fast and precisely as she pulled and crossed them, tightening the bow as I let out a quick breath, “Too tight?” She asked gently.

“Sorta,” I squirmed and she loosened the tie, giving me some more room to breathe. I spun on my heel to face her, probably being way more excited than I should’ve been. What else was new? She rolled her eyes at me, something I’d more than gotten used to, “How do I look??” I asked, posing with my hand on my hip and flipping some of my hair over my shoulder.

She looked me up and down for good measure, knowing I’d accept absolutely nothing less than a thorough examination before she actually answered, “Like you work at a café,” She reached and grabbed my newly printed name tag from the table at our side, pinning it to my chest, “And like you’re new.” She tapped the tag, printed proudly with my name and a disclaimer of my recent employment.

My smile widened “Jungeun, we _work_ together now!!” 

She chuckled, wearing her usual cocky Jungeun-smirk, “Don’t remind me, I’m still in denial.” She pinched my cheek, “Put your hair up - you can’t have it down, it’ll get in things.”

“Okay!” I set my new cap onto the table and reached up to pull my hair back, “Oooh! This is so exciting!” A co-worker who Jungeun introduced to me a few minutes before came into the break room and slumped into the nearest metal chair, pulling his phone from his apron pocket and idly scrolling through it, “Hi!! How is it out there?”

He raised an eyebrow at me, confused, and Jungeun stepped in, “Uh, ignore her. She’s always like this.” 

He just shrugged, seeming pretty tired. Would I get tired? Was this job tiring? I had a lot more questions than I actually wound up asking, and I could already tell Jungeun felt like she’d answered quite enough. I kept them down but it just made me jittery from how much energy I had that didn’t really have a place to go. More than anything I was ready to start working, despite having a growing bundle of nerves starting to form in my stomach. This was pretty fun and definitely cool, but it was also kinda stressful yaknow? My first job, my first shift, my first uniform, my first co-workers and my first boss. A lotta firsts. At least I knew Jungeun, that made this much easier. I’d been harassing her to get me this job for what must’ve been months until she finally caved in. A lot had led up to this and that only made my nerves even worse, but I didn’t let myself dwell on them. This was a happy thing! A positive thing - and I made sure to treat it that way.

Jungeun sighed, tugging her own blonde hair into a ponytail as she headed for the door back to the rest of the café, “Alright Jiwoo, c’mon. Mingyu’s gonna be training you too, alright?” I nodded more times than I needed to, following her a bit too closely. She gently reached back, playfully pushing me to be at a more reasonable distance, “So don’t stick to me.”

Once we actually headed back into the store itself, I really felt like I had a job. Like I was a real worker, behind a counter and everything, surrounded by complicated looking coffee machines that I had absolutely no idea how to use yet. But I was ready to learn!

The hours went by way faster than I would’ve thought, and my mind was totally buzzing the whole entire time. There was way more to learn and process than I thought there ever would’ve been, so many tiny little quirks that each machine had, so much to remember about where things were kept and how to make every single drink on the crazy long menu. I had to learn how to use a cash register and how to talk to customers all nice, which was the easiest part for me. Jungeun laughed when I tested out my “customer service voice” on her, because apparently it barely sounded different from my normal one. When she talked to customers it sounded all stilted and weird - not like her at all, but in a good way! It was sweet and polite, not all sassy and sarcastic like the Jungeun I was used to. 

There was a bit of a lull at some point, when the stream of customers thinned out and Mingyu took the time to go on break. I let out a long breath, looking at Jungeun, who seemed visibly exhausted.

She cocked her head at me, “How do you still have so much energy? It’s been four hours.” She adjusted the cap on her head, eyes always scanning the café to make sure there weren’t any customers we were ignoring by talking like this, “God I just want a nap.” She threw her head back, running her hand down her face, “I would literally kill a man if it meant I could take a nap right now.”

I laughed at her, playing with the strings of my apron, “Aww, it’s okay, you can nap when you get home!” I tried to cheer her up, reaching over and poking at her side. She was one of the most ticklish people I knew, and she also _hated_ that I knew that because I took advantage of it way more than I probably should’ve.

She leapt back at the contact, slapping my hand away and keeping her distance so I couldn’t reach her anymore, “ _Stop_ , Jiwoo I swear to god.” She sighed lightly, leaning on the counter and looking at the few customers who sat quietly at their tables, “Another work tip: when it gets slow like this, don’t get too distracted. You should always be looking around. Ideally, our boss wants us to smile at anyone who comes through the door, so it doesn’t hurt to even look out the window at the street too.” Her voice was the total opposite of her customer service one - now she sounded drained and depressing. I didn’t like it, but I knew that if I tried to spread my positivity to her she’d just get frustrated, so I spared her, making a note to be extra super duper nice for the next few hours.

Listening intently and wanting nothing more than to be the best barista I could, I did as she said, scanning the store diligently. There was a semi-steady stream of people on the street, some who I could tell were college students. There was a university a few streets over - most of our customers were from there. Some of them looked through the window for a few extra seconds and slowed their pace as they walked by, but it didn’t seem like anyone was coming in.

I forgot most of their faces once they’d gone, but not all of them. One girl in particular paused outside the window and looked in for quite a while, and um... I did _not_ forget her face.

She was probably the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. I couldn’t help but stare, and I didn’t even smile that time like I had with other passersby - I couldn’t, I was just... too shocked, I couldn’t even think. I don’t really know how to describe her, she just... she had high cheekbones and full lips and bright eyes and _impossibly_ smooth looking skin, her hair was dark and pulled up into a slight loose bun, a few strands of it framing her face elegantly. She looked so well put together, it was like she wasn’t even real. She had on short heels but she walked with such an effortless balance, it was like she’d never worn anything else. Her outfit was black and white, consisting of a short skirt and white leggings, a partially see through cardigan draped over her shoulders and slightly cascading behind her as she walked. I... don’t know why I remembered all that so well, but I swear it embedded itself into my mind and refused to leave.

Jungeun nudged my side, “Hello? Earth to Jiwoo?” Her voice snapped me out of it just as the girl tucked some of her hair behind her ear, effortlessly giving me goosebumps, and walked off down the street. My heart was in my throat, “Hey, you alright?”

“Huh? Oh--” I could barely look away from the window, as if for some reason hoping that she came back, changed her mind, headed into the café so I could just stare at her some more. God, that _girl_. I only saw her for a few seconds, but I already knew that I could literally stare at her forever. Which was kinda weird, yeah, but I can’t _tell_ you how gorgeous she was. I blinked hard, forcing my head to turn away from the window and to actually look at Jungeun, “Sorry! I spaced out a bit!”

The bell above the door jingled, signalling another customer coming in, and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t her. My face fell and I couldn’t help it. I knew how extra I was being - this was totally ridiculous. I’d literally just seen a girl on the street, and she was pretty, and now I was sad that she didn’t come into the café?

I rolled my eyes at myself subtly. _Like you’d even be able to talk to her if she did come in._ I thought, frowning, trying my best to focus on my work. It was true, whenever I was around a girl I thought was pretty I more or less turned into a bumbling, gay disaster. I’d sorta accepted that now, but that didn’t mean it was any less frustrating. Dare I say I wished I could actually _talk_ to girls, heck, maybe even _date_ a girl?? For the rest of my shift I was distracted and not too helpful, my mind wandering all on its own to fluffy things I was way too socially awkward to ever have.

My uncharacteristically sad mindset stuck with me even after I got home from work. Jungeun dropped me off at my house, but I didn’t even bother going inside - instead rushing across my yard and heading straight to Chae’s. I hadn’t seen her yet today which always left me feeling off. Even though it was getting dark out by that point, I saw her bedroom light on upstairs, which was enough of a sign for me that I could barge in.

I knocked on her front door once before throwing it open and bounding up the stairs. Her mom was cooking in the kitchen and heard me, calling out, “Hello Jiwoo! Are you staying for dinner??”

I waved vaguely at her, sticking my hand through the rungs of the railings so she could see it as I slipped out of sight, “I dunno Mrs. Park, maybe!!” I heard a light sigh from the kitchen, but she was more than used to me by then.

Chae’s door was open a crack. I could vaguely hear the sound of Oh My Girl’s Secret Garden trailing into the hall, as per usual. God, did she ever stop listening to them? Who was I kidding, of course she didn’t. I barged right in, never needing to knock. She was sitting at her desk, doodling something mindlessly instead of doing homework like she probably should’ve been, and she jumped in surprise at my sudden appearance. I hopped onto her bed, landing with an “oof,” and she spun in her spinny chair to face me, only looking 60% annoyed at me showing up absolutely uninvited.

She rolled her eyes, “Jiwoooo, I’m in the middle of something!”

I scoffed, “Pffft, don’t even try to act like you aren’t overjoyed to see me!” I rested my head on my hands, giving her the biggest smile I could manage, knowing she had absolutely no resistance to this.

She tried and failed to hold her pout for a few more seconds, until it finally broke into a small little smirk. Wow, her “disappointment” had lasted for a whopping four seconds, a new record! She blushed slightly, frustrated at her inability to even pretend, “You’re so lucky I love you or I’d kick you out right now.”

I dangled my upper half off the edge of her bed so that she was upside down in my vision now, “I practically live here, once Minjun goes to university I’m just gonna take his room.” Minjun was her older brother - a nerdy tall boy who was probably gonna be a super rich doctor one day.

Chae sighed, spinning again to turn away from me as she continued whatever she’d been doodling before, “Us living in the same house would be chaos.”

I giggled, “Yes, but _fun_ chaos!!”

She spun around just to boop me on the nose with the end of her pen, before turning away a second time, “How was your first day at the café? What’s it called again?”

I sighed, having told her this dozens of times before, “The Roost!”

“Why is it called that?”

“I have no idea, but it sounds cool!” I absentmindedly started to fiddle with my bangs, twirling them around my fingers and brushing them from side to side, “I had a lot of fun, I have tons to learn though. There’s so many machines with all these buttons and levers and switches that do so many different things, it’s crazy.”

Chaewon winced audibly, “Yikes, Jiwoo _please_ don’t break any machines before you have the money to pay for them.”

I gasped in feigned offense, “I’m not gonna break anything, gosh, don’t you have any faith in me?”

“Absolutely not. You’ve dropped three separate plates at my house somehow, and you broke your microwave.”

My brow furrowed, “So? That means nothing - they’re gonna train me to be a real barista, and baristas never mess up.”

She shook her head back and forth, mumbling her next observation under her breath, “I don’t think that’s how that works...” I stuck my tongue out at her even though she couldn’t see.

We didn’t talk for a while, both just happy to be around each other like this. She sang along to the songs she knew by heart, her voice soft and quiet. I bobbed my head along to the beat, letting my mind wander and not being too surprised at where it kept winding up.

That girl - the one I’d seen on the street outside the café, the pretty one who practically took my breath away just by peeking through the window. The one with dark hair and eyes with so much depth I just knew I could get lost in there if I ever got the chance to look for too long. The one with an outfit so well put together I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was chosen by a certified stylist. The one who strutted with considerably high heels without so much as flinching, her balance startlingly perfect. I found myself wondering what her name was, what her hobbies were, what her favorite song was, how she liked her eggs in the morning.

I blinked hard, groaning in frustration at myself and at my own thoughts, running my hands down my face. Chae noticed my dismay and spun around again, “What’re you all grumbly about?”

I kept my face partially hidden behind my fingers, parting them slightly so she could just barely see me and my slight blush, “Just... God, Chae, I saw this _girl_ today...”

She rolled her eyes at me in an instant from my tone, knowing it all too well and reading me like a book as always. She instantly knew that was my ‘I saw a pretty girl and I’m already whipped even though I don’t know a single thing about her’ tone. She’d heard it many many times. But it was different this time. Which I also said every time. But _this_ time it really was different!

“Ooh a _girl_ , huh?” She added the same inflection I had, slightly mocking me, “Wow, I’ve _never_ seen one of _those_ before.” She mindlessly doodled a butterfly on the notepad she had on her lap. I think she’d started to more or less tune out the conversation once she realized what I was on about, and I couldn’t really blame her - this usually devolved into mindless incomprehensible rambling that no sane person could keep up with or respond to.

I felt myself blushing at her teasing, “Shut up!! She was _so_ pretty, I just... ugh.” Yes, I know, I had quite a way with words when it came to girls.

Chae sighed again, having quite enough of my antics. It seemed like she actually wanted to shut this down before it could start, because she carefully tucked her pen into the spiral of her notebook and leaned slightly forward, staring dead at me, “Jiwoo, you _need_ to get a girlfriend. All your gay panic is getting a bit old.”

I laughed bitterly, “Oh yeah, cuz it’s that easy.”

She quickly corrected herself, “Not saying it’s easy, just that you should put yourself out there more.” I knew she had the best intentions, but her acting like this was such a simple thing kinda just made me feel more inept because I really felt like I couldn’t. Like I said, even just talking to a girl I thought was pretty seemed totally impossible to me. Or at the very least, I’d be a stammering, fumbling mess during whatever “conversation” ensued.

I said something without really thinking, “You’re one to talk.”

She got quiet for a few seconds, seeming startled, “I--?” I moved my hands fully from my eyes to better look at her. Oops. I’d struck a nerve. She was trying to hide it, but I could tell. Instantly I sat up properly on the bed so she wasn’t upside down anymore. She clenched her jaw slightly, “That was uncalled for.” Her voice was ever so slightly sarcastic, but not all the way. Not nearly all the way. She was genuinely offended and I instantly wished I could take it back.

The position Chae was in was... complicated. She only ever told me snippets and pieces in between - me, her best friend of over ten years. If she kept it from me, she was keeping it from everyone, which also wasn’t like her. I hadn’t seen her so cautious about a topic for our entire relationship, and it concerned me, but I didn’t want to push her. I’d talk to her when she felt ready to talk about it, and I hadn’t meant to cross a line like that. It was really out of character for me, and it caught both of us off guard.

All I knew was that there was a new girl at school and Chae was absolutely infatuated with her. She only ever sometimes dropped hints about just how deep the infatuation was, but never talked about her too much. I’d met her a few times, her name was Hyejoo, and she was shy, quiet, and guarded. I never got to be around her for too long, so I didn’t understand the affection or their friendship, but I could see it. There was definitely a connection there, and although I desperately _wanted_ to know the intricacies of it, again, I didn’t want to push. I wanted it to be natural - revealed to me at Chae’s own pace. Apparently, they were “just friends,” or as Chae teasingly worded it one time, at least they “should be.”

“I’m sorry.” I told her softly, making sure that all of my reasoning, all of my apologies were shown just in the way I said that. Something changed behind her eyes and she understood without me needing to say a single other word. She nodded ever so slightly and we both knew that that was the end of this. She still wasn’t ready, and that was okay.

After a bit of a silence, she took a deep breath and actively brought the topic back to me and my own struggles, “Take the cute girl, for instance.”

I tucked my legs beneath myself, tilting my head at her, “What about her?”

“Why didn’t you talk to her? Go after her?” She made sure that she sounded genuinely curious and not like she was trying to talk down to me, or act like I was some socially awkward disaster, even though I pretty much was.

I narrowed my eyes at her, “Um, I was working? And she just walked by, it wasn’t like she came in or anything. What was I supposed to do, rush out of the store and flag her down on the street?” I tried to imagine doing that. Overall I was a pretty outgoing person, and I was really extra pretty regularly, but that was too much even for me.

Chae shrugged, “Maybe.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “Do you want me to get arrested and or fired?”

She smirked devilishly, “Maybe.”

I waved dismissively, falling back on her bed and staring up at her ceiling. She had a bunch of those glow-in-the-dark star stickers we’d put up one day, and I’d promptly fallen off her bed and sprained my ankle because we’d done it in the pitch black for some stupid reason. We weren’t that smart, especially when you put the two of us together.

I heard her scoot her chair closer to the bed, “Okay, fine, but promise me something?”

I lifted my head so I could look at her and shoot her my brightest smile, “Anything for you.”

She just rolled her eyes at my comment, “If you see that girl again, talk to her.”

She said that like it was so simple, which I didn’t understand. She’d seen how hard it was for me to talk to girls first hand, so it wasn’t like she was making generous assumptions about me - she knew. Just trying to picture myself talking to her was enough to make me start laughing. I chuckled and shook my head back and forth, but she wasn’t discouraged, and she wasn’t acting like it was a joke.

She tried to elaborate, giving me options as if that’d somehow make it seem more possible, “If you see her, go up to her, say hi, introduce yourself, trip on purpose so she’ll help you up or something, I dunno, just talk to her!” I just laughed harder, none of this sounding even remotely feasible to me, for some reason finding it really funny and mildly endearing that she thought otherwise.

I lifted my head again, raising an eyebrow, “Are you serious?”

“Yes!” She stood up, actually jumping to lay on the bed at my side, turning her head to look at me, some of her blond hair falling in her face, “Promise me.” She looked at me hard.

I rolled my eyes, flipping over to shove my face into her soft fluffy pillows. My voice was muffled but she was close enough to hear it, “Fineee. But it won’t happen!” I looked at her from the corner of my eye to see her pouting at my unusual pessimism, “It’s a city. You really think I’ll bump into her again?”

She propped herself up on her arms, smiling just enough for it to be contagious, “Who knows?? You don’t know!” She was right. I didn’t know, but based off sheer probability, I wouldn’t. I decided to keep that to myself, though. She edged closer, seeming weirdly excited about this, “Maybe she’s your _destiny_ or something.”

I rolled onto my side, shoving her gently, “Stoppp.”

She pestered me for the rest of the night about it, teasing me endlessly, but I hadn’t expected anything less. I did wind up staying for dinner, where she continued to bug me about the nameless girl. She’d even actually given her a name just to make her job of teasing easier - calling her “Rooster” for the sake of a code name. It was stupid and I made sure to say so, but she was absolutely unfazed. If anything it just made her use it more.

So I went home with my mind even more clouded with thoughts and daydreams about “Rooster,” desperately trying to come up a better code name.

***

Jungeun tied the strings of my apron again, this time making sure it was loose, “You can do this yourself you know.”

I spun around, reaching up and poking her cheek. She playfully recoiled from the gesture, wiping away at where I’d touched as if I’d left slime there, “It’s a bonding experience. C’mon, I want cute traditions with you!”

She scoffed, “Like how whenever you see Chae at school you both practically scream?”

“Yes!!” I tried to reach forward and trap her in a hug, but she kept skillfully dodging my arms. I chased her all over the break room, giggling, getting some stares from Mingyu who sat, hunched over his lunch at the table. He’d gotten used to me by then but I think sometimes my level of energy still caught our other coworkers off guard.

She finally let me catch her out of sheer exhaustion, and I pulled her against me by her waist, “I’m gonna pass on the whole traditions thing,” She told me while I tightened my grip, nearly knocking the wind out of her, “This is quite enough for me.”

I let her go, to her visible relief, “Don’t worry, we’ll get some eventually! Right now our tradition is kinda that we both work here, right?” I led her toward the door to the café by her hand, knowing that her break was over and that my shift was about to start.

“That’s not a tradition, Jiwoo, that’s literally just a job.”

I pouted at her as I tugged us both through the swinging door, “Ahh, you’re no fun.”

I’d been working for a week or so by then and felt much more comfortable and familiar with all the machines. I was incredibly ready to get into it, to become a full-fledged barista, but I was still restrained to behind the scenes stuff. I’d only actually taken one customer’s money so far, and Mingyu had accidentally handed me the wrong order to give him, so the guy yelled at me. Not the best for my first time really interacting with a customer, but I didn’t let it scare me. Jungeun told me that mean customers were the odd ones out.

Time still went by really fast for me, while Jungeun described it as “wading through quicksand.” She entered a weird sort of work-mode during the tail ends of her shifts, where she put on her customer-service voice and worked all the machines so proficiently it was pretty impressive just to watch. So when I saw her snap out of her usual hardwired work-mode for some random customer, it surprised me.

She greeted her like a friend. I noticed the voice change so I turned around from cleaning a machine just to see who it was. Maybe I knew them too?

When I actually looked, though, my heart practically stopped.

It was Rooster-- er, the pretty girl from the window. Window girl, I guess. I couldn’t believe my eyes, and for a brief second I wondered if I was just hallucinating or something, but I couldn’t have been. Like I said, I’d never forget that face. She was accompanied by another breathtakingly beautiful girl that Jungeun was chatting familiarly with, but I almost didn’t even notice. My jaw practically dropped and my hands started to shake.

Seeing her up close like this was worse. Somehow she was even _prettier._ How was that even remotely fair? From this distance I could see every detail, every subtle nuance of her flawless facial structure and her porcelain skin and her beautifully done hair and her masterfully applied but faint makeup. She wore a deep maroon lipstick that effortlessly drew me in, and I realized I was literally staring at her lips, kicking myself mentally and forcing my gaze back to her eyes. _God_ , her _eyes_.

The weird thing, though? She was staring right back. She wasn’t asking what I was looking at, or getting annoyed that I wasn’t just doing my job like I should’ve been, she was staring back, and her _eyes_ were dark and mysterious and _so_ intense just like I knew they would’ve been from when I’d seen her passing by on the street.

Jungeun spun around, shoving a piece of paper with their orders on it into my grasp that I almost dropped to the floor from how out of it I was.

“Jiwoo, c’mon,” She muttered to me, nudging my side gently. I snapped out of it but just barely, blinking twice and eventually managing to look at her instead of pretty window girl, but I still felt her boring holes into me with her eyes. My knees felt weak, “It’s slow right now, so I’m gonna let you make these two alright?”

I nodded once, not trusting the steadiness of my voice, and quickly turned my back to window girl so that I could focus on my actual job. She’d ordered one of the most expensive, complicated drinks on the menu as well as one of our fancier pastries, though for some reason I wasn’t at all surprised. My fingers still trembled as I fiddled with all the right levers and pressed all the right buttons to make their coffees. The air lightened after a few moments and when I dared to look over my shoulder, I saw that the two girls had gone to sit at a table. My body deflated, the sudden rigidity I’d gotten just from seeing her draining out of me.

I let my mind wander for a bit longer, because it was absolutely buzzing. She was really here again?? What were the odds? How was she so pretty? Who was that girl she was with, was that her girlfriend? Did she have a girlfriend? Was she gay?? Probably not, who was I kidding. I shouldn’t get my hopes up, especially not when I couldn’t even be three feet from her without feeling like I was gonna explode. Oh wow, I had to tell Chae about this!

At the thought of Chae, I actually stopped mid-motion while I sprinkled cinnamon into window girl’s cup. I’d made her a promise. That I’d talk to window girl if I ever saw her again. I was a real stickler for promises. Even if they were made flippantly, I swear I remembered every single one I’d ever made and held myself to them like they were law. But... _talk_ to her? _Me_? I could hardly _look_ at that literal fallen angel, and I was supposed to _talk_ to her???

Oof, my stomach was tying itself into knots. I didn’t know what to do. I had to keep my promise to Chae, but how could I?

I finished making both of the drinks and tugged the right pastry from the display window, realizing abruptly that I had to call their number for them to come and get their order. Oh boy. I stood at the counter for what must’ve been a few minutes, trying to prepare myself for her coming back up here and being close again. I needed to get it together.

_Treat her like any other customer. That’s what she is, right? Just another customer?_ I tried to reason with myself, tried to calm down my inner panicked gay, but it wasn’t working. Not one bit. I sighed lightly, shutting my eyes for a few moments and taking a deep breath.

“N-Number 39?” I grimaced slightly how unsteady my voice was, though I hadn’t expected much else.

I watched as window girl stood up from her chair, the motion impossibly graceful and effortless, and she strutted up to the counter with her friend. Her heels audibly clacked against the hardwood floors, the sound seeming to echo inside of my head. The closer she got, the more of a mess I could feel myself becoming. Window girl’s drink came on a small little platter, and I was holding onto it with white knuckles, trying to keep it together and stop my hands from shaking.

I edged the drink and the pastry across the counter toward her so she could just grab them and go, but she didn’t. No, instead she made sure to meet my eyes again, her stare making me quake in my boots, and she shot me a smile. Oh my **_g o d._**

I... like, she was already pretty, obviously, but her _smile_. I’d never seen her _smile_ before. I felt myself blushing, heat flooding my cheeks against my will and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it. My heart was beating out of my chest, I swear, I just...

She picked up her things and went back to her table. I just took a few steps back, trying to keep it together, trying to go back to being a normal, functioning human being, if at all possible. I took really deep, careful breaths until I finally started to calm down. Jungeun raised an eyebrow at me and my weirdness.

“What’s up with you?” Her shift was ending soon. I could tell because she kept checking the clock and fiddling with the strings of her apron. That’s what she always did when she was getting antsy to leave.

I giggled nervously, not wanting her to know how whipped I was for a girl I literally had never spoken to because I knew she’d tease me for it relentlessly, “U-uh, nothing! Just... almost messed up the order, that’s all!”

She frowned, looking slightly disappointed, “You sure you got it right?”

“Yep! I double checked!” I shot her a big smile.

She nodded, starting to fully untie her apron, “Alright, well, I’ll go get Mingyu. His break’s done, and I’m outta here.” She made sure to come over and briefly wrap her arms around my waist, knowing that if she didn’t hug me before she left I’d just follow her into the break room and hound her until she did.

I weakly hugged her back, “Alright! See you tomorrow!” I wasn’t even really looking at her, too distracted by the fact that I could stare at window girl’s back for as long as I wanted to from where I was standing.

Jungeun just patted my shoulder before slipping away into the break room and leaving my sight.

I’d dropped a bit of cinnamon from all of my fumbling while I tried to make window girl’s drink, and Mingyu was always harsh on me about making messes, so I moved to grab the small broom we kept in the corner to sweep it away.

“Excuse me.” A low, entrancing voice spoke from the other side of the counter, and I put on my customer service smile to serve whoever was there.

When I looked, though, my face fell in an instant. It was her. Uh oh.

I lost my grip on the broom I held and it started to fall, and I clumsily scrambled to catch it, feeling color flooding my cheeks again. Great first impression. What did she want? Oh no, had I actually gotten her order wrong because I was so distracted?? Oh no no no.

Not trusting myself even the slightest bit, I leaned the broom against a nearby wall, daring to step up to the counter, hiding the way my hands trembled by keeping them clasped behind my back, “Uh-- um, yes?”

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears when she leaned closer, slightly over the counter, her eyes having such impossible depth that it was effortlessly drawn to them - I couldn’t look anywhere else.

“I couldn’t help but notice your staring.” Her voice was nothing more than a low, sultry whisper, and I was literally getting goosebumps. Was this really happening, or had I fallen asleep in the break room and dreamt this up?

Uh-oh, was I being super weird? Was she annoyed that I kept staring at her? Was I coming off as creepy?? I felt my blush deepening and I knew I must’ve been as red as a beet, but I couldn’t help it, I was so embarrassed. I was being totally unprofessional, and I’d just started working there. My lips parted, more than ready to spout out an endless flood of apologies, but she spoke again, cutting me off before I had the chance.

“And I assume that you noticed mine.”

My stomach did a flip. Had I heard that right..?

I couldn’t even move, just standing there with my jaw dropped, feeling like at any second someone would come out of the corner with a hidden camera and tell me I was on some sort of prank show.

It felt like my body had turned into cement. All I could do was watch as she smoothly reached toward the little notepad we had to take orders, pushing it slowly toward me with a perfectly manicured nail, “I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing you in something besides that uniform. How about you give me your number? Feel free to shut me down, if I’m absolutely out of line.”

I was literally in shock. No way this was real. Absolutely no way.

But... just in case it was, I should probably say something. Anything, really. That’s what people did - respond when someone asked them a question, right? I just honestly felt like I was in some sort of alternate dimension, and I had no idea what to do. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.

After what must’ve been a bordering on socially unacceptable amount of silence on my part, I cleared my throat ever so slightly and forced myself to speak, “Oh! I-- erm, no no, you’re... not out of line...” Was she actually gay? Had she assumed I wasn’t? Did I not seem gay? I mean, I dunno, maybe I didn’t. I wouldn’t have assumed she was, but... how else could I interpret this?

I reached for the pen, my fingers visibly shaking but I didn’t even care anymore. It wasn’t like it was any sort of secret that she’d turned me into an absolute mess, “Uh, here,” I jotted down my number, silently grateful that it hadn’t slipped my mind because of all of my overthinking and panic. I tore off the paper as gently as I could, handing it to her, “That’s it. Uh, I-I don’t work on weekends, or Thursday...” My voice cracked every so slightly toward the end of that sentence, and I pursed my lips, as if I could somehow make her unhear that.

She folded up the paper, tucked it away into her pocket carefully, “Oh, well then our schedules coincide quite nicely. Maybe it’s fate.” She winked at me. _She winked at me._ A **wink**. At **me**. I hid my hands behind the counter again so that I could clench them into fists, so far gone by that point that I could barely catch my breath, “I’m Sooyoung, by the way. Expect a text from me, Jiwoo.” I couldn’t help but flinch when she actually used my name. I swear it was like I was having an out of body experience.

Sooyoung. God, that was such a beautiful name. Much more fitting for this gorgeous person than “Rooster,” or even “pretty window girl.” Sooyoung. I repeated the name over and over in my head, as if I’d ever forget it. My heart was still in my throat.

Since she definitely knew I was too flustered to respond, she just gave me the slightest semblance of a fluttery wave and returned to her seat. I stared after her, not knowing what else to do.

Sooyoung.

Mingyu came out from the break room, adjusting his hat, “Hey, is it busy out here?”

I didn’t say anything, - _couldn’t_ say anything. Instead, I vaguely shook my head back and forth before slinking into the break room, then out the back door into the alley outside, muffling a literal shriek with my hands.

Sooyoung.


	2. Whipped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwoo and Sooyoung go on their first official "date," and Jiwoo struggles to maintain her composure all throughout.

I’d never in my life spent a longer time picking an outfit, but god, I just couldn’t seem to do it. What was I supposed to wear? Normal things? This was _not_ a normal occasion. Not at _all_ , this was groundbreaking, revolutionary, life-changing. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking while I rifled through the various hangers in my closet, tossing things over my shoulder and onto my floor.

“God, Jiwoo, this is such a mess. Is this really necessary?” Chae asked me right after she was pelted by a skirt being thrown her way. She barely caught it, lightly setting it down on my bed.

“Yes! It’s Sooyoung! _Sooyoung_.” In the mindset I was in then, I genuinely felt like that was a sufficient enough explanation for how I was acting.

Chae scoffed, looking around the room at the massive piles of clothes now scattering my previously semi-clean floor, “So because it’s ‘Sooyoung’ you need to try fifty different outfits and thirty different hairstyles before you can leave the house?”

I scoffed at how dismissively she asked that, “I need to make a good first impression! This is literally the first time she’ll see me out of my stupid apron and cap.” Finding a potential shirt candidate, I frantically peeled off the one I wore and slipped on the new one. I could feel Chae rolling her eyes without even needing to glance at her as I rushed over to my mirror and posed in front of it, spinning, evaluating the outfit from every angle.

Chae sighed, pushed aside a few sweaters and shorts so she had a spot to sit on the foot of my bed. I decided against the outfit and returned to the closet, “Oh c’mon. What was wrong with that one? It was cute!”

“No, the frills on the shirt don’t match with the pattern of the skirt, god Chae!”

“I have an idea - change your skirt then!” She reached mindlessly into a pile at her side, tugging out the first skirt she could find, “Here.” She pelted it toward me in an exaggerated overhanded throw. It hit my back and I flinched, picking it up.

“Oh! This might work!” Knowing that the scheduled time for our date was actually coming pretty fast, I kicked my skirt off in a near frenzy before sliding on the new one. I dove to the mirror again, “Ah! Good! Thank you!” I scooped up my brush from my nightstand and ran it through my hair, making sure my bangs were ever so slightly curled in the way that I liked them and wondering for the eightieth time if I should change my earrings.

Chae seemed to read my mind somehow, her intuition only slightly catching me off guard, “Your hair is fine. Your earrings are fine. No, you don’t need a matching necklace. And I think your white flats would work best with this look.” Without even needing to ask, she somehow knew where they were even in my disaster of a room, tugging the pair of shoes out from beneath a discarded hoodie and lightly tossing them in my direction.

I quickly slipped them on, looking at the clock, “Ahh! Jungeun better be here soon!” I bounced slightly up and down, as per usual having a ton of energy and nothing feasible to do with it, only this time it was almost double what I was used to. It was amplified by nervousness, by pure, unfiltered gay panic. I tried to embrace it and accept that none of those nerves were gonna go away, but I was also exerting conscious energy into trying to calm down. I really didn’t think it’d be cool to roll up to Sooyoung physically shaking and blushing like a maniac.

Chae got to her feet, gently clasping my arms as if to hold me in place, like I’d just start bouncing off the walls otherwise. It didn’t work too well but I appreciated the effort, “You’re gonna be okay! You’re the greatest and the best ever, and this Sooyoung girl should be thanking you for going on a date with her.”

I laughed at that concept, wondering if she’d keep that opinion if she actually knew what Sooyoung _looked_ like. Probably not. Chae wasn’t as much of a sucker for pretty girls as I was, but she’d definitely be at least a little shook if she saw Sooyoung herself, “I’m just... Chae, I’m going on a _date_. Like a _real_ date. With a real girl-- with _Sooyoung!_ ” Just saying all of that out loud made it seem more real, and as it sank in my heartbeat kept getting faster. Was that normal? Was I even okay? I wasn’t sure but I didn’t really have time to worry about it, because I vaguely heard a car pull up on the street in front of my house.

Chae moved, looking out the window, “That’s Jungeun, you better get going!” She told me, gently holding my hand, the contact somehow managing to calm me down a bit, “It’ll be fine. Just be yourself!”

I nodded, still absolutely full of jitters, “Myself. Right. Myself. I’m myself all the time. So that should be easy, right??” She squeezed my hand for good measure, “Right...?” My uncertainty crept into my voice.

I’d never done anything like this before. Literally the only relationship experience I had was staring at girls I thought were pretty from afar and keyboard mashing in the comments of random girls on instagram. I’d never been on anything that could even come close to resembling a date. I wasn’t sure what to expect, what I was supposed to do, what _she_ was gonna do, what _she_ was expecting. I had so many questions but I couldn’t really ask anyone. Who was I supposed to ask?? Chae?? She was just as inexperienced as I was.

She nodded firmly at the question, very readily filling her role of the comforting best friend, “Right. It’s just a date. If things don’t click, you don’t need to go on another one!! You can just ghost her.”

My heart sank at the thought, “What if things don’t click for _her_ though? What if _she_ ghosts _me_?” I felt panic slowly setting in. Like, I know I barely knew Sooyoung at this point - okay, basically I knew nothing about her besides her voice gave me goosebumps and when she winked it felt like I was gonna faint - but I didn’t want this to fizzle out. I wanted to see where it went. After this date I wanted to go on another, and another, I wanted to get to know her and see how she was as a person.

Oh jeez. What if I screwed this up? What if I did something dumb right off the bat and ruined it before I even had a chance? What if I tripped and fell flat on my face? What if she forgot we even had a date?? What if she’d scheduled another date at the same time and she was gonna go to that one instead????

Chae remained adamant, “Then she doesn’t deserve you!” Knowing me well enough to already assume that I wasn’t gonna be able to leave with my worries overpowering me like this, she literally pushed me into the hall and shoved me down my stairs. I stumbled, barely getting my footing, “Go!! Do you wanna be late?”

“No!!” I answered, the thought of Sooyoung waiting for me finally being enough to propel me down the stairs and out my front door.

I clammored into Jungeun’s car, stammering a half-hearted greeting as I tried to catch my breath, actually trembling from how nervous I was. She started to drive off down the street, making sure to glance at me from the corner of her eye, “So...” She muttered expectantly.

“So?” I asked, my heart beating so hard and fast I could hear it in my ears.

“So _you_ have a date? Like an actual date?” There was doubt in her voice, and I definitely understood. I barely believed it, so why should she?

She knew me as an incredibly dysfunctional gay - I had been since our first year of high school. I’d come out to her first actually - something Chae had always been playfully jealous of - because she got her first boyfriend and playfully tried to set me up with his best friend. I was strangely adamant about rejecting the offer, and eventually she got suspicious. I remember her exact line of questioning after my fifth or sixth insistence: “what’s wrong with him? Is it his hair? He has a pretty bad haircut. You could at least give him a chance, you dunno, maybe he’ll change his hair.” I snapped at some point, blurting something out without realizing: “it’s because he’s a boy.” I definitely hadn’t planned on coming out like that, it just sorta happened. I told Chae the very next day but she still claims to be salty that she wasn’t the very first to know.

I tapped one of my feet against the floor, trying to get some of this excess nervous energy out of me somehow, “Yep!! It’s a date, she said so...” My heart fluttered again at the thought.

I’d gotten a text from an unknown number a few days before, with the simplest _“hey it’s sooyoung,”_ but it was enough to give me a borderline heart attack. I think I spent the next ten minutes or so just trying to collect myself, pinching my arm a few times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming this up. It wasn’t a dream, shockingly enough. After I confirmed she had the right number, the very next thing she asked me was: _“you free for a date on wednesday?”_ I’m amazed I even survived reading that text message. I called Chae and had to cathartically freak out before I could steady my hands enough to even type a response. It was incredibly hard to not just say _“akfjnweafnwekaj_ ”, but I restrained the urge.

Jungeun chuckled under her breath, “So what’re you guys gonna do, anyway?”

The question caught me off guard and pulled me from my mental tangent, “Huh?”

She looked at me with a warmth behind her eyes, sort of like I was a poor little kid who got lost in a grocery store and had no idea where I was, “What are you going to do on your date with _Sooyoung_.” I notably flinched at her name, a reaction I just couldn’t control. She knew it’d get to me, that’s why she did it. She really loved to torture me.

I sighed, briefly running my palm down my face, “Ahh... I dunno! She didn’t really say...? What’re we supposed to do? What do you normally do on a first date??” My throat tightened as my innumerable worries started to try and tumble out of it, I didn’t know what else to do with them besides just ramble about them all at once so at least they weren’t festering inside me anymore. I didn’t actually expect any answers to these questions, for some reason I just wanted to ask them, to say them aloud to maybe make this whole situation seem more real and tangible.

Jungeun shook her head back and forth, very unsurprised at how flustered I was, “You just talk. Get to know each other. Who knows? She may be a scummy person and you can dip the hell outta there.” Every turn she took and every street she went down only made my body impossibly more tense. It was a short ride, only around five minutes, but I found myself subconsciously wishing it was longer. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get it together enough in five minutes.

“I doubt that she will be.” I responded without really thinking.

“Yeah, well you’re also dangerously optimistic, Jiwoo.” She muttered that half under her breath, as if she hadn’t expected me to hear over my buzzing thoughts. She was almost right, but I just barely caught it.

I scoffed lightly, “How can someone be ‘dangerously optimistic?’ I think I am a perfectly safe amount of optimistic, thank you very much.” I crossed my arms firmly, though they still continued to shake. We were almost there. Oh god, we were almost there.

You could tell we’d definitely entered a college campus. There were tons of kids rushing around with backpacks and half-empty coffees, people sitting on the sparse patches of grass with their laptops or textbooks open, and a general feeling of academic stress lingering vaguely in the air. It was a lovely day out, not too hot or too cold, with a light breeze carrying the smell of the blooming cherry blossoms through the air. If I hadn’t had this date, I would’ve spent the afternoon going on some sort of day trip with Chae just to enjoy the weather, but I was spoken for.

She muttered something under her breath again and this time it was too quiet for me to make it out. I leaned slightly forward, looking at her with a raised eyebrow, and her eyes flitted to me for just a moment before cracking me a weak smile, “Just be careful okay?” Her voice was startlingly sentimental. That was weird. She didn’t really get like that.

“Careful? What do you--” I trailed off in an instant when the car stopped. We were in a parking lot. Oh. We were there. Oh boy. Okay. We were actually there. The knots in my stomach got so tight it almost started to hurt. I clung to my seatbelt with white knuckled fists, genuinely wondering if I’d even be able to open this car door.

“This girl is just being really bold, that’s all,” She started to halfheartedly explain herself, reaching over and unbuckling my seatbelt on my behalf. The motion of it retracting to its original position startled me and I jumped slightly. She rested her hand on my leg, getting me to look at her again, “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Her sentimentality came back again, as quickly as it had left.

Her concern was incredibly sweet and not quite like her, but also confusing. She didn’t know anything about Sooyoung and neither did I, so why was she worrying so much? Even I wasn’t worried about getting “hurt,” I mean, not necessarily. Maybe being a bit let down, but if I was being totally honest with myself, despite all of my gay panic I wouldn’t be too broken up if this somehow turned out to be a flop.

“I’m not gonna.” I reassured her with a bright smile, a bit taken aback at how confident I sounded.

She smirked, “If you say so. Alright, go on. _Sooyoung_ is waiting for you.” She put needless emphasis on her name again, as if it wasn’t already effortlessly emphasized in my head.

I flinched slightly at it as per usual, but realized she was right. The instructions she’d given me on where to meet her with sort of vague, and knowing me I’d probably get lost. Taking a much needed deep breath, I opened the door, “Wish me luck!” She blew me a kiss after I’d shut it behind me, driving off while I stood stiffly in the parking lot, “I’m gonna need it...” I muttered to myself.

College campuses are weird. If you don’t go there, you have no idea where anything is. All the buildings looked the same more or less, everyone seemed to be super busy or in some sort of rush so I was too nervous to ask for directions or where I was, everything about it was just so intimidating. Sooyoung had just said that she’d be “at the quad,” which like... what even is a “quad??” Was that a building? Was that something outside? I hoped it was outside, and the subconscious desire made me just wander around for a while, scanning any places that people would sit to see if I could spot her flawless face amongst the other students.

My phone buzzed unexpectedly and I quickly checked it, assuming it was Jungeun or Chae, only to see Sooyoung’s name there. My heart skipped a beat and leapt straight into my throat.

_(!!!) sooyoung (!!!): just realized i was really vague lol, i’m sitting next to the big ass pointy building. can’t miss it_

I spun in a full circle, looking at all the buildings I was near, and quickly spotting the “big ass pointy” one right over my shoulder. Oh. Wait. That meant--

“Jiwoo!” A slightly distant but familiar voice called out from my left and I felt my whole body turn to stone, my cheeks flooding with color as I turned to who’d spoken.

Unsurprisingly, it was Sooyoung, waving me over with a wide, dazzling smile that was so impossibly beautiful I didn’t even believe it was real. Without having even an ounce of self-control, I looked her up and down briefly to take in her outfit: it was more casual than before - with a red, slightly loose-fitting t-shirt tucked into a high-waisted denim skirt. Her hair was down, cascading around her shoulders and framing her cheeks in such a way that it made her look like a piece of art. Her skin was practically glowing. A black, slouchy beanie sat atop her head and I swear I’ve never seen anything cuter in my entire life.

I froze. I totally froze. I knew I was gonna be a mess - that much was unavoidable - but I’d underestimated just how much of a mess I’d be. I knew she’d have an impact on me, but I had no idea it’d be this intense. It literally felt like I’d been shoved or something. God how whipped could I possibly get for a girl I’d spoken like ten words to?

After what might have been an awkward amount of time, one of my usual, uncontrollable smiles made its way to my face. Part of it was from nervousness, but another bigger part was from how happy I was. She was really here, on time, waiting for me, and she was waving me over. She wanted to see me. Talk to me. _Me_ , of all people, when she could probably literally get anyone she wanted. A pressure I’d felt on my shoulders all day finally started to lift ever so slightly.

I forced myself forward, my smile not having faded in the slightest, putting conscious effort into not having a skip in my step. The closer I got, the more the butterflies in my upper chest fluttered.

She was sitting on a small bench along the edge of the path, a small backpack with various sewn on patches at her side that I assumed was hers. She gently tapped the open spot next to her with slender, long fingers, as if that hadn’t been my destination already. There wasn’t much space. We were gonna be almost shoulder to shoulder. My broad smile faltered ever so slightly at the realization, unsure if I’d actually be able to keep it together if we got that close.

Taking a quiet breath in anticipation, I sat, scooting myself against one of the bench’s metal arms to be as feasibly far from her as possible for the sake of my own composure.

“Well hello there,” She spoke again, her tone exuding a slight fondness that caught me off guard. Oh my god it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Her bright, sparkling eyes moved from mine, instead scanning me up and down. My outfit. Oh jeez, I hoped she liked my outfit. Immediately I started to second guess it again, but it was pointless to do so now - I couldn’t dive back to my closet and adjust my wardrobe, “You look nice. You definitely didn’t disappoint.”

The heat in my cheeks spread even more. I prayed to anything and everything that may’ve been listening to just have my blush not show through. At the very least, I didn’t want her to know how flustered I was already. She’d know soon enough without needing to see it on my face too.

“I-I, um-- thank you!” I giggled nervously, the response not something I could keep back despite being fully aware that I was literally giggling like a schoolgirl. I cleared my throat slightly, “You look nice... too.” Complimenting her was startlingly easy and natural. If anything it just made me want to compliment her more, but I swallowed down the literal avalanche of praise and fawning I could potentially shower her with. Now probably wasn’t the best time. Perhaps it was a bit early.

She sighed lightly, some fatigue showing briefly on her face. She tucked some of her hair behind her ear - a gesture that gave me goosebumps, “Thanks, I needed that. I just got out of a three hour lecture.” She leaned slightly back, resting her head adorably on the back of the bench. The way she was looking at me with those _eyes_ was just... ugh.

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to her like a normal human, it was just something I was totally unfamiliar with. It was literally like I was speechless, but my lips were parted as if I planned on saying something.

_You need to talk, Jiwoo, that’s what people do. Conversation. Remember conversation? You’re usually pretty good at it, so can you please remember how to do that? Please? This is the one time where you’re_ **_supposed_ ** _to talk and now you’ve got nothing??_

I did my best, trying to pretend like I wasn’t sitting inches from the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, like we weren’t on a date, like I wasn’t a flustered lesbian and I was just a normal person. Surprisingly, it actually sort of worked. Fake it till you make it, I guess, “Um, wow! I don’t even think _I_ could talk about anything for three hours! What was the class about?”

One of her eyebrows arched at me curiously. How was it even possible for someone’s every expression to be adorable? “Oh? Do you talk a lot?” She completely ignored my question, seeming disinterested in it. Did that mean she was interested in me...?  
  


I subtly pinched my own wrist to snap myself out of my train of thought, my still vaguely trembling hands resting in my lap, “U-uh, I mean, yeah! My friends say I do, I never really feel like I’m talking that much or even that I have that much to say but sometimes I just have a lot of thoughts and sometimes I dunno what to do with them!” I let all of that out on one breath, collapsing into quiet nervous laughter toward the end once I actually realized how badly I was rambling. I pursed my lips slightly, trying to repress my smile but I couldn’t quite manage it. My mind was going a million miles a minute and I couldn’t keep it all in since I never usually had to or even tried to. But was I coming across as some hyperactive little kid? Was I being super extra? Was I absolutely blowing whatever slim chances I had with her, this soon into it?

Her smile still hadn’t left her face but it was fainter, a small little upturn at the corner of her lips that gave her the slightest of dimples on one of her cheeks, “I think it’s cute.”

My eyes widened ever so slightly and my heart swelled so much it felt like it took up my entire chest, “C-cute?” I couldn’t help but stammer.

She nodded once, “Yes. You’re awfully cute, Miss Jiwoo.”

_What._

I--

I had no idea what to say. My brain just totally checked out. For a few dragging seconds I just stared at her, totally dumbstruck, wondering how on earth I was going to survive the rest of this date if this was how it was gonna go the whole time - her trying to flirt and me mentally collapsing at even the slightest compliment. That was bad. This wouldn’t go anywhere. I needed to get it together, and I knew that.

Taking a deep breath and shifting slightly where I sat, I gave her a timid little smile and finally managed to speak again, “Ahh, um, m-my friends just say it’s annoying.” I had to change the topic, that was my only hope of being able to function during this conversation. 

Thankfully she seemed to take the bait, a small, yet also somehow adorable frown coming to her face, “You? Annoying?” She scoffed, as if the very idea of that was totally implausible. She didn’t even know me yet, I was actually quite annoying if I needed to be. Her eyes narrowed at me slightly, her head cocking further to the side, “Do you have a lot of friends? You seem like the type.”

It took a lot of energy to consciously fight back the part of my brain that was aware of _who_ I was talking to and the context that made this an actual _date_ , but luckily I had plenty of excess energy to spare, “I have an average amount of friends, I think! What about you?”

She shrugged, “A few here and there. Not a ton. I know a lot of people, though.” I wasn’t at all surprised by that. I was sure there were droves of people desperate just to know her. I knew I was. There was a brief pause, filled by the ambient chatter of passing college kids and the light sound of someone playing music from their laptop while they did work on a semi-nearby patch of grass.

Even when we weren’t saying anything, just with her looking at my like this, with the warmth behind her soft eyes and the light breeze tousling the ends of her dark hair, it felt like I was dreaming. My whole body felt all fuzzy and nice, the nerves I had seeming to fade the longer I sat with her like this. Sooyoung was indescribably gorgeous and definitely seemed to be effortlessly charming, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t a person, and I was good with people.

She scooted slightly closer on the bench, “I’m really glad my roommate dragged me to the Roost that day. I don’t think I’d ever wander in there if it hadn’t been for her, and then I probably wouldn’t have met you.” The sentimentality behind her words caught me totally off guard. She really really hadn’t given off that sort of vibe - that was more of a thing Chae would say to me. Not Sooyoung.

My mind flashed back to the day she’d walked by and looked in the window. I wondered if she had any sort of recollection about that, even though it was highly unlikely. After considering it for a few fleeting moments, I decided against actually bringing it up. It’d probably seem a bit weird if I told her that I saw her on the street one time and fawned over her for a week without even knowing her name or who she was. Yeah, that was pretty weird.

I smiled, feeling a light blush coming to my cheeks again although it was definitely more subdued than the other ones I’d been hit with, “I, um, I’m glad you came in too. It’s funny, I only just started to work there a few weeks ago.”

“Oh?” Her brow upturned in slight surprise, “That’s a pretty good job - do you get coffee for free?”

I shook my head, shifting how I sat again as the tension in my body slowly but surely started to leave me. I rested one of my hands on the small space between us, not thinking much of it, but only noticing how close I was to touching her when I let my eyes wander for a second. I made a deliberate mental note to not move so much as an inch, for fear of accidentally brushing against her.

“I think it’s discounted, but I don’t like coffee anyways, it makes me too hyper. I’m a tea type of gal.”

She smiled at me again, chuckling lightly under her breath, “God, you really are adorable huh?”

My stomach did a little flip. Did she just compliment everyone like this? Or was it because this was a date? Was I supposed to be complimenting her back, because I absolutely could. Heck, I could probably spend the next hour just rambling about how pretty she was, but I kept it back, too uncertain to actually go through with it.

My cheeks warmed even more and I just giggled again, flustered, “Ahh... I dunno! U-um, what’s your job? I-if you have one, I mean, some college kids don’t cuz they’re busy with school things and that makes sense too so it’s not like you need to have a job or anything.” I bit my tongue to stop myself, my heartbeat quickening.

She adjusted the beanie atop her head, as if it had gotten out of place, though she still looked absolutely perfect. Thankfully she seemed more or less unfazed by my fumbling. Maybe she was used to girls acting like this around her...? “I don’t have a steady job, necessarily, but sometimes I get called for gigs or photoshoots. It’s not too consistent.”

I raised an eyebrow, confused, “Photoshoots?”

“Yeah, like for modeling.”

Wow. Had I heard that right? My jaw dropped slightly and I did my best to close it.

“You model?” I asked, my disbelief showing in my voice.

“Just a little. Sort of a side thing for some spending money.” She explained that so flippantly, but I wasn’t quite processing it yet.

“You’re literally a model?” I clarified further, wondering just how starstruck I probably seemed but having no control over it at this point. Was I actually on a date with a model?

She edged closer again on the bench and I instinctively drew my hand back slightly, since her bare leg would have made contact with it if I hadn’t and I was _not_ prepared for anything like that, “Yes, why? Surprised?”

I blinked hard, semi-snapping myself out of it, “Um-- no! It’s just... a very fitting line of work.” I wasn’t even aware of what I was saying until I already said it, and honestly got startled at myself for being so bold. Chae wasn’t gonna believe me when I told her about this.

She laughed again, her smile so bright it was like the sun. She didn’t say anything, but the way she looked at me was sending me reeling. I had gotten so caught up in her eyes that I wasn’t paying attention to anything else, so when I felt impossibly soft, smooth, slender fingers curling to loosely clasp my hand, I almost gasped aloud but just barely restrained the reaction. I couldn’t help but look down, my heart having leapt into my throat.

She was holding my hand. We were holding hands. I was holding Sooyoung’s hand.

Oh

_my_

**_god_ **

She seemed totally unfazed. She didn’t even flinch, as if she’d done this dozens of times before and it was the most normal, natural thing in the world. Heck, it probably was. As for me? No, I could absolutely not say the same. My free hand clenched into a fist in my lap, trying to cope, trying to prevent myself from literally shaking because if I started to she’d be able to feel it now.

“Let’s talk favorites.” She spoke up calmly, her voice airy and quiet, almost a whisper. My brain was yelling at me so loud with so many different thoughts I almost didn’t hear her.

“Favorites?” I sounded terrified, which I wasn’t, I was just incredibly overwhelmed by all this and had no idea what to do or where this was going to go.

Her thumb trailed gently against the back of my hand and my breath hitched subtly, my cheeks so hot I was probably red as an apple by that point. The butterflies in my chest felt more like full on bats by then.

“Yeah. An ice breaker. It’s good for dates.” God, I couldn’t help but flinch slightly when she actually said that word - “date.” I knew that’s what this was, she’d made it very clear, but just the thought of it was so out of this world to me and I hadn’t taken it in all the way yet.

“Okay...” I managed to steady my voice ever so slightly, making it firmer and less like a timid little exhale. Her nails were still painted maroon, and the contrast between her porcelain skin and the deep red of them was almost hypnotizing somehow. When I wasn’t getting lost in the overwhelming depth her eyes had, I was just staring at the slow, rhythmic movement of her thumb against me.

She hummed inquisitively, seeming to be thinking of a good question, “What’s your favorite flower?”

Of all the things she could’ve asked, I hadn’t expected it to be that. I’m not entirely sure why I was so scared of whatever question she was going to throw at me, I mean, she just wanted to know some of my favorite things. What was scary about that? I think a big part of me was just nervous I’d trip over my own words and wind up saying something stupid and ruining my chances with her. That was the last thing I wanted. I wondered for a few moments if I should try and carefully tailor my answers just to make sure nothing warded her away, but then my mind flashed back to what Chae had told me before I’d left: “be yourself.” It wouldn’t be good to hide my personality, especially not if I wanted this to turn into something significant.

I had to stop overthinking everything, honestly it was tiring. Like, really? All she asked was what my favorite flower was. Did this really warrant a solid three or four seconds of intense mental debate? No. The more I considered how extra I was being, the less I felt the need to.

Letting myself calm down for once, I let out a quick breath and finally smiled as wide as I normally would have, feeling relieved already from that alone, “Lavender! Oooh, I want to go to a lavender field one day - it’s on my bucket list. But my bucket list is _really_ long, so I better get on that before I die!”

She giggled slightly, “I wouldn’t worry about that, pretty sure you aren’t gonna die any time soon.”

I scoffed, “Well don’t jinx it!”

She jokingly used her free hand to cover her mouth, as if to take back what she’d said, “Whoops, my bad.” I pouted at her, playfully glaring, a bit too out of it to properly panic at the fact that I’d practically just had banter with _Sooyoung_ and it hadn’t ended in me forgetting how words worked or blushing myself into oblivion.

“What’s your favorite?” I asked, never having thought I’d ever be this genuinely curious about a person’s preference of flora.

Her eyes moved from me, as if deep in thought, and I took the time to really stare at her. To just... look. I could literally stare at her forever. I rested my head against the side of the bench, the smile that had made its way to my face not leaving any time soon. It was like all the nerves I had just faded away the longer she wore that small little smirk. Without giving it much thought, I ever so slightly squeezed her hand. Her eyes flitted back to me at the motion.

“I like roses.” For some reason she’d lowered her tone and I couldn’t ignore the goosebumps that gave me. My smile faltered ever so slightly, but I made sure it stayed.

“What color?” I felt like I already knew the answer to that. I was sure it was red.

But Sooyoung refused to be predictable, “Any.”

I made a mental note to get her roses, and then proceeded to kick myself for assuming we’d ever get to a flower-giving point of this relationship, or whatever it was. That was pretty presumptuous, right? So why was I so ready to google the nearest floral shop? God I was whipped.

Realizing that I should probably change the subject, I switched it to something I was almost certain she couldn’t turn around on me, “Um, what’s your favorite season?”

She didn’t hesitate for even a second, “Winter.”

That surprised me, “Oh? How come?”

She tucked one of her legs underneath her, her white socks stopping just above her mid-calf. I looked at them for a bit longer than I probably should’ve, only able to snap out of it at the sound of her enchanting voice, “I like the cold. You get to wear comfy sweaters and mittens and huddle under blankets.”

  
I wouldn’t mind huddling under a blanket with her.

_Oh my god shut up._ My brain scolded me and I blinked twice, a vague smile still remaining on my face.

“Ah. I don’t like the cold, it’s not as fun to go outside!” I explained, “And my house is always cold, we have such bad heating, it’s like living in an igloo.” I frowned slightly at the thought, even though I practically lived in Chae’s house during the winter. She had a heated blanket that I’d cocoon myself in on the coldest days.

Sooyoung’s face changed and it caught my attention in an instant, as if she didn’t already have it, “I’d help keep you warm.” Her tone was low again. I felt her grip on my hand tighten for a second. She scooted closer on the bench and I swear it felt like my brain was melting into a puddle.

My heart skipped two or three beats right when I thought I’d started to get things under control. The small part of me that still semi-believed this was some fantasy I’d dreamt up just kept getting stronger and stronger, being reinforced by all the things she kept saying and hinting at. Was it normal for someone to be this bold? I thought this sort of thing only happened in TV shows. Was it even fair for someone to be so confident?? I mean, I guess if I looked like Sooyoung I’d be doing the exact same thing. But _still_.

I collapsed into an absolutely uncontrollable fit of giggles, hiding my face partially with my free hand, “Ha, um, yeah, maybe!” Her smirk had faded and she looked almost... predatory? My heart was beating out of my chest and my nervous smile could only get so wide before it stretched my cheeks out irreparably, so I quickly spoke up, “I-I like autumn! M-my birthday’s in... autumn.”

It seemed to work, thankfully, because she drew ever so slightly away, and the glint she’d gotten in her eyes faded, “When’s your birthday?” Her genuine curiosity came back, as if it had never left and that little exchange had never even happened. Was her flirting really that natural, she could just switch it off?? Was that even flirting?? Was I supposed to flirt back? I had no idea how. Absolutely no idea, so that option was off the table. Which basically left me to fawn over her - the only thing I knew for sure I could consistently manage to do around Sooyoung.

I cleared my throat a bit, not trusting the steadiness of my own voice, “October 20th... when’s yours?”

“May 24th, just happened a little bit ago.”

I wasn’t sure why that information disappointed me. I guess, even though it was incredibly early and probably totally uncalled for, I wanted some sort of reasonable excuse to get her a present without it seeming forced. Now that opportunity had passed, which was lame.

“Did you do anything fun?” I asked politely, swallowing down my irrational disappointment.

She chuckled coyly, “Um, yeah, you could say so.” The way she said that gave me goosebumps and I wasn’t entirely sure why. What had she done...?

Before my mind had the chance to go to places it probably shouldn’t have, she spoke up again, “Here’s an easy one - favorite color.”

“Peach!” I told her happily, “My room is painted peach!”

She nodded, “That seems like the most fitting color you could’ve possibly said.” Her thumb traced very slowly across the back of my hand again, running a brief circle along my skin, “Mine’s maroon.” She pointed ever so slightly at her lips, which I had long since noticed were maroon as well as her manicured nails. The color coordination seemed so effortless it was like second nature.

After she’d officially drawn attention to her lips and I had an excuse to look at them, it was hard to draw my eyes away. I found myself infatuated by the way they curved, the cupid’s bow, how smooth and soft they looked. I wondered if they felt as soft as I thought they were, then I blinked hard and forced my gaze away. That was quite enough of that.

“U-um, what’s your favorite animal? Mine’s a penguin, cuz they waddle all funny and I like when the babies are fluffy and small...” I realized midway through that sentence how childish I probably sounded and instantly regretted the question, wondering if she’d even bother to answer it. Did people even really have favorite animals? Was that a thing, or was it just for kids? I felt myself blushing all over again.

But she didn’t seem fazed in the slightest, answering my question without missing a beat, “I like swans, they’re mysterious and elegant but they won’t hesitate to fight a bitch you if you get too close.”

I couldn’t help but giggle at her reasoning, silently marvelling at how she could be sultry one second and adorable the next. A particularly strong, colder gust of wind blew past us and she gasped slightly, reaching with her free hand to pull her beanie down more firmly on top of her head. Oh my god she was so precious.

Her hand shifted suddenly, and for a moment I was worried she was going to pull away from me, but that wasn’t the case. Instead she intertwined our fingers together more firmly, and I reacted without needing to think, tightening my grip to show that I was more than okay with the new contact. She smiled at me, scooting closer again, “What’s your favorite memory?”

The question caught me a bit off guard, “Um, like, of all of ‘em?” She nodded, “I have a lot, uh, lemme think.”

She rested her head against the back of the bench, smiling softly at me, “Take your time.”

It’s hard to describe properly, but the reassuring tone to her voice actually made another big chunk of my nerves fade away. I never would have thought it’d be possible, but I actually felt... sort of comfortable. And yeah, she could take that sense of comfort in an instant if she wanted to, but for now I felt surprisingly at ease as I let my mind wander, genuinely trying my hardest to come up with a memory I cherished enough to consider it my “favorite.”

After what must’ve been thirty seconds of comfortable silence, I finally chose something, smiling to myself at just the thought of it, “When my family got our pet cat, they let me name her, and she was _so_ teensie because she was just a little kitten. But she was really skittish so she’d just hide under the couch in our living room all day long, and she’d only ever come out if I was the only one in the room!” 

Her brow crinkled up, “Aww, that’s adorable.”

Just at all this talk of my cat, a small part of me wanted to go home and see her, but I was also more than content with staying with Sooyoung for as long as she could put up with me. I loved that I was actually finding things out about her, that she was willing to talk about herself, but I still wanted to know so much more, “What’s yours?”

She waved dismissively, breaking our eye contact, “Ahh, I dunno.”

“What??” I scooted closer, trying to get her to look at me again so she could see my incredulous expression, “You can’t do that, I answered so now you have to!” I did my best to insist.

She smirked smugly at me, “Oh, is that how this works?”

“Yes!” I remained adamant just because of how badly I wanted to know.

She sighed in what I knew was defeat, her resolve crumbling when I hadn’t much expected it to, “I have a lot. It’s hard to pick.”

I scoffed, “Well, duh! Cmon, just a good one then? Doesn’t have to be your favorite.” I tried to make it easier for her, knowing I’d be happy with whatever it was she’d tell me regardless of how insignificant it was.

She pursed her lips and I could see the cogs of her brain going. I realized that whatever memories she had to sift through were probably infinitely more interesting than mine, and that whatever it was she decided to drop on me could very well reduce me to a blushing mess if she so wanted. I braced myself, not knowing what to expect or predict, since she had managed to defy any sort of expectations I dared to have dozens of times over during this conversation.

She sighed lightly, “...anything with my dad, I guess.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Anything? That’s pretty broad.”

Her shoulders shrugged again, but I could tell that she was far from actually indifferent about this, “Yeah, I just... love him a lot.” Her tone was... weird. I wished more than anything that I knew her better, so I could try to discern what was behind it, but for now all I could tell was that it went deeper than what she was saying on surface level. Somehow.

“Aw, that’s really sweet!” The sentimentality wasn’t anything I ever would have expected either. I never would’ve thought she’d be the type to get like this, but I took it as a good sign, because I was an _extreme_ softie, so if that was even remotely mutual, I’d take it.

Her lips parted to respond to me, but whatever it was she planned on saying was cut off by a phone alarm going off from her backpack at her other side. I jumped slightly, not having expected the sound and being silently grateful she wasn’t looking at me to see how startled I’d gotten. She groaned lightly, her hand withdrawing from mine, and I felt a warmth leave my body I hadn’t known was there as soon as that contact was removed. My smile faded ever so slightly and I couldn’t prevent it.

She reached into her bag and turned the alarm off, getting to her feet as she slung it over her shoulder, “Oh, damn, I’ve gotta run - I have a class on the other side of campus.”

I stood as well, just wanting to be close to her, “Oh, are you gonna be late?”

She frowned, “Eh, who cares.”

My chest tightened while simultaneously getting butterflies again at the thought of her making herself late for class just to have this date. I was conflicted and concerned, but also touched, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hold you up.”

She rolled her eyes subtly at me, “No no, don’t,” She reached forward unexpectedly, clasping my hand with hers again. It was so hard to not start shaking, and even harder when she said what she said next, “I had a nice time talking with you.” Before my overloaded mind even had a chance to try and process that, I was being tugged forward gently by her grip on my hand, and her arms were wrapped around me, and I was flush against her.

_Sooyoung is hugging you,_ My brain was practically screaming at me, _Sooyoung is_ ** _hugging_** _you and you’re just standing stiff like a statue, oh my god, hug her back. Hug. Her. Back._

I quickly returned the soft, brief but warm embrace, putting conscious effort into not clinging to her nearly as tightly as I wanted to. My heart was fluttery and I couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, couldn’t do much of anything really because _Sooyoung_ was inches from me and her skin was soft and I could smell her perfume and just... oof.

She drew back just as quickly as she’d pulled me to her, releasing her grip and stepping away, “Expect a text from me, okay?” She was already walking off, backward so she could maintain our eye contact, tucking her thumbs beneath her backpack straps and raising one of her elegant eyebrows at me.

My jaw had practically dropped from the shock I’d received from that hug, and it took every ounce of my effort to manage out a coherent enough response, “O-okay!” She smiled and waved before spinning on her heel, turning around. My stupid brain took an extra few seconds to come up with something else it for some reason felt the need to say, “Have a good class!” I literally buried my face into my palm, grumbling an insult at myself.

“‘Have a good class?’ Oh my god what is wrong with you...” I shook my head back and forth, legs abruptly feeling weak. Not taking any chances, I sat back down on the bench and just let myself think.

Had that really happened? Had I really just gone on a _date_ with _Sooyoung_ who apparently was a _model,_ and had she really talked to me? Had she really given me the time of day, asked me questions, wanted to know things about me? _Me?_ This was so surreal. I almost didn’t want to let myself believe it, for fear of finding out that I’d just dreamt this up while stalking her on social media or something.

But boy oh boy, was I already whipped.


	3. Drive Me Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwoo's relationship with Sooyoung develops, though she learns some new information that changes some of her perspective.

****__  
  


“Jiwoooo!” Yerim’s high-pitched voice snapped me out of the trance I’d been in, staring at my phone and double then triple checking my texts for what must’ve been the hundredth time that day.

“Huh? Oh,” I blinked hard, tucking my phone away and in my pocket as if that would help me focus. It didn’t work. My mind just kept wandering and worrying and overthinking as it usually did. Sometimes I wondered how I even managed to keep it running like this at all hours of the day. I sorta wished it’d just shut up and give me a break, but it wasn’t something I could control.

“Yahh, eat your lunch. You aren’t eating.” Hyunjin scolded me playfully, reaching across the table and pushing my food toward me.

I sighed lightly, resting my head on my hand, “I’m not hungry.”

Without hesitation, she reached over again, and although I partially expected her to try and insist further that I eat something, I wasn’t too surprised when she instead pulled my lunchbox toward her and placed it right next to her own, “Alright, well then it shouldn’t get wasted.”

Heejin playfully slapped her girlfriend’s arm, taking the initiative of pushing my food back to me, “What’s the matter Jiwoo? You’re being quiet.”

“Yeah, you’re never quiet. Spill.” Hyunjin prodded at me with a mouthful of food, still eying my barely touched lunch. One of Heejin’s arms was wrapped around her waist, as it almost always seemed to be. I loved them both unconditionally, and I also loved that they made each other so happy, but nowadays all their PDA was kinda frustrating to watch.

Chae sighed lightly, sitting next to me at the lunch table, and spoke on my behalf before I had the time to consider how I should explain the situation, “She’s just sulking about her date.”

Yerim sputtered, partially spitting out the juice she’d been drinking across the table and almost on Yeojin, who yelped, “Yerim-ahhh! Gross!” She pulled Heejin’s napkin from her hand and started clumsily wiping up the mess Yerim had made, her voice always a bit louder than it needed to be and carrying around the cafeteria. A few heads from other tables turned to look at the noise, but once they saw who it was they were disinterested. Yeojin being loud was nothing new.

Yerim coughed slightly, “D-date?? What date?!”

Okay, maybe I’d been a bit stingy with the information I’d given the rest of my friends. Chae knew absolutely everything that had happened, since minutes after Sooyoung had left me on that bench I’d called her and relayed every single second of what had gone on in excruciating detail, but besides her? I’d kept this to myself. I’m not sure why, normally I was a totally open book, and if anything significant happened in my life, all my friends were the first to know. Maybe I just felt like there wasn’t much to tell? Or maybe I didn’t want them to overreact like I knew some of them would? I understood, I mean, I overreacted to practically everything, but still.   
  


I sighed lightly, realizing there wasn’t much of a point to hiding it anymore, “I had a date last week.”

Yerim was still coughing slightly, having seriously inhaled some of her drink from her surprise, and she tried and failed to talk. Jungeun reached over and gently rubbed circles on her back, stifling her own laughter the whole time.

“With who?” Heejin asked, her genuine curiosity showing in her voice and eyes. Hyunjin couldn’t have seemed more indifferent, entirely focused on her food.

Apparently Yerim felt that Heejin hadn’t asked that question with enough intensity, because she piped up again through her fits of coughing, “Yeah, with _who_???!!!” Jungeun’s attempt at concealing her laughter failed at how strained Yerim’s voice sounded, and Yerim playfully swatted her hand away from her back with a slight pout.

I groaned under my breath, knowing that I was in for a full on interrogation from three separate girls, all of which weren’t gonna let me skimp on the details. I really didn’t feel like explaining all of this again. Mainly because it sort of hurt to.

Sooyoung hadn’t texted me. Despite telling me to “expect one,” nothing came. It’d been almost a week by then and I hadn’t heard a word from her. I was distracted during all of my shifts because I spent a detrimental amount of time just staring out the window toward the street, wondering if I’d catch a glimpse of her as she walked by. My mind started to come up with so many different scenarios that could explain the situation and her behavior, all of which I knew sounded increasingly unrealistic: maybe she’d broken her phone and lost all her contacts, so she didn’t have my number anymore? Maybe she forgot how to read? Maybe I really had just hallucinated that whole date during some sort of fever dream and it hadn’t even happened??

The truth was probably something much simpler, but also harder to swallow. And I really just wasn’t ready to do that. Despite not letting myself think about it for too long or let myself really sit and consider those negative possibilities, I knew they were there and that they were infinitely more valid and plausible than the ones I just listed. And because I knew, it wore on me. I got tired easier, I talked a bit less, I didn’t smile quite as often. It was noticeable, I was sure.

Junguen caught it immediately and also instantly inferred what my strange behavior was a result of without me needing to say a single word. All she’d said to me was, “give it some time. You’ll bounce back, I promise.” It sounded like she was speaking from experience, but I was too out of it to investigate that.

I pushed my food out of the way so that I could rest my arms on the table, using them as an uncomfortable pillow. A wave of drowsiness washed over me as I prepared for the onslaught of questions that were about to come from all sides, “A girl. You guys don’t know her.”

I was startled by a sudden hand slamming down onto the table, and my eyes shot to the abrupt noise. Yeojin had unnecessarily brought her small fist down hard, jostling a few of our lunch boxes from the vibration, probably hurting herself in the process, “I demand a _name!!_ ”

I just grumbled, hiding my face partially by burying it into my arm-pillow. For some reason I really didn’t even think I could _hear_ her name, let alone say it myself.

Chae reached and idly played with strands of my hair, something she knew calmed me down more than anything else ever could, “It’s some college girl named Sooyoung.” My whole body visibly flinched. The motion of her fingers stopped for a second before resuming, “She asked Jiwoo out at the Roost, they went on a date, and she hasn’t really talked to her since.”

I groaned again, hating how plainly she was explaining this because I felt like it was so much more than that. In truth, it wasn’t. Like it seriously wasn’t, that was what had happened. So why was it having such an intense effect on me? Was I really that much of a useless gay?

Yeojin scoffed, “Hasn’t talked to her?? Why?? Who wouldn’t want to talk to Jiwoo??” The seriousness to her tone was endearing to say the least. It actually managed to get a smile out of me somehow.

“That’s what I said!” Chae seconded the notion, and it was true. She had said that, many times over, and it was very very sweet, but it wasn’t really sinking in like other compliments would. I was good at taking compliments, normally, and I tended to believe them as a pretty positive person, but not this one. I was so out of it.

Jungeun sighed lightly, calming down from her fit of laughter at Yerim’s antics, “You don’t need her.”

I felt Heejin poke one of my arms, trying to get me to look up at all of them, but I couldn’t seem to manage it. My cheeks were warm from all this attention and from everyone talking about the date. I didn’t want to talk about it. My chest was starting to feel tighter than it tended to normally and I didn’t like it.

“Hey. Jungeun’s right, you don’t need her.” Heejin spoke softly, her voice soothing but not enough to snap me out of this all the way, “If she’s ignoring you, then she’s not worth it. Don’t let this bring you down, please, seeing you sad just doesn’t feel right.”

I sighed heavily, finally daring to reveal my eyes and look at her. I was leaving something out, something important that I hadn’t really mentioned to anyone, not even Chae. I knew she was gonna get mad when I said this, but the only reason I hadn’t was because I was embarrassed, nervous and scared. But I should tell. I couldn’t really get proper advice if I was leaving out a vital piece of information. 

“Actually...” Everyone at the table collectively leaned forward, literally on the edge of their seats (except Hyunjin, who hadn’t even glanced at me and had at some point stolen my lunch and started to eat it), “...I haven’t texted her.”

Chae’s hand recoiled from me like I’d given her some sort of electric shock as she gasped loudly, “What??”

Jungeun scoffed, shaking her head back and forth, “God. Jiwoo.”

“What...?” I asked softly, as if I didn’t know.

It was dumb. I should’ve texted her, and I knew that. I was this upset about not hearing from her, about her ignoring me, and I wanted literally nothing more than for her to talk to me and for her to be interested in me, but I wasn’t reaching out.

You probably think I’m dumb, just like Jungeun did. My reasoning is just because I was so paranoid I’d seem too eager. I didn’t want to seem as into her as I really was, because that’d scare her away right? She was so natural and charming and calm, and I was so... not any of that. We weren’t very alike. Maybe she realized that and got out before anything got too serious? She definitely underestimated how infatuated I was with her.

Heejin sighed heavily, hiding her face partially in one of her hands. The only one who didn’t seem incredibly frustrated with me was Hyunjin, who just chuckled to herself under her breath, almost done with whatever was left of my lunch, “Jiwoo... you need to text her.”

My chest tightened further at even the concept of that, of taking any sort of initiative in this... relationship? Was it a relationship? Was it classifiable as that? Or was it more of a... thing? God I had no idea how to do anything romantic, I just didn’t. And I was so scared to. What if I did it wrong? What if I ruined it even more?   
  


“No,” I sat up straighter, all the way, for some reason feeling more than ready to sprint away from this table if I had to. Chae seemed to sense it, knowing me all too well, and moved to tightly clasp one of my hands as if to say “I’ll pull you back to your damn seat if you so much as stand right now.” I grumbled something incoherent under my breath, my cheeks warming even more, “No no, there is absolutely zero way that I can--”

“--stop it.” Hyunjin spoke up, her voice surprisingly firm. The rest of my frantic words got caught in my throat from her sudden interference. The whole table more or less calmed down - Yeojin has started to stand up slightly in the way she tended to when she was about to enter one of her scream-rants, but actually sat back down. Thank god, “Just. Text. Her.” She punctuated each of her words by stabbing her last bite of food with her chopsticks.

I rolled my eyes, “Not that easy!” I tugged my phone from my pocket, setting it onto the table and tapping the scream as if to prove my point, “Our last text was from the date. _She_ said _she’d_ text _me_ , nothing there about me texting her, a-and what if she is gonna? What if I screw things up, what if I--”

Before my theoretical rambling could get totally out of hand, my phone was snatched up from my side. My heart skipped two or three beats and in a desperate, flailing attempt I tried to grab it back, but it was held out of my reach by a certain smirking blond.

“Ah, no!” I shrieked far too loudly, trying to get out of my seat and get it back, but Chae gripped my arm and held me back. I squirmed, “Jungeun don’t you _dare_!”

Jungeun smiled wider, leaning back for good measure so there was no way I could get my phone out of her grasp, “What’s her passcode??!”

For a brief moment I thought I was in the clear, that nobody knew and that she wouldn’t be able to get into my phone, but the relief lasted for literally a second when Chae piped up proudly, “5683!!”

“ _Don’t!!_ ” I shrieked again, drawing a few stares from the other kids in the cafeteria again as I squirmed and flailed. Chae moved to wrap her arms around my waist, needing to better hold me to the spot. She made sure to also affectionately rest her head against my back, as if to wordlessly remind me that this was for my own good and that this was all entirely well-intentioned. I did not at all absorb that sentiment.

Jungeun tapped the numbers into my phone and I felt my heart practically stop. Hyunjin was chuckling smugly across the table, finding this all incredibly amusing as she pushed my now empty lunchbox back toward me, though I couldn’t have cared less.

“Oh!” Jungeun exclaimed, “You put hearts next to her name already?? Wowwww!”

Hyunjin laughed harder, “I didn’t put hearts next to Heejin’s name until we dated for like two months! This is a serious crush huh?” Heejin pouted at the information, moving to rest her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder and cling to one of her arms with her hands.

“Shut _up_!!!” For a second I almost escaped from Chae’s arms, but she tightened her grip, “Ugh!! Lemme go, Jungeun, what are you gonna say?!!” The desperation in my voice caught her attention, and although this all still seemed to be in good fun in her eyes, she briefly glanced at me with a bit more empathy than before.

She paused for a moment, lips parted, but seemed to change her mind about what to say, “I’m gonna ask her out for you.”

I gasped loudly, “What?! No!!”

Yeojin scoffed, “What’s so bad about that?? Don’t you wanna go out with her?? Gosh you don’t make any sense!” Sometimes I forgot Yeojin was two years younger than me, but she also tended to remind me with how childish she could be. I mean I loved her, and I was childish too, but she was even more extra than I was. If she was gay and in my position, she’d be shrieking at all times, so she wasn’t one to talk.

“O-of course I do!! But... don’t! Just... I need to give it time!” I insisted intensely, watching in absolute horror as Jungeun’s fingers tapped against the keyboard. Oh god oh god oh god.

Heejin stepped in, “No, you don’t. You’ve given it plenty of time! I think she’s leaving it to you, since she made the first move.” She made her voice as calming as possible amongst all this absolute chaos, leaning forward and resting her hand on the table in front of me to get me to actually look at her, though I couldn’t quite manage it, “Jiwoo. Listen. Think about that - maybe she’s _also_ paranoid about this? Maybe _she’s_ the one worried about coming on too strong so she wants you to plan the next date?” She leaned closer again but I still couldn’t look at her, “Don’t you think that might be right?”

“ _No_ ,” I insisted, reaching down to try and claw Chae’s grip off of me though she didn’t even flinch, “You don’t get it - she’s not like that! Trust me, she wouldn’t _ever_ second guess herself!!”

Jungeun scoffed, “I think you’re hyping her up a bit too much, she’s just a person.” She was still typing. What the hell was she typing?? How was it so long?? My heart had never beat so fast in my life, it felt like I was gonna pass out from how panicked I was.

My instinct was to almost say that no, she wasn’t a person, but that wasn’t right. Yeah, she was definitely a person, but sometimes it felt like she was somehow more than that. Which makes absolutely no sense, I know. When you’re as whipped as I was, your brain just doesn’t make sense.

Finally, she did one final exaggerated tap and placed my phone onto the table, sliding it back to me, “Alright. All set.”

Chae let me go and I instantly reached forward, picking my phone back up and holding it to my heart, scared to ever let it go again. My hands shook so hard and I was terrified to look at whatever cocky, go-lucky Jungeun had sent to Sooyoung.

Jungeun sighed, “Are you gonna check and see what I texted your girlfriend?”

I visibly flinched from the comment, “Shut UP!” God my whole body was shaking. I couldn’t take this harassment much longer. Now that Chae wasn’t restraining me I seriously started to consider leaving. 

Hyejoo suddenly arrived and sat at the table, having been late to get to lunch that day for some reason and sitting in her designated spot besides Chae. Chae tensed up, I could sense it. That was weird. That’s not what usually happened. Normally her face lit up, and she’d turn to face Hyejoo and talk solely to her for almost the entire lunch period. Not this time. Hyejoo was quiet and just picked at her food. Also weird. She usually tended to talk to Chae, lowering her voice so only the two of them could hear. But she stayed silent. It almost seemed like she didn’t know any of us, or at least that’s what she was acting like. Our friend group had a lot of overbearing personalities that sort of drowned hers out sometimes. She got along pretty well with all of us but Chae was the only one not extra enough to really talk to her, and they connected that way. So why the silence...?  
  


I was snapped out of my mental tangent when my phone buzzed in my hands. I jumped slightly from the sensation. Oh god, oh no. Had she answered?? What was even said???  
  


“Oooh!! I heard that buzz!” Yerim exclaimed, flapping her hands around in excitement. I was _far_ from excited. A sense of dread was forming a sinking hole in my stomach.

Hyunjin groaned slightly in annoyance, finally seeming to be rather fed up with me too, “C’mon, quit leaving us in suspense here. What was said?”

I gripped my phone with white knuckles but still couldn’t manage to actually look at the screen, I was so scared. So dreadfully scared. What if everything was ruined? I mean, I’d already mildly assumed it was before, but what if it was _extra_ ruined? What if Jungeun had sent something crude and blunt? What if she’d seemed way too desperate? God, there were so many possibilities running through my head and absolutely none of them resulted in anything close to a good outcome. I hated this. I hated it so much.

Letting out a long breath in a failed attempt to ease the painful tension of my upper chest, I set my phone down on the table face-up and let it go. In an instant it was swept up by Heejin from across the table, her eagerness not even the slightest bit subdued. She typed in the code that’d already been announced by Chae, who now held a loose arm around my waist for moral support. It actually managed to help. How, I have no idea, but I wasn’t complaining.

I watched her face more intently than I’d ever watched anything in my life. Her eyes darted quickly across the screen once, twice, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Until finally, the corners of her lips turned up slightly. Ever so slightly. It was a subtle response before she managed to subdue it, probably wanting to leave me hanging just for fun, but I caught her initial reaction and that was all I needed. My chest lightened and it felt like I could actually get a real breath in. Chae felt my whole body untense and she rested her head on my shoulder.

“What? What is it, what did Jungeun say? A-and what did _she_ say??” I blurted out so frantically it almost all sounded like one word.

By that point my friends were pretty good at deciphering my incoherent ramblings and jumbles of words whenever anything involved a pretty girl, so Heejin didn’t need me to repeat my questions, “Looks like someone’s got a date on Thursday, huh?”

My heart skipped two beats. Had I heard that right or was I just hallucinating?

“What? Is it me? Do I have the date?” Warmth was flooding to my cheeks at even the thought of that. The thought of another date with Sooyoung. The thought of talking to her, of seeing her, of her nonchalant flirting and the lilt she’d get to her voice when she was really interested in what you were saying.

Heejin rolled her eyes, pushing my phone back to me so I could read it myself, “Yes, dumbass.”

Feeling relieved enough to actually see the exchange firsthand, I quickly looked at whatever it was Jungeun had sent out.

_hi! i’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and was wondering if you’d be free to get together again soon? i had a lot of fun, it’d be a shame to have it only be a one time thing~~_

Okay, that was about 40% bolder than I ever would have been in that position, but Sooyoung didn’t seem to notice or mind.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : you’re right, it would be a shame. another date sounds lovely. you said you were free on thursdays, if i remember right. how about this one coming up?_

My heart was beating at three times the speed, and I was so abruptly flooded with positive energy it was like it’d been injected straight into my bloodstream. God, did it feel nice to be happy again. I hated the weight I’d been carrying for the last week or so, it wasn’t natural and it didn’t feel right. The lightness I experienced then from the confirmation of her actually _wanting_ to see me, of her even remembering my schedule that I’d stammered out to her during our first encounter, it was so endlessly validating and reassuring and I was just so happy. A smile had broken out onto my face without me noticing, stretching out my cheeks as per usual.

“There it is,” Hyunjin pointed at my face and my newly acquired grin, “I’ve been missing that.”

I just laughed, consumed by this intense relief and wanting nothing more than to hug everyone near me all at once, but more importantly, I needed to actually answer Sooyoung. She’d asked me a question.

Still smiling so wide it nearly hurt, I tapped against my screen with slightly shaking fingers.

_thursday would be great! let’s go to the park! ^-^ it’s been so nice out lately_

My response was read in an instant, and before I even had the chance to process that, she was already typing out a reply.

_sounds like a plan. I’ll text you details about more specific times in a bit, but i’m looking forward to this <3_

My hands started to shake so hard from pure unfiltered excitement that my phone nearly fell to the floor. Chae noticed and politely reached over, taking it from me gently and setting it down on the table so I didn’t break my screen again. It had happened before, from things that were even less justifiable.

Yerim smiled, “Ah! Yes!! Happy Jiwoo is back!!” Apparently feeling the need to express how glad she was in a more direct way, she shot out of her seat and toward me so she could wrap her arms around my back. I was still way too overwhelmed to even respond to that, my whole body trembling, my smile so wide it nearly hurt my cheeks.

“Gosh, Jiwoo, what would you do without us?” Hyunjin asked playfully, twirling her fingers idly through Heejin’s hair.

I knew it was just a joke, but honestly, without my friends I’d be an even bigger disaster. At the thought, I reached down and rested my hand atop Yerim’s that were still held tightly around my middle, leaning back against her.

I had another date with Sooyoung.

***

Now, you may be thinking, “Jiwoo, you’ve already been on a date with her, so you won’t be as nervous for the second one, right?” Well, no, you thought wrong. You’re super duper wrong.

I was even more nervous. Why? Dunno, couldn’t tell you. I think I was just putting a ton of pressure on myself to make sure I didn’t screw anything up. I wanted it to be nice, I wanted her to like me, I wanted to be memorable. Which seemed hard. I mean, at the absolute very least her life was more interesting than mine. I’d gathered that from even just our first date. Making a lasting impact and making myself seem intriguing enough to hold her attention was a much harder task in my head than anyone else might think.

I waited nervously at the park, beneath one of the blossoming trees like Sooyoung had told me, wondering if I was even at the right one. The only instruction she’d given me was that it was a big tree, and that there was a heart carved into it. I’d found it eventually after some wandering. The heart said “S+C,” and it had made my chest a little tight. Was that S for her name...? Who was C? Or was I just being paranoid? It might just be a landmark she’d noticed. She may just spend a lot of time there so she remembered the mark. Right...? My mind kept wandering, worrying, and I reached toward it, tracing my thumb along the indentation in the wood.

I’d laid down a small picnic blanket on the grass and I’d dared to buy some pastries from work, more particularly, two of the same ones she’d ordered when she’d first come to the Roost that day. I wondered if she’d remember. I wondered if she’d think it was weird that _I’d_ remembered. I’d also bought two roses, one yellow, one white, and plucked the petals off to sprinkle them inside the small box. Which was extra, I know, but I honestly just couldn’t help it - I wanted to show that I cared enough about her to remember these things, even small things.

Despite having been sort of confident as I first bought them from that florist, now that I was sitting there, staring down at the two pastries surrounded by literal rose petals, I wasn’t sure anymore. I wasn’t sure of anything. God I had no idea how to be romantic. Was this too soon? Was it too much? Was I gonna weird her out?

Just as I was about to literally tug the petals from the box and let them blow away in the light breeze, an alluring voice tugged me straight from my train of thought, “Hey!”

My heart skipped a beat in an instant, leaping straight into my throat so fast I almost gagged, “Ah! Um--” She was walking toward me, the wind gently tossing her hair around her shoulders. God I really couldn’t even look at her, huh? The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. I swear, every outfit she wore suited her so impossibly well. Was she a model _and_ a fashion stylist? I could barely talk, needing to take a few extra moments to just stare at her like she was a piece of art. I watched her, lips parted as she sat down across from me on the small blanket, “--I-I, uh, hello!”

She tugged her knees up against her chest, looking at me with a warmth behind her eyes that made my cheeks flush with color, “Look at this little set up, that’s awfully cute,” She tilted her head at me, seeming curious, trying to read me. As if I wasn’t a totally open book, “You didn’t have to do all this. Aren’t you only free for an hour or so?” She asked gently. It was true, I had work that day - I’d had to unexpectedly cover for Mingyu. We’d found a window to meet up when she didn’t have class and before my shift started, and although it was small, at least it was something.

In an instant I felt embarrassed all over again - like I’d gone way overboard, but I just... wanted to. I wanted to do nice things for her, to show indirectly how I felt because I really really felt way too scared to say it. The longer I thought about it, the more I felt that this was all too soon. That I was jumping to conclusions, making assumptions I shouldn’t be. But I couldn’t really take it back, so I might as well stick to my guns.

Taking a slightly measured breath to stop my hands from shaking as much, I pushed the small pastry box closer to her, “U-um, I know, but I just thought I’d make it nice... yaknow?” Her smile broadened, a slight dimple appearing in her cheek that sent me reeling, “I-I just, got these, um, for us. I guess. Nothing really,” I tried desperately to downplay it and prayed she didn’t notice the petals. Maybe she’d just think they were from the tree we were under...? They were pretty drastically different, but maybe...?

“Are these rose petals?” She asked gently. My body tensed.

A nervous smile broke across my face and I giggled, the warmth in my cheeks getting worse and worse with every passing second. I couldn’t look at her, instead watching her slender fingers as she reached daintily inside the box and pulled one of the petals out, “I-I? Um, it’s... yeah! I-I saw some on the way here and just remembered you liked them so I thought maybe I’d just take a couple and put them in there because--”

She interrupted my panicked rambling in a second, “--that’s so sweet.” Oh my god, the tone to her voice and the softness behind it was... I was done. It felt like I was gonna faint. How was I so whipped already. This was ridiculous, I needed to calm this down.

_She’s just a person. A really really pretty, charming, sweet person, but a person. You’re good with people, remember? Don’t you remember that? She’s being nice, just be nice back._ I told myself in my head, slowly and calmly so my overstimulated brain could actually process it.

I gripped hard onto the blanket we sat on, balling some of the fabric subtly into my fist in efforts to cope. It actually sort of helped somehow, and my next words were more steady than any of the rest had been, “It’s nothing really. Just thinking of you.” _Wow was that flirting._ I thought, startled.

She seemed slightly taken aback too by my sudden composure. I think by that point she was more familiar with my gay panic than how I tended to be when I wasn’t a mess. This was pretty new to the both of us.

Her surprise only lasted for a brief second, “Have you been waiting long? Sorry about that...” She slung her backpack off her shoulders, having come straight from class. There was a pencil tucked behind her ear and oh my god that shouldn’t be allowed.

I jumped to reassure her, even though I had been there for ten minutes or so. It didn’t feel like any time at all, I’d been so preoccupied with my worrying and overthinking, “No! Nope, not too long. Besides, it’s such a nice day out.”

Her smile was so indescribably comforting and sincere, it just made me feel like I could never do anything wrong ever again, it was the only thing I ever wanted to see, and her voice was the only thing that I ever wanted to hear, “I was glad you texted me. Sorry for not saying much, classes have been kicking my ass lately, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t wanted to see you.” Her abrupt sentimentality made my heart swell. I scooted closer toward her on the blanket instinctively, playing the motion off like I was just shifting where I sat.

“It’s okay!” _As if I didn’t stress about it for like a week..._ I thought to myself nervously. If she was being all emotional, I decided it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to be sappy too, and I jumped at the chance, “I’m happy to see you too... my best friend has been hyping me up for days about this because she wants me to get a girlfriend so bad--” I stopped myself quickly, not realizing what I was saying until it’d already slipped out. Oops. Had I really said girlfriend. Had I _really_ said girlfriend. I pursed my lips, wishing more than I ever had in my life that I could rewind time or something.

Her face fell slightly and my chest tightened. Oh boy. Oh no. That really was my bad. I held back an instinctive reaction, which was to literally grimace at my fumble, and instead just smiled slightly. Maybe I could play it off...?

After a second of slightly tense silence, Sooyoung smiled ever so slightly, letting out an airy chuckle, “Ha, um... yeah, about that...” My heart was in my throat. Uh oh. What was she about to say? It almost felt like I couldn’t breathe. Was she about to let me down, hard? Had I just done the thing I’d been stressing about doing for weeks - and managed to ruin this whole thing before it even got off the ground?

God what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just watch what I said? When I was with her it was like I had no filter. None at all. Which wasn’t too uncommon, but normally the things that slipped out weren’t so risky, they were just stupid observations or comments that my friends brushed off.

I braced myself for some sort of impact as she shifted where she sat, crossing her legs. She fiddled with the petal that was still between her fingers, avoiding eye contact now, “Look, I’m... not really, um... I’m not quite used to that whole um, feelings thing. I’m not sure how to do it.” She worded that carefully and it was odd to see her uncertain of herself.

Despite how hard I was trying, I couldn’t for the life of me read her tone. And I wished more than anything that I could. Did she sound sad? Disappointed in herself? Or like she was trying to let me down easy? Maybe she was nervous? Or was she frustrated with the situation I’d put her in? I had no idea. God, I had no idea.

I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. I had no idea what she was feeling or what she was expecting me to do. I’d already shoved my foot so far in my mouth in literally three minutes that I was terrified I’d somehow manage to screw this up even more, but I had to say something.

If I was being realistic or honest with myself, I should probably back off. Retract my blatant interest, act like I was more indifferent about her than I was. But I just couldn’t. I wasn’t up for lying. I wanted to put myself out there, put all my cards on the table, so she knew. She might as well know. What else did I have to lose?

“That’s okay, I can show you if you want...” I swallowed hard, hoping it’d ease up some of my nerves, though it didn’t do much. I forced myself to stare back into her eyes just as she dared to let her gaze flit back to mine, and the contact was held for a few lingering seconds. There was a lot there. I could see it, but didn’t know what it meant, “I-I’m uh, a real sucker for feelings, I get them really really quick.”

I wanted to be as honest with her as I could without ruining things even more, because if she was going to actually like me, I wanted her to like _me_. Not whatever fake, more palatable version of myself I made up. I was supposed to be myself. That’s what everyone kept saying. So I was listening for once.

Sooyoung raised one of her eyebrows at me, “Oh?” Her tone was back to normal, back to its usual teasing and banter-y inflection. I felt myself starting to relax, maybe I’d salvaged this at least a little. But her next question sent me right back to the start, “Catch any for me yet?”

Oh. Oh no. She said that like it was a joke, like I shouldn’t take it seriously, like it was just for fun and she didn’t expect me to really answer with honesty. I knew it was banter. I knew. But I couldn’t keep back my initial reaction of getting incredibly flustered, blushing, my jaw dropping in an instant. I should lie. I was supposed to lie. Banter. Tease her back or something, and I knew that. But my response got caught in my throat just long enough for her to understand why. And her face fell all over again, the cocky smile sliding straight off.

God I was such an idiot.

I tried to fix it, jumping to pull out the best sarcastic comeback I could manage in the state I was in, though my mind was buzzing, “Ha, don’t flatter yourself!” My smile came back but it was forced. Thankfully I don’t think she knew me well enough to notice that sort of thing. Our eye contact was broken on my behalf. She’d clenched the petal between her fingers a bit tighter, her still maroon nails puncturing through the soft material of it. I watched as she let it go and it fluttered down to the blanket before getting blown away by the breeze.

She nodded slowly, “Who’s your best friend?” The question was spoken with that same unfiltered curiosity, like she was genuinely interested in whatever the answer was. She reached inside the box and picked up one of the pastries, starting to eat it as she looked at me with big, expectant eyes.

I didn’t have much of an appetite in all honesty, my chest still tight from everything that had just happened. It also didn’t help that I had to work around those pastries all day. They’d sort of lost their appeal for me. I absolutely took the chance she was presenting me to change the topic, to ease this tension, to hopefully avoid any more weirdness.

“Um, her name’s Chae - or, well, Chaewon I guess, but I haven’t called her that in forever...” I trailed off, wondering if she cared enough to get more information, and she gestured with her hand for me to elaborate, “Uh, she lives next door to me and we met ten years ago when I moved here - I tripped in front of her house and chipped my tooth,” I pointed to the one in question, one of the ones toward the front, which had long since fallen out and been replaced by a fully intact adult tooth, “And she helped but also made fun of me and called me toothless for a year.” Talking about Chae made my chest actually lighten, but more than anything I wished she was there. God, it was gonna be an interesting time trying to relay all of this to her.

Sooyoung nodded again, some of the sugar from the pastry getting caught on her lip. I wondered if she noticed, if I should tell her, or if I should be bold and reach forward to try and wipe it off myself, but before I had the chance to fully debate it in my head, my brain short circuited when she smoothly swept it away with her own tongue. Oof.

“She sounds nice,” She leaned back slightly, resting her weight against her arms, “I wish I had a childhood friend like that.” Her eyes got sort of distant, but her voice lacked any sort of emotional impact, as if she wasn’t sure how to properly assert it even if she tried.

I scooted closer, so effortlessly drawn to her even after all my fumbling from before. The air was starting to return to normal again from the more natural conversation, and I liked it - that same fuzziness making my heart feel warm, “You didn’t stay in touch with any childhood friends?” I asked gently.

She frowned ever so slightly, “Nahh... I didn’t really have any, actually.”

That was incredibly surprising to me. Even the thought of someone so incredibly interesting and intriguing and charming and magnetic not having friends seemed utterly impossible. Like... how could you _not_ at the very _least_ want to be Sooyoung’s friend?

“What? Why?” My question mirrored my disbelief and it may or may not have come out sort of wrong.

Sooyoung laughed lightly, “I dunno. Nobody really talked to me and I didn’t really talk to anyone either. I was a pretty shy kid.” She said all of that flippantly, glossing over what must’ve been sort of rough years of her life like they were nothing. It’d been a long time, she must have come to terms with it, but for some reason none of it was sinking in for me. It still seemed absolutely surreal trying to picture Sooyoung not surrounded by peers flooding her with constant adoration.

I blinked twice, “You? Shy? I’m sorry, that just doesn’t add up.”

She scoffed lightly, “I wasn’t this cool when I was eight. Confidence is something you earn, yaknow.” That was true. I definitely was lacking some. Maybe I’d transform into a confident gay when I went to college, who knows. Somehow I doubted it.

Before I had the chance to further express my disbelief, she finished off her pastry and leaned slightly forward, as if metaphorically and literally becoming more immersed in the conversation, “Lemme tell you a story.” With that simple sentence she had my utmost attention and my mind stopped all of its overthinking and sidetracking, instead focusing entirely on her. On whatever she planned to tell me.

She let her eyes wander slightly, as if recalling things she usually tended to forget, “I used to go to public schools, but I got bullied.” In an instant my chest was tight at the mere thought of that: Sooyoung getting bullied. I got a bitter taste in my mouth but didn’t interject, seeing that she was lost in her memories and not wanting to pull her out of them unless she wanted me to, “It was pretty bad, so my dad insisted that I transfer somewhere else. If I remember right, he said if I came home crying one more time, he’d ‘barge into that school himself and kick anyone’s ass if they so much as looked at me wrong.’” She smiled slightly but there was pain behind it. God, how bad was this bullying...? “Funny part is that I was like, thirteen. So I guess he was gonna come in and sucker punch a bunch of thirteen year old girls.” She laughed lightly at the thought and I couldn’t help but laugh too. I liked her dad already. He fulfilled the role I definitely would’ve taken if I’d known Sooyoung back then.

She sighed happily, her smile fading as the seconds wore on, “Mom thought that dad punching children wouldn’t be the smartest idea, so she put me in a different school instead - a private school.” She wiggled her fingers and rolled her eyes, “ _Very_ fancy and _very_ high class.” She added an exaggerated inflection on her emphasized words, with a posh accent that got me to smile again, “A girl told me that I had buck teeth so I punched her and broke her nose.” I couldn’t keep back my gasp of surprise and she just nodded at it, as if it’d been absolutely expected, “I didn’t get kicked out, my dad put up quite the fight. I had to go to anger management classes for a little, which was lame and unnecessary - but nobody fucked with me after that. And here I am.”

I was practically struck dumb after that story and I had so many clarifying questions I was positive they’d just overwhelm her. So I took a deep breath, trying to process it all to myself. I could literally feel my admiration for her swelling in my chest. For some reason, knowing that she came from relatively humble beginnings and had to struggle through some hard times made her seem like more of a person to me. Like someone I could relate to, someone who wasn’t totally flawless and hadn’t just had effortlessly fluid social skills since she popped out of the womb. She’d had to earn them and her charm, just like everyone else. It was like I was looking at her in a whole new light now, and I was so indescribably glad she’d decided to tell me that story. She probably thought it was a small thing, just some quirky tale that could start conversation, but I didn’t take it that way. I just... felt really special that she’d decided to share all of it with me.

I smiled, shaking my head back and forth slightly, “I can’t believe you actually punched a girl in the face.”   
  


She laughed, “Bitch had it coming!”

“Oh I’m not saying she didn’t! I just can’t picture you punching someone!”

She jokingly clenched her hand into a fist, raising it toward me, “Want a demonstration?”

I just giggled, reaching up and catching her hand with my own. As soon as I did, she intertwined our fingers together and rested our woven hands gently on the picnic blanket. Okay, those butterflies were back all over again. I’d gotten a bit used to them, though. They didn’t quite send me reeling into dysfunctionality like they used to, which was a step. A small step, but a step nonetheless.

For a while we just sat like that, neither of saying a word or feeling the need to. The breeze was gentle as it blowed around us, picking up some of the fallen blossoms and sprinkling them onto the blanket. There weren’t many other people in this area of the park, so it really felt like we had the whole place to ourselves. Occasionally she’d run her thumb along the back of my hand and I even dared to do the same to her once too. It just... felt like I should. It was so nice just to be with her like that. Nothing else, just us. Together. I wondered if she felt the same way. God did I hope so. I desperately desperately hoped so.

It was strange, but my usually constant, persistent, dominating optimism only ever seemed to shut down when the subject was Sooyoung. In absolutely all other areas of my life, I looked at things with such a positive spin, believing only the best would happen. But not with Sooyoung. With Sooyoung I was second guessing. Assuming the worst, which really wasn’t like me, and I can’t really explain why because I honestly wasn’t sure. I wasn’t a big fan though. I wasn’t used to negativity or being sad, so I didn’t really know how to cope with it - I’d never had to.

“So...” Even after that lengthy explanation I never would’ve asked for or anticipated her giving, I had one question left that was gnawing at me for an answer. Whether or not she actually wanted to give it was another story, and I had a creeping suspicion that she wouldn’t, “... you’ve just never had a best friend before...?” I wondered if it was too much, but didn’t regret asking.

Her face changed and she flinched slightly. I felt her grip on my hand loosen. The question definitely caught her off guard, which only made me infinitely more curious.

She frowned, her brow furrowing ever so slightly, “I... no, I didn’t say that.” A silence spread again, though it was less comfortable and warm than the last. I could practically see her mind buzzing, running over what must’ve been more memories she hadn’t planned on recalling until I’d brought them up. Just as I was gonna drop it and change the subject altogether, she clarified a bit further, “I had a best friend.”

The way she worded that stood out to me. I wondered if it was intentional.

“Had...?” Her head dipped slightly, some of her hair falling in her face. She seemed... off. If I hadn’t wanted to know so desperately, I really would’ve left it alone, but I felt like I was getting somewhere, “...you don’t anymore?”

She pursed her lips, blinking hard and taking an audible breath, “Nope.”

I scooted closer to her, wondering if that would help, “... how come...?” I realized when she flinched again that I was overstepping, “Um, you don’t have to say, if it--”

“--yeah. I’d rather not.” She smiled again but it was bitter and hollow. Lacking the usual charm. Her eyes flitted to mine and there was something different there, something she was trying to convey. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore and that was totally fine.

“Okay. No problem, I’m sorry.” I told her softly.

“Don’t apologize. Maybe... later, just... open wounds, yaknow?” She added that last part on quietly, as if she almost hoped I couldn’t hear it. If I hadn’t been listening so closely I might not have, honestly, but I heard. And God did I want to know more than ever.

What had happened? Why was it an open wound? Why was there a wound at all? Although I didn’t know Sooyoung exceptionally well, I could make the assumption that it must’ve been something pretty intense to impact her this hard. She seemed like someone who brushed a lot of things off. I felt protective all of the sudden. As if I could actually do anything to protect her. As if she even needed protecting. I just didn’t like the thought of her being hurt by anyone. And I felt a startling compulsion to find this ex-best friend and beat them up.

“I understand...” I told her slowly, “I’m still sorry though.” Her eyes finally flitted to me, and her lips parted as if to discourage that a second time, but I added something on, “I’m sorry you got hurt.”

She scoffed instinctively at the notion, but I saw something behind her eyes. She _was_ hurt. Whatever happened _had_ hurt her, and I knew that whatever surface level reassurances she was about to spout out were just that - defense mechanisms and deflecting. I let it happen. It was up to her if she wanted to share this, of course. And she didn’t seem ready. And if she never was, that was okay too.

“It’s not, I--” Her words stopped short when I tightened my grip on her hand, forcing our eyes to meet again. I think she understood that she didn’t need to pretend, because either way, I could tell. She just sighed instead, smiling ever so slightly, “--yeah.” She cleared her throat quietly, “I’m glad you have Chae. And you don’t have to worry about me, I’m happy with the friends I have and the people still in my life. Really I am.” That was the truth and I knew it.

I sighed lightly, “Good. You should be happy.”

She tilted her head at me and my heart skipped a beat, “You’re too sweet.”

I felt myself blushing, but didn’t care this time. I wasn’t embarrassed about it - about her knowing the effect she pretty blatantly had on me. Her previously weak grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly on her part and my heart skipped a beat. This felt... comfortable. I felt comfortable. Not necessarily composed, or not nervous, but I felt like she didn’t care that I was nervous. That it was okay to be nervous. That she wasn’t judging me, that she didn’t think I was weird or extra, and that was such a relief.

Right when I planned on saying something, on maybe asking something else or struggling to coherently compliment her back, my phone started to buzz on the blanket at my side. I jumped slightly, getting needlessly startled - the interference of it pulling me back abruptly to reality when I really had gotten lost in Sooyoung-land.

She laughed lightly at me, “Jumpy huh?”

I giggled, grabbing my phone with my unpreoccupied hand because I definitely did not want to break the contact we had. It was my alarm. I had to head to work - it was about a fifteen minute walk and I shouldn’t be late. God I’d never had a deeper resentment for Mingyu. Why couldn’t he have just kept his shift??? Now I had to cut this short when it was going so _well_. If I had been a bit more rebellious, a small part of me was genuinely considering just skipping the shift. But I couldn’t do that, Jungeun would be all alone. And she’d also kill me.

“Ugh... I’ve gotta go.” I told her with a pout. Her grip on me tightened, almost as if wordlessly telling me she wanted us to stay, and oh my god I didn’t want to leave.

She sighed, “That’s too bad...” When she pulled her hand away from me I felt myself deflate, wanting nothing more than to latch back onto her. She got to her feet and I did too after quickly rolling up the small blanket and tucking it away into the backpack I’d brought, “How much do I owe you for the pastry thing?” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, floral print wallet.

I looked at her funny, wondering if she was serious and then realizing she was, “Nothing, dummy. It’s on me!” I slung my bag onto my shoulders, realizing I really should go but just... not wanting to.

She hesitated for a few moments before putting her wallet away, as if suspicious that I was joking or something, “Thanks. Next time I’m buying.”

I froze up, my heart in my throat, “Next time?”

She didn’t miss a beat, and that was so incredibly reassuring, “Yeah. I wanna see you again, this wasn’t nearly long enough of a second date.”

_Ahhhhhhhhhh!_ I internally screamed, impressed at myself for being able to keep that reaction inside me instead of just gay shrieking at her. I just felt my cheeks warm all over again, smiling wide, not trying to hide how happy that made me because honestly what was the point?

“Really--? I-I mean, great! Yeah um, that’d be great! Just let me know!” I bounced slightly on my heels, so full of happiness and energy I had no idea what to do with it.

Her expression changed slightly, getting softer, “I will. Really I will this time.”

I would really be happy to just stand there and stare at her forever, but there was a time constraint. I needed to go, and we both knew that, but we were stalling. And I wasn’t the only one. She didn’t want me to go either, and oh my god did that make me so crazy happy. She actually wanted to spend time with me. Like, genuinely, on her own. I was almost giddy.

I just took a deep breath, trying to force myself to accept the fact that I needed to leave and that we’d definitely see each other again, “Ahh, okay! Well I had a really nice time, u-um, so... bye!” I wasn’t quite bold enough to go in for a hug, and she wasn’t making any move to like she had the last time, so I sort of panicked. Instead I just extended my hand forward for a handshake, instantly regretting it and feeling super stupid.

She just smiled sweetly at me and reached forward, accepting my awkward gesture. Or so I thought.

The next second I felt her pulling me forward by my hand, closing the space between us, and before I could even process that I was flush against her, I felt her lips against mine.

_w H a T_

My whole body felt like it was melting and my eyes widened from my absolute shock. Was this actually happening?? It was really brief. Nothing more than a peck, really, but it was with _Sooyoung_. **_Sooyoung_** was kissing me. My heart swelled and started beating at five times the speed. My brain felt like it exploded, it just... couldn’t even think thoughts anymore, or at least any thoughts besides “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Her lips were _really_ soft.

She pulled back after what must’ve been less than a second, leaving me an incoherent, blushing disaster. She took a step away, still smiling ever so slightly, “Okay, you can go.” Her grip on my hand faltered and she took another step back, as if realizing she definitely needed to do that in order for me to regain any sense of functionality.

I literally couldn’t talk or respond even a little, hell I could hardly move. My hand was still slightly extended for that handshake I thought I’d get, but then she’d turned my whole entire world upside down. I’d never kissed anyone, by the way. So this was just an absolute _event_.

She chuckled slightly after what must’ve been a solid four seconds of me blinking and staring at her with my jaw dropped, “Go! You’re gonna be late, ya big dope.” She slid her own bag onto her shoulders, taking a few steps away but still keeping an eye on me, as if making sure I was okay. Honestly I wasn’t sure if I was either.

I took a quick breath, snapping myself out of it ever so slightly, “Um! Uh, right! U-uh, bye!” My face was red, I knew it was, but there was no way I could do anything about it. My hands were still shaking. She just nodded at me and turned on her heel, starting to stroll away, and I couldn’t help but stare after her. God I just... did that really happen?  
  


I was still a mess even when I got to work fifteen minutes later. My hands literally wouldn’t stop trembling when I made all the drinks, I kept mishearing people’s orders because my mind was too busy just repeating the phrase “ _Sooyoung kissed you. Sooyoung kissed you._ ” over and over and over. Some customers even got kinda mad when I asked them for the third or fourth time what their order had been. On several occasions Jungeun had to come take over, until she finally just took the orders while I made the drinks.

At some point during a lull she finally turned to me, traces of slight frustration visible on her face although I knew she was utterly incapable of actually being mad at me, “Okay, what the hell Jiwoo. You’re extra hyper. Did you drink some of the coffee while I wasn’t looking because that is explicitly off limits during your shifts.” It was true. She’d made sure to lay down that rule the first day, and also didn’t believe me when I tried to reassure her I didn’t like coffee.

“No...” I told her firmly, fiddling with the strings of my apron as I still tried to calm down. It’d been almost two hours since it had happened, wasn’t it about time for my cheeks to stop being flushed and my brain to start working again?

She crossed her arms, “Well then what’s up with you?”

I sighed, my blush intensifying just from needing to say it out loud, “Sooyoung kissed me.” My heart skipped a beat. Pretty sure it was impossible to even address that verbally without that happening.

Jungeun clearly hadn’t expected that and her eyes widened slightly, “Oh? Already?”

“Already? What, is it early??” I’d never been in anything that could even remotely be classified as a relationship, so I really didn’t know how these things were supposed to go. Was Sooyoung moving fast? Did I want her to move fast? Did she move fast normally or was she only moving fast with me? Was that a good thing? Or was it a bad sign? Oh no, my stomach was tying itself into knots of worry all over again.

Jungeun shrugged, indifferent to my internal panicking, “Second date. Kinda early, maybe. I dunno.”

“I-It wasn’t anything big, just a small thing, but...” I trailed off, more and more heat flooding into my face, balling up the fabric of my apron into my fists.

She stepped closer, reaching up and poking one of my cheeks like she always liked to do, “But it drove you crazy?” Whatever traces of frustration she may’ve felt toward me were now all the way gone, replaced by her typical need to tease me relentlessly. That I could deal with. I never wanted anyone to be mad at me.

I pushed her hand away, but she maneuvered it around and poked me again. I pouted, taking a step back, “Y-yeah...”

She finally dialed back her teasing just a bit after one more poke for good measure, walking back to the counter and keeping her eye on the door for any new customers, “God, you really are whipped for her, huh?”

“You would be too...” I tried to defend myself, not seeing any point in trying to deny that sentiment.

Jungeun scoffed at the notion, laughing lightly, “Ha, not really my type.”

I blinked hard, “Oh, right, sorry. Sometimes I forget I have straight friends.” I adjusted my cap on my head, trying hard to pull myself back to a state of composure by immersing myself into work.

“Yeah...” Jungeun muttered, seeming distracted. I wondered why.

***

This time, Sooyoung hadn’t been lying when she said she’d actually keep in touch. If I was being totally honest, despite wanting to believe her I had a lingering fear that she’d get busy again and forget about me, but that wasn’t the case.

In fact, she actually texted me casually, not even to make plans - just to talk. Like, she wanted to talk to me. She’d ask me questions about my day, about how things were going, we’d have small talk and she’d sometimes complain about annoying people in her classes, and I _lived_ for it. I just liked the fact that she cared enough to do this, that she actually _wanted_ to know what I was up to, how I did on that test, if I got to school without getting wet from the rain. It was so sweet. And boy oh boy, did I want to know more about her. It took a lot of conscious restraint to just not bombard her with endless questions about her day, about her life, about the photoshoot she was going to or the group project that was giving her so much trouble. I just wanted to know.

Also, texting her proved to be much easier than trying to keep myself composed in person. Although my instinct was to just keyboard smash whenever she sent a cute selfie updating me on the day, I could actually take a few moments to compose myself and think of a real response instead of being put on the spot in person. Which was nice! She actually got to see what I may be like one day when I got my gay panic under control! If that ever even happened...

She even scheduled another date with me, only a few days after our first one. Another, real date. She described it as something “very low key,” where I could just head over to her dorm room and we could “hangout and chill.” Sooyoung was a very laid back person over text, and actually proved to be less flirty - which for me was a bit of a relief because I had _no_ idea how to flirt back to someone, let alone _Sooyoung_.

My friends were all really happy for me, if not mildly annoyed that I checked my phone roughly every three seconds just to make sure I wasn’t missing any extremely important Sooyoung texts. Hyunjin teased me the most for it but I couldn’t care less, just happy that I had someone to text who wanted to text me - that Sooyoung, the most gorgeous girl I’d probably ever seen, was even giving me the time of day.

One of my friends was a bit less hyped about the situation than the rest, though, and for a few days I wasn’t sure why. Normally I would’ve asked, but I let it sit, wondering if she’d bring it up on her own. And the day before my date, she actually did.

It was Heejin who’d been acting a bit off whenever I brought up Sooyoung (which was quite often). And one day during a lunch break, she pulled me aside in the hall outside the cafeteria and started speaking to me in a low tone.

“Hey, um, so I kinda just wanted to talk to you about something.” I’d never heard her use that tone before and it made me a bit nervous. She had also dragged me over by my hand and hadn’t quite let me go yet, instead clinging on just a bit tighter.

“Yeah sure, what?”

Heejin took a deep breath, her brow slightly wrinkled up in the middle. Like she was worried or distraught, but I didn’t get why. What was going on? Was something wrong with her?  
  


“Um... well, it’s about Sooyoung.” I flinched notably at the name and it seemed like she anticipated the reaction, frowning slightly at it.

“Huh? Sooyoung? What about her?” She’d already had my attention before, but now my curiosity was totally piqued. I’d noticed that Heejin had been a bit less invested in my Sooyoung fangirling sessions that I had almost every lunch with the whole group. I mean, there wasn’t much to report, it was basically just me showing them pictures of her and reading back some of our very bare minimum texts, but what can I say, I was the absolute definition of a bare minimum lesbian.

She took a bit of an audible breath, “Ok, well, I was just talking to my sister and I mentioned her name, and she knows her. From school.”

Yeah, that was right - I’d forgotten that Heejin’s older sister actually went to a private school. I guessed it must’ve been the same one Sooyoung went to, which made sense, “Oh, cool...” I trailed off when Heejin pursed her lips, almost grimacing. This was weird, “...why that face? What is it?”

“It’s just... look, Jiwoo, maybe it’s nothing, she might not be that reliable of a source, or things might be different now, I dunno--” She was rambling like she was nervous, like she was preparing me for something. Why though? What was the problem? I felt my chest getting tight already.

I cut her off, “--Just tell me.”

She sighed again, her grip that she still had on my hand shifting to instead intertwine our fingers together. Like she was trying to offer me support before she explained herself. Okay now I was really scared and it must’ve shown on my face. She made her tone as soft as possible, as if that would cushion what she was about to tell me, “... she’s kinda a player, okay?”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “A player?”

She nodded slowly, “Yeah...”

I think she was waiting for it to sink in, but it wasn’t really. For some reason, it just wasn’t, “Like... what? She just dates a lot of different people or something?” My chest was even tighter.

Heejin shifted slightly from foot to foot, unable to meet my eyes like she had been earlier, “Well um... yeah, kinda.” It seemed like she wasn’t sure what to do or say. This was uncharted territory for her, but it was for me too. A lot was happening in my head that I kept trying to process and sort out, but I just couldn’t.

“What do you mean kinda? It’s sort of a yes or no question...” I asked, my voice detached and distant.

Heejin took a step closer to me, lowering her volume as if afraid the occasional kid who passed by would hear, and assuming I wouldn’t want that, “I mean I don’t know for sure, it was just that she had... a bit of a reputation.”

My heart was beating fast again, but not in that nice, comforting way that I got from Sooyoung related nerves. This was different. This was from stress, tension and unease. And I didn’t like it.

“...What kind of of reputation?” I muttered quietly.

Heejin really wouldn’t look at me and I could finally read her face. She looked like she pitied me, and it made me feel even worse. Why should she be pitying me? What was this...?

“Yaknow... like, a heartbreaker...?” She’d tried so hard to word that in a way that would soften the blow but there was no real way to do that. It hit me pretty hard.

My face fell in an instant. It was finally sinking in, “Oh...”

That made sense. I hated it and I wished it didn’t, but it made a lot of sense. It explained why she was moving so fast. Why she was so bold. She’d done this countless times, with countless people. What if I wasn’t even the only one? She probably had plenty of girls’ numbers, she was probably talking to them the same way she was talking to me. I remembered what she’d told me that day under the tree, that she “wasn’t sure how to do feelings.” Was that all just to set me up for a let down?

Heejin tried to talk, tried to help me out and reassure me further, but honestly a lot of it was just white noise to my bustling thoughts, “But that was from last year. She’s in college now, maybe things are different, or maybe they were just rumors...” She tilted her head, trying to read my reaction and how I was doing. I was still just thinking.

Like... how was Sooyoung so damn _good_ at making me feel like I mattered? Like I was important, special? Like she actually did care about me, at least a little? Was that all not real? Had all of it just been for show? I... didn’t want to think that. The shred of optimism still left in me just wouldn’t let me think that. It couldn’t all be fake, it felt too genuine. Maybe it was just... exaggerated, but there was something there. I knew there was.

Right...?  
  


“I-I just wanted to tell you because I thought you should know,” Heejin kept going, kept trying to explain herself, kept trying to get me to respond to her or talk at all when I was so lost in my own mental tangents, “And it’s not like I want you to go and break things off with Sooyoung or anything like that at all, I’m really happy for you, but I’m also worried now too.”

She had good intentions. I knew that. She’d never try to tell me this just to hurt me, of course not. I dared to meet her eyes again, wondering if she could tell that mine were starting to burn.

She frowned bitterly, her hand trailing up to instead gently grasp my forearm, “Jiwoo...”

I took a deep, shaky breath that I desperately needed, my chest still nearly painfully tight and my throat constricting now too, “I have another date with her tomorrow...”

Her response was surprisingly immediate, “You should go.”

I shook my head, “Should I?”  
  


She pulled me a bit closer, her voice firm now, “Do you like her?”

That was the first thing she’d asked me that was easy to answer. I didn’t need to take even a single second to consider it, “Yeah. A lot.”

“Then of course you should go.” She said that like it was self explanatory, which I also would’ve thought a mere ten minutes ago, until she’d told me all this. Until she’d told me that this whole thing might be totally one-sided.

My eyes got distant again. I couldn’t look at her.

There was definitely a bit of guilt setting in on Heejin’s shoulders. I don’t think she was prepared for just how much of an impact this would have on me. I don’t think she understood just how much I felt for Sooyoung, which was fair, and she kept trying to take it back or make me feel more confident about this somehow, “I didn’t mean to make you second guess yourself, I just... I dunno. Forget I said this, it doesn’t matter,” She reached forward and instead clasped both of my hands with her own, tightly, even pulling me a bit closer, “What matters is how you feel. Okay? That’s always what matters.”

I wasn’t so sure. There was an intense sinking feeling in my stomach. I almost felt sick, “But... what if--”

I didn’t even get a chance to verbalize whichever of my dozens of new concerns was surfacing because she cut me off, “--no. None of that. Look, really, just go for it. You like her and it seems like she likes you, right? So who am I to stop you?” She was trying so hard to convince me and I really did appreciate it, but I felt so thrown off kilter. I was in such a good mood before, and now everything felt different.

“I’m... I dunno...”

“Shush.” She pulled me closer, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as she walked the two of us into the cafeteria, where our friends were probably all waiting and wondering why we weren’t there yet, “You’re thinking about this too hard. Be yourself.”

_That’s what I’ve been doing. But what if it’s not enough...?_

***

Navigating college campuses was incredibly confusing, yet again, even with the consistent updates and instructions from Sooyoung over text. I asked a few people for directions to her dorm building, since most of them looked the same. Apparently she was on the sixth floor, and she’d given me her room number. My heart was in my throat for more reasons than one as I paced nervously in the small, slow-moving elevator, my heart pounding faster and faster with each floor it passed by.

Firstly, I was going to see Sooyoung again in person for the first time after she’d kissed me that day. Was she going to kiss me again? Had that been a fluke? Or was there something deeper behind it? Was she expecting me to kiss her? Was I supposed to?? I didn’t know how, I was so new to all of this, what if I was a bad kisser?? Ugh...

Secondly, there was the whole new information about her... reputation? I wasn’t sure how else to word it. She was a heartbreaker, apparently, or she had been when she was in school. Heejin had mentioned that maybe she’d changed since she got to college, but I wasn’t sure. It would add up, I mean, she was so incredibly charming and good with words, not to even mention her seamless, effortless flirting. How had she gotten so good at that? From practice on countless other girls...? But, why would she be spending time with me if she didn’t like me...? What did she want from it...? What were these dates for...?

My mind has been buzzing and I’d been fraught with these worries since I’d left my house that day, spending surprisingly less time picking out my outfit than I had for the other dates. Despite all this uncertainty, I still felt more comfortable around her than before, and I didn’t think it was totally necessary to overthink the small things anymore when there were much bigger things to overthink now.

I jumped when the elevator doors finally opened, revealing a bland hallway made of brick, dotted with doors all painted the same color as the walls. My heart was in my throat already. I cautiously stepped out, double checking my phone to see her room number again before heading down the hall in what I thought was the right direction.

Unsure, I nervously pulled up our text conversation just to be safe.

_hey i think i’m in the right building? and the right hallway?_

It was read in an instant, something that always gave me chills.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : does it look like a prison?_

My brow furrowed for a second as I looked at my surroundings a bit closer. It was pretty bleak in here.

_yeah sorta?_

One of the doors I stood next to was abruptly thrown open and I jumped again, not sure why I was getting startled so easily by doors opening. Sooyoung came into view, wearing nothing but boyshorts and a crop top. Um. What. Was this allowed? Was that even allowed??? I nearly dropped my phone to the floor. In an instant I felt my face turning red as I fought actively not to look at her exposed midriff, though I somehow _knew_ without even needing to look that the skin there was toned. Her hair was up in a sloppy bun and she didn’t have even the faintest trace of makeup on, and she looked practically the same. God how was that even fair??

“Hey!” She greeted me, sounding happy, and I smiled as best as I could through all my inner gay turmoil. She reached forward, pulling me closer by my hand and wrapping her arms around me. Okay I really didn’t think I’d ever get used to Sooyoung hugs. They made my heart nearly stop every single time. I hugged her back instinctively, automatically, startled but pleasantly surprised. No kiss? Did that mean the last time had just been a fluke? Or were we only doing goodbye kisses? Or was that not a thing either? I guess we’d see when it was time to go. Oh boy.

She let me go first, reaching behind me to shut the door, and I actually started to process where I was now that I wasn’t flush against her.

She clearly had a roommate, since one half of the room was notably different from the other. One side was neat, relatively put together and all various shades of classy beige, white, and grey, while the other was rather haphazard with clothes strewn around and pretty important looking school papers half hidden under pairs of mismatched shoes. Sooyoung headed straight over to the more tidy side and I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised from that. Her laptop was open on her desk and was playing some music through a speaker - nothing that I recognized, just something with a pretty relaxing beat that somehow managed to calm down the nerves that had started to eat away at me.

I dared to take a few steps in, slipping off my shoes because it felt like she would’ve wanted me to. There were strings of polaroid pictures lining her walls, and I instantly walked over to her bed to get a better look. More than anything I wanted to catch even the slightest glimpse of her life from her perspective. Some of the pictures were of her, posing in various parts of the city in the dead of night, and some were with other girls who I obviously didn’t recognize. I wondered if they were her friends or... something more than that. She was kissing one of them on the cheek in a photo taken in what looked like a bar. I felt my throat starting to burn with what I think was jealousy, and I was mad at myself for feeling that. Sooyoung wasn’t committed to me... we’d never said anything like that, nothing even close. I really needed to chill. She couldn’t have seemed more relaxed. Maybe some of it would rub off on me.

She sat at the head of her bed, patting the space near her for me to join. I did, wondering why I was still so damn tense and trying so actively to will it away.

“How’s your day been so far?” She asked me gently, the ambient sound of the music from her laptop helping to prevent any sort of particularly awkward silence.

My instinctive response left me before I could try and reign it in, “Nothing too great, but it’s much better now.” I think a part of me was trying to test her. Trying to see if she’d get sentimental if I got sentimental. Trying to see if this meant more to her, if _I_ meant more to her. Trying to see what this meant, at all.

She smiled sweetly at me, the type of smile you think about for hours after the fact and want to see over and over again, “Jesus, you really are the most precious thing aren’t you?” The tone to her voice made me feel like I was melting.

I giggled, looking away from her, “I-I, uh, I dunno! I-I just... like... spending time with you...” I muttered under my breath, half of me not brave enough to actually say that aloud, the other half wanting to scream it from the rooftops.

She chuckled, scooting closer to me on the bed, “I like spending time with you too. You’re fun.” She sounded... indifferent? I’m... not sure how to describe it, but it lacked the sweetness and softness the rest of her statements had. It felt emptier, more flippant. My smile faded slightly but she didn’t seem to notice.

The next second, she got to her feet and went over to her laptop, bending over her desk and fiddling with some things. I felt... weird. I mean, I guess it was pretty normal to feel that way in a place you’d literally never been, with someone you weren’t particularly close with yet, but I felt a different type of uncomfortable than before, a new type of nerves that started to really make my hands tremble. I thought I was past this. I thought I was more or less okay with being around Sooyoung one on one, so why was all of this even happening...? What had changed? What was different?

“U-um, so you have a roommate?” I asked, my eyes flitting to the side of the room that definitely wasn’t hers.

She nodded, “Yeah, most college kids do if you live in the dorms. She’s pretty good, all things considered. Kinda messy, but hey, what can ya do.” She shrugged, genuinely not seeming to care. I felt like a lot of things didn’t faze her.

“Oh, that’s lucky!” I smiled, “I hope Chae and I go to the same college next year cuz then we could be roommates. I’ve always wanted her to be my real sister...” I glanced over my shoulder at the aforementioned polaroids, trying to scan them quickly for anyone who might be a family member, but nobody really looked related, “Do you have any siblings...?”

She pulled her desk chair out, sitting in it and spinning around rhythmically to the beat of the song she’d put on, effortlessly hypnotizing me, “Nah, I’m an only child. Probably why I’m so spoiled and why I feel like I need constant attention all the time.” She said sarcastically, shooting me a wink when she faced me before spinning out of view again.

I was still blushing fiercely but barely even noticed it anymore, sort of getting used to my face being red if Sooyoung was around, “Ahh, that does explain some things.” I tried to playfully tease her.

She stopped her spinning to shoot me a glare, “Wow okay, damn,” She laughed lightly, “What music do you like?”

The question caught me slightly off guard, “Me--? Um, uh, anything really! I’m not too hard to please! I really like music though, like, a lot.” I told her, watching as she seemed to hang onto my every word.

She smiled devilishly, spinning back to her laptop and making a few clicks on the track pad before a semi-familiar song started to fill the room. It was Havana by Camila Cabello. Okay, yeah, definitely not a bad song, but that wasn’t what caught my attention. What did, was how she stood slowly from her chair, her eyes locking onto me and not wavering for even a single second, her hips starting to sway to the beat and her hands reaching up to undo her bun - her dark hair cascading down her shoulders in loose curls.

I literally forgot how to breathe. Forgot how to think. Forgot how to... be a person, even, I just... oh my god? I watched her, my lips parted and my jaw dropped, my eyes wide and looking her up and down, I mean, c’mon, I couldn’t help it. You’d be doing the same thing, don’t even.

For a while she just... danced, mesmerizing me and absolutely being aware of what she was doing. All her movements were just... really smooth. She was uh... good at this. I shouldn’t have been at all surprised, but I was for some reason.

She tousled her own hair in the back and my heart skipped a beat, feeling like I should say something instead of just wordlessly staring at her, “U-um... you’re a really good dancer...” My awe and my um, pretty blatant attraction was more than evident in my voice but it wasn’t like I was even trying to hide it anymore, there was no way I could.

She smirked, seeming pleased with herself, “I bet you are too.”

I scoffed at the suggestion, not thinking she was serious, “Me?” Then I realized she hadn’t been joking. Not even in the slightest. She nodded slowly and my face fell ever so slightly, “U-uh no, no I don’t really--”

“--c’mere.” She told me, her tone low. My next breath got caught in my throat, my brain still busy short circuiting from the way she was swaying her hips. I shook my head back and forth slightly, a very faint, timid smile coming to my face. Then she got closer, reaching down and clasping my hands. Tight. “Come _here_.” Oh. Oh my. Her eyes got dark and she physically pulled me to my feet, tugging the two of us to the center of the room.

My heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what to say or do, my face so red that the blush may’ve spread to my ears. She’d tugged me flush against her, letting my hands go but wordlessly telling me with the fire behind her eyes that I couldn’t sit back down. She wouldn’t let me. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I sort of just stood there, stiff as a statue while she kept dancing, kept effortlessly entrancing me with her movements, kept staring at me expectantly, wanting me to move with her, but I felt rooted to the spot.

It was then that she reached forward again, putting her hands on my own hips, trying to get me to sway like she was - a really simple dance move that normally I wouldn’t have hesitated to do, but in this setting? Alone, with her, while she was staring at me with her dark, smouldering eyes? I-I just... I dunno, it was... I felt like I was having some sort of out of body experience. She edged ever so slightly closer, her eyes lidded, not staring into mine anymore but instead focusing on something lower. Oh my god was she looking at my lips?? It felt like I was about to explode.

“Relax...” She whispered to me softly, her tone still low, but gentler. She said that, and she meant it, but how on earth was I supposed to relax? How could I possibly relax with _Sooyoung_ inches from me, when her hair was slightly messy, when she was wearing a _crop top_ and she was looking at my lips? How on _earth_.

I couldn’t help but laugh ever so slightly at even the _concept_ of “relaxing” in this situation, and that was when she reached forward again. She gently clasped both of my wrists with her slender fingers and she tugged my hands forward, resting them _on her midriff,_ her _bare_ skin that was warm and soft and it _was_ toned, I _knew_ it would be, and my breath hitched and it was audible and my head was _swimming_ \--

\--and then she was kissing me. She was kissing me and it wasn’t brief this time, and her lips were even softer than I thought they were. My legs felt like jelly. I was worried I’d actually pass out. My heart was pounding and my spine was littered with chills. I felt myself shaking, just trembling, and she must’ve been able to feel it since she still loosely held onto my wrists.

She pulled back and I couldn’t breathe. My eyes were still shut and I was scared to open them, scared to have this all just be a dream. The air in the room was thick and dense and weighed down on me. I wondered if she felt it too.

She edged closer again, “I’ve wanted to kiss you like this since the first time I saw you.”

I almost fell over, really not trusting my ability to stand anymore, “...really?”

My timid, shaky question barely had a chance to leave me when she kissed me again. Harder than before. I couldn’t keep back the small noise I made and it made her tighten her grip on me.

There was no way that I could be feeling this much, that I could be flooded with so many indescribable, absolutely _consuming_ emotions without her feeling at least _something_ back. There was just no way. And there was no way she could kiss me like this, no way she could ball up fistfuls of my shirt and pull me closer so that my back arched, no way that she could put so much behind everything she was doing if there wasn’t something there. She couldn’t make it up.

Right?  
  


Again, she pulled back for a quick fraction of a second, “Does that answer your question?”

I nodded slightly, still afraid to open my eyes because I didn’t want her to stop. I really really didn’t. And thankfully, she didn’t seem to want to either, because before I could get nervous she was kissing me all over again and I was flooded with those same feelings, _so many feelings_ that just absorbed my whole chest and made me feel warm and fluttery and light, like if she wasn’t clinging to me I would’ve just floated up to the ceiling.

The next thing I knew she was pulling me, bringing me along with her as she walked the two of us back to her bed but not ever separating from me. My mind was buzzing and I just let myself be led wherever she wanted to bring me. She sat on the edge of her bed and pulled me down with her, sitting me on her lap, and I was really struggling to even breathe, to even think anything coherent, to process what was happening and to maybe even respond to it, but it was just too much. I barely thought it was real.

I’d never done anything like this before, and I was so nervous, so clumsy and awkward and I didn’t know what to do with my hands, but she didn’t care. She was patient and slow and didn’t rush me, keeping the pace steady and predictable. Her hand was against my jaw and it traced gently up and down, somehow managing to tell me wordlessly that everything was okay, that I could do whatever I wanted, that this wasn’t serious and I shouldn’t be so scared.

So I finally dared to actually move my hands she’d placed on her midriff, slowly and lightly tracing my fingers along her _impossibly_ soft skin and just... taking it in. How could someone be this smooth and patient and kind and gorgeous all at once? How was that even fair? And how could that same person whose existence didn’t even seem possible be kissing me like she meant it - me, the panicked gay newbie barista who’d never so much as successfully spoken to a pretty girl without mentally malfunctioning.

I’d gotten lost in my own head but snapped out of it in an instant when she pulled away again. I couldn’t have been more out of breath but she was composed, unsurprisingly. I wondered why she’d withdrawn but got my answer in an instant when she moved close again, kissing my neck. I muffled a noise I couldn’t keep in by pursing my lips, feeling like I was covered in goosebumps and wondering if she could tell. Wondering if she’d even care.

She whispered something against me that I almost couldn’t hear over my own heartbeat, “You’re so small...” Her hands moved, circling around my waist and pulling me closer.

I blushed harder, if that was even possible, surprised that my voice was remotely coherent considering all that was happening, “...n-no I’m not...” I whimpered when she trailed her kisses up to my jaw, my grip on her tightening against my will. I think I accidentally scratched her by accident but she wasn’t complaining.

“It’s cute. You’re adorable.” She muttered softly to me, and I was really worried I’d actually just dissolve into dust and blow away into nothing.

I took an audible, much needed but trembling breath, “You too...”

She chuckled smugly, sending mind-numbing vibrations along my neck, “Oh? You think so?” She was trying to be flirty, trying to have banter, but I couldn’t have been more serious.

A lot of my inhibitions were flung out the window, since the last thing on my mind was petty nerves when I was literally straddling Sooyoung, so what I said next came from somewhere deep. Somewhere unfiltered that I hadn’t let myself tap into, but I felt emboldened and risky and... just... a lot of feelings for her. For a second she drew back, our eyes meeting, hers having that same entrancing spark behind them that made my butterflies go haywire.  
  


“You’re so beautiful it makes my heart stop...” I breathed out airily, letting myself stare at her and just... look. It was unreal. She was unreal.

Something changed from the comment. She hadn’t expected it, and hell, I barely did. More than anything I wished I could read her face. I wished I could tell why something behind her eyes changed, why the spark flickered a bit and morphed into something else I’d never seen before, but she didn’t let me think about any of that because she tugged me closer and kissed me into thoughtlessness.

I don’t know how long we kissed like that, I honestly didn’t have the slightest ability to keep track of time when Sooyoung was _kissing me_ , but eventually she broke the kiss first, smiling ever so slightly, and told me, “I have a photoshoot to go to...”

I blinked hard, trying to snap out of it as best as I could, “Um... right now?” My voice was weak. I wasn’t at all used to her still being this close to me - her face was inches from mine.

She sighed lightly, resting our foreheads against one another, the gesture so unexpectedly sincere I felt like collapsing, “Yeah. I’m sorry. At least it was longer than the last one.”

Had it been? I glanced at a small clock she had on her nightstand and was startled to see that it’d been two hours. Two hours??? What?! From my surprise I actually stood up and off of her, wondering where the heck that time had gone. Had I really just kissed Sooyoung for like, two hours?? Was that really a thing that had happened???

She got to her feet too, straightening out her shirt and smoothing down some of her hair, “I’ve gotta start getting ready,” She gestured vaguely to herself, “In case you couldn’t tell I’m not quite prepared for the camera.” Honestly she looked stunning. Like if she waltzed into her photoshoot looking exactly the way she did then, I was sure nobody would have a single protest. But I kept that to myself.

I nodded, my whole body still trembling as I watched her go up to her dresser and start opening up various drawers. She glanced at me over her shoulder, smiling smugly, “Unless you’d like to stay and see me get undressed, we should probably call it a night.”

The heat that’d previously been content hovering on my cheeks instantly spread to my neck and ears at even the thought of that, and I giggled, incredibly flustered, “Ahaha! No! Um, I-I’ll go! U-u-um, I-I had a really nice time, so, uh, maybe, um, if you wanted, we could--”

“--I’ll text you Jiwoo. You don’t have to worry about that.” She was telling the truth, I could tell from the glint to her eyes and the firmness of her words. Good.

I definitely wanted to do that again.

“Okay! Great!” I edged closer to her door, more and more, wondering if she’d stop me but she actually did kind of seem to be in a rush, puttering around her side of the room, fumbling for makeup and different earrings and shirts. She shot me a quick smile but didn’t make any moves for any sort of goodbye gesture, which I was honestly fine with. Pretty sure we’d just had enough physical contact for one date. It was only when she reached down and grabbed the hem of her shirt, definitely starting to pull it over her head that I dove into the hallway with a quick, “Bye!” and shut the door behind me.

Dear god I really felt like I couldn’t breathe.   
  


Yes, I was whipped for Sooyoung. No, nobody was surprised. But now there was something else lingering in my head. A fear. An underlying, uncertain fear that Heejin had planted in there whether she liked it or not, and no matter how much my optimism tried to shut it down, no matter how much Sooyoung’s own actions seemed to refute it, it was there.

And I couldn’t will it away.


	4. Breathtaking (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwoo takes a risk and buys Sooyoung a present. Sooyoung gives Jiwoo a present in return, but it wasn't at all what the girl had predicted.

_**~~please comment it's like what i do this for~~** _

I sighed for what must’ve been the twentieth time since I’d gotten to Yerim’s, fiddling with the string of the party hat that had been thrust onto my head as soon as I’d stepped through the door. The smell of a baking cake wafted in from the kitchen that Yerim’s mom was baking, happy party music was audible being played from another room, and there were pretty decorations all over. Really, this was my ideal setting in every sense of the word. I should’ve been bouncing off the walls, asking endlessly when the cake would be ready, tossing confetti around and sprinkling it on my friends heads, or dragging Chae along with me to dance when an Oh My Girl song came on, but I wasn’t. Instead I was just sitting there on a chair in Yerim’s dining room, watching as the others struggled to set up a banner.

“Jiwoo can you help with the balloons?” Heejin asked me gently, definitely having noticed my strange mood. More than anyone she’d have a suspicion as to why. Maybe that was why she’d made her voice soft when she spoke to me.

I looked at her, then the clock on the wall. Yerim had asked a few of us to come early to her birthday, to help her set up - insisting that it’d be a good bonding experience, which I suppose it was. Though we’d also underestimated just how little she’d set up beforehand, and had no idea we’d have to essentially start from scratch. Hyunjin had put up a bit of a protest, asking why it was necessary to set all this stuff up if most of the guests were already there anyways. Yerim dismissed the question by explaining adamantly that it “wasn’t a party without decorations.” The only people who had yet to come were Jungeun, who had work, Hyejoo, who was in theory supposed to be there but was late, Yeojin and her older sister, and Yerim’s history tutor Jinsol. I’d heard a lot about her but never actually met her before.

Heejin stepped slightly closer at my lack of a response, “Yerim said she got you a peach one...”

That was so sweet. My favorite color. She didn’t have to do that. I thought all those things but didn’t say a single one.

“They make peach colored balloons?” Hyunjin asked in a monotone, starting to get visibly annoyed with how long she’d been holding up one end of the banner for.

Yerim beamed, fumbling with a bunch of tacks as she tried to put it up properly, “I went to five different stores!!” Heejin stepped over, moving to help, not at all trusting Yerim with all those pointy sharp things as her hands trembled from her constant state of excitement.

I actually did smile at that, and although it wasn’t necessarily forced, it was less intense than they normally tended to be, “Aww... that’s nice, thank you.” It was in my voice that my lack of energy really showed through. God I sounded so weird. Everyone in the room turned to glance at me simultaneously, not liking it. I didn’t like it either but I wasn’t sure what to do to get back to normal. I just felt off.

Hyunjin stepped down from the stool she’d been standing on, fully giving up on her banner task. Yerim didn’t protest, instead following suit and entering full concerned friend mode, “...that was very unenthusiastic of you. What’s up?” Hyunjin crossed her arms, a wordless way of telling me she wasn’t gonna put up with any sort of avoidance tactics.

But I didn’t think avoiding this was necessary. Maybe they could help. I _did_ want help, this was supposed to be a super fun party, a day for Yerim, one of my favorite people on this earth, and more than anything I wanted to be happy for her. I wanted to laugh with her and play games and eat cake but there was this weight on my shoulders that wouldn’t go away.

“Nothing I’m just...” I sighed lightly, shifting my weight from foot to foot and avoiding all of their prying eyes, “I’m... kinda sad.”

A collective gasp was heard around the room along with a bunch of overlapping responses:

“Sad???!”

“Huh-- what?”

“You’re _sad_?”

There was a knock on the front door one room over, but it barely seemed to faze anyone - too immersed in the conversation at hand. Yerim took a split second to shout, “COME IN!!” At an ear-piercing volume before focusing all of her attention back on me.

I looked to the door and saw a timid Hyejoo poke her head inside. She looked pretty normal, dressed in darker colors as per usual. I wasn’t surprised she’d been invited, Yerim took a liking to her from the start and was startlingly adamant about getting her to “open up” to the rest of us. I liked her too. She was sweet when you actually got her talking, but that was no easy task. Typically she tended to be standoffish and sort of like Jungeun in the way she’d playfully tease us. She was really sarcastic too, sometimes so effortlessly I had a hard time even noticing it.

“Hi guys, what’s going--?” The quiet girl started to speak up but was instantly overpowered by my much louder friends.

“Shh!! Hello! You look pretty and thank you for coming but we have an _urgent task_ at hand!” Yerim simultaneously greeted and dismissed the new guest. Hyejoo blushed lightly at the unexpected compliment and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her.

Hyejoo walked toward us, her eyes flitting to the various half put up decorations, “What’s so urgent...?” She trailed off and I wasn’t sure why, but noticed only then that Chae had stepped into the room from the kitchen. She’d been helping Yerim’s mom bake, but I think she’d been ushered out. Chae really wasn’t the best with ovens. She came in smiling like usual, a smile I always loved to see, but it slid straight off her face when she and Hyejoo met eyes. Whoa. The air gained this palpable tension that made me instantly uncomfortable and I wondered if anyone else felt it. Was I the only one who noticed the weirdness, since everyone else was too worried about how I was doing?

Chae’s face was... unreadable. She had this expression that I’d never seen on her before and although I didn’t recognize it, I didn’t like it either. For a few lingering moments, nothing was said. Until finally, Chae just ducked back into the kitchen without a single word.

Hyejoo cleared her throat, “I-I’m gonna, um, go to the bathroom, ok? I’ll be right back to help,” She didn’t wait for a response, already heading down Yerim’s hallway and dipping out of sight as soon as the words had left her.

That was weird.

Yerim had enough, stomping her foot once as if that would somehow change the situation all on its own, “Why are you sad??? What???? NOT ALLOWED.” In the next second she rushed forward, pushing a chair emphatically out of the way instead of simply stepping around it, and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I rolled my eyes slightly, although I was pretty amused that her solution to almost every problem was hugging. I really loved Yerim. She squeezed me particularly hard and I seriously couldn’t even breathe, she was stronger than she looked when it came strictly to positivity-inducing hugs.

Hyunjin stepped closer, her composed, steady voice a drastic change from Yerim’s loud volume and intense joy, “Wait, why’s Jiwoo sad?”

“I dunno!!” Yerim explained in a chipper tone.

Hyunjin sighed, unamused as per usual, “Well let her go so she can actually tell us, dumbo.” There was an affection behind her words and the nickname she’d used. Even though we definitely got on her nerves for being extra, she had a huge soft spot for us and everyone knew it. Otherwise she would’ve stopped hanging around us long time ago. Sometimes it’d show through, but she was cautious about how much of it she made visible.

“Ah! Right!” Yerim let me go reluctantly and I took in a much needed breath, my face flushed, smiling weakly. Honestly the hug had helped a bit. Maybe her philosophy wasn’t so off base.

Everyone’s eyes were on me now, waiting expectantly for me to elaborate. My chest tightened all over again, that weight I’d gotten used to returning to my shoulders after it’d been lessened for just a second from all the affection. I was such a damn softie, but even I couldn’t just get rid of my negative emotions from some positivity and sweetness. At least not this time.

I sighed, fiddling with my fingers to try and ease up some of my nerves, “I’m just...” What was I? God I felt like I was so many things, none of them particularly good. But one stood out the most, “...worried.”

Yerim stepped forward again, tightly clasping my hand in a possessive, defensive way, “Why? About what? Can I beat it up for you?”

I laughed slightly at that concept, an image of Yerim trying to fight Sooyoung temporarily popping up in my head. She’d probably just hold her back by her forehead while she swung her little arms around and didn’t actually make any contact. But the effort and the sentiment was very much appreciated. I ran my thumb along the back of her hand.

“No. Well I mean, technically yeah, but no, you shouldn’t.” My smile faded just as quickly as it came to my face. I sighed lightly, not feeling quite ready to look at anyone all of a sudden.

Hyunjin sat down, tilting her head at me. Her voice was even and slow, as if making sure I’d be able to hear every single word, “What is it? What’re you worried about?”

A cautious looking Chae stepped in from the kitchen for a second time, her face still bearing that same unreadable expression that I just couldn’t put a word to. More than anything I wanted to forget about all my problems, forget about my feelings and my worries and my situation, and just sit down with her and find out what was going on, but I’d said too little to stop this interrogation and I knew that. She looked at me from across the room with a softness behind her eyes, doing her best to piece together what had been talked about while she wasn’t there.

I took a measured breath, “... I’m worried... that... Sooyoung doesn’t really like me.” I hated even saying it out loud. Sure the thought had been bouncing around the inside of my head almost constantly, but I’d never said it out _loud_. To anyone, to myself. Nothing. I’d just kept it in, and... now that it was out there, I felt different. Worse. Like it was even more plausible, even more realistic, almost like it was true now just because I’d said it. God I hated this.

Heejin sighed lightly, shaking her head back and forth. I think she blamed herself for a lot of my uncertainty, which wasn’t necessarily justified, but she was beating herself up for it whether I liked it or not.

Hyunjin didn’t seem to understand my concern, but she wasn’t shutting it down until she got a bit more information, “What do you mean? You’ve been on like three dates with her now right?”  
  


I pursed my lips, “Yeah, but...”

“But?” Yerim prodded me, clinging to my every word. Chae stepped closer, walking along the edge of the room and coming toward me.

I took another breath, needing to do it consciously now because my chest was so tight, “I’m kinda scared that... she’s just... doing it for like, physical stuff?” There was a lump in my throat that made it harder and harder to force words out.

When Chae reached my side she gently pried Yerim’s grasp from me, who withdrew without any more effort necessary, and slid an arm around my waist. In an instant I felt my whole body relaxing just from the contact. How did she do that...? I leaned into it, shutting my eyes for a second, never having said that confession aloud either. This was all hard to admit. Which was weird, I’d never really had any sort of difficulty being honest and vulnerable, so why now?

“Oh.” Hyunjin nodded, as if understanding just from that answer alone, then blinked twice - semeing to actually process it, “Wait, what? What ‘physical stuff?’ Does Yerim need to leave the room?” Her eyes flitted nervously between me and the younger girl, as if I was seconds away from blurting out something inappropriate for her to hear. Sometimes I forgot that she was almost two years younger than the rest of us, and that she seemed even younger just by how she’d act.

Without even getting an answer, Yerim blurted out, “NO I DO NOT!” Her stance changed, as if she was ready to physically fight anyone off who tried to get her to leave.

I shook my head, feeling a blush coming to my cheeks “No, it’s fine, we just... kissed a lot last time, and--”

“--Whoa!” Hyunjin gasped in intense surprise, nearly reeling back in her chair she’d casually leaned against. I guess she hadn’t at all anticipated us reaching that point yet. The more people I told about this, the more nervous I actually got, because they all reacted like we were moving really fast. Were we...? I mean, was Sooyoung? Was that a good thing...? Like, did that mean she just really liked me so she moved fast...? Or... did it mean something else...?

I laughed nervously, my whole body starting to shake. Chae’s hold on me tightened, feeling how unstable I was. She knew all this already. I’d told her, or at least some of it. The bare minimum really, since talking about it made it feel more real and I didn’t want to think it was real. I hadn’t gone into depth about my fears and uncertainties and my overthinking, so that was news to her.

“Yeah, yeah, it was... a lot, but then she kinda just made me leave after? We didn’t even talk much or anything... I-I dunno.” I was second-guessing absolutely everything now: my thought processes, the validity behind these nerves, whether or not I needed to be this worried or if it was all for nothing. God, I just wanted to be sure of myself again. You really don’t know how nice it is you be sure of yourself and what you’re doing until you just... aren’t anymore.

“Hmm...” Hyunjin’s eyes narrowed. The cogs of her mind were really turning. I could tell she wanted to give me the most genuine, most realistic and helpful advice she could, but she needed to mull it over.

I stepped closer to her, more of my thoughts timidly daring to leave me, “But like... also, I mean, don’t you only kiss people if you like them...?”

Hyunjin grimaced sightly and Heejin frowned, sighing weakly as she avoided eye contact. Chae’s fingers curled weakly against my hip, resting her head on my shoulder. Oh. I’d said something wrong. I had. Maybe it was stupid. Had I misread things...? Because I was inexperienced, and I didn’t know any better...? Maybe _I_ was stupid.

Hyunjin got to her feet, stepping a bit closer to me. Heejin stuck by the side of the room, really not seeming like she planned on looking at me any time soon, “That’s...” Hyunjin’s brow furrowed, being very careful with how she was wording whatever it is she planned on saying, “...Not always, Jiwoo. Sometimes, yeah, but... other times, if a person just wants... something else, they don’t need to have those feelings.”

My brain was going a million miles a minute, my chest so tight it honestly felt like I couldn’t breath, “What else would she want...?”

Heejin ran her palm down her face and Hyunjin audibly winced. It was... I think they pitied me. I didn’t want them to pity me. Was I being pitiable right now? Why? Because I was dumb? Was I really that dumb?

“...it’s... Jiwoo... I don’t have to tell you that. You know...” Hyunjin left me to fill in the blanks. But I honestly wasn’t sure what she meant. I’m not sure why. I think there was just too much going on in my head. I could barely think, could barely fit another thought inside my bustling mind even if I tried.

“What...?”

Hyunjin gestured discretely to Yerim, like she was the reason she couldn’t explain it any further. I didn’t get it... what was I missing?

Chae released her hold on me to instead stand in front of me with a wide, relatively forced smile, “But there can be feelings there!! We don’t know any of this for sure, ok?” She was trying. Really she was. And I appreciated it. I appreciated her. She’d taken her role of best friend very seriously throughout this whole time, knowing I was at a weird stage of my life and that I needed time and patience. She was gentle with me, but sometimes I wondered if that was what I should get. Did I need the harsh truths and well thought out advice Hyunjin was trying to give me?

Heejin finally seemed to muster enough courage to speak up, feeling the need to intervene, “Look, I don’t think you should discount this so easily. Are you worried because she’s got a... reputation?”

Yerim raised a curious eyebrow, “Reputation? What type of reputation?”

I was glad Heejin didn’t feel the need to explain it because I really didn’t feel up for rehearing about Sooyoung’s reputation. I just wasn’t in the mood. Chae knew about some of it. Not all the details, but she didn’t feel totally out of the loop here.

“No, that’s not... I mean, maybe?” God I was such an absolute mess. I didn’t know what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how I was doing, or where any of these worries were really coming from. Maybe it was from her reputation? “It’s just... why would someone like her ever bother with someone like me...?” That came from somewhere deep. Somewhere I hadn’t expected in the slightest.

Everyone spoke all at once again and I struggled to discern it.

Yerim latched onto one of my arms, “Because you’re amazing!!”

“You’re a catch.” Hyunjin stated plainly, like it was the most self-explanatory thing in the world. That sentiment somehow meant the most coming from her.

Chae clasped both of my hands tightly, our fingers intertwining seamlessly in a familiar, automatic way, “She’s the lucky one here, not the other way around.” Her voice was soft and impossibly sincere.

It made me smile. It actually made me smile. She beamed at the sight of it, only ever wanting me to be happy, and she pulled me close, wrapping me warmly in her arms. I hugged her back, shutting my eyes, and felt safe. Felt okay again, for the first time in days. No matter what happened with this whole Sooyoung thing, I knew I’d be fine. As long as I had Chae, as long as I had all of my friends, I’d be okay. They were there for me no matter what, and they were more than enough to fix me, no matter how sad I got, or how unsure of myself I was.

I took a deep breath, a real one that made the tightness in my chest actually start to fade for once, “Thanks guys, I’m probably just... overthinking things. I’m good at that.”

Chae laughed lightly, the sound impossibly refreshing to hear, “Yes, yes you absolutely are.”

Hyunjin gently placed her hand on my head, ruffling my hair slightly, “My advice? I think it’s too soon to judge. Three dates is too early to be this stressed. See where this goes, okay?”

“Okay...” I nodded, doing my very best to actually take that to heart. Chae released her grip on me, smiling broadly even still.

We all split up around the house. Heejin and Hyunjin got all lovey dovey, and I shot them an unintentional look that signalled it wasn’t the best for me to see them like that. They went to the living room instead, deciding to be considerate. Hyejoo eventually came out of the bathroom and lingered around, not really talking to anyone. Chae stayed in the kitchen and wouldn’t leave for the life of her. I helped Yerim finish putting up the banner, and she tied the peach balloon to my wrist before gently poking my cheek, then the tip of my nose. She did that sometimes. She also went around and stuck party hats on everyone’s heads - also our favorite colors respectively. I loved that she remembered that. Her smile was contagious, and so was her happiness. Pretty soon I’d forgotten all about Sooyoung for the first time in what felt like forever. And although partially it was a relief because I’d lost that familiar weight of uncertainty, it also felt a bit hollow. Like I was missing something.

Our casual puttering around and enjoying each other’s company was interrupted by the sound of Yerim’s front door being thrown open. Yerim and I jumped slightly, it’d been opened with such force it actually slammed into the wall, the noise echoing all across the first floor. Only one person ever tended to literally barge in like that: Yeojin. It only took a second of wondering before my assumption was justified, because an ear-piercing yet familiar shriek echoed through the house.

“HELLOOO!!” Yeojin called out, barging in like she owned the place. She did that no matter whose house it was, how many times she’d been there, or whether or not she should be quiet. I sort of loved it. Yerim shot out of her seat that she’d had next to me as I let her ramble on and on about nothing, gasping in excitement as she rushed to greet her new guest. I followed her with less enthusiasm, but was happy to see Yeojin.

Three girls had actually arrived. I recognized Haseul, I’d seen her a few times when I went to Yeojin’s but she never tended to stick around. The other was presumably Jinsol, the tutor - a blond I’d never seen before...? Wait, had I seen her before? She looked familiar but I couldn’t place why. She was _stunning_ , like _ridiculously_ pretty. But that wasn’t why. It was something else...

Yerim and Yeojin had their obligatory best friend hug, where they squealed and spun around and acted like one of them had just come back from war. Jinsol smiled, seeming a bit nervous, holding a small little box that must’ve been for Yerim. She got her a present? That was sweet! They must’ve been closer than I thought before.

Once Yerim was done with that initial Yeojin greeting, she hugged Haseul and Jinsol too, though these were much briefer and less intense, “Oh my gosh I’m so glad you guys came!! Oh!” Only then did Yerim notice Jinsol’s present, and she grabbed it quickly, setting it down on the table at her side before wrapping her arms around the blond again, “You’re so sweet!! You didn’t have to bring anything, didn’t I tell you that?”

Jinsol smiled, her cheeks lighting with the slightest blush, “It’s your birthday, of course I’m gonna get you something.” She shrugged slightly, seeming a bit nervous, “It’s nothing big anyways.”

Yerim completely disregarded Jinsol’s attempt at playing off her gift like it was small, instead focusing on the rest of us, who’d all come over at the commotion, “Some introductions are in order!! Wow this is so exciting, it’s like worlds colliding!” Somehow her excitement was actually rubbing off on me a bit, when objectively, this was not all that exciting.

Heejin and Chae were introduced before me, and the whole time I just stared harder at Jinsol, trying to figure out where I knew her from. Had I maybe seen her from work...? Maybe? She was a college student, and we got a whole lot of those. But I felt like I would’ve remembered her face. It was pretty hard to forget, I mean... jeez.

When it was my turn I did my best to snap out of it, smiling a bright, wide smile as Yerim showered me with compliments, “This is Jiwoo, she works at the Roost now too, she lives down the street, I’ve known her forever, and she’s a ray of sunshine and joy!”

Wait... maybe I had seen her at work? Oh... wait, was she the girl whose order Jungeun always took? Jungeun would always literally push me out of the way when this one girl came in. Now that I thought about it... yeah, I think it was her, “Oh, yeah - I’ve seen you before. At the Roost, are you there a lot?” I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to make sure.

“Yeah, nowadays!” She responded simply. I nodded, since that did add up, but felt like there was something else too. What was it...?

Yerim wrapped up the introductions with Hyejoo and Hyunjin before excitedly clasping Jinsol’s hand and announcing proudly, “And everyone, this is Jinsol!”

I guess I was one of the few who actually remembered that Jinsol was coming, because everyone else nodded as if in understanding. Like they had absolutely no clue who this girl was until Yerim said her name.

“The tutor?” Hyejoo asked, all of us looking at her when she spoke, “That’s sweet of you to come to the party, didn’t know tutors did that.”

“No no, she’s also my friend!” Yerim instantly insisted, and I believed her. They definitely seemed close. At the very least Jinsol was absolutely unfazed by all Yerim’s physical affection, so she was used to that. 

Yeojin piped up, feeling the need to reassert herself and make her presence known. I was actually surprised she’d stayed quiet for so long, “And for those who don’t know, this is my big sister Haseul.” She sneered as if just saying the name made her nauseous. A true sisterly relationship. I always thought Haseul looked like a more mature, put together, non-chaotic Yeojin. I shot her a bright smile and she waved politely at all of us.

Chae seemed to be thinking the same thing as me, “Wow, you two look so similar! Are your personalities alike too?”

Haseul scoffed at even the concept of that, “Absolutely not.” Yeojin glared at her with a pout. Haseul just ruffled her hair playfully and Yeojin squirmed away from the contact.

Heejin spoke up, “It’s nice to meet you guys, but hey Yerim - do you know if Jungeun is coming? She owes me 5000 won.”

Hyunjin approached and slid an arm around her girlfriend’s waist. Sometimes it was weird to see how affectionate she was, because she wasn’t normally the type. It was only for Heejin, I guess. Which was honestly adorable, and it made me sort of jealous, “For what?”

Heejin leaned against Hyunjin, resting her head on her shoulder, “I bet that dude from the Roost would hit on her.”

I gasped, never having heard this information before and desperately wanting more information, “No way! Mingyu hit on her?? He’s so shy!”

Heejin nodded, “Yep. I knew he would. She told me about it yesterday and she owes me that money, one way or another.”

Yerim hadn’t known either, which made me feel less out of the loop, “He’s a cutie! Did she say yes?”

Heejin shrugged, and I really hoped she genuinely didn’t know and wasn’t just withholding information to be a brat - she did that sometimes, “She didn’t mention that part. Maybe. Don’t care - she just better get me that won or I’ll hunt her down. Is she coming or not?”

Yerim pouted, “I don’t know, she said she’d text me this morning when she found out her schedule but she must’ve forgot. It’s okay though! She’s a busy bee.”

Oops. I couldn’t help but grimace slightly, “If she is working it’s sorta my fault, I called in fake sick so I could come here.”

Hyejoo let out an exaggerated gasp, turning to face me. It was weird that she was taller when she was younger than me. I literally had to look _up_ at her, “Wow Jiwoo-yah, I didn’t know you could be so rebellious. Excuse me while I call the police.” She actually did take her phone from her pocket and started to tap the screen. Although part of me knew she wouldn’t actually call anyone, another part of me was nervous deep down about lying to get out of work. She walked out of the room and I followed her closely.

“Hyejoo!! Don’t call anybody!” I whined at her, reaching to grab her phone, only for her to hold it above her head. It was out of my reach even just from that.

She smiled, something I honestly didn’t see that much, “I’m not going to.”

  
I forced myself to relax, “You should smile more. It’s pretty!”

In an instant her pale cheeks were lit with a blush. She really got flustered whenever someone tossed a compliment her way, which I also thought was sweet. Hyejoo was really precious. If I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own Sooyoung drama, I’d try and get closer with her, for a lot of different reasons. One, I wanted to be close with whoever Chae was close with. Two, she didn’t seem to have that many close relationships with people, so I’d love to help her get more comfortable with the new area - she’d only moved here in the middle of last year. She was nice, just shy. From what I’d seen, she talked with Chae and Jungeun primarily. Or, I guess not so much Chae anymore. Which I _desperately_ wanted an explanation for.

“I-I... thanks.” She mumbled under her breath, tucking some of her dark hair behind her ear.

“Of course!”

She cleared her throat, her voice going back to her usual timid, small tone that you sometimes had to struggle to hear at all, “Um... we should go back to the others.”

“Yeah, sounds good!” I linked my arms with hers without thinking - a gesture I tended to do with all of my friends. She stiffened but didn’t pull away from the contact, which also surprised me, since I’d semi-expected her to.

She separated from me once we got to the rest of the party, but that was ok. I spent some time with Heejin and Hyunjin, despite constantly feeling like a bit of a third wheel since they were so effortlessly enamored with and entertained by each other. More than anything I wanted to talk to Chae, to see if I could get anything out of her that she’d previously kept hidden, but she was busy chatting up Jinsol about who knows what.

I glanced toward Hyejoo, who’d sat herself down on a couch to idly scroll through her phone instead of interacting with anyone. I considered going over, trying to talk with her, but she sort of seemed like she wanted to be left alone. So I was nice and let her be by herself. I did sneak a glance every now and then, though, just to wordlessly check on how she was doing. And every time I did, she was looking at Chae. Like, not subtly at all. Almost staring.

This was so weird. What had happened between those two? When would Chae finally feel ready to tell me? I know I was giving her whatever time she needed, but didn’t she feel close enough with me to let me know? I’d told her every single detail about Sooyoung. We were best friends. That was what you were supposed to do - talk about your love life and ask for advice and input. But she hadn’t yet. Maybe this wasn’t even a “love life” thing? Maybe I was reading into it? I honestly didn’t know anymore.

Jinsol and Haseul were sitting at the table, talking mainly to one another unless someone else came up to them. When Heejin and Hyunjin were too caught up in one another to pay any attention to me, I was spending all my time just trying to discreetly stare at Jinsol and tell where I’d seen her from. It was definitely the Roost. She was definitely that girl who Jungeun insisted on serving whenever she was there. But... something else...?

At some point, a sugar-rush induced Yeojin chased an equally hyper Yerim up the stairs, and in a matter of seconds there was an audible commotion. It sounded like someone had knocked something over. Haseul stood from her seat with a subtle eye roll, heading up after them to likely either clean up whatever had been broken or do her best to try and calm those two bundles of pure energy down, also leaving Jinsol alone at that table.

And for some reason, something finally clicked, and I actually remembered where I kept thinking I’d seen her from.

I quickly got up from the couch I’d been sitting on and walked up to her, sliding into a chair across from her and talking to her in a hushed tone. As if what I was about to say was some sort of secret, “Hey, I remembered where I’d seen you from: you were with Sooyoung at the Roost like a month or so ago, right?” My nerves were coming back. Great.

Her voice was soft and somehow comforting, but my nervousness stuck even despite her efforts, “Yeah, she’s my roommate. Why?”

Ah! Her roommate! That was an even closer relationship than I would’ve thought, “Your roommate? Okay, then you know stuff about her, right?”

She smiled sweetly, and _wow_ what a smile that was. She was so pretty she barely even seemed like a person. What were the odds that breathtakingly stunning Sooyoung would also have a breathtakingly stunning roommate? Even though she was obscenely pretty, I wasn’t entering any sort of gay panic. Which was odd. Normally I would have. Maybe it was because I just... felt more spoken for? That was dumb. I wasn’t spoken for, not necessarily. I shook my head back and forth ever so slightly, trying to shake that train of thought from it.

“We live together, so yeah I’d say I know at least two whole things about her.”

My heart was in my throat, wondering if I should really ask what I planned on asking but finally just deciding to go for it, “Do you know what sorts of things she likes?” I felt warmth creeping up my neck and into my cheeks, “I mean, hypothetically, if you were gonna get her a present or something, what would it be?” I didn’t want her to know just how whipped I was. I didn’t want her to see through this, because I wasn’t sure if she’d relay everything to Sooyoung. But in hindsight I really don’t think I was being as subtle as I was hoping.

She leaned back smoothly in her chair, seeming like she was really thinking hard about her answer, “Hmm... I think I’d get her some kind of jewelry. Nothing too fancy, she’s not the type for that, but more than anything she’d appreciate the gesture.” She winked at me and my stomach did a little flip. I couldn’t help it, I mean, I was still incredibly gay, “Hypothetically.”

I nodded along with every word, clinging to them, memorizing them. That was helpful, and I was already making plans to look into some sort of jewelry for her, to show her that I cared - show her that I thought about her and was willing to make this more serious. I... wasn’t at all ready to say anything out loud. I wasn’t going to ask her, “hey sooyoung, do you want to be my official girlfriend?” That was just not even possible for me. So... maybe I could hint at it? By giving her a gift - like a well thought out, sentimental, real gift? At the very least that would show her that my feelings definitely went deeper than just wanting to kiss her whenever we were both free. They went way beyond that.

But... Jinsol would probably know her better than I did. She lived with her. She saw her every day. She probably knew who Sooyoung’s friends were, knew her routines, probably even hung out with her. And she was nice. She was nice and she seemed like she wanted to help and like she’d tell me the truth. I... should ask. Maybe she’d know. My lips parted, ready to blurt out the question, but I stopped. What if she _did_ tell Sooyoung I’d asked these things? What if it freaked her out, made her avoid me? I... just wasn’t sure anymore.

She noticed my hesitation and tried to reassure me, “What is it? Another hypothetical?”

God why did I feel like she was so trustworthy, though? I didn’t know a single thing about Jinsol besides she was Yerim’s history tutor, she got coffee at the Roost, and she was really really pretty. So why did I trust her so implicitly?

I didn’t know, and I still don’t know, but it was just how it was. So I decided to ask.

“Is Sooyoung using me?”

She hadn’t at all expected that question, which I feel was justified. It came pretty out of the blue and I’d been pretty blunt about it. Her eyebrows raised and her jaw dropped slightly - incredibly caught off guard. I regretted asking in an instant, but it was too late to take it back now, so I might as well see how she planned on responding.

“Um...” I could tell she was going to be careful about this. Which only made me more nervous. Was she being careful for my benefit? Was she trying to find a good way to word a really harsh truth that would hurt to hear? Was she planning on lying so she wouldn’t hurt my feelings? “What makes you think that...?”

I took a deep, much needed breath, the tightness in my chest returning in full force, “I... I dunno, it’s just...” God I was so unsure of how to explain this? What was safe to say? What wasn’t safe to say? Was she going to repeat any of this? Did I want her to? “I don’t get why someone like her would ever even give me the time of day, I guess...? And, like... she could get anyone she wants. We’ve only hung out a couple times, and I just... have a feeling she’s seeing someone else too?” Oh. I hadn’t ever said that last part aloud, or even let myself think it for too long. Because it honestly hurt. It felt like someone had just bent my heart in half. I... didn’t want her to be seeing someone else. I wanted her to only be seeing me.

She looked totally stunned. Oh no. This was too much, wasn’t it? I was saying too much? I didn’t even know this girl, why was I pouring my heart out to her? I knew I trusted easily but maybe this really was pushing it.

In a bit of a panic I tried to tone it down, tried to make it seem like I was less invested than I really was, “I-it’s not like we talked about being exclusive or anything, or even if we’re like... an item, or whatever, but... I just don’t know what her intentions are.” 

She sighed lightly, seeming almost a bit frustrated with herself, “I wish I had more answers for you, but a lot about Sooyoung is a mystery to me too.”

I couldn’t help but frown, fiddling nervously with my bangs and staring down at the floor. I believed her. I definitely believed her. Sooyoung was elusive and mysterious and withheld god knows how much from me. Why wouldn’t she also keep things from her roommate?

She’d done her best. I could tell. Even though it wasn’t necessarily helpful to me, I appreciated it nonetheless, “Yeah, I get that... it’s okay, I’m probably being paranoid.” That same weight was coming back to my shoulders, and after I’d gotten used to the comfort of not feeling it, it somehow felt even heavier.

“Hey,” Jinsol spoke up softly again, pulling me ever so slightly from the downward spiral of negative thoughts I was more than prepared to enter again, “Although I don’t necessarily know for sure what Sooyoung’s up to, I can definitely see that she isn’t the type of person to waste her time if she’s not genuinely interested. Knowing that you two have hung out more than once is a good sign...” I looked at her hard. Was she being genuine...? Or was she just trying to make me feel better because she was nice? I couldn’t tell. I didn’t know her well enough. But god, I _wanted_ her to be telling the truth.

I just nodded weakly.

“Would you want me to ask what her plans are?”

The question caught me totally off guard, and I couldn’t help but smile ever so slightly. That was what I needed. I just needed someone to ask her, someone who wasn’t me so she wouldn’t know I was asking, that I was wondering about her intentions so often, but I’d never known anyone close enough with her to do that. Now was my chance.

“Oh my god would you?” I barely caught myself, trying to restrain my excitement “I mean, you totally don’t have to! If that would be weird, like I don’t want to put you in an awkward position here, I just--”

She held up my hand, stopping my nervous rambling with a polite interruption, “You aren’t - I’d really be happy to help.”

I didn’t bother trying to hide how relieved that made me, and a huge smile spread back across my face. She really was nice. She just wanted to help. Part of me was so instantly grateful and happy I wanted to hug her, but that’d be a bit too much. I had slightly more of a sense for physical boundaries than Yerim.

“Okay! If you really want to!” For my own reassurance, I made sure to specify further even though I think it was already implied, “But just please don’t mention that you’re asking for me, that’d be sooo embarrassing!”

She made a gesture of zipping her lips shut and the remaining tension that had been lingering on my shoulders finally faded away. Wow. I really did feel so much better. I had an actual idea for getting Sooyoung a present, and I had someone trying to get desperately needed answers for me. Not to mention I still had the rock solid support of all of my friends in case anything went wrong, which I honestly didn’t even think it would anymore.

Before I had the chance to shower her with an endless flood of gratitude, our attention was drawn to a commotion coming down the stairs. We stood up and went over to investigate. I wasn’t too surprised that it was just Yeojin and Yerim half-wrestling with each other while a concerned Haseul tried to mediate.

Yerim claimed that she had an announcement to make, before explaining that Jungeun was gonna be coming late. Okay, that wasn’t too groundbreaking. Jungeun was late to a lot of things, usually because of work or because of her parents being too strict. Her parents were the _worst_. Yerim and Yeojin continued their antics downstairs and I did my best to help calm them down because things got out of hand really fast when they were like this, and Haseul could only do so much.

Eventually Yeojin tripped and accidentally fell into a table, knocking over one of the chip bowls all over the floor. I sighed heavily, having partially expected it. I reached down and started to pick them up while Yerim stifled laughter.

“Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!” Yeojin tried to step away but only wound up stepping on the chips and making more crumbs, “Ah! Sorry!”

I rolled my eyes, “Stop moving around dummy!”

“Right! Sorry!” She stood stiff, holding her breath even. God she was so extra.

At that moment, Hyejoo poked her head curiously into the room just to see what all the fuss was about. Yerim calmed down all her laughter, “Hyejoo!! Yeojin spilt all the chips, can you go in the pantry and get some more while we clean this up please??”

Hyejoo nodded, “Um, sure...” I watched as she ducked back out of sight, as if she’d never been there in the first place.

We swept up what was left and after five minutes or so, Hyejoo came back in with a new bag. I wondered what had taken so long, and decided to give up my impromptu role of trying to parent these two wild souls and instead went to find Chae. She wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. Or the living room. Or the dining room. Or the entryway. Hmm.

“Hey, where’s Chae?” I asked Heejin and Hyunjin, who were sitting on the couch wrapped in each others arms. It really seemed like they never separated, like they never even could.

Heejin looked away from her girlfriend for a second to actually grace me with a glance, “Uhh, I dunno.”

Hyunjin sighed, tugging Heejin closer, as if my interference was frustrating, “She went upstairs I think.”

That was weird, “Why?”  
  


“I dunno! Go get her and ask!” Hyunjin insisted, ironically trying to shove Heejin away now, since she’d started to playfully tickle her side.

Taking her advice, I headed up the stairs. Yerim’s stairs weren’t just one staircase, you had to make a sharp turn mid-way up. And when I made that turn, I jumped slightly in surprise at the sight of Chae sitting at the top of the steps.

“There you are, how come you--” I didn’t even finish my question, because as soon as she looked up at me, I didn’t need to ask it anymore.

Her eyes were raw and red around the rims. She looked... fragile. She was trying to hide it, trying to seem okay, but I could see. I knew her too well.

In an instant I knelt down on the step in front of her, feeling such an intense flood of concern and worry that it was eating me alive, “Hey, whoa, are you ok?”

She shrugged, putting on a fake little smile and suddenly getting to her feet. I stood too, finding it weird that she was actually trying to pretend she was alright. Did she really think I couldn’t tell? “What? Yeah.” Her voice was small. I hated it.

My brow furrowed and I stared hard at her. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. I think she knew that if she did she wouldn’t be able to lie anymore, and she didn’t want that, “... you’re not.” I told her softly. We could still hear the commotion from downstairs so I made sure to be quiet. I don’t think she wanted any of this overheard. I don’t think she wanted anyone to know, otherwise she wouldn’t have hid up here away from us.

She looked down, some of her hair falling in her face, “I’m...” I could barely hear her.

“Chae...” I reached forward and clasped her hand. She knew I was there. She knew I’d listen, “What’s wrong?” I made the question soft. So she could avoid it if she really wanted. If she _really_ didn’t want to talk about this, even still, she didn’t have to. But god did I want her to. I wanted to help. I hated seeing her like this, seeing her upset and so clearly struggling, and not even really knowing what was wrong. How could I help if I didn’t know what was wrong?

She frowned, pursing her lips, “I’m...” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, but it broke. And I heard it. Her eyes were getting glossier and she blinked fast, trying to keep her tears back, and it felt like my heart was breaking.

“Hey, hey,” I moved closer, wrapping her in my arms, and she just let herself be held. She was shaking.

“I’m... fine. Please, Jiwoo, I-I don’t want to do this here. It’s Yerim’s day.” She was so selfless, even now, when she had every right not to be. She was amongst friends, friends who wanted nothing more than to help her and support her and hype her up. That’s exactly what they’d all just done for me with my uncertainties about Sooyoung. Why couldn’t it be her turn?

I didn’t know, but I didn’t ask. I could tell from her tone and how desperate she’d sounded that she really didn’t want to. At least not now.

“Chae, I really want to help. Can you please talk to me...?” I rubbed gentle circles along her back, not liking how uneven her breathing was, “Let me help... I hate seeing you like this.”

What I said definitely affected her. I’d never outright asked like this, I’d always scooted around it and vaguely implied that I wanted to know, all because I didn’t want to push her before she was ready. And I still didn’t want to push or pry, but how much longer was I allowed to let her suffer through this alone? What kind of best friend was I if I didn’t at least let her know how much I wanted to help if she’d let me?

She sniffled slightly, “Another time... please?”

It wasn’t a no. So I’d take it, “...yeah. Ok. whatever you need.” It was up to her. Always up to her. I gave her an extra squeeze before reluctantly letting her go.

“God...” She wiped at the corner of her eye, looking past me down the stairs, as if she realized she’d have to rejoin the party, “Do I have cry face...?”

“Um...” I reached up, wiping gently beneath her eyes with my thumbs to get the very slight makeup stains away, “You’re good.” I rested my hand gently on her cheek, finally getting her to meet my eyes for once, “I love you. Okay?”

She gave me the best smile she could manage, resting her forehead against mine for a brief second, “I love you too.”

***

I went out shopping for jewelry the very next day, but I couldn’t have been more directionless.

Not only did I not wear that much jewelry myself because I tended to lose it all, I was having such a hard time trying to predict what Sooyoung would or wouldn’t like. I wandered town aimlessly after work, dipping into every shop I saw and just desperately looking for something that stood out. My mind was absolutely buzzing, running over everything she’d ever mentioned liking, wondering about what she thought was tacky, wondering what level of cheesiness I could go to without her totally shutting down. I accepted readily that she’d be way less into cheesiness than I was, but honestly all I knew was cheesiness. I was the definition of cheesy.

Feeling panicked and just totally lost, I texted Chae for advice. She’d know more about this than me.

_hey!! so i’m looking for jewelry to buy for sooyoung and i have no idea what to get, like idk what type of metal it should even be, if it should be a ring or a necklace or earrings or something, probably not a ring that’d be too weird right? yeah probably, but i just have no clue. What do you think would be safest?_

The text took a long time to send because my trembling fingers kept causing unintentional typos. She read it in an instant, as I’d expected, but it was her response that seemed a bit unusual.

_!!!chae!!!_ (*^▽^*) _: no idea_

Hmm. She’d never been so brief with me before. We usually sent really lengthy paragraphs, even if they were about literally nothing. Something was wrong. Just as I went to ask what, she was typing again, so I stopped still.

_!!!chae!!!_ (*^▽^*) _: necklace shows least commitment i think. earrings are too fancy. don’t get anything too expensive, or i guess just don’t get anything that *looks* too expensive cuz that’ll weird her out probably. just a small thing._

The length was more typical, but her punctuation was absolutely not. With the two of us it was exclamation points or nothing, especially if we were talking about Sooyoung, because she usually got really excited for me. Something was up and I wasn’t gonna let it go by unaddressed.

_can we hangout after i buy whatever i’m gonna buy? you said we could talk about what was up later..._

She read it, and I stood still waiting for a reply, but she didn’t say anything. A minute passed. Then two. Then ten. Nothing. Oh... maybe I’d struck a nerve or something? I guessed she still wasn’t ready. I sighed, deciding against pushing any further, and instead moved to check the jewelry rack one aisle over.

Everything seemed too gaudy or bland to suit her. Nothing was standing out or clicking and I was getting _so_ incredibly frustrated that part of me was considering just abandoning this idea altogether, but then I spotted it.

It was silver and delicate and pretty and classy all at once. The chain was elegant, leading down to a carefully engraved swan pendant. Swans. She liked swans. I gasped aloud when I saw it, rushing forward and gently holding it in my hand. It was sturdy, clearly high quality. It wouldn’t wear out or snap off. It was built to last, and I know it’s dumb even in hindsight, but it felt like if I gave her something that was built to last, and at the very least she’d keep it, then no matter what happened she’d always have something from me. Sort of bleak but... still. On a more hopeful note, if I bought something steadfast, maybe it’d transfer over? Maybe we’d last a long time too?

I bought it. It was worth more than a week of work for me, but I didn’t care - I only ever spent my money on ice cream and trips to the zoo anyway. Those could wait. But I needed to do something about this Sooyoung situation sooner rather than later, I was so sick of feeling sad and unlike myself. More than anything I just wanted closure. Even if the result wasn’t something I wanted to hear, I wanted closure.

I headed home with the slightest skip in my step, clutching the small jewelry box I’d been provided tightly against my chest. I put it on my nightstand and changed out of my uniform before laying down, staring at my text conversation with Sooyoung and wondering if I should say anything to her. The last time we talked was two days before - I’d wished her luck on one of her exams since her semester was ending and she’d sent me a kissy face. I wasn’t sure how to start a new conversation so I just stared and stared at that emoji, trying to remember what it felt like when she kissed me and feeling my heart rate quickening even from the thought.

My front door was opened and closed and I heard it from my room. If it was either of my parents they would’ve called out a greeting to see if I was home, but there was nothing. Just silence and some footsteps heading up the stairs. I sat up on my bed, listening closer at the way the steps were slightly uneven and purposely made light. Was it Chae? She usually made sure to shout for me whenever she came in too. This was weird.

It was only when my ajar door was cautiously pushed open that I actually did see Chae. And my heart practically shattered.

She was crying. She was crying so hard it was silent, the sobs hitting her one after another and making her body jolt in a way that I knew probably hurt her chest. Oh no. Before I had a chance to react she was already rushing toward me, and I reached out and pulled her onto my lap and hugged her as tightly as I could. She clung desperately to my baggy pajama sweater, balling up fistfuls of it and hiding her face there. I could feel her shaking and _god_ it hurt to see her like this. We’d both cried in front of each other before, of course, for reasons varying in severity, but I’d never heard her like this. She sounded so intensely devastated and broken and I _hated_ it.

“Shhh...” I spoke softly right into her ear, trying hard to make my own voice steady when I already felt my eyes burning. What can I say, I was a crier. And seeing my best friend, probably the person I cared about more than anyone be this pained, it got to me. But I swallowed it down for her sake. I’d do anything for her, “Shh, shh, it’s ok.”

She shook her head back and forth weakly, taking in a big gulp of air that it sounded like she definitely needed, “It’s so hard.” Her grip on me tightened so much it nearly hurt, but I didn’t flinch, “ _God_ it’s just so hard.”

My brow furrowed as I idly played with her hair, trying to soothe her in any way that I could, “What’s so hard?” I asked her quietly, not really expecting her to answer.

She didn’t say a word, instead just burrowing further into me. As if she wanted to disappear altogether. I tightened my grip, gently kissing the top of her head affectionately, trying to show her that no matter what was going on I’d be there. I’d always _always_ be there.

After a few long moments of silence except for her quiet weeping, she actually did say something though. I struggled to hear her muffled words since she spoke right against my chest, “Being her friend...”

I was shocked she’d even said that much, and it definitely caught my attention. Who was she referring to...? I had an idea. And I desperately wanted clarification. But I didn’t know if I should ask. Did she want to talk about this...? Is that why she’d come here, to cry about it and finally talk to me? Was this the same thing she’d been crying about at Yerim’s party, just transferred over to a different day? I should ask. She didn’t have to answer, and if she chose not to I’d understand. But maybe she actually did want to talk about this and was too scared to bring it up more directly...?  
  


I paused just one extra moment for consideration before asking quietly, “...Hyejoo?” She didn’t say a word, and I just accepted her silence despite being slightly frustrated. All I wanted was to help. I hated to see her struggling like this all on her own, but I didn’t know what to do if she didn’t tell me what was going on.

It was only then that I felt her nod.

Oh, so it _was_ about Hyejoo. I mean, I’d already assumed so, but to finally have that confirmation? I was incredibly thankful, but things still weren’t quite adding up. I’d already pried quite a bit, significantly more directly than I had in the past, but I dared to go even further.

“Why is that hard? I thought you guys were good friends...” I trailed off, hoping intensely that she’d fill in the blanks I’d deliberately left.

And she actually _did_.

“ _Just_ being her friend.”

I couldn’t restrain my initial reaction, “ _Oh_...” That revealed so much, and we both knew that. She started to tremble even harder, as if seeming to realize what she’d just confessed. She didn’t need to be so cautious. And I didn’t want her to regret telling me this. It was hard for her to talk about and I knew that. I needed to take this slow, be gentle, be considerate and not push her any further because she didn’t seem ready.

I didn’t know any specifics and I didn’t need to right then. All I needed to know was that she liked Hyejoo more than platonically, and for some reason I wasn’t sure of, they couldn’t be together that way. Maybe it was on her end? She wouldn’t let herself pursue the feelings? Or maybe it was on Hyejoo’s end for some reason? Maybe it was a mutual agreement but it was just hard for Chae still? There was a lot of different possibilities, and although I was understandably curious, I wasn’t going to ask.

I just held onto her and comforted her until her sobs dwindled down to sparse tears and sniffles, eventually pulling her down with me onto the bed and going to sleep.

The last thing I told her before her breathing finally evened out and she finally drifted off was, “I love you, and I’m here for you, and I really hope things get better soon.”

She just nuzzled her head into my neck and wrapped her arms around my middle, her response all nonverbal but showing more gratitude and appreciation than words probably ever could.

***

“So,” Jungeun asked me the next day during a lull of our shift. She idly cleaned up the counter and some of the machines, not quite looking at me as she spoke, “What’s Sooyoung been up to lately?” She sounded pretty disinterested. Like she was only asking so we’d have something to talk about besides me rambling on about the dogs I saw on the street.

I glanced at her, having previously been twirling the strings of my apron around my fingers just for fun, “Um, she was really busy with finals but now it’s winter break, so she says she’ll be more free to hangout.” The Sooyoung drought had been pretty rough for me, honestly. Especially after that last time we’d gotten together that had uh, yet to leave my mind in the slightest bit. I’d actually decided to bring her necklace with me to work - it was in my backpack in the break room in case she ever showed up. It wasn’t that I planned on giving it to her in the middle of the shop or anything, or that I even expected her to come here at all while I was working, but she never tended to be predictable.

Jungeun nodded slightly as she skillfully cleaned the parts of one of the machines - something I almost always messed up but she always did effortlessly, “Oh yeah... that’ll be fun.”

I smiled, “I hope so! Honestly I’ve missed her.”

That sentiment seemed to catch her attention more than anything else I’d said, her brow furrowing slightly in curiosity as she turned to properly face me now, “Are you two official?”

The question caught me off guard, before remembering that Jungeun hadn’t been at the party for the pep talk I’d received from everyone, so she didn’t really know the details of my uncertainty like they did. I didn’t feel like relaying all that to her, and I also didn’t necessarily think all of those concerns I’d previously been feeling were as relevant anymore. At the very least I felt like I had more of a plan: next time I hungout with Sooyoung, I’d give her the necklace and see if she took the hint about me wanting to become more committed. It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was something that made me feel more prepared and less confused about the whole situation. I felt like I was actually taking some initiative instead of letting things happen _to_ me.

“Um... no, not really. I did buy her a gift though...” I explained plainly, leaning back against the counter. It was a really slow day for some reason. Almost no customers had come in for my whole shift.

“Oh damn. That’s pretty significant.”

I shrugged, not knowing if I’d quite call it that, “I guess... I dunno, I just felt like getting her something. I think it’ll be good to show her I’m more serious about it? Maybe she’ll take the hint...” I trailed off, my mind wandering to the various possibilities and outcomes that could arise from actually giving the necklace to Sooyoung. And yeah, some of them weren’t ideal or even good in the slightest, but it was either that or never knowing.

She narrowed her eyes at me in that way she always did, making me feel slightly judged and analyzed at the same time, “Why don’t you just ask her to make things exclusive?”

I laughed at even the concept of that, “Ha! Because I’m scared, duh. You really think I’m that bold?”

She seemed disinterested again, moving to sort some things on our display shelf, “Ahh. C’mon. She’d be an idiot to say no.”

I shook my head back and forth, most of those compliments seeming to bounce straight off of me nowadays, “Everyone keeps saying that and it’s really sweet, but... I dunno, I’m just so scared she’ll reject me.” I always felt like Jungeun was easy to talk to. And I also felt like she’d never sugar coat things for me, she’d give me harsh truths like Hyunjin. I was starting to think that’s what I needed. If I was honest with her, she’d be just as honest with me right back. 

“Well... yeah I guess taking it slow is safer then.” She told me, still seeming distracted by something and not fully invested in this conversation. I didn’t mind it. She probably had her own issues and problems to deal with that I didn’t know about, I’d been really immersed in my own life lately.

A customer finally came in and Jungeun gestured vaguely at me that she’d take it. So I let her, leaning back and just watching how seamlessly she took and made the order in what seemed like no time. I just kept wondering what may be going on in her life. What she may be dealing with. There was a lingering guilt on my shoulders from the concept that I may be acting a bit selfish, focused too much on what was going on with me and not my friends.

As soon as the customer paid and left the shop, I spoke up, “So, um, how’s your love life been?”

She seemed confused, “What?”

I shrugged again, “I dunno, I feel like I haven’t asked lately. Any more boys after you? What ever happened with Mingyu?” Jungeun had quite a few little flings with guys in our grade. They never tended to last long, and she never really mentioned why besides them just being “dead ends” or “gross” or “annoying.” Which were all valid points. It didn’t mean there weren’t guys who weren’t pursuing her though.

Her eyes flitted away from me for a second, glancing all around the store, at anywhere but me, “Um... no, um, no boys...” She picked up a rag and started to scrub the counter.

I frowned, playing with my apron strings again, “Ahh. You’ll find one some day. A nice one who actually deserves you.” Jungeun really did deserve a solid, lasting relationship. I knew that she wasn’t having a great time at home, despite her very rarely talking about it to anyone, if at all. You could sort of tell if you paid enough attention. Maybe a good relationship would add some light to her life. We definitely helped, I mean, we were all extra as hell and Yerim was almost always with Jungeun, and she was just a bundle of pure sunshine. I spent as much time with her as I could too, because I really really loved Jungeun, and I was worried about her sometimes. I often wondered just how bad her parents were, but knew she wouldn’t ever talk about it if I asked. Without even needing to try, I just could tell that subject was off limits.

She sighed lightly, moving to a different part of the counter to continue her scrubbing and so I couldn’t quite get a look at her face, “What if... what if maybe... I did?” My ears pricked up and she instantly had my full attention again, “Find someone?” She spoke quietly, as if hoping I almost wouldn’t be able to hear.

I tried to restrain some of my excitement but it was pretty hard for me, “Oh!! That’s exciting!! Who, do I know him? Oh, is it Jisung? He looks at you a lot at school, I always thought he had some sort of crush and he seems pretty nice--”

She stepped closer, looking at me and finally letting me see the blush that had started to linger on her cheeks. Her hand was weakly held up - what I knew was her sign that I was rambling too much, “--shh. No, it’s not...” She trailed off, as if considering whether or not she should say something else.

I desperately wanted to guess right, but I wasn’t sure where else to base my questioning, “Not him? Oh, I’m totally off huh?” She shut her eyes for a second, sighing lightly and pursing her lips. I pried further, wanting to get on the right path, “Maybe I don’t know him? Is he older or younger?” She looked down, burying one of her hands into her hair as if this was particularly hard for her. Maybe I was being annoying, but I couldn’t help it, I was so intrigued, “Maybe he’s--”

“ _\--not a boy_.” Jungeun blurted out bluntly, only seeming to realize what she’d said after it’d left her. Her eyes got wide and she covered her mouth with her hand, like she could push the words back in or somehow make me unhear them. But oh had I _heard._

“...Ex _cuse_ me???” I nearly shouted, and although the store was empty besides a few customers on their laptops in the corner, she stepped closer and desperately gestured for me to keep it down.

“Stop, please don’t freak out, I just don't have the energy.” It was true, she’d been particularly drained ever since she came in for her shift a few hours before. There were slight bags under her eyes too, I don’t think she was sleeping very well.

I completely ignored her request, knowing that it was going to be _impossible_ for me to do anything _besides_ freak out, “You??? Like a girl??!?” I was still talking way louder than I knew I should’ve been but I genuinely couldn’t help it.

“Shhh.” She told me softly, looking around the shop as if someone was eavesdropping before speaking to me softly, “Yeah. I think so.”

I didn’t even know what to do, I was so overwhelmed with unexpected happiness and excitement and pride and oh my _god_ , “This!! Is so exciting, Jungeun!! I’m hugging you.” I started to come closer, arms outstretched.

“What? No,” She backed away as far as she could in the little area we had to stand in behind the counter, but she couldn’t get far.

“I’m hugging you,” I repeated, adamant. She more or less accepted it as I wrapped my arms around her tightly. She didn’t hug me back and that was okay, though she did rest her head slightly on my shoulder. I squeezed her for good measure, jumping up and down slightly and forcing her to bounce with me, “I!! Love you!! I love you so much and I’m so proud of you and you’re so brave and thank you for telling me!!”

“Stop being so sweet, please, I’m gonna cry.” She told me softly.

“What?” I instantly pulled back to look at her, and her eyes were glossy, “No! Don’t cry!!” I was still absolutely beaming from this news, and I reached up, gently resting my hands against her cheeks. She smiled back at me from the sincerity of the contact but it was a small, shy one.

She laughed lightly, “...Sorry. It’s just um... I haven’t told anyone.”

I gasped loudly and she flinched at my volume, but I really had no control over it, “You haven’t?? It’s just me?!! Oh my gosh Jungeun you came out to me first??? I’m hugging you again.” I reached my arms out instantly.

She held me back by my shoulder and I let her, “No, that’s okay.”

I just sighed happily, my chest impossibly light and my emotions running exceptionally high, “Thank you for trusting me, really, that means a lot.” I made my voice as genuine as I possibly could because I wanted her to believe me. I think she did, I could tell by the fondness that showed behind her eyes. I really wished I could hug her again.

“Of course. You’re my best friend.” She seemed a bit timid to say that. Jungeun sometimes got cautious with being all sentimental so that just made this infinitely sweeter.

My heart swelled up and I rested my hand against it, all of this just feeling so fluffy and nice I really felt like crying too, ““I’m!! So soft right now!”

She blushed more intensely, not quite able to match my gaze again, “Shush...”

I bounced up and down, so incredibly full of positive energy it had nowhere to go, “Oh!! God I’m so happy!!”

She rolled her eyes subtly at my antics but I knew she was happy too. Or at the very least relieved. Coming out was always an emotionally draining experience, even if the response was happy, so I knew how she was feeling. But it seemed like there was something else there. Her body was still a bit tense, like she had something that she still kept back. I didn’t want to push, but I went quiet for a few seconds to leave her some space.

Thankfully she took it, slowly speaking in a quiet tone, seeming a bit less certain about whatever it is she planned on telling me, “Um... can I tell you something else?”

I didn’t hesitate for even a second, “Of course! Anything!” I reached forward, clasping one of her hands because she wouldn’t let me hug her. She was really tense and almost pulled back, but decided against it.

“...so... maybe I...” She shut her eyes, as if bracing for the impact of my reaction, “...kissed a girl--”

She was right to brace herself because I literally _shrieked_ , “-- _WHAT?!!_ ”

She winced, “Don’t yell.”

I flapped my hands around like a demented penguin, not knowing how else to actually keep myself quiet when she was dumping _that_ on me, ““Please tell me who!!”

She sighed, probably having naturally anticipated that question but still a bit nervous to answer it, understandably. She shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring down at the floor like it was abruptly very interesting, “It’s um... it was...” She mumbled a name so quietly I literally couldn’t hear her over the low volume indie music we played for ambient sound.

I leaned closer, “What?? I can’t hear you!”

After shooting me a mildly annoyed look, she forced herself to repeat it, “Jinsol...”

If this conversation had been happening over text, my only response would’ve been a series of various keyboard smashes and or question marks, but I couldn’t quite convey that vocally. Instead, I just gasped again, tightening my grip on her hand so hard she winced from actual pain, “What??? Jinsol’s gay???” I whisper shouted at her, impressed with myself for not just screaming my question in her face.

She shrugged slightly, “I mean, I-I guess so.”

I squealed in excitement and glee, “Oh my god! Jungeun she’s so pretty, I literally can’t believe this, I’m gonna faint??” It was true, my mind was buzzing with so many different thoughts and emotions that I actually started to feel lightheaded.

She smiled but pointed at me sternly, “Don’t, you still have four hours of your shift.”

I moved to clasp the hand I still clung to with both of mine, “I’ll do my best, but!!! I’m so proud of you! You kissed her!! Did she kiss you back? When did this happen? Are you two dating now??” I didn’t even care that I was bombarding her with questions because I actually had several more, and I’d already limited them just for her sake.

Her face fell abruptly and I realized that one of my questions must’ve jarred her a bit more than I’d expected it to. My smile faded ever so slightly but not quite when she sighed to herself, finally tugging her hand from my grip with only minimal resistance from me, “Um... yeah I kissed her, and yeah she kissed me back. This was like... a week ago. No we aren’t dating, it’s...” She frowned bitterly, eyes getting distant, “She’s back home now, four hours away, so I can’t see her. It’s really rough.”

The refreshing lightness of my chest dissipated at her tone, “Oh, I’m sorry...”

She waved dismissively at me and I wasn’t sure how genuine her indifference was, “It’s ok, I’m fine, I just... miss her a lot.” That _was_ extremely real and I knew she was telling 100% the truth. I just wish the truth didn’t have to be so bittersweet. More than anything I wanted her to be happy - I wanted this coming out to be nothing but inarguably happy.

I was mildly amused by it though, because I finally felt like she understood how I felt about Sooyoung, and I couldn’t help the smug smile that made its way to my face, “Oooooo.” She finally looked back at me, confused, and i just wiggled my eyebrows knowingly at her, “You’re whipped.”

She scoffed unconvincingly, “What? No...”

I stepped closer, nodding firmly, “Yes.”

She shook her head, “No!”

“ _Yes!_ ” I stomped my foot, emphasizing my point and smiling all over again. I reached forward, clasping her by her arms and shaking her along with my words, “Embrace it! Embrace your inner panicked gay!!”

She squirmed from my grasp and I let her escape, “Stop it...” The blush on her cheeks only seemed to embarrass her more and it was adorable.

I squealed again, loving flustered nervous Jungeun more than anything in the world, “It’s so cute! Oh my god I ship it so hard!!!”

She rolled her eyes, turning away from me probably to hide how red she was getting, “You’re so extra...”

I surged closer, wrapping my arms around her middle from behind and pulling her tight against me for a quick second before she pried me from her again, “I am not!! This is the normal amount of excited that anyone would be!!”

She sighed, seeming tired, “We’re out of cinnamon, I’m gonna go get some from the back. Mind the counter please...” She headed toward the break room and I held myself to my spot, letting her go, only for her to pause right as she pushed the door open and mumble under her breath, “I love you too...”

“I’m sorry, what was that?!” I called after her as she dove into the breakroom, catching the slightest glimpse of her beet red face.

“NOTHING.” She shouted back at me.

I just sighed happily, feeling so fluffy and light and wanting nothing more than to hug Jungeun so tight she couldn’t even breathe anymore. God I just really really loved all my friends!! And they never gave me even the slightest chance to forget that, not even for a second. I loved each and every one of them so so much!! And I was so lucky to have them in my life and that such amazing people cared about me. My chest was light and my heart felt full and I couldn’t stop smiling like a big dope for what must’ve been twenty straight minutes. One of my customers even asked me what I was so happy about and I didn’t necessarily want to tell them that one of my closest friends crossed over to the lesbian side, instead just saying I was having quite a nice day.

Eventually, the bell above the door jingled and I glanced up to smile at whatever customer had come in, as I always did, only to totally freeze.

It was Sooyoung. She was here. If anything, my grin only got even wider and I was just too happy to try and keep my reaction back, so she got the full thing. She got the full, unfiltered view of my ear-to-ear grin and my pure, unfiltered excitement from seeing her again. I hadn’t actually seen her gorgeous face and her entrancing smile for more than a week and god had I been suffering from some serious Sooyoung withdrawals. At least I could admit I was whipped.

She smoothly strutted up to the counter, wearing those same short heels that she had on the first time I ever saw her. By nothing short of a literal miracle, I wasn’t blushing yet, though I did make the mistake of letting myself stare at her outfit. It was a dress - a short one that was um... well fitting. The way it hugged her curves was just... wow I really was a lesbian.

Jungeun had come out from the break room by that point and noticed Sooyoung just as I did, politely busying herself with tidying and sorting to give us a semblance of privacy. I knew she’d eavesdrop though. I couldn’t blame her, since now I planned on doing the exact same thing if Jinsol ever came into the shop.

“Hi cutie,” She spoke to me in a low voice, trying to be a bit quiet. She leaned slightly over the counter, closer, her dark eyes looking me up and down. My heart skipped a beat and in an instant I was thrown full force back into my Sooyoung induced stupor.

My hands started to tremble right along with my words, “Cuti--? U-um, hi!” I waved at her timidly, my mind unintentionally flashing back to when she’d kissed me in her room and made my heart literally stop. I really really couldn’t get that out of my mind. She was wearing that same maroon lipstick and oh my goodness gracious she really shouldn’t wear anything besides that, _ever_.

She looked around the shop at all of our customers, or lack thereof I guess, and turned back to me with a perfectly arched eyebrow, “Working hard?”

I smiled, flinching slightly when Jungeun gently placed a receipt into my hand that I knew I was supposed to put into the cash register. It took me a few extra seconds to process it though, I had to blink hard and snap myself out of my Sooyoung focused-state which is much harder than you may think, “Yep!”

She smirked, “I like your lipgloss.”

I smiled shyly, feeling chills shooting up and down my spine from the _tone_ she had to her voice. It reminded me of the same one she’d had back in her room that day, and I was _so_ not ready to hear that again, especially when I was at _work_ in the middle of my shift, “T-thank you...” I stammered out, my hands fumbling twice before successfully opening up the cash register.

She didn’t miss a beat, tilting her head at me curiously, “What flavor is it?”

I swallowed hard, really wishing my hands would stop shaking so violently. My mind was buzzing all over again. I hadn’t thought she’d come in today. Should I give her the necklace...? Now didn’t really seem like the time, but maybe it was? Maybe it’d be better to casually slip it to her like it was no big deal, to just be like “oh hey I got this cuz it reminded me of you” or something? Or would that seem really forced? Like I was trying too hard to be nonchalant? I didn’t know, and I really couldn’t think straight when she was staring at me the way she was.

I cleared my throat slightly, “U-u-um, i-it’s my favorite! Strawberry...” I trailed off when I let myself match her gaze because... just, um, her eyes were... dark? I don’t know how to describe it, but she somehow managed to make my knees literally weak just by looking at me. It felt like I was going to fall over. Oh my _god_ why was she looking at me like that...?  
  


She briefly ran her tongue across her lips and I felt heat just _flooding_ into my cheeks, “I wouldn’t mind tasting it.”

Jungeun sputtered over my shoulder, definitely having heard that from her eavesdropping and not at _all_ having expected that comment, and hell, neither did I. My grip on a few coins from the register faltered and they fell to the counter. I clumsily scooped them back into my hands, starting to giggle uncontrollably, probably being redder than her lipstick by that point, “Sooyoung-ahh, I’m at work...” I told her in the steadiest voice I could possibly muster. It was nearly inaudible.

Sooyoung pouted and my heart leapt into my throat, “Hmm...” Her piercing gaze flitted to the clock over my shoulder, “I want to see you.”

I clasped my hands together desperately, willing them to steady even just a bit, “See me?” I sounded just as flustered as I felt, which wasn’t ideal but I had no control over it.

“A date.” I flinched visibly from the word, never ever getting used to it, and it just made her smirk mischievously at me, “Tonight. I’ll come get you from work, I have a few errands to run in town anyway.” She leaned even closer across the counter, her eyes somehow getting even darker and pulling me straight into them, “We can go to my house.”

I took a trembling breath, “Your um, house?” My heart was beating so impossibly fast.

She nodded firmly, “Yeah. My mom won’t be there tonight, she’s on a business trip.”

I wrung my hands nervously, keeping them hidden behind the counter as if she didn’t already know how much of a mess she could make me from even the slightest look, gesture, or change of tone, “U-um... okay, that sounds nice.” A cautious smile made its way to my face again, wanting to seem composed, seem normal.

Her only response was a coy, knowing chuckle, “Yeah, it’ll be... nice.”

The bell above the door jingled again and it was just enough to draw my intense focus away from Sooyoung’s entrancing stare to glance at whoever had come in. It was a group of four or so college kids. Jungeun sighed and stepped up to the counter, “Get a room you two, we’ve got customers.”

I thought Sooyoung would leave. I thought she’d just respectively leave, and come back to get me like she’d said, maybe shoot me a wink or some other jarring comment, but of _course_ Sooyoung had to just blow my expectations out of the water.

Instead, I felt a tight, sudden grip on the front of my apron and I was being pulled closer, across the counter, until my face was inches from hers. My next inhale got caught in my throat at those _eyes_ so _close_ to me, and I could feel her breath on my lips and I genuinely thought I was going to pass out.

“Tonight?” She asked me softly, just barely quiet enough for the others not to overhear.

I nodded weakly, “T-tonight...”

She released her tight grip, and she did wind up shooting me that wink, before turning smoothly on her heel and leaving the shop. She didn’t even buy anything. Had she really just come in here to see me...? To ask me that? God I just couldn’t slow how hard and fast my heart was beating, I couldn’t even think.

Jungeun pulled me close to whisper gently, “Bitch, what the _hell_ was that??”

I just shrugged, still totally shell shocked, and I struggled to help the next customers, all the while my heart still in my throat. I had _no_ idea what had just happened. What Sooyoung had planned, what she’d been referencing, why she felt it was necessary to mention that her mom wasn’t gonna be home...?

All I knew was that I couldn’t _wait_ for my shift to end.

***

Jungeun sensed how antsy I was and generously let me change out of my uniform five minutes before my shift actually ended. I slipped my backpack onto my shoulders, cautiously pulling the necklace box out from its pouch and holding it in my hands. Was I really gonna give this to her...? Why was I suddenly second guessing myself so hard? Why was there such a huge part of me that just wanted to go to the jewelry shop and try and return this, forgetting about the idea entirely? The optimistic part of me tried its hardest to stay adamant, to insist that I’d gotten too far down this path to change my mind, and it was probably right.

I just sighed, tucking it away into the pocket of my jacket and heading back to the shop. Jungeun looked at me once I’d come back, “You look cute,” She raised an eyebrow, “Was this planned or did you just happen to pick a really good outfit for today?”

I shrugged earnestly, “Just luck I guess!” My eyes flitted to the street and my heart swelled at the sight of Sooyoung waiting patiently by the door, scrolling idly through her phone. She was so effortlessly breathtaking, even when she just stood there doing nothing.

Jungeun chuckled at me, “She’s only been there for a few minutes, don’t worry...” I barely even registered what she’d said, too busy taking this opportunity to stare at Sooyoung as blatantly as I wanted because she wouldn’t notice. I could look at her forever and I’d be _incredibly_ content, “You might want to pick your jaw up off the floor before you go see her.”

I blinked, glancing at her, “What? Oh, um,” I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath in preparation, though deep down I knew I wasn’t ever going to be prepared for any sort of interaction with Sooyoung. I never had been, “Great... yeah, thanks Jungeun, I love you very very much and I’m still really proud of you and I really want to talk more about the whole gay thing, but I’ve gotta go!” I rushed out the door, just barely catching the wave that she gave me or her flustered little smile before I actually stepped outside.

It was pretty cold out and I couldn’t help but shudder from the chilling air, but felt a wave of comforting heat wash straight over me as soon as I saw Sooyoung tuck her phone away and look straight at me with that damn _smile_.

“Hi!” I greeted her, so consistently overwhelmed by how _beautiful_ she was. I tried not to stare. Really I did. Thankfully she had a coat on over that dress she’d been wearing earlier, so I couldn’t really see her curves, which was honestly much better for the sake of my composure.

“Hello there,” She stepped closer and I forced myself to stay put, trying desperately to keep my breaths steady when she warmly wrapped me in her arms. Ohh my god, this hug was so sweet and warm and endearing and my heart swelled up to three times its size I _swear._ I returned the embrace, feeling my eyes flutter closed, just taking her in. She smelled so nice and her hair was so soft and her grip on me tightened slightly when I actually hugged her back and I’d never felt so much for a person in my life. Wow this was more intense than I thought it was, huh...?  
  


She let me go first, and it really did have to be her, since I absolutely doubted my ability to let her go. For a second or two she looked around the street, still clasping both of my hands, “Lets run these errands quick, ok?” Our fingers intertwined together seamlessly and I let myself be led down the street, just feeling so indescribably content to hold her hand like this.

It felt like she was mine, like she wasn’t ashamed to be publicly affectionate with me, and it was so sweet I didn’t know what to do. I just dared to brush my thumb softly against the back of her hand, all the words I wanted to say getting caught in my throat. With the hand she wasn’t holding, I turned the necklace box over and over in my pocket. Should I give it to her now...? Or should I wait? But what would I be waiting for...?

“Um, what errands do you have to run...?” I asked her with a smile. She started to ever so slightly swing our interwoven hands as we walked, seeming weirdly carefree and happy. I loved it. It started to rub off on me, making my usual Sooyoung-induced nerves start to dissipate into thin air. I could deal with happy Sooyoung, just not flirty Sooyoung.

“Nothing big, my mom just wanted me to grab something since I was gonna be in town,” She looked at me fondly, my heart beating twice the speed already, “I’ve been meaning to swing by and see you, sorry about that. I really was busy.”

I believed her. That wasn’t ever a fear of mine, but I definitely appreciated the reassurance regardless. Maybe she suspected that her periods of brief ghosting actually sort of had me paranoid and self conscious? She wasn’t totally wrong, and she was really intuitive about social things, so I wasn’t surprised that she inferred it. And just the fact that she was worried was so endearing all on its own. She didn’t say it directly, but I could tell what she meant.

I squeezed her hand gently, “It’s no problem! Really, it’s fine, I’m just glad to see you...” I took a deep breath before daring to say what I really wanted, “You look gorgeous, by the way...”

She chuckled under her breath and stopped walking abruptly, pulling me to a halt with her from the grip she still had on me. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, wondering why we’d stopped, and getting my answer when she closed the small space between us and kissed me.

I couldn’t help the small whimper that left me, startled by the contact, the butterflies in my chest going haywire at the way I could still feel her smiling against my lips. We were in the middle of the street, did she just not care? She was so brave, and that somehow drew me to her even more than I already was.

After a lingering second or two, she drew away, whispering softly once we’d separated, “Sorry. Just had to do that,” I let my eyes flutter back open and I stared deeply at her, absolutely breathless, “You, miss Jiwoo, are _very_ kissable.”

I giggled nervously, leaning closer and hiding my blushing face in her shoulder. She laughed along with me, shaking her head back and forth slightly, “I-I’m... sorry, I-I just um, c-can’t really talk for a little bit after you do that...”

“Do what?” She asked cheekily, reaching down and cupping my jaw with her impossibly soft hands. She pulled me back up to be eye level with her, “This?” She pulled me closer all over again, lips finding mine a second time, and I practically collapsed against her, my legs feeling like total jelly. This one was firmer and I couldn’t cope with it in even the slightest.

She pulled away again and it was even harder for me to try and process anything at all, totally starstruck, “How’re you holding up?” God, she was such a brat. She was fully, absolutely 100% aware of what she did to me, and she got some sort of kick out of it. Maybe she just thought I was cute when I was so flustered? Or something?

I scoffed at her, shaking my head back and forth while I took a deep breath I desperately needed, “Y-You probably shouldn’t do that again,” I muttered softly to her, my face red as I looked around the street. There weren’t many people out and about because of the particularly frigid weather, but there were absolutely some passersby who were giving us a few looks. She didn’t care, so I shouldn’t either, and I didn’t really, I’d just never been kissed in public like this where everyone could see.

“Hmm...” She leaned closer, whispering her next words right into my ear, “Are you asking me or telling me?”

I shuddered, “Stop it... actually, um,” My body tensed, reaching toward my pocket and tightly clasping the necklace box. I should give it to her. This was cute. This little moment we were having was awfully cute, so it would make sense to give her my present... right? I mean, when else would I do it? This felt like the right time. It just did. So I wasn’t gonna question it, I wasn’t gonna overthink it anymore. I was just gonna do it. Pursing my lips slightly, I sighed, “I-I got you something...” My voice was so small I was surprised she even heard me.

Her brow furrowed for a second, her usual smirk still on her face and her hands loosely wrapped around my waist still, “Oh? And what might that be?”

I cleared my throat slightly, “I-it’s nothing really, I-I just saw it when I was walking home from work and it made me think of you so I thought, just, why not buy it? That’d be nice, so, I mean, I got it and I have it, here, and I-I’m just gonna stop talking and give it to you now,” I tugged the small box from my pocket finally, gripping it with white knuckles and holding it out awkwardly in the small dead space still between us. I was literally holding my breath.

  
Her eyes narrowed at me for a second, still seeming playful and light. Her grip on me shifted and she reached to take the box from me, opening it up. As soon as she actually saw what it was, her face changed, and my chest tightened. Uh-oh.

She blinked twice, looking confused, like she wasn’t even sure what I’d given her. She reached inside, picking up the chain with two of her slender fingers and lifting it up slightly. She didn’t take it out all the way, instead setting it back down and gently brushing her fingers against the engravings on the pendant. I couldn’t read the expression on her face, partially because I’d never seen it before and partially because I was bordering on having a panic attack. She was leaving me in such dreadful, almost unbearable suspense. Was this a huge mistake? Should I be regretting it? Did she like it? Did she hate it? Was she super weirded out? Or flattered? I couldn’t tell and I was _so_ scared.

“...Oh!” She finally exclaimed, in a tone I also couldn’t read in the slightest, “...you didn’t have to...?” She blinked hard, her lips parted but no more words leaving her. She seemed... stunned? Almost? I mean, I’d expected her to be surprised but this was a bit more than I’d anticipated, “This is... sweet!” She took a few seconds to even decide on that word, “This is so sweet, I’m, um, do you want me to pay you back...?” She was confused. Like, genuinely confused.

“What?” I raised an eyebrow at her, “No, no it’s a gift, dummy!” My fear showed through ever so slightly in my voice, but she seemed way too jarred from actually being given a gift to notice that.

“Right, yeah, of course,” She nodded, but instead of taking the necklace out, or putting it on, or anything even remotely along those lines, she put the lid back down and tucked the box into her own jacket pocket, her face more or less returning to her expression I was more used to - nonchalant and charming and unaffected, “Thank you. This is nice.” She leaned closer, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

I waited for a few lingering moments, wondering if that was really all she was going to say, and it seemed like it was. Oh. There was something off about the air, something stilted. Oh no, I’d done this. That was officially a mistake. I’d moved too fast. She didn’t want it, she was weirded out, right? I mean, she said it was nice and sweet and she liked it. So... she did, right? Presumably? Or was she just being polite...? I didn’t know. I didn’t know and more than _anything_ I wanted to know.

Without a single other word, she pulled me into a store at our side by my hand and started to putter around. My chest was constricted all over again and I was just so full of regret. It had been a bad idea. Well intentioned, but a bad idea. Now she probably had a suspicion that I cared about her like, a lot, and whether or not she felt the same way even a little bit was totally up in the air still. My heart was beating fast still, but not for a good reason this time. Not because of a mind-numbing Sooyoung kiss, but because of weird Sooyoung vagueness.

She wasn’t talking. Not even like, casual small talk like she was so good at. She was weirdly quiet and she wasn’t even looking at me anymore. I hated this. I needed to fix it. Maybe I could make things normal, maybe I could just pretend that I’d never given her that necklace and maybe she’d jump at the chance to pretend with me.

My eyes flitted around the store we were in, wondering what on earth I could talk about and deciding to pull out something situational, “U-um, so you live in the area right...?”

Her gaze flitted to me for the briefest of moments before she went back to sorting through racks of dresses, “Yep. Sort of on the outskirts of the city.”

“Oh, cool...” I nodded, grimacing internally at how awkward that small interaction went. I missed the banter we used to have. Things just felt tense and I knew it was my fault, “Um... what’re you looking for? I-I mean, what did your mom want you to get?” We were at a clothing store and I wasn’t entirely sure why. I’d assumed it was some sort of supply for the house that they needed, not any sort of piece of clothing.

“Huh? Oh,” She seemed to be snapped out of her search slightly, turning to face me but still not looking at me quite yet. She moved to another part of the store, not grabbing my hand this time, though I of course stuck to her heels, “She didn’t need a dress or anything, I’m just looking around to see if this place might have stuff for Parent’s Day.” She idly sorted through a bunch of earrings, clarifying before I could ask the question she knew I must’ve had, “And yeah I know it’s super early, but I sort of like to go all out for my mom. I plan ahead.”

That was so incredibly sweet my heart was melting all over again, “Oh! That’s so nice! I-I try to do that too, but I never know what to get for my dad. He’s really hard to shop for...” I trailed off, hoping desperately that she’d pick up the conversation where I’d left it instead of letting another tense silence set in.

She did, thankfully, but her voice was distant now. Like she wasn’t nearly as invested in this discussion as she had been earlier on the street, “Get him a tie. I always used to get my dad ties.”

I tilted my head at her, curious and wondering if there was a story behind that statement, “Used to? What do you get him now?”

Her motions stopped abruptly, her hand freezing when she’d previously been about to take a pair of earrings off the rack to check the price, and she looked down for a second. Some of her hair fell in her face, blocking it from my view. My brow furrowed a bit, getting more confused with every passing second of silence.

“Nothing.” She shrugged, setting the earrings down and slowly walking to another shelf across the aisle, “He died.”

Oh.

_Oh_.

Wait, _what?_ I stopped still, mid-step, wondering if I’d heard that right. He died? Sooyoung’s dad was...? He _died_? My stomach dropped to my shoes. Oh no. Oh no no no, did I really just make Sooyoung unintentionally relive... whatever had happened with that? Literally _how_ did I manage to do that? Was it even possible to make this any worse??

  
“Oh, my god, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t--” I started to apologize, ready to just delete myself from the world at that moment I was so embarrassed and regretful and just... ugh.

She turned to face me, actually looking into my eyes for the first time since I’d given her the necklace, “Don’t. It happened a while ago.” She... really did seem indifferent. Maybe it had happened a super long time ago...? Like, years? Even then, though, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t affect her. I was so confused. Maybe she just didn’t want to talk about it? That was probably it. It probably hurt still, but I bet she’d never admit that. She just wasn’t the type.

My mind flashed back instantly to any time I’d heard Sooyoung mention her dad, and it had actually been pretty often now that I thought about it. My heart wrenched unexpectedly when I remembered how she’d said all of her favorite memories were “any that involved him.” _Ow_. My chest just... hurt now. They were probably her favorite because he wasn’t around anymore. _Owww._ I looked at her in a new light, staring all over again for a _drastically_ different reason than before. All I wanted was to keep her safe and hug her as tightly as I could, but she really did seem unaffected. She was either an exceptional actress, or she’d just gotten good at keeping this one thing under wraps. She acted like it hadn’t so much as fazed her, but that couldn’t be true, right...? There was no way, no way she didn’t care in the same way that she was pretending. She was just saving face. And I wished she didn’t have to do that with me. I wished she could be honest, but this must’ve been a sensitive topic right? I should leave it be. I should absolutely leave it be, I’d already unintentionally overstepped way too many boundaries in less than twenty minutes.

She sighed lightly, clasping my hand again and leading me toward the exit, “Come on, lets just grab the things I need and head back to my place okay?” She muttered softly, her voice still tinged with that distant wistfulness that I definitely didn’t like hearing. And I also didn’t like that it was totally my fault she was feeling that.

“Okay! Yeah, um, sounds good...” I still felt like I should be apologizing. It was hard not to, but I could tell she didn’t want that. She just wanted to ignore that was even brought up in the first place, otherwise she wouldn’t have been so indifferent. I just silently traced my thumb along her hand again, repeatedly, deliberately, and she squeezed my fingers ever so slightly.

After she quickly bought some tissues and soap from a store a few doors down, she started to lead me back to her car.

The tension still lingered, and I was searching desperately for something to alleviate it on this short walk over, but I had no idea what could do that. It definitely wasn’t me, since I was clearly only managing to make it worse as time went on. But suddenly I was pulled straight out of my stupor of regret and wallowing in tension at the sight of a _DOG._

“Oh!” I exclaimed, immediately pulling myself from Sooyoung’s comforting grip to flock toward the startled owner, “Hello!! Can I _please_ pet your dog??”

The man just nodded, rolling his eyes discreetly but I couldn’t have cared less, instead instantly kneeling down to pet the _dog_! It was a shiba inu!! And he was so precious I almost felt like crying, instantly forgetting all the tension and weirdness I’d caused by being stupid.

Sooyoung laughed lightly, clearly finding this amusing, “Sorry about her. She uh, likes dogs apparently.” She explained gently, a fondness coming back to her tone instead of the distant, unfamiliar one she’d had. The tightness in my chest faded slightly as I ruffled behind the dog’s ears. It was smiling at me!! I loved when dogs did their dopey smiles!!

“I’ve gotta get going.” The owner said curtly, tugging on his pup’s leash and heading off down the street.

“Okay!! Thank you!” I waved at him despite his back being turned, feeling immediately rejuvenated and refreshed.

I felt an arm wrap around my waist and I jumped slightly in surprise, only to have Sooyoung hug me sweetly from behind, “You like dogs huh?” She chuckled warmly, the sound making my heart flutter, “I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

I rested my hands atop hers, leaning back into the gesture, so silently grateful that that awful tension was gone and there weren’t even the slightest traces of it left. Dogs cured everything, I swear, “I love all animals! As soon as I have my own place I’m gonna adopt three dogs and four cats and they’re all gonna be best friends and I’ll be their mother.”

She laughed again, a sound I loved to hear, but then made me practically melt into nothing when she placed a gentle kiss on the side of my neck, “You’re so precious.”

I giggled, spinning in her grasp and letting myself stare at her eyes, “Sooyoung, um...” I spoke up cautiously, “What’re we gonna do at your house?”

She chuckled smugly, “I dunno. Something fun. Maybe a repeat of our last date.” She told me in one of those same low tones. My heart skipped into my throat and a blush settled in on my cheeks.

I laughed nervously, flustered as all hell, “Ha! Um! That’d be, uh, I mean, I guess that’d be fun! Yeah...” She raised an eyebrow at me.

“You’re a good kisser.” She told me under her breath, edging closer.

“U-um, good to know!” I took a step back, out of her grasp, getting way too overwhelmed from being that close, “I... wouldn’t mind a repeat...”

She smiled devilishly at me, “Oh? Well then, I’d say we better head back to my place then.” She whispered.

“Yeah, um, yeah. Ok.” I nodded over and over, wondering if she could tell that I was eager and if I should be trying more actively to hide it, but it was a bit too late for that.

By sheer happenstance we were standing right next to her car this whole time, and she quickly walked towards it as she unlocked the doors, actually holding the passenger’s side one open for me. I giggled again, “Wow, chivalry isn’t dead.”

She rolled her eyes at me, though still playing along, “Of course not. I single handedly revived it.”

I felt my hands starting to shake nervously as she came around to her side of the car, hopping in, starting the engine and pulling onto the road all in a matter of seconds. Maybe she was eager too. The concept of Sooyoung actually being excited for this only made me even more nervous. I may’ve been overestimating myself... would I really be able to stay composed if we got into all that for a second time? I’d barely kept it together. And there wasn’t a time limit this time, at least to my knowledge. But... I didn’t just want to kiss her. I wanted to spend time with her, talk with her, make as many memories with her as I could. I wanted her to care about me just like I cared about her, and it was starting to seem like she did... right?

Or was I getting my hopes up? My mind flashed back to how strangely she’d accepted the gift. And how she hadn’t put it on yet. Had I expected her to...? If someone I was involved with gave me a necklace, would I put it on immediately? I mean, _I_ would’ve. But maybe that was just me?  
  


Her fingers drummed against the wheel in a rhythmic pattern that somehow managed to calm me down, “Still wearing that strawberry lip gloss huh?”

I cleared my throat, clasping my hands together tightly in my lap, “U-um... yes... didn’t you taste it...?” I asked weakly, incredibly uncertain of every single one of my words.

She chuckled coyly, “I didn’t get much of a chance. Don’t worry, I will.” My heart skipped a beat and my hands trembled even harder.

Eventually the urban setting of the city started to thin out into nicer, more residential houses. I’d seen this neighborhood a few times but didn’t know anyone who lived there, “This is a nice area...” I muttered more to myself than to her.

“Yeah, I guess it is. Gets pretty boring though, everyone knows everyone else’s business...” She sneered slightly. There was a story to that, but I had a feeling she didn’t necessarily want to tell it.

“Yeah, that’ll happen.” I muttered, “Where I live my mom knows all about our neighbors too. All they do is gossip with each other.”

She nodded, pulling down a long driveway I presumed was hers, “I’ve had my fair share of gossipping. It gets sort of tired, yaknow?” There was a spite behind her words. I made a note to not gossip around her, not that I really did much anyway.

But that wasn’t what my focus was. Sooyoung turned off her engine and sighed slightly. We were there. This was a nice house. Pretty big, too. The only car in the driveway was hers, so her mom really was out of town. Why was I relieved...?

She looked at me with those _eyes_ again and they were dark like they’d been back at the Roost. She gestured for me to get out, and I did, my heart practically beating out of my chest. She was already heading up a dimly lit stone walkway, tugging a house key from her pocket. I followed closely behind, though insisting on keeping a bit of a distance because I really didn’t trust myself getting too close. And that was kinda scary, I’d never felt like this before.

After jiggling the lock a bit, the door was open, and she held it that way for me to enter just like she had with the car. I just smiled at her smugly and she came in after me, shutting the door and locking it behind us. Ok. We were here, and we were alone.

“Wow, this is really nice...” I muttered. It was a pretty modern designed place, unlike Chae and I’s house, almost like it was built in the last twenty or so years. The decor was super well put together and I always noticed stuff like that.

She nodded, having taken off her jacket and tossed it on a wall hook. Before I could reach to do the same, she did so for me, gently tugging it off my shoulders, “Mom’s an interior designer. So yeah, this house is kind of her second child.”

“Oh, that’s so cool! I’d love to see the rest of it...” I trailed off, wondering if I could ask for a tour any more bluntly. I thought it’d be a good excuse for us to talk. Maybe a good excuse to go to her room...

She raised an eyebrow at me, “I’ll give you a recap on the interesting parts: loft upstairs. My room’s got a wall full of windows. Down that hall there’s a sun porch, and...” She made a beeline straight forward, heading toward a glass sliding double door and beckoning me to follow her with her hand, “Out here, we’ve got the patio.”

I stuck to her heels, shivering at the harsh breeze that blew into the house when she opened that door, “Oh! Sooyoung, it’s cold!”

She nodded knowingly, flicking a light switch that turned on a bunch of electric lanterns on the patio’s railings and revealing a cozy little spot: complete with various patio furniture and a hot tub. I couldn’t help but have my eyes widen a bit in surprise. Sooyoung’s parents were loaded! Or, I mean, I guess her mom was... ugh. I’d already somehow forgotten the bomb she’d dropped on me earlier. I wondered if her dad had been alive when they’d lived in this house, then I kicked myself for thinking about that. As if I’d ever ask that question. As if I even deserved to know, that was _so_ invasive.

She nodded, stepping out onto the patio and confusingly slipping off her heels, “I know it’s cold. That’s why it’s called a _hot_ tub.”

I felt the blush return instantly to my cheeks and I laughed nervously, “I-I don’t have a bathing suit...” Oh god. Why was she _looking_ at me like that?

Her eyes were dark and pulled me in and made my heart feel like it was about to stop, “Neither do I.” Wait. What was she doing-- _oh._

The next second she’d slid her shoulders out of her dress and was shimmying it down, past her hips, and to the ground. She stepped out of it, staring at me all the while with those damn _eyes_. My jaw dropped. The blush on my cheeks deepened and I felt the heat of it spread to my neck and my ears. Oh my god. Instinctively I turned away, giggling like a literal schoolgirl and covering my eyes with one of my still shaking hands.

I vaguely heard her scoff, and then the sound of shifting water as she turned on the jets of the tub. It bubbled and started to heat up, and I heard her stepping inside, “You can look you know. I wouldn’t have taken it off if I didn’t want you to look.” She had underwear and a bra on, obviously, but just... I hadn’t expected _that_. Her skin was... it was like porcelain. So smooth and white and flawless looking. And the way that dress had hugged her curves was _nothing_ compared to just... yaknow, the curves themselves.

Finally, after what must’ve been nearly an entire minute, I dared to lower my hands. She was sitting on the far end of the tub, putting her hair up in a loose bun. She held a hair tie between her teeth and it made me feel like I was about to faint. I was a bare minimum lesbian, so _this_ was all a bit much for me to cope with. The water bubbled up around her, looking inviting and warm. My skin was getting goosebumps from the chill to the air, while she looked perfectly comfortable.

She looked at me _hard_ , “Are you gonna join me? Don’t leave me all alone in here, come on...” She gestured at me again to get closer, to come with her, curling her finger at me.

I stood stiff as a statue, shaking my head timidly back and forth. She pouted. Oh _god_ her pout was not _fair._

“Aww. Please? I miss you already.” She tilted her head and wow I really had no resistance to her did I? I glanced down at my outfit, my heart in my throat. She reached up to her eyes, covering them with both of her hands, “I won’t look. Promise.”

I wasn’t sure how much I trusted that, but... I wanted to get in that tub with her. I _really_ couldn’t believe I was doing this, but there I was, on Sooyoung’s patio, pulling my sweater over my head and stepping out of my jeans, silently grateful that I’d worn nice underwear that day from sheer coincidence. I kept my eyes on her the whole time, wondering if she’d actually keep her word, and wasn’t totally surprised when at the last second, she slightly opened her fingers and stole a peek.

“Hey!” I snapped at her and she chuckled mischievously, closing her fingers again, “You promised!”

“Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.” She told me still giggling to herself at her antics, “You look nice. Again, not surprised.”

I nearly sputtered, terrified, as I climbed into the tub, sitting across from her, “Oh my god please stop that,” My voice was unsteady.

She slowly drew her hands away from her eyes once she felt the water shift, looking at me all over again, “I’d rather not stop. I like it when you get all flustered.”

I laughed lightly, nervously, my whole body shaking now but it wasn’t from the cold anymore. It was from the sheer _effort_ it took to keep our eyes locked and not let my gaze... drift, “I-I... get flustered pretty easy, s-so I-I mean that’s, um, good for you huh?”

Her brow furrowed for a moment and the fire behind her eyes dwindled down, “Hey...” Her head tilted again, curious, prying, “How come you’re always so nervous? You don’t have to be nervous around me.”

I just laughed, not quite knowing what else to do, “Um, nervous...? Me, nervous, I’m, just... not...” Denying it was absolutely pointless. Maybe I should try being honest for once. Like really, really honest, “It’s because of your... your flirting and the... _looks_ you give me, and just...” I let my gaze match hers and that combined with the comforting heat of the water was really making me feel like I was about to melt down into nothing, “... god, Sooyoung, you make my heart go _crazy_.” I muttered that so quietly I almost didn’t even realize I’d said it until it left me.

Her eyes narrowed and she edged slightly closer to me in the tub. Instinctively I tried to edge backward, but there was nowhere for me to go and she was fully aware of that, “Have you ever been with anyone before?”

The answer to that was more embarrassing than she probably suspected, but I wasn’t gonna lie. There was no point to that, and I’d just told myself I was gonna be honest, “Nope...”

Sooyoung only seemed moderately surprised, but she did flinch when a concept suddenly came to mind that she presumably hadn’t thought of before, “Oh, shit, was I your first kiss??”

Wow I’d never been more embarrassed in my life. I felt so inexperienced and stupid compared to her, which normally didn’t bother me, but we’d also never brought it up so bluntly before. I just hid my face with my hands slightly, “Yeah...”

Sooyoung laughed, not having expected that in the slightest, and I felt my blush deepen even more. Did she look at me differently now...? Had she thought I was more experienced? Was this a deal breaker or something? Should I just have lied, or at least tried to...? I didn’t know. I just didn’t know.

“Hey,” Seeming to read my mind, she made her tone reassuring and gentle and it was enough to make me look at her again, “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about! Please don’t be embarrassed, sweetie.” My heart fluttered from the nickname and I couldn’t help but smile, though it was a cautious one, “I’m just surprised! You’re so adorable, I figured you’d already had plenty of girlfriends before I came along.”

Girlfriends? Did that mean...? Did she consider me her girlfriend...? Oh god, I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask so badly - it was the perfect opportunity to and not have it seem forced - but I knew I wasn’t going to. I knew the words were going to get caught in my throat and I’d never ever dare. Instead I just sat there and blushed and prayed for even a semblance of my composure to return to me, though I seriously doubted it ever would. Not in _this_ situation, with Sooyoung in a hot tub with me, in her _underwear_ , interrogating me about my love life, or lack thereof.

I sighed lightly, “No, no girlfriends. Trust me, I’m... not much of a charmer.” I told her shyly, though that was probably the understatement of the century. I didn’t know what charm even _was_. Pretty sure I’d never been charming in my whole entire life, in even the slightest capacity.

I expected her to refute my slight self-deprecation, to insist that I was charming, in my own special way, because that seemed like something she’d do, but instead, her eyes narrowed at me again and she teased her lower lip between her teeth for a second. Oh. I clenched my fists beneath the water, glad she couldn’t see because of the froth of the bubbles.

“Have you ever... _been_ with anyone before?” She moved closer. I pressed myself against the side of the tub, feeling... weird. Different than I ever had. It wasn’t a bad feeling, just... a new one that I wasn’t sure how to describe.

I laughed airily, “Um... what do you mean...?”

She moved closer, _closer_ , her eyes getting that fire back behind them and it was even stronger than before. They were dark. Burning, “I mean, like _that_.” She was almost flush against me. I couldn’t even think, still not 100% sure of what she was implying, though I was starting to get an idea, and even the _concept_ of what she was hinting at was making me feel like I was going to _combust_.

“I-I--?” She leaned closer, over me, her lips hovering by my ear and her breath warming my skin, and I wanted to reach forward and touch her but I was _so_ scared because she practically wasn’t wearing anything. I sat on my hands, keeping them still, “Um... I-I-- _uh--”_ My last word left me on a high-pitched exhale when I felt her hand slide between my legs, resting gently against my underwear. _What was happening???_

My whole body tensed, practically turning to stone, but I was nearly quivering. She didn’t move her hand, just kept it there, pulling back to stare at me _hard_. Her eyes were... indescribable, they just... were magnetic and carnivorous, like she was going to eat me alive. It scared me, but... I didn’t want to go anywhere. No, I didn’t want to be _anywhere_ except right there.

She edged closer again so her next words were spoken _right_ into my ear, “I’m guessing that’s a no...” It was only then that I felt her teeth gently tease my earlobe and I couldn’t keep back the whimper that left me. I couldn’t keep my hands back anymore either, instead reaching up and intertwining them behind her neck, holding her wordlessly in place. I really really didn’t trust my ability to talk. Not at all.

She waited a few lingering, suspenseful seconds, just letting me listen to her steady breathing while mine got more and more uneven. Her lips lightly kissed my jaw, then my neck, then my shoulder, but none of that even registered to me anymore when she suddenly started to move her hand. And..??? I just... I was such a _mess_.

I couldn’t keep back the moan that left me, but I tried to muffle it by pursing my lips. She planted a firmer, more deliberate kiss right beneath my ear, daring to slink out her tongue and lightly trace it against my skin and I shuddered so hard it probably shook her too. She moved her free hand, placing it at the small of my back as if trying to hold me steady. Honestly it was appreciated. I felt so unstable, like I could just crumble away at even the slightest movement.

She moved again, to whisper softly to me, “If you say stop, I’ll stop, no questions asked...” Stop what...? What was she going to... _oh._ I felt her hand move, reaching up to the waistband of my underwear and starting to slowly slink past it. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I held my breath in, not knowing what else to do, trying desperately to brace myself. She stopped still, her fingers against my back curling ever so slightly, “Breathe, Jiwoo.”

I took a quick breath, listening to her in an instant, but god was it _so_ hard to even remember what breathing was. My grip behind her neck tightened, my fingers clinging tightly to one another as I pursed my lips. She said I could tell her to stop. It was so simple, just one word, and all of this would stop, but... I didn’t want it to.

And my silence was the only answer she needed.

The next second I felt her hand slink past my underwear and one of her fingers slide straight up into me, and I moaned again, louder, not knowing if I had the willpower in me to be quiet and I think she knew it too, but she didn’t seem to care. My head was _swimming_. Waves of heat and mind-numbing pleasure just washed over me one after the other, the sensations relentless. Her pace was slow, gentle, probably too much so, but I couldn’t even think about that, too absorbed in what was happening, in the fact that _Sooyoung_ was the one doing this to me, that she’d wanted to, and that she was being so impossibly soft and caring. I felt her lips against my neck, over and over, each kiss getting firmer and longer, trailing up my jaw until she was face-to-face with me again.

And she just kept _staring_ with her eyes that burned hot like fire and melted me into nothing, and I could feel her _everywhere,_ her steady breaths against my ear, her lips ghosting along my neck, her skin on my skin and her _fingers--_  
  


And the next second it was like I was flying, like I was literally about to float off into space, so I clung to her as hard as I could, probably leaving marks, my vision blurring, my whole body tensing up before collapsing into a trembling, weak mess. Somewhere amid the blinding, overwhelming pleasure I could vaguely hear a faint, comforting whisper, “Shh, shh, I got you, shh...” Her hand on my lower back flattened, and she gently placed her palm against it, rubbing a slow, gentle circle there while I practically gasped for breath.   
  


She withdrew her grip on me, slowly pulling away, seeming completely composed and unaffected by all that while I could still not even remotely function.

She went back to her previous spot across the hot tub, adjusting the loose bun atop her head and making sure it was still in place before asking me calmly, “So...?” She raised an eyebrow at me as I took desperate gasps of air, my heart beating so hard I was worried I’d have a heart attack any moment.

“How was your first time?”


	5. Special Treatment (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooyoung continues her routine of hot and cold, and it's even enough to start wearing Jiwoo down.

It was radio silence all over again, only this time around it was even harder to endure. It wasn’t that Sooyoung wasn’t answering my texts, she was just so impossibly brief. Like, to the extent that even I, the neighborhood chatterbox, had no idea how to continue the conversation without desperately grasping at straws and looking like an idiot. Sometimes she’d provide a half-hearted excuse - “got a big test,” “getting used to the new semester,” “had a cold,” and a few others, all on varying ranges of believable, but I had a creeping suspicion none of them were genuine. And I hated it. God, I hated it so much.

What we did that night was... I knew it was significant. God, it was _so_ significant. I still couldn’t believe it, couldn’t process it in the slightest, and it’d been almost a week. Had Sooyoung really...? Been my... first? _The_ Sooyoung? _The_ prettiest, most charismatic and breathtaking and entrancing girl I’d ever encountered in my life? I wanted to tell someone. I really really wanted to tell someone, but for some reason I didn’t. I kept it in, not even confessing to Chae, because... I don’t know, really. Wait, maybe that’s not true. Maybe I did know, but I was so nervous to even _think_ that let alone say it aloud.

Maybe... Sooyoung was done with me now...?

_S h u t._ I yelled at myself in my head in the middle of my shift, stopping pouring a customer’s drink mid-motion and clamping my eyes closed. _Stop it. That’s too_ ** _sad_** _, and it’s not true._ I told myself over and over, ten extra times for good measure. That was just too pessimistic and I wouldn’t let myself think it. It couldn’t be true, that just wasn’t right. What kind of person would do that to someone? Not Sooyoung. She wasn’t like that, she was kind and sweet and she’d been so gentle with me once she knew it was my first time, she wouldn’t just kick me to the curb...

And... maybe it was stupid, maybe I was being naive, but I couldn’t help it. I felt more connected to her than I ever had before, because we’d shared something so raw and personal and just... my feelings were multiplied tenfold right when I thought they couldn’t possibly get any stronger. And honestly? That was _so_ scary. 

I let out a dragging breath, finishing making the drink with trembling hands. The second semester of school had started back up, and people were home from break, so we were a bit busier now. The bell above our door had been jingled so incessantly it was even starting to annoy me, and I had a pretty high threshold for tolerating annoyance. Jungeun’s eye kept twitching. I was worried she was gonna snap. Thankfully, after I turned and the customer I was serving paid, it looked like it had thinned out for a second or two. We had a chance to breathe.

Jungeun just sighed deeply, tugging her phone from her apron pocket and quickly checking her texts. I smiled knowingly at her, “Anything from your _girlfriend_?”

She turned pink in an instant, glaring at me and slapping my arm, “Shut up... and yes there _is_ something from my _girlfriend_.” She imitated my teasing tone, smiling at whatever Jinsol had sent her.

Jungeun had announced she and Jinsol’s official relationship a few days earlier at lunch and all of us lesbians basically made it seem like a national holiday. Surprisingly Hyunjin seemed the most elated and started rattling off various “ship names” for the two of them, which we voted on to pick the official one. Jungeun just sat there, sort of basking in happiness with an ear-to-ear grin, practically glowing. It was so nice to see her like that. It was what she deserved.

“Actually... lemme just take my break real quick, okay? It’s slow, she wants to facetime...” She was already taking her cap off and ruffling her hair in just that special way for it to look effortlessly messy. She looked at herself briefly in the reflection of one of our coffee machines, making sure her light makeup was in place before blowing me a kiss and ducking out of my view.

My phone buzzed in my apron pocket and I snatched it out as I always did, anticipating something from Sooyoung deep down but not having actually expected anything. Normally I was always disappointed, just seeing something from Chae or Yerim or our chaotic group chat, but instead for once I was pleasantly surprised.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : craving a coffee... you working today?_

My heart skipped a beat at even the concept of seeing her in person again, my fingers so impossibly shaky that I had to hold my breath for them to steady enough for texting.

_yes!! please come by i’d love to see you <3_

I didn’t even care that I seemed eager, or that I was using a heart emoticon, or that I wasn’t trying to filter myself anymore. What was the point? She knew by now that I was hopelessly whipped for her, trying to hide it was just an act at this stage. If it warded her away, then... I dunno, she didn’t like that part of me, which was a huge part of me so that’d kinda be a problem. I was an excited person. A happy person, who wore my emotions on my sleeve, and I wasn’t about to change that for her. Most people liked it, so I just _desperately_ hoped she did too.

She read the text but didn’t reply, leaving me in dreadful suspense. Had that been a mistake? Should I filter myself...? No, and I knew that. After what we’d had together that night, there was no reason to pretend. She should know how I was, because I wanted her to like me - all of me, not just the flustered nervous part that turned into a bumbling mess if she happened to be around. And yeah, that may’ve been a lot to ask, because I knew I was, well, overwhelming, but... I already knew that I liked all of her, or at least all she’d chosen to show, so was it really too much to wish she’d do the same for me...?

It was only then that I decided to glance out the window at the bustling city street, wondering if I’d catch a glimpse of her walking by or if she was even being serious in the first place. And finally, I spotted someone that I just _knew_ was her amongst the crowd even though I couldn’t see her face. Her head was ducked slightly down, hair blocking my view, and she wore a beret and oversized sweater going almost down to her knees. Oh my _god_ her outfit was just so casual and soft and I just wanted to cuddle with her and burrow myself in all that extra fabric and wow I was so whipped. She passed by the window and pushed open the door, stepping inside the shop. My heart had started to beat so fast I barely even heard the chiming of the bell.

But... she looked sort of off. Her face was a bit washed out and the slightest traces of bags were visible under her eyes. She still carried herself in that impossibly effortless, graceful way, but her expression wasn’t as smooth or charming anymore. She seemed tired. I’d never seen her that way, and in an instant I felt an unfamiliar protectiveness rising up in my chest. What was the matter? Had she gotten a bad sleep? Could I help somehow? Was she overworking herself? I didn’t like that, she needed to be careful.

She shot me the most minor semblance of a smile I’d ever seen as she approached the counter and I had to hold back a bitter frown. What was wrong? Was she okay? I wanted to ask. God, I wanted to ask so badly, but the closer she got to me the more uncertain I felt of that decision.

She set her wallet down on the counter, leaning ever so slightly closer, “Hi, lovely...” Despite the weird state she clearly was in, her voice had that same entrancing lilt that drew me in and fully absorbed absolutely every ounce of my focus. She had my _full_ attention, and she could do whatever she wanted with it, but I also couldn’t help but notice something.

Her sweatshirt revealed the entrancing curve of the base of her neck and part of her collarbones, and it was... bare. There was no necklace. She wasn’t wearing it. She wasn’t wearing my necklace. And just... for some reason, that felt like a punch in the gut. I couldn’t help but flinch slightly, my small smile faltering even more. She was a bit too out of it to notice that reaction. I mean... it wasn’t like she had to wear it every day or anything... I didn’t expect her to, not at all, just... I dunno. I was already feeling so uncertain about myself and how things were going with her, and just knowing that she wasn’t wearing the necklace made me feel like she was never going to wear it. Like she’d never wanted it in the first place and had just gotten home and set the box down on her desk and left it there without a second thought. My face fell all the way and I couldn’t prevent it.

She took a deep breath, brushing some of her hair behind her ear, “Could I just get whatever has the most caffeine? I really need it.”

I blinked twice, taking a few extra seconds to actually process her words when absolutely all of my thoughts were preoccupied with this necklace situation, “Huh? Oh, yeah, of course...” I spun around and started to make her drink, one of the machines needing to heat up a bit before it would be ready. My body felt weighted with this... tension. I wasn’t nervous anymore, just... worried, if anything.

“How’s the day been going?” She asked me softly, her voice quiet and gentle. I turned back to her, drawn in all over again as I gravitated back to the counter. Her hands were resting on it now and they were close to me. I couldn’t help it, reaching closer and gently clasping them both with mine, eying her closely to gauge her reaction.

She didn’t really register it, just letting her eyes wander aimlessly around the shop. I traced my thumbs absentmindedly along her skin, and despite being fairly familiar with how soft it was, I always found myself mesmerized by it whenever I had any contact with it.

I gave her the warmest smile I could possibly muster, exerting conscious effort into fighting back all the negative, worrisome, pessimistic thoughts out of my mind and instead focusing on the good: that she was here, that she’d thought of me before coming, that she had called me “lovely,” that she didn’t so much as flinch from me holding her hands like this. All good things.

“It’s been okay. Much better now that you’re here.” I told her sweetly, amazed that I wasn’t blushing. Was this the first time I hadn’t blushed when Sooyoung was around...? I just felt... a bit more comfortable with her. I mean, after we’d done... that, I felt like she knew me more than anyone else in my life. Even though she could still turn me into a flustered mess with so much as a look, I was comfortable being that way with her now.

She smiled a bit more genuinely, looking at me with a fondness behind her eyes I’d never seen there before. My chest lightened ever so slightly and I traced my fingers further down, along her wrists, only to feel something strange there. Like, a little abrasion, or something. My brow furrowed in curiosity and I pushed her sleeve down slightly, “Oh!” Her skin was slightly red, surrounding the pattern of what I knew was a fresh tattoo. It was a solid black silhouette of a swan, and it sort of looked like it must’ve been done clumsily or too hard with a stick and poke because there was some sort of mark there. Before I could get a good look, she drew both of her hands away from me, pushing her sleeves back up, “Is that new?”

She nodded slightly, “Yeah, got it two days ago. Still kinda sore...”

I pouted, not liking even the concept of her being in the slightest amount of pain, “Aww. Is that your only tattoo?”

“Yep...” She looked over my shoulder, pointing vaguely at the coffee machine I’d switched on for her drink. The light was green, it was ready, and she definitely was a bit more desperate for this caffeine than I thought.

“Oh, right!” I spun on my heel, making her drink quickly. She waved dismissively when I went to put cream and sugar into it, just pulling the mug of black coffee toward her with both hands and taking a long sip.

She sighed, shutting her eyes for a few moments, “Thanks.”

I smiled at her again, happy I could somehow help with her sleepiness and already knowing I wasn’t gonna let her pay for this, “You really _do_ like swans, huh?” That seemed like quite the understatement, she’d literally tattooed one permanently onto her body. Part of me resented it a little... if she liked swans so much, why not wear my necklace...? I shook my head back and forth slightly, as if to expel those thoughts from it before they could take over. This wasn’t about me, she just wanted a tattoo and that was fine. It had nothing to do with me.

She nodded, since it was pretty self-explanatory, and I wondered something else, asking it with a raised eyebrow, “Does it like, have any other meaning?” I wasn’t sure, maybe she actually liked swans for a reason besides the one she’d told me during our first date.

But apparently I was way off base. Her face scrunched up, like even the notion of that was totally ridiculous, “What? No.” She snapped slightly at me and I couldn’t help but flinch again. Oh, oops? I guess I’d... done something wrong? I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so I just sort of didn’t, standing there with my lips parted like I was going to say something but I never actually did.

She seemed to catch herself after a second or two of dragging, tense silence, and she let out another long sigh, her shoulders slouching, “Um... sorry, I’m... just tired. I get grouchy.” She sounded genuinely apologetic, but it wasn’t that I didn’t believe she felt bad. It was that I didn’t believe she was something as simple as “tired.” I’m not sure why, or why I was so effortlessly convinced, but there was something else there, and it made me sad that she couldn’t just tell me. I’d tell her, if the roles were switched. But... I mean, I guess I was just a more open person than she was. Still, it stung ever so slightly.

I was pulled from my thoughts when she reached back across the counter and clasped my hands again, tight, “Hey. I’m sorry.” I just nodded, finding it hard to look at her. She squeezed my fingers and I finally met her eyes again, “Can I get a smile?”

It was as if as soon as she’d said that, as soon as she’d made the ridiculously endearing request, there was no preventing the ear-to-ear grin from spreading across my face. She smiled too, and although it was still weak and strained, it was there, and I was glad to see it.

“Good. I missed that.” She told me softly, the Sooyoung-butterflies in my chest fluttering gently around my heart.

I laughed lightly, that blush finally making its way to my cheeks after a surprising delay, “Ha, well... I smile pretty easy when I’m around you.” Her face fell slightly, the comment seeming to... startle her? Maybe? Her grip on me loosened slightly, but something else slipped out before I could consider whether or not it’d be a good idea, “You make me really happy, Sooyoung.”

Even I hadn’t anticipated just how sentimental and sincere that statement would sound, and she _definitely_ hadn’t anticipated it. Her eyebrows raised slightly, like even the concept of that was totally foreign to her - something she never would’ve thought unless told directly to her face. She blinked hard, her smile fading for a solid second before coming back a bit more forced, and she just nodded. I may even call the motion awkward, which is a word I _never_ would’ve thought to associate with Sooyoung, _ever_.

She cleared her throat ever so slightly and I knew she was going to just pretend like I hadn’t ever said that instead of addressing it with anything more direct than that vague nod. She looked toward the clock above my head, pulling one of her hands away so that she could take another long sip of her coffee. I felt her start to tremble and I hoped it was just from the caffeine, “I had a really nice time the other night.” A chill shot up my spine at her direct mentioning of “the other night,” my blush intensifying, “I hope my schedule clears up soon, I’d like to see you again.” Although the words of that statement were sincere, it didn’t really reflect that in her tone. My chest was still tight.

Either way, even if she was forcing her sentimentality just to match mine, I couldn’t help but react to it. Again, what can I say, I was and still am the biggest softie I know, “Yeah, uh, that’d be um great! I’d... love to see you. Just text me. I’m free whenever.” I sounded eager. Too readily available, probably, in hindsight, but who cares? It was true. I’d _make_ time for her. Change my shifts if I had to. And she should know that, because it was one of the few ways I could show her just how much I cared without saying it out loud. I was too scared to say it out loud quite yet, at least not all the way.

She nodded again, ever so slightly, before taking another long sip of her coffee and draining the mug that time, “I’ll work on it.” My brow furrowed. Work on it? Work on what? Texting me? Why was that something she had to “work on?” Wasn’t it pretty easy...? Sooyoung was frustratingly good at not making much of any sense.

She set down her now empty cup and started to reach for her wallet, but I held up my hand, “No no, it’s on me.”

She froze mid-motion and I expected her to thank me, but instead of accepting my offer she just continued to take out the money. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to insist further, but my lips stayed parted as if I was going to. Why wouldn’t she let me pay for it...? I just stared as she checked the pricing on the menu over my shoulder before carefully taking out the exact amount and sliding it to me across the counter. I took a breath, about to protest slightly despite my mild caution, but then she seemed to catch herself and added a few extra won. Was she tipping me?

I laughed lightly, finding this really odd, “Sooyoung-ah, you don’t have to--”

I didn’t get a chance to finish my thought before she cut me off, “--I want to. I shouldn’t get special treatment.”

What...? I couldn’t help the way that my face fell. What did she mean by that? Why wouldn’t she get special treatment? I wanted to say and almost instinctively said “yes, you do deserve special treatment, because we’re together, or because we have something,” but I didn’t. Because I wasn’t even sure of that anymore. Did she feel uncomfortable with me doing favors for her...? Or...? Was I making assumptions by treating her special? Did she not want me to treat her special? She was special, though. She was so special. What we had was special. Or at least... I thought so.

I just took her money and put it into the register. I really didn’t feel like talking anymore. My stomach sort of hurt.

She sighed, running her hand down her face, “Okay, I’ve gotta run. It was nice seeing you.” That was so... casual. Like something she’d say to someone she had class with once a week, not someone she’d... done _that_ with. I blinked hard, my blush fading along with whatever slight smile I’d managed to keep on my face.

I just looked at her, and she finally met my eyes. There was so much there. So much that wasn’t reflecting in _any_ of her behavior, in her tone, in the way she was talking to me, but it was behind her eyes. I tried desperately to read it, to figure out what she was keeping back, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know her well enough, and I hated admitting that, but it was so evident in that moment. She was trying to tell me something with the look she was giving me, whether she was fully aware of it or not, but I just couldn’t _tell_. And that was so incredibly frustrating.

I just took a deep, quiet breath, “It’s nice to see you too. It’s always nice to see you... stop by again soon?” It really sounded like I was almost begging. Hell, maybe I was.

She nodded. Almost as if she didn’t want to confirm that verbally, because that was too much of a solid commitment. I got a bitter taste in my mouth, watching wordlessly as she spun on her heel and gracefully strutted back out the door.

That was... _so_ weird.

The break room door was pushed open behind me and I turned to look at Jungeun as she re-entered. She was putting her hair back up as well as her cap, seeming totally reinvigorated from whatever brief facetime conversation she’d squeezed in with Jinsol. She beamed at me, even reaching up to pinch one of my cheeks, totally oblivious to how rattled I was from that stilted Sooyoung interaction. For a few dragging minutes, neither of us said anything. She just went back to cleaning the counters, restocking the shelves, checking on the machines. This lull seemed to be lasting, and with every single moment I got closer and closer to blurting something out. Until finally, I just said it.

“So, um,” My timid voice breaking the silence got her attention, and she looked at me as we stood side by side, “... how far have you gone with Jinsol?”

She’d been adjusting the settings on one of our machines, a motion that was routine to her, but stopped still, “How far-- what?” She hadn’t even remotely anticipated the question and it was shown on her face. I mean yeah, it had come out of nowhere. My blush returned to me and I fought to keep it relatively under control.

I smiled nervously, wondering if I should take it back, “Um, nothing, just... wondering.”

I couldn’t match her gaze anymore but I could feel her eyes boring holes into me, “You mean like...? Kissing and stuff?”

I jumped at the chance to take refuge in the innocence of that suggestion, perhaps a bit too eagerly, “Yep! Yep that’s what I meant!” My hands were starting to tremble. It was a subtle thing, something I could hide just by busying myself with them, but god I instantly regretted bringing this up. I was not at _all_ a convincing liar and if she turned this question back on me I was done for.

She cleared her throat slightly, that question all on its own seeming to fluster her a bit, “... we’ve kissed a lot.”

Kissed? That was all...? I mean... they’d been involved for a bit less time than Sooyoung and I had, at least from a time-wise perspective, but they’d seen each other way more. The two were practically inseparable. So...? My stomach was in knots. I nursed my lower lip between my teeth for a second, resisting the urge to bounce on my heels in an effort to expel some of my mounting nervous energy.

“Good! That’s always fun!” I internally grimaced at how forced and awkward I was sounding.

A silence spread, but I could practically hear her mind buzzing. She saw through me like glass - she always did, and I hated it. I didn’t want her to see through this. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want anyone to know because the longer I was thinking about it and the longer I let it sit, the more I wondered if I should’ve told Sooyoung to stop. Not because I hadn’t wanted to, no, it was almost embarrassing how much I had _absolutely_ wanted to, but... it should’ve been more special. Not in some hot tub at a house I’d never been in. Right...? Wasn’t your first time supposed to be really special? At least it was with someone I cared about. Someone I cared about more than anything. More than I probably should.

She finally dared to ask what I had started to anticipate her asking, “How far have you gone with Sooyoung?”

My instinct whenever I got nervous was sort of to start laughing uncontrollably, and this was no different. It definitely didn’t help that I was starting to panic ever so slightly, realizing that the only way to get out of this situation without needing to tell her was to lie, and that the chances of her actually believing my awful attempts at lying were dreadfully slim.

“Ha! Um! Same!” I turned from her so she couldn’t see my face, pretending to busy myself with small tasks at the other end of the counter so she couldn’t see how hard I was shaking, “Just the same! Kissing and stuff!”

Her eyes were boring holes into the back of my head. She knew I was lying. I mean, it already wasn’t that hard to tell, and that coupled with how well she knew me? There really was no chance. God, I didn’t want her to know.

“...Jiwoo... wait a second...” She was piecing it together. Slowly but surely. I think she was sifting through some of her own denial about this having actually happened, which was valid.

My nervous laughter was getting a bit out of hand but I really couldn’t keep it back, “Hahahahaha, what?” I turned, trying to look at her, trying to act normal and failing miserably. I knew my face was red as an apple and I knew there was no way I could hide that either, “Nothing! It’s nothing, I-I’m gonna go on break!” I shakily started to undo the strings of my apron as I ducked into the breakroom, praying she wouldn’t follow me out of sheer work ethic and not wanting to leave the counter unattended, but she was at my heels.

“You didn’t.” She finally said in absolute disbelief. I took off my apron and tossed it onto one of the break room chairs, my chest unbelievably tight.

The only thing I could do at this point was play dumb. Maybe I could play so dumb and annoy her so much that she’d drop it...?

“Didn’t what?” I wouldn’t look at her. I just wouldn’t.

It wasn’t very convincing, “You did _not_.” I shot her a quick glance and realized this was all a lost cause when I saw her jaw dropped and her eyes wide.

I clasped my hands together tightly, trying to steady them, but it just made the tremors spread to my arms instead, “Dunno what you mean!”

“DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOOYOUNG?!”

I flinched, my forced smile finally sliding from my face at how she had literally _shrieked_ that question and that the break room door was _not_ that soundproof, not to mention the bluntness of that statement and the fact I hadn’t even _thought_ that word in my head let alone heard it said aloud in relation to me.

I stepped closer, gesturing at her frantically to _hush_ , “Shhhh!! Shh, oh my god!”

She just barely seemed to register what I was so desperately asking her to do, so she instead decided to whisper-shout at me, “ _Did you have sex with Sooyoung????_ ”

God I’d never been more embarrassed in my life, having to confirm this, “I--! Maybe!” Trying to brace myself for her reaction despite knowing that’d be nearly impossible.

“WHAT?!” She was yelling again and I surged closer, clasping her hand tightly with mine and getting really close to just covering her mouth.

“Shh!!” I urged her desperately.

It had literally no effect, “HOW ON _EARTH_??? WHAT? _ALREADY_???” She must’ve had dozens upon dozens of questions and they were all just piling up, but she didn’t need to _shout_ them.

“Please be quiet,” I pleaded with her in a gentle whisper, hoping my low volume would be contagious in the slightest.

Surprisingly it was, either that or she was so absolutely shell shocked that she couldn’t even form words anymore. She just stared at me with those wide eyes, so confused and caught off guard that she seemed to cease to function altogether.

But I didn’t care about that. She knew now, whether I liked it or not, so maybe she could help me. Honestly I had so many questions and so many concerns that I just had nobody to ask. I knew she wasn’t necessarily experienced with... this, but I valued her opinion and she was usually right. But god was I scared of the answers she’d give me.

I took a deep, much needed breath, my chest still so constricted that inhaling was harder than it should’ve been, “Is it early? Jungeun I’m really nervous that it was early...” It seemed like Sooyoung was always moving fast. Almost like she was in a rush. But why? Why would she be in a rush? There was no time limit or constraint, at least not one that I knew of. Why couldn’t we go slower? Did she just... not have any self control or something? I mean, I’d been right there with her with all the stuff we’d done.

When she’d kissed me in her dorm room that time I had absolutely zero complaints or protests, and even though it was pretty unexpected, I didn’t regret what we’d done that night in the hot tub. So... if we both wanted to, why not just do it? Right...? So then why did it make me uneasy that things between us were progressing so fast? Maybe it just meant we had great chemistry...? Or maybe it meant... something else...

Jungeun scoffed under her breath, as if my question was self-explanatory, and my stomach dropped again, “Um??? I mean, yeah I think it may be kinda early!!”

“Shit...” The word left me without much thought.

“Whoa did you just swear??” She stepped closer to me, tilting her head, wondering if she’d misheard.

I only then realized I had. I never really swore. It just wasn’t my thing, that had just slipped out, but I felt the blush on my cheeks deepening, “No! I’m... ugh...” I just groaned, retracting my grip from her so I could instead bury my face into my hands. God I was just so _confused_ and _conflicted_ and _worried_. I wanted answers. More than _anything_ I wanted solid answers from Sooyoung on what we were and what she wanted us to be but I was way too scared to ever ask and that put me in such an awful position of _waiting._

Jungeun noticed my distress because, I mean, I wasn’t really hiding it anymore, and all of her shock and awe and the previous desire she had to go into full on interrogation mode had faded. In an instant she’d returned to her caring, concerned friend state and stepped closer, resting her hand gently on my arm, her tone soft now, “Are you okay? What’s up?”

I just sighed heavily, feeling stupid whenever I tried to verbalize this stuff, “I... if it was early, I just... I’m worried she doesn’t like me...” God it hurt saying that out loud. Like, it just physically _hurt._ My chest started to ache with a dull pain.

She raised an eyebrow at me, “Doesn’t like you? Jiwoo she had sex with you, I’m pretty sure that means...” She trailed off when she looked deeper at my eyes, her analytical abilities of seeing my emotions really impressive sometimes. I kept forgetting that she hadn’t been there during the conversation I’d had with the girls at Yerim’s party, so she was a bit more out of the loop than I remembered. She hadn’t really seen the uncertain part of me who was endlessly paranoid about Sooyoung’s intentions, and despite that, she understood in a mere second just from the look on my face, “...oh... you think she’s...? Just in it for--”

I didn’t let her finish that statement because I _knew_ how badly it would hurt to hear and I just wasn’t stable enough to take that, “--No. No, she...” I didn’t finish whatever I’d started to say. Because again, I didn’t want to lie, and I just wasn’t sure enough to say that so confidently, which _sucked._ “I don’t know. I really just don’t know...”

Her eyebrows scrunched up and she tilted her head at me, “Did you want to...?” I knew what she was referring to without her needing to specify, and I just nodded wordlessly. I had _definitely_ wanted to. And I _definitely_ hadn’t stopped thinking about it for even a millisecond. She sighed lightly, “Well, that’s good at least.”

I nodded slightly, barely even able to pay attention to her. My mind was running wild, trying to evaluate all the possibilities that I was being faced with all at once, and all it was managing to do was give me a hell of a headache.

She stepped slightly closer and I finally looked back at her after having been spacing out a bit, “Has she talked to you since?”

I crossed my arms, my whole body starting to subtly tremble. I felt... unstable and shaky. Almost like I needed to sit down or something. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of this. I wondered if Jungeun was judging me. I wondered if she thought _I_ was moving too fast, if she thought I was dumb. She probably didn’t, Jungeun loved me and a part of me knew that, but I was just so paranoid and self-conscious.

I sighed, “Less... but a little.”

She frowned bitterly, shaking her head, “I don’t like that.”

“Why?” I tensed for her response, wondering if it would be anything I even remotely wanted to hear and knowing that it probably wouldn’t be.

She shrugged, like she was indifferent, but I knew she was anything but. “Seems like she should be talking to you more, not less.”

For some reason, her saying that felt like a slap across the face. This intense, awful sense of dread was creeping up on me more and more with each second, “...Really?”

Her nod was so simple and plain, like this was just a given, like I shouldn’t even be asking, and it just made me feel more stupid. I know she didn’t mean it that way, but I felt so _stupid_.

“Fuck...” Another curse slipped out of me without me even noticing, my world feeling like it was just... caving in on itself.

“Whoa!” Jungeun really wasn’t used to hearing me swear. Hell, I wasn’t even used to hearing me swear.

“Sorry...” I buried my face into my hands again, feeling so incredibly dismayed. I didn’t know what to do. Could I do anything? Or was I more or less at the mercy of Sooyoung, as always? I just wanted things to make sense again. Had they ever made sense? Maybe not. All I knew for sure was that I was sick of not knowing, sick of all this wondering and uncertainty and stress and paranoia and overthinking. It was _exhausting_ , but I was also way too scared to be direct enough with Sooyoung to get real answers, which only made me frustrated at my own inability to confront her. God, there was just so _much_ to deal with and I had no idea how to deal with a single aspect of it.

“No need to apologize, just catching me off guard a bit...” We both vaguely heard the sound of the bell above the door jingling and I only then remembered that we’d totally abandoned the counter, “Shit, we should really get back out there... um, we can talk about this more later if you want?” She was cautious. I think she could sense how distraught I was, and she was concerned, but could also tell that I struggled to even think of it let alone discuss it. She didn’t want to push me.

And even though I probably should’ve talked about it more, I was more than comfortable to cover myself in denial for a little while longer, “No... that’s okay. Thanks.”

She brushed her hand along my arm before tugging me back to the rest of the store gently by my hand. I felt hollow for the rest of the day, and woke up feeling hollow in the morning. It was like... something was missing.

I knew it was Sooyoung. And I knew that was pretty pathetic. But it was how I felt, and that was the one thing I couldn’t deny.

***  
  


People would really do anything for their coffee. It was crazy just how many people still made their way to the Roost even during a torrential downpour. It’d been storming the whole day, complete with loud thunder and plenty of lightning that made Jungeun pray the power would go out because then we could “go home.” Much to her dismay, it didn’t, and we were stuck working a full closing shift. The rain even seemed to make the place busier - people tended to take refuge from it and then huddle by the window as if praying it would lighten up, which it never did.

Of course I’d neglected to bring an umbrella. My optimism wasn’t always helpful. I’d told myself, “oh! It’ll stop eventually!” when I headed into work, but nope. It was pouring just as hard by the time Jungeun and I closed up. She sighed heavily, letting her hair out of its ponytail and tossing her hat aggressively onto the recently wiped down counter.

“God I hate this job so much,” She muttered, rubbing at her temples. She’d been getting headaches from work lately.

I frowned, rubbing my hand along her back, “I’m sorry... but hey, next year you get to go to college, right? So no more Roost!”

She groaned, “Let’s _not_ talk about the future, how about?”

I nodded, sensing that she was serious despite her constant semi-sarcastic tone, and realized I should really head home. The Roost closed pretty late, my feet hurt, and more than anything I just wanted to go to bed. I gave Jungeun a quick back-hug for good measure, making sure not to cling on for as long as I normally would’ve wanted because she tended to reject any physical contact after long shifts. Preparing for the inevitability of getting drenched, I just grabbed my things and headed out the back door. Jungeun had to stay behind and count the money in the register, lock the doors, that sort of thing, and I wasn’t feeling up to hanging around wordlessly while she did so. I hadn’t been feeling like myself lately.

My tactic of rushing in between awnings from different stores and only getting drenched in short intervals worked more or less, but after about two minutes or so of my ten minute walk home, I was pretty soaked. My hair stuck to the sides of my face and my shoes did that gross squishy thing. Eww. Pretty soon, even my plan of hiding beneath things wasn’t working anymore once things got more rural. Less stores, less awnings. I more or less accepted being drenched and didn’t bother running anymore, my feet hurting too badly.

My attention was drawn away from my predicament when one of the occasional passing cars actually slowed to a crawl as it was at my side. My brow furrowed and I turned to look at whoever was driving, wondering if it may be Jungeun, only for my heart to leap straight into my throat so fast it nearly choked me.

It was Sooyoung.

Oh.

It’d been three days since our stilted interaction at the Roost and we’d had no contact. I was too scared to text her, and she never had reached out to me like she’d claimed she’d planned - though I wasn’t particularly surprised. So my jaw couldn’t really help but drop when she randomly pulled up on the side of the road, reaching over and unlocking her passenger’s side door. She rolled the window down as well, needing to raise her voice so I could hear her over the sound of raindrops pounding against asphalt.

“Hey!! Get in, you’re soaked!” She gestured frantically for me to hitch a ride but for some reason I hesitated.

I almost wanted to tell her that I “shouldn’t get special treatment,” but held back the comment. It didn’t really seem like the right time. But how come she could do favors for me and I couldn’t do favors for her? Was that day where she’d acted so strange just a weird outlier? She didn’t seem tired or off like she’d been, if anything she was back to how I normally saw her - eyes bright, makeup impossibly flawless, movements graceful and fluid. But now I was even more curious about why she’d been so different that day, why she’d been curt and brief and honestly not that nice. I wanted to ask but I knew I never would.

“Um, no that’s fine, you don’t have to go out of your way--” I started to protest, knowing she lived on the whole other side of the city and not even really sure why she was in this area in the first place, but she cut me off.

“--Get in the car, loser, I’m not letting you walk in this.” I could tell from her tone that she really wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and I could vaguely feel the heat emanating from her car’s now open window. My body shuddered, since I really was soaked to the bone.

Ahh, what the hell.

I rushed over to the passenger’s side and hopped in, putting my seatbelt on, but she didn’t drive off right away. Instead she reached into the back seat, rooting around some odds and ends before finding a baggy sweater with her college’s logo on it and placing it gently onto my lap.

“Here, you should change.” She reached forward and cranked up the heat even higher as soon as she saw how noticeably I was shuddering.

I blushed in an instant, “Wha--? No, that’s fine, I-I’ll be home in a bit and I can--”

“Just _change_ , Jiwoo. You’ll get sick if you stay in those wet clothes.” Wow. Her tone was... soft. LIke, genuinely soft and caring. This was so incredibly different from how she’d treated me when we’d spoken last and I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. I wasn’t sure if I should trust it. I wasn’t sure which version of her was more real, and that was sort of scary. I wanted to believe it was this version, since this was what I’d seen more. But... I wasn’t sure.

“Change like now?” My face was getting more and more red by the second. She still hadn’t started driving.

Her eyes rolled subtly but she didn’t seem actually annoyed, “Oh c’mon. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

I just blinked at her, totally dumbstruck.

She sighed, “I won’t look. Promise.” She raised her hands up to her eyes, mimicking the same thing she’d done the night we’d... and I didn’t trust her to keep her word. Why would she? She hadn’t last time.

But I was cold and I could feel that the sweater was soft and I just didn’t care anymore. So I peeled off my soaking wet work shirt as quickly as I could, keeping an eye on her the whole time. I threw on the new sweater which _was_ soft and it smelled like her and it gave me butterflies just knowing that she’d offered this to me, and that she cared enough to be so insistent about it and... ugh. She didn’t move her hands, not even an inch, even after she could probably tell I was done. She kept her promise.

“You can look now...” I mumbled, not feeling quite confident enough to be any louder than that.

She lowered her hands slowly, peeking out at me first, “There, isn’t that a bit better?”

All I could do was nod. She was being so sweet...? She smiled at me, a gentle, slight smile that made me feel safe. How did she do that?

“Alright, I’m gonna need you to direct me to your house. In case you forgot, I’ve never been.” She finally pulled back onto the street and started to drive. We were only a few minutes away by car, and that relieved me. I was still wearing soaking wet jeans and I really wanted to towel dry my hair a bit. Whatever makeup I had on was probably gone now too, which didn’t help how self-conscious I was already feeling. I just really hadn’t been mentally prepared to see Sooyoung like this, but then again, when was I ever prepared for her?

I cleared my throat, “Um, right... it’s just a few streets over, if you take this turn...” God I was so quiet. I was amazed she even heard me.

“Gotcha.” Why was the way she said that so adorable to me? Why was _everything_ she did so impossibly attractive? I was so effortlessly drawn to her. It took conscious effort to keep my gaze locked onto my hands that rested nervously in my lap, because I knew I shouldn’t just stare at her profile for this whole ride, despite that being all I wanted to do, “How has your day been? You were on your way back from work, right?”

“Yeah... it was pretty busy.”

“Are you tired?” She sounded concerned again. For me. My heart fluttered.

“A little!” I felt my giddiness returning to me, my optimism and my energy and my hyperness, because this felt normal. Like how things used to be - like when I’d felt comfortable with her. It was so relieving. It felt like a tension I hadn’t known I’d stored in my body left me all at once - like I could finally get a breath in. The unsettling emptiness in my chest finally faded, “I like it when it’s busy cuz I always have something to do!”

She chucked warmly, shaking her head slightly, and I felt my confidence waver, asking timidly, “What...? Did I say something dumb?”

One of her hands moved from the steering wheel and instead rested on my thigh affectionately, rubbing a light circle there. Oh god, my heart was going _crazy_. My eyes even widened slightly from the contact, thankful she was looking at the road and not at me, “No Jiwoo, you’re just... really sweet. I forget sometimes.” Ugh, the _tone_ to her voice and the _sincerity_ there, I...

I giggled under my breath, all of my shyness returning in an instant, “Um... thank you...”

She drove down a street or two with my quiet instructions of left or right, but I wasn’t sure what else to say to her. My mind was _far_ too preoccupied with the way that her hand kept tracing delicate circles against my thigh. I was honestly amazed I could form words at all anymore.

She sighed happily, increasing the speed of her windshield wipers when the rain got even more intense for a few seconds, “God, this weather is gloomy.” Her hand retracted from me so that she’d have a better grip on the wheel, and my brain started working again.

“I like the rain.” I told her matter-of-factly.

She raised an eyebrow at me, gaze flitting in my direction for a second, “Oh? I wouldn’t have expected that from you.”

I shrugged, “It’s relaxing! I don’t like it when it has to cancel my plans, but I think it sounds nice and it looks pretty and it makes flowers happy so, who am I to complain?”

She did that same chuckle again right as we pulled onto my street, and my house was in view. I pointed at it wordlessly and she understood, parking right in front. The rain kept coming down in torrents on her car roof, and I knew I’d have to bolt the short distance to my porch.

“So, um,” I wrung my hands a bit, not knowing what else to do, especially because she’d turned in her seat to look directly at me, “Thanks for the ride! I-I appreciate it...”

“Can I come in?” Her eyes were... a bit darker than normal. My heartbeat quickened right after it’d started to go a bit back to normal. It was almost midnight... why did she want to come in?

“Um... why?” I actually dared to ask, a timid smile making its way to my face.

Her response was immediate, which made me more inclined to trust it, “I want to make sure you get dried off. I’m worried. Next time it’s raining like this, don’t walk. Call me, I can drive you.” She was already making motions to get out of the car, like it was just a given I’d say yes to her coming inside. Oh boy I was blushing all over again, I hadn’t prepared for this either. Not in the slightest. Not to even mention the generosity and sweetness of the offer she’d just given me.

“I-I? Um, yeah, you can come in for a bit...” As soon as I’d said yes, she opened her door and was already rushing to duck beneath my porch. I quickly followed suit, only getting a bit wet in the process, letting out a breath once we were both shielded from the rain again. I fumbled with my keys to the front door, “We’re gonna have to be quiet though, everyone’s asleep okay?”

She nodded obediently, “I can be quiet. Not so sure about you though.”

Um.

What.   
  


My mind went to a place I _really_ hadn’t planned on it going, and I looked at her with raised eyebrows, but her eyes weren’t dark or anything. Maybe she hadn’t meant it like that...? I was having a really hard time reading her. She couldn’t have meant it that way. She wasn’t going to... not in my house, no. God I needed to get my mind out of the gutter. I swallowed hard, fighting back a blush as I shakily unlocked my door and opened it as gently as I could.

We both stepped inside and I took off my wet shoes, grimacing at the sensation of them. Sooyoung slid off her knee-high boots as well, placing them in a pair right next to mine. How long was she planning on staying...?

I just gestured wordlessly to the stairs, moving to head up them first and nearly jumping out of my skin when I felt her clasp my hand. Not to stop me, just to hold it. A chill went up my spine and that time it wasn’t from cold.

She stayed quiet as a mouse, somehow not managing to creak a single floorboard - a skill even I hadn’t mastered and I’d lived in that house almost my entire life. I quickly ducked into my room and shut the door behind us for a slightly better sound buffer, letting out a long breath once we could actually whisper a bit without accidentally awakening anyone.

When I turned around to my room though, I was embarrassed. It wasn’t nearly as tidy as I would’ve wanted it to be for the first time Sooyoung saw it. She had already released my hand and had taken the liberty of strolling around, looking at my posters and my pictures and my trinkets.

I blushed, moving to throw some of my clothes that were on the floor and my bed into my laundry hamper in the corner, “U-um, sorry for the mess, I-I didn’t think anyone was coming over...” She’d picked up a towel from the back of my desk chair, totally disregarding my fretting, and gestured for me to come closer.

I did, my whole body trembling, only for her to reach up and start gently rubbing at my damp hair with the towel she loosely held. We were close. Really close. She made sure not to be too rough with the motion, just trying to help me dry off. God this was _so_ sweet and soft and... I just stared at her eyes, letting myself get lost there. She wasn’t looking at me, seeming really engrossed in the task she’d assigned herself. When she seemed to think my hair was dry enough, she gently caressed my cheek with her hand for a moment, leaned forward, and planted a lingering kiss on my forehead.

ohmygod?

I was frozen to the spot, jaw dropped yet again. She set the towel down, took a step back, and slid her heavy jacket from her shoulders. It was only once that was off that I noticed something I hadn’t before, and just... wow, I’d never had so many different emotions run through me all at once.

My necklace. She was wearing it. Proudly, almost. Her tight-fitting, black long-sleeve shirt had a scoop neck that showed off her collarbones as well as the silver swan pendant, framed perfectly there on her neck. I stared at it for a bit longer than I think was acceptable. She must’ve noticed, but she didn’t say a word.

Instead, she gestured to my pants, “Those are still all wet. You’ve gotta take them off or else I won’t leave.” She crossed her arms, starting to seem almost like a stern parent dealing with a stubborn, uncooperative child.

I realized that the whole “don’t look” or “I’m embarrassed” excuse was pointless, since she knew that and would probably hide her eyes anyway. Sighing in an attempt to expel some of the tension from my body, I just sat on the edge of my bed and started to tug the denim from my legs. It proved to be more difficult than I thought, the wetness making them stick to me, but that wasn’t what I cared about.

What I cared about was Sooyoung _not_ hiding her eyes in the slightest, but instead _staring_ at me. At my legs. At the way I struggled ever so slightly to actually tug my pants off, and god, the _look_ she had in those dark eyes of hers. I’d only seen it once before. In the hot tub. Oh. Wait.

She surged closer in an instant, closing whatever distance there had been, and before I knew it her thumbs had hooked in the belt loops of my pesky jeans and she was speaking to me in that same deep, low _tone_ she’d had that night, “Let me help.”

The next second they were gone. She’d ripped them off me in one swift motion, like it was nothing, like she _needed_ them off. Before I could even react, she was coming closer. And closer and _closer_ , arms on either side of me on the bed to support herself. I backed up slightly on instinct, caught incredibly off guard from all this, but she followed me. Eventually I fumbled, falling on my back, and she hovered above me, the necklace dangling hypnotizingly in the small dead space still between us.

Then she kissed me, and I forgot how to think, forgot how to breathe, forgot how to even exist properly. This kiss was different than all the others, it was fueled by such a consuming _heat_ , I felt it in every single inch of me. I kissed her back without even the slightest hesitation, my head already swimming and my hands moving to claw desperately at her shirt. I... don’t know why I did that, I just... wanted to hold onto something. She felt the contact - the way my nails may’ve even scraped against her skin slightly, and in the next second she was sitting up, straddling me, and her shirt was gone. She’d ripped it off, thrown it over her shoulder, and it was gone, and I... just...

Her body was _so_ nice. Her skin was like pure porcelain, untainted and unblemished to such an extent it looked like it was airbrushed almost. I reached forward with trembling fingers, daring to brush them just barely along her toned stomach, her sides, the curve of her back. She let me, seeming unfazed, just staring deeply at me the whole time.

If we were going to do this again, and... it seemed like that was the plan, I wanted to make this time special. I wanted it to go a bit slower, I wanted us to take our time. But that’s not what Sooyoung wanted. No, Sooyoung wanted _fast._

The next second her hand was in between my legs and I tensed up, biting my lower lip to keep back an instinctive noise. My walls were _not_ thick and my parents were _literally_ a room away from us. Oh boy, was this why she’d told me earlier that she wasn’t sure if I could keep quiet? Because honestly _I_ wasn’t sure if I could keep quiet. With Sooyoung... doing things to me, how could _anyone_ possibly keep quiet??  
  


It was awfully similar to how it had gone that night, the night that had been absolutely, _permanently_ ingrained into my memory. She hovered for a few seconds and she stared at me hard, not being vocal this time and instead asking all of her questions with her eyes. She wanted to know if I wanted this, if she was going too far, but I think she could already sense that wasn’t the case just from how uneven my breath was already getting and the way I clung to her with white knuckles, pulling her closer. Despite all that, I nodded at her. I nodded over and over again, not caring if I seemed eager, because I really really did want it and that sort of startled me.

The next second she’d slid my underwear down just past my hips and I felt those fingers again, but instead of one, there were two. I swear my vision blurred and the whole room around me seemed to tremble, like it was floating away, like _I_ was floating away and if she hadn’t been on top of me I would’ve been on the ceiling. And despite how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep the noise I made back. I don’t even remember what it was, a whimper maybe, but all I cared about was that I’d made that noise and I shouldn’t have.

She leaned back down, whispering softly in my ear, “Shh, sweetie, you have to be quiet...” She sat up again and she pushed her fingers deeper, and I had to clamp one of my hands over my mouth to keep back what I knew would’ve been a yelp. I just watched her - entranced as she reached and undid the clasp of the pendant. She set it down carefully on my nightstand, her free hand reaching to grab the hem of the sweater she’d given me, “Don’t want to wake up your parents, do you?”

I just shook my head. Of course I didn’t. But that was so much easier said than done. All I wanted to do was _scream_ , from the way she was looking at me like I was beautiful, even though I knew my hair must’ve been staticy from being dry and that all my makeup had come off and my skin was flushed with heat and I couldn’t breathe. She tugged the sweater up, trying to get it off, but she was clumsy and uncoordinated with just one hand and couldn’t quite manage it. She was almost frantic. I sat up slightly, helping her, and as soon as it was gone she leaned down and left kisses on my collarbone, my shoulders, all my newly exposed skin. My back arched against her. Her nails trailed down my chest and scratched slightly, but I didn’t even flinch. It was like everywhere she touched was just... _burning_. Leaving marks that I’d feel for days. Like I’d never forget what her skin against mine felt like - like she’d never let me forget.

Despite being so utterly overwhelmed by her, by what she was _doing_ and how it _felt_ , there was an urge lingering in the back of my head that I wondered if I should act on. It was the only thought my brain was capable of processing, and between the small, airy noises I kept making every other second, I finally dared to ask her.

“C-can I touch you...?” I whispered so quietly and shakily I doubted she’d even be able to hear.

Her fingers actually stopped moving from my request, seeming caught off guard by it. She pulled back to meet my eyes, hers still burning like fire, though it was ever so slightly calmer than before, “Do you want to?”

I reached up, gently brushing my thumb along her cheek and I felt it warm from the contact. How was _that_ what made her blush, not what she was doing to me? God, sometimes she made no sense.

  
“Yes,” I breathed out desperately, letting my eyes wander. She still wore her own jeans and I wished she wasn’t, I wanted to be on even ground with her. With a trembling hand I reached down to the button of them, so incredibly uncertain of everything I was doing - only knowing for sure that I _wanted_ to, “Please.”

I don’t think either of us anticipated how badly I wanted this or how blatantly it’d show through in the tone to my voice. Even she seemed a bit rattled, not confirming anything with her words, instead just reaching down to the button and doing what I was too scared to. She pushed the denim past her thighs and fully off, one leg at a time, and my mind was buzzing and the blush on my cheeks only got redder. I mean, I’d seen it before, when she’d gotten in the hot tub that night, but... this was different somehow.

She straddled me again, those fingers still in me but not moving a single inch, and she just nodded, “Go ahead.”

She said that so simply, like it was self-explanatory, which it probably was, but I... was so nervous.

“I... I’ve never...” I didn’t know if I should even say it, if it even mattered since she sort of already knew that, or if I was just being stupid. I felt stupid, and for some reason I partially expected her to laugh. Maybe she’d think my inexperience was amusing or cute or something, but I felt so vulnerable and worried.

She didn’t laugh, though. She didn’t even smile, instead just letting out a shaky breath and whispering sweetly, “It’s okay.” She gently clasped my wrist and brought my hand closer, closer, between her legs and it felt like I couldn’t even breathe, and she paused for a second, “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

“I-I want to,” My response was instinctive, leaving me like a reflex. It wasn’t a question of desire, it was a question of not knowing how, and feeling dumb and too embarrassed to even admit that. But she was perceptive. Sooyoung was always perceptive, and she understood all my worries and uncertainties without me needing to tell her.

“Don’t be nervous. I’ll help you.” She whispered, and she finally pulled my hand even closer. She slipped it past the waistband of her lace (yes it was lace) underwear and I felt... what was there, and my heart was in my throat. It was the smallest little condolence, but her telling me not to be nervous somehow actually made the nerves go away. I have absolutely no idea how that worked, but it did, and I wasn’t going to complain. She wasn’t treating me like I was some inexperienced little girl who didn’t know any better; she was treating me better than that, and I was so impossibly relieved.

Her breath was getting uneven. It was subtle, and it was steady compared to mine, but she was affected and knowing that I was partially responsible for that was just sending me reeling. I... wanted to do more, I wasn’t doing anything, my hand was just... there.

She took a deep breath, angling my wrist, “Just... do what I’m doing.” For a brief second I didn’t understand what she meant, until I felt those fingers that had been stationary inside me start to move again. I pursed my lips, barely muffling a moan, and she stared at me hard with those burning eyes and I knew she wanted me to do the same to her.

So, perhaps I did, and the way that her breath got caught in her throat and her eyes scrunched shut and she bit her lower lip to keep herself quiet, was... I really couldn’t believe any of this was happening. Was I really doing _this_ to _Sooyoung_ , in my house, a room away from my sleeping parents, at what must’ve been almost 1 AM? Mere minutes after she’d helped me dry off my hair because I’d gotten soaked from the rain and was worried that I’d catch a cold if I stayed in my wet clothes? God, this didn’t even feel real. It didn’t, and I was starting to convince myself I’d just dreamt this up, but I made sure to move my fingers and try not to come totally undone from the way hers were still going, because I didn’t want this to end.

At some point she leaned back down, like sitting up took too much stability that she just didn’t have in her anymore. Her forehead rested against mine, both of us out of breath and _staring_ at each other. If I wasn’t so absolutely overwhelmed I would’ve been able to read what was behind her eyes, but I just couldn’t, there was no way, because I was getting that same feeling I’d gotten that night, like something was getting closer. I clung to her, grounding myself to reality. I could feel her balling up a fistful of the sheets at my side, and I knew she was struggling to stay quiet, and that was so validating for some reason.

And in what seemed like the next second, I felt my whole body clench up, every single nerve in me seeming to tingle and tremble, and I rose slightly off the bed but her weight kept me pinned. Her grip on the sheets next to me head tightened, and she knew she was going to make some sort of noise, so she muffled it by kissing me _hard_. Before I knew it we were done and panting and sweating and clutching onto each other, riding it out. I dug my nails into her without meaning to and her teeth accidentally snagged my lower lip but I didn’t care, _couldn’t_ care when I could feel her body jolting against me until she finally collapsed, breaking our kiss and trying to catch her breath.

Did that really just happen...?

She pulled her fingers out, rolling off of mine to instead lay at my side. For a while the two of us just stared up at my ceiling, panting, overheated, and dazed. My brain felt like it was absolute mush. For the first time in a while it wasn’t clouded with bustling, confusing thoughts, it was just... nothing, and it was content to be nothing. I could hear the rain still coming down against the window pane next to my bed and I loved hearing the sound, and I just remember shutting my eyes and letting myself listen to it. I was tired, so incredibly tired, and I turned on my side, resting my hand on her chest and moving to nestle my head in the crook of her neck--

\--Only for her to sit bolt upright, stretching her arms as if the motion was casual when it was pretty blatantly just a maneuver to avoid the new contact, “Phew. That was fun.” I stared at her, watching as she leaned over the side of the bed and retrieved her discarded shirt. She slipped it back on, not having so much as glanced at me, “We’ll have to do it again sometime.”

What...?  
  


I sat up slightly too, being tugged roughly straight back into harsh reality instead of that euphoric, dreamlike state I got to be in for those lingering moments, “What’re you doing?” She slung her legs over the side of the bed, grabbing her jeans and putting them back on as well.

“It’s pretty late, I’ve gotta head home.” She said that so casually. Like she’d just stopped by to say hi cuz she was in the neighborhood, not like we’d just... done what we did.

“What?” I reached closer, wanting to hold her, and wrapped my still slightly trembling hand around her slim arm. The contact seemed to catch her off guard and she stopped mid motion as she was buttoning up her jeans, “Wait, will you stay with me? You can spend the night.” I didn’t even flinch at how direct I was being because I didn’t care anymore. All I wanted was for her to crawl under the covers with me and let me snuggle against her as we both recovered from what we’d just done, but she was trying to bolt out the door.

She scoffed lightly and it felt like a slap across the face, “Won’t your parents get a bit concerned to find a stranger in your bed?”

I reached up, gently running my fingers through her hair and noticing the way her face fell slightly from the gesture. I was trying to show her that I _cared_. God, I cared so _much_ about her and I just wanted her to _stay_ with me, “I don’t care. I just want to lay here with you.”

She went quiet for a few, lingering seconds, the air heavy and dense, and she didn’t move. Something changed behind her eyes and I thought I was getting somewhere, that I’d persuaded her, and my hopes came back for the briefest of moments before disappearing all over again.

“I really have to go. I have a photoshoot early tomorrow.” She finished buttoning her jeans and shot to her feet, my grasp on her faltering once she took a few steps from the bed and was out of my reach. I could’ve followed her or something, maybe insisted more. I knew that. But I abruptly felt exposed and vulnerable and... just... not good. I pulled my blanket up over my chest, watching, dumbstruck as she headed toward my door, “Night Jiwoo, sleep well.” She waved vaguely at me, not even matching my gaze, before ducking out of my sight and heading down my stairs. I didn’t move an inch until I heard her car on the road start up and pull off down the street.

I took a deep, shaky breath, laying back down on my bed, and only then noticing something.

The necklace. She’d left it there. In her haste to get away from me, she’d forgotten it. Or had she left it on purpose... because she didn’t want it anymore?

My chest hurt. It ached so badly I clutched at it with weak fingers, wondering why. It hurt to even breathe. I curled up, hugging myself, staring at the way that passing headlights on the street would reflect off the silver swan pendant left abandoned on my nightstand. My eyes burned so badly but I wouldn’t let myself cry. That was stupid. Jiwoo, don’t cry. What was there to cry over...? That Sooyoung had... done that, and then left? Maybe she really was busy. Maybe she really had that shoot to be at in the morning...

...maybe she didn’t care about me.

I shut my eyes tightly, pressing my hands against them. No. No tears. Please, _please_ no tears. I could feel them coming on, making my throat get all tight, but I swallowed them down, curling into a tighter ball and trying to ignore the way I could still smell her perfume slightly lingering around my room.

***

She was texting me still. She was texting me politely and casually and a bit more frequently than before but it felt... wrong. I felt wrong. I felt like something was off, like all my paranoia I used to dismiss as anxious lesbian overthinking was warranted. The optimism that I’d always thought was such an intrinsic, unchanging part of me was extinguished down to the tiniest little spark, I barely even felt it anymore.

The next day at school, I felt shaky and unstable. I had my first class with Yeojin and she was a bit too excited about something I can’t recall to actually notice how out of it I was. I wouldn’t really talk. I wouldn’t even look at anyone. I’d spent a solid twenty minutes that morning just staring at the pendant still on my nightstand, wondering where I’d gone wrong, wondering if she’d meant to leave it, if she wanted it in the first place, if I’d made a huge mistake ever getting her that at all, if I was totally out of line to assume we’d reached a gift-giving level, if I was out of line for assuming we were even anything to begin with.

My next class we always called the “unnie” class jokingly because it mainly just didn’t have Yerim or Yeojin. Jungeun, Heejin, Hyunjin, Chae and I all sat in the back corner of the room. At some point the teacher let us do our homework and discuss the material because he was a pretty chill guy that hated his job, so as we typically did, we all shoved our desks into a conjoined cluster and started to chat about totally unrelated things.

Hyunjin poked repeatedly at Heejin’s arm with the eraser of her pencil, “Let me copy.”

Heejin sighed, rolling her eyes and suppressing a smile, “You should do your own work, babe...” She mumbled, turning her body slightly away as Hyunjin tried to crane her neck to look at her paper.

“I’ve got practice tonight, I don’t have time. Lemme copy.” She poked her faster, knowing that Heejin’s resistance to her begging would only last a minute longer at most.

Heejin pursed her lips, “Oh you don’t have time? Literally what are you doing right now besides harassing me?” She asked gently, her resolve visibly crumbling.

I was only half-listening to their little back and forth. Jungeun was taking this opportunity to fully immerse herself in a text conversation with who I already knew was Jinsol, not paying even the slightest bit of attention to any of us. Chae seemed distracted as well, not so much doing her work or listening to their banter, instead just staring off at nothing and scribbling little circles on the margins of her worksheet.

Meanwhile, I was festering. Stewing. I needed help, advice, _anything_ , but I wasn’t sure how to word it or what to say. Chae knew nothing about this. Jungeun only knew a little. Nobody here knew what had happened last night, but it felt like it was eating me alive and I just... needed to talk about it, despite being embarrassed.

Hyunjin scoffed, pouting, “School doesn’t _matter_ , just let me copyyyyy.”

Heejin laughed under her breath, “That was the jockiest thing I’ve ever heard you say, god, you’re such a--”

“--Sooyoung brought me home from work last night at 1 AM and had sex with me and then left.”

Our cluster went dead silent, something that almost _never_ happened. Hyunjin literally dropped her pencil from her hand and it clattered onto the desk, nearly rolling off onto the floor. Heejin’s lips remained parted, like she was going to finish her sentence, but instead her eyes just widened. Jungeun looked up before setting her phone down on her desk, despite it buzzing repeatedly from what must’ve been texts from Jinsol. She didn’t even care, not even flinching or glancing back at it. Chae’s head turned to me but I wouldn’t look at her, or anyone really, instead just staring down at the floor as a blush came to my cheeks full force. I couldn’t believe I’d just blurted it out like that. It needed to come out, so I guess it sort of did, but I definitely could’ve worded it a bit more gently.

Heejin cleared her throat, “Um, I’m sorry, what was that?” She almost sounded scared. Like she wanted nothing more than to have misheard me, but she hadn’t. And I think she knew that. My mind flashed back to when she’d pulled me aside in the hallway and called Sooyoung a heartbreaker. Back then I’d managed to dismiss it as just rumors, but now...?

Hyunjin leaned forward, pushing her desk across the floor from how intense the gesture was, “Um. UM. UMMM. BITCH,” She wasn’t shouting, being a bit better at her volume management than Jungeun had been back in the Roost, “ _What._ ”

I felt a soft hand abruptly clasp mine on my desk, and I hadn’t noticed until the contact that I’d been visibly trembling. Chae held onto me and it caught me so off guard I managed to look at her. I’d partially expected her to be mad I hadn’t told her sooner, we were best friends and she should’ve been the first to know probably, but I’d been stupid and nervous and worried and kept it all in. In an _instant,_ just from that simple, slight, intuitive contact, I regretted it. I regretted not calling her as soon as I’d left Sooyoung’s that night in the hot tub, telling her everything that had happened, opening up to her about my deepest fears and worries about this and just trying to get comfort and help. I was stupid. I was just stupid, but I already knew that.

Jungeun sighed in mild surprise, “Wow, she really went for round two huh?”

“WHAAAAT?” Hyunjin wasn’t very good at keeping _that_ response quiet, which was honestly valid.

The teacher stood from his desk slightly and gestured at us with a glare to be quieter. Heejin looked at him apologetically while Hyunjin just scooted her desk even closer. Another move and she’d probably bump mine with hers.

Chae’s grip on my hand tightened slightly, squeezing my fingers, “It’s happened twice?” Her voice was... strangely detached. Like she was still spacing out a bit, even now. That was weird, I thought she’d be instantly invested, and she sort of was, but it was kind of off. Like something else was still on her mind, something that was demanding even more of her attention. And for a second or two I forgot all my own troubles, wondering intensely what was going on with her.

We hadn’t been talking nearly enough to one another about our respective love lives and that was just gross - we were best friends and we’d always told each other everything, I didn’t like how unintentionally secretive we were being. I squeezed her fingers back, trying to show her with my eyes that we needed to talk soon, and she understood it, even from the slightest little glance.

I sighed, using my free hand to slightly shield my face due to how red I knew my cheeks were, “I... yeah. The first time was a week or so ago... and now, last night. I’m...”

Heejin was speaking so softly and cautiously I could almost barely hear her, “She left? Like, what, she...? You guys... did that, and then she left?”

I nodded, “Yeah... like... she came over, a-and I was all wet cuz I’d been walking in the rain, and she said she wanted to stay and make sure I changed so I wouldn’t catch a cold but then... she just...” I blushed harder, in a state of weird denial where I couldn’t even imagine that I’d done that - _we’d_ done that, and that it had really happened, “... and after, I asked her to stay. All I wanted was for her to just _stay_...” I hated how strained my voice sounded, like it was moments away from breaking, “... but she left. Like it was nothing.”

Hyunjin made a _tsk_ ing sound, shaking her head back and forth and narrowing her eyes. Chae brushed her thumb along the back of her hand gently, knowing how shaken up I was better than anyone else here would’ve been able to. She scooted her chair closer to me, shifting one of her arms to wrap it loosely around my middle, and I felt just a bit more stable. Like I could actually talk about this without breaking down.

Heejin took a deep, measured breath, meshing her fingers together on the table and looking at me with more empathy than pity, which I really did appreciate, “Did she have any sort of excuse? Like, did she say why she was leaving?”

I shrugged, silently thankful that my eyes weren’t stinging yet, “She... said she had a photoshoot in the morning. And... she thought it’d be weird for my parents to just find us in my bed...? Which I guess is... fair? But... I didn’t care about that, so why would she...?”

“She’s lying.” Jungeun piped up, sneering slightly.

My stomach started filling with painful, _painful_ knots, “What?” Chae heard the fear in my voice and tightened her grip on me, trying to be as supportive as she could.

“She’s lying. She just didn’t want to stay. I don’t want to speak for her and say _why_ she didn’t want to stay, but... she just didn’t want to stay.” Jungeun seemed to realize mid-statement that she was being harsh and tried to cushion it toward the end by changing her tone, but what she said had been said, and it really hit me.

Heejin jumped in, sensing that it was hard for me to hear that, “What Jungeun means, Jiwoo, is that you should be careful.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin spoke up matter-of-factly, “You’ve gotta watch out. She’s acting... shady. I don’t like it.” Her arms crossed and she shook her head, nose wrinkled up like she’d smelled something gross.

My whole body started to tremble, “What do you mean careful? Like...? What am I supposed to do?” I felt myself starting to tear up, but I swallowed hard, trying to keep it in, clenching my hands into fists and probably hurting Chae’s fingers but I couldn’t help it, “I don’t know what to do... someone just tell me what I should do, I have no idea what I’m doing.” I whispered, feeling stupid admitting that but just wanting _help._ I wanted clarity, I wanted instruction, I wanted advice that made sense and left me feeling better instead of worse about this whole thing, but a painfully realistic part of me knew that wasn’t too likely. 

Heejin inched forward, reaching her hands out to the edge of her desk as if she wanted to clasp mine, her row scrunching up in worry, “No, sweetie, it’s ok, just... I’m kind of worried, and I don’t want you to get hurt. That’s the absolute last thing I want.”

Hyunjin tilted her head curiously at me, “What _do_ you know for sure? If anything?”

I shrugged slightly, my chest still having that dull, subtle ache to it that it’d had ever since Sooyoung left me in my room all alone, “I... I know that I really really like her. I think about her all the time, she gives me butterflies and she makes my heart just go _crazy_ , and... I know that I don’t want to give up on this, but... I’m _so_ scared.” My voice broke on the last word and everyone in the cluster scooted their desks closer, as if gravitating toward me from my sign of distress. Chae pulled me tighter against her, frowning bitterly.

And that little falter made Chae finally speak up, “Your feelings are valid. They’re so valid and you shouldn’t have to pretend they aren’t there.”

Hyunjin hummed thoughtfully, like she was really exerting a lot of effort to give me the best advice she could come up with, “When I say be careful, I guess I should actually be telling _her_ to be careful. If that bitch hurts you I’ll literally kill her.” She punched her fist into the palm of her hand and I knew she was barely even kidding. Hyunjin really would beat her up.

Jungeun sighed lightly, “I know you like her, Jiwoo, and yeah that’s valid and very sweet, but... I think you deserve better.”

Heejin and Hyunjin both nodded in unison at that sentiment, as if they’d been considering whether or not to say it but had decided against it. I had no idea it was such a unanimous sentiment and that just made my chest tighten even more.

Because the issue there was that, even if that was true, even if I did somehow “deserve” better, I didn’t _want_ “better.” I just wanted Sooyoung. But I was too scared to say that because it made me sound desperate. It made me sound pathetic and whipped for a girl who might not even care about me, and I didn’t want pity. That was the last thing I wanted.

“I...” I sniffled slightly and they all scooted closer again, more than ready to probably all pounce on me at once if I so much as shed a single tear, “I don’t know. I just don’t know. I... I guess... I’ll just leave it? And see where it goes...?” I wasn’t even remotely sure of what I was saying, but in hindsight it was the truth. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to take any sort of initiative because I was too scared of potential bad outcomes. There were potential good outcomes of speaking my mind, too, but I just... I was too scared, and at least I could admit that to myself.

Chae curled her fingers gently against my side, as if reminding me she was there, “Yeah. I think that’ll be okay... who knows, maybe she’s moving so fast because she really likes you? You’ve gone on dates, right? Dates are pretty much reserved for people you at _least_ think are cute.” It was like Chae was the embodiment of my old optimism that had been sadly missing lately. Despite it being relatively familiar, it didn’t have much impact.

“You’re too good for her, so she’d be an idiot for losing her chance.” Jungeun told me simply, reaching down and picking her phone back up to respond to Jinsol. Her doing that showed me that this conversation was over, more or less, or she at least considered her job to be done.

I sighed shakily, moving to clasp Chae’s hand with both of mine, “Just... if I’m a bit quiet, or... gloomy for the next few days, it’s from this. So... I dunno, don’t worry about it?”

Heejin frowned, “Jiwoo you can’t just tell us not to worry about you. We love you. We’re gonna be worried.” I remembered back at the start of all this when Heejin was the most cautious of everyone. I remembered when she sort of blamed herself for planting the idea in my head in the first place, but that turned out to be even more unwarranted than before, because honestly she may’ve been right this whole time.

I smiled. It was slight and small, but it wasn’t forced, and I was grateful for that. I was grateful for them. Although I wouldn’t say something as strong as they’d made me feel better, they’d made me feel something besides all this uncertainty and hollowness. They made me feel like myself again, and I knew that they’d always be able to do that, no matter how all this turned out.

The cluster more or less went back to their actual work, nobody really knowing what else to say. The class wore on and on, but again, I couldn’t bring myself to think about much of anything besides Sooyoung. What else was new?

At some point I considered maybe going for a walk around the halls a bit, just for a change of scenery, so I got to my feet. Chae’s hold on me hadn’t faded, even after she’d gone back to doing her work, so when I stood up she clung sweetly to my shirt and looked up at me, confused. Clingy Chae was so impossibly precious.

“I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” I told her, not mentioning that I planned on heading to the one furthest away from our class.

“Oh,” She shuffled up and out of her chair, “Can I come?”

I just nodded, her grip shifting to instead loosely intertwine our fingers together as I tugged the two of us out the door. Once we were in the hall, I half expected her to say something. Like I’d mentioned, she’d just seemed really distracted and out of it all day, even during the conversation we’d just had. Like, of course she’d put attention on me and was concerned and wanted to help, but I knew and could sense that there was something else lingering around her that never went away and I wanted to know what it was. It wasn’t totally unusual for her to tag along with me wherever I went, and I’d do the same to her pretty often, but this time I felt like there was an ulterior motive of wanting some privacy.

We made it all the way to the bathroom, Chae not once questioning why we were going to basically the other side of the school. Once we got inside, I released my grip on her and checked my makeup and stuff in the mirror, washing my hands, trying to pretend like I wasn’t just waiting for her to drop something on me. She stood over my shoulder but I subtly eyed her in the mirror, watching as she fiddled with her fingers and stared at the floor.

Finally, as I was about to break the silence with forced smalltalk, she blurted something out that threw me for a bit of a loop, “I love her.”

I spun on my heel in an instant, wiping my wet hands on my skirt, “Huh?”

Oh no, she was already getting all teary. No no, none of that. God, sad Chae was the _worst_ thing ever and I just _hated_ it so _much._ I stepped closer, her voice much more timid and soft when she repeated herself, “I love her...” Her lip was quivering. I pouted, like that would solve literally anything, and stepped closer again.

“What? Who? What’s wrong?” I didn’t mean to bombard her or be frantic, but I really hadn’t anticipated her crying in the middle of this bathroom and I was worried someone nosy would barge in. Although I didn’t have solid evidence to support it I could make a safe assumption that Chae wouldn’t much like being eavesdropped on or overhead right about now.

The first few tears left and ghosted slowly down her cheeks, her full confession spoken so quietly I strained my ears to hear it, “I love Hyejoo, and she doesn’t care about me.”

Ow. God that hurt to hear. She sounded so incredibly _hurt_ and _fragile_ , vulnerable even, like it was indescribably difficult to force that out. I realized only then that she probably had never said it aloud before. This was a really significant step for her and I was grateful she’d felt comfortable enough to do this with me.

“Oh no, sweetie don’t cry...” I reached up, gently brushing those tears away with my thumbs and being sort of surprised when they weren’t instantly replaced by more. Somehow she was keeping it all back, reducing her breakdown to just a few sniffles and some rapid blinking.

“I’m... not gonna cry.” She sighed in what I read partially as frustration, “God, I’ve cried enough over this.”

The thought of her crying alone, by herself, without me there to hug her and tell her she was the best person in the entire world and deserved to be treated like a princess made me _so_ upset. My chest tightened and I stepped even closer, finally wrapping her in my arms and squeezing her for good measure, “Lovely... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. She’s missing out, it’s her loss. You’re the best person I’ve ever met and you deserve so so much unconditional love.”

She hugged me back weakly, as if that was the strongest grip she could muster, “It’s not her fault, I-I can’t make her care about me, but, I... it hurts...” I clung to her harder, not surprised when I felt her whole body shudder. She didn’t like being this vulnerable and I knew that from experience, but here she was, pouring her heart out to me and I couldn’t have been more appreciative, “Jiwoo I’ve never felt this much for someone a-and she won’t even look at me anymore.”

I glared at nothing, at the bathroom wall, really, feeling a misguided anger building up that had nowhere to go. It was really just stemming from the intrinsic, intense protectiveness I had always had over Chae, how I wanted to beat anything up that so much as made her bright smile fade for even a second. One time when we were nine she’d tripped over a branch and scraped her knee and I’d snapped it into pieces with a personal vendetta. Doing that to Hyejoo probably wouldn’t be the _best_ or most effective idea, but I couldn’t deny that I wanted to at least have a few strong words with her.

But I swallowed it down, exerting conscious effort into being rational, “Sweetie... why won’t she talk to you...?” That part didn’t make much sense to me. The two used to be borderline inseparable. Also, _how could you ignore Park Chaewon in any capacity,_ ** _especially_** if you were her close friend for like months??? That wasn’t even?? Possible?????

She shrugged slightly, “I don’t know. She’s just avoiding me. She must hate me.”

My grip on her tightened as I scoffed, probably so much that it almost was uncomfortable but I couldn’t help it. That was literally the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. Someone “hating” Chae? Ha! Absolutely not. “That’s literally impossible, so, no. It’s something else. You should talk to her.” I was starting to get convinced that it must be some sort of miscommunication. Yeah, I didn’t know Hyejoo that well, but I knew she was super shy. Whatever was going on, she was probably just too scared to talk about, so Chae had to take the lead.

She laughed bitterly and I didn’t like it, “I can’t even get her in the same room as me.”

I frowned, my brow furrowing in determination as I started to rub soft circles along her back, “You just can’t take no for an answer. I mean I know I don’t know everything about this situation but you can’t leave this unsaid, honey. One way or another you have to talk to her and tell her that even if she doesn’t like you that way, you want to be around her... you guys were really good friends once right?” She nodded weakly into my shoulder. I could tell she was listening intently to my spiel, really trying to take it to heart, “Then she probably misses that. Just ask if things can go back to the way they were before... whatever happened between you two.” It was hard to give proper advice without really knowing the specifics, but I was doing my very best, “I’ve seen the way she looks at you, Chae, and saying she doesn’t care just isn’t true. She might not... feel _exactly_ the same way, but she does care.” That was absolutely true. Every time I looked at Hyejoo she was just staring holes into Chae. Someone who “didn’t care” wouldn’t do that.

Chae sniffled again, curling her fingers against me, “I... thank you. I can’t believe you’re still helping me like this when you have so much to deal with...”

I raised an eyebrow, “What? Of course I’m helping you, I would literally take a bullet for you.”

She chuckled slightly, faintly, the sound barely even there, “As if. You cry if you stub your toe.”

“And? I’d also cry if I got shot, but I’d cry _more_ if _you_ got shot.”

She giggled again, “Wow, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard...” After taking a deep breath that somehow seemed to restore absolutely all of her composure, she pulled away from my hold on her and matched my gaze, “Do you think I could sleepover tonight? We can eat ice cream and maybe I can cry some more in a less public setting.” I’d nearly forgotten where we were. Honestly I was amazed nobody had barged in to this emotional little exchange we had but I wasn’t gonna complain.

“Absolutely, angel. You never have to ask.”


	6. Shaky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Sooyoung's house prompts her to finally open up.

I stared up at my ceiling, letting my mind wander and go wherever it wanted, even if it hurt to think about. I held the pendant loosely in my hand, turning it over and around, feeling the engravings of the feathers and feeling my heartbeat quicken when I thought of the context in which Sooyoung took it off. Chae’s head was resting on my chest and I played with her hair, not knowing if she’d dozed off or was just letting herself get lost in her own head like I was doing. She’d put some random Oh My Girl song on and it softly drifted through the room, the comforting sound almost enough to make me sleep, but my buzzing mind was just enough to keep me up.

“Should I give it back to her?” I asked softly, quiet enough not to wake her if she had fallen asleep.

I felt her stir, realizing she’d been awake, and she looked up at me for a few seconds, “Give what? The necklace?” I nodded slowly, twirling the chain around my fingers. It was oddly relaxing for some reason, “Hm. Do you think you should?”

That was a good question. Too good of a question, because I really didn’t have a solid answer. I wanted someone to _tell_ me what to do, because if I was left to my own devices I’d just wait around endlessly for whenever Sooyoung decided she wanted to see me again, and _god_ the waiting was the worst part. I wasn’t sure what to do with this necklace because I still had absolutely no idea why Sooyoung had left it in the first place.

“I dunno. If she didn’t want it, and she left it on purpose, then I’d just look desperate and stupid for returning it, right?” My hand started to tremble. She noticed, cuddling more deliberately against me and tracing soft patterns along the fabric of my baggy pajama sweater.

“It’d probably show her that you care. So if you want her to know that, I’d say do it.”

I paused for a few moments, thinking about it, “She knows I care. It’d be impossible not to know I care. I haven’t exactly been subtle about it. She, on the other hand...” Saying that Sooyoung was “subtle” about her feelings was probably the biggest understatement in the entire world.

Chae sighed, sensing my distress and frustration and how fed up I was with things, and empathizing more than anyone else possibly could, “I know, I know... but, what if she didn’t leave it on purpose? What if she was just, in a rush or whatever, and forgot it? Like, picture her getting all the way back to her house and then reaching up to take it off before going to bed and freaking out when she realized it wasn’t there.” My heart wrenched at that image, “And I bet that’s like, so embarrassing, to leave something at someone’s place after a hookup, right? I feel like she wouldn’t be the type to ever admit she’d forgotten it or ask for it back, so the ball’s really in your court.”

She was right. And god did I really really need her dose of optimism because mine was more than out of commission lately. Maybe Sooyoung had just left it on accident. Maybe she wanted it back but was too shy and bad with emotions to know how to ask. Maybe she was hoping for me to notice it on my own and be like “oops! You left this!” the next time we saw each other - whenever the hell that would be. Maybe I should stop looking at everything under the worst possible lens and start trying to remember what it was like to consider good outcomes. Happy outcomes that didn’t leave my chest feeling hollow. I missed those.

I stopped playing with her hair, instead opting to simply run my hand along her back, “Yeah... maybe you’re right.”

“Have you ever been the one to initiate a hangout with her?”

The question caught me a bit off guard, and I paused to think about my answer for a few moments, “Um... no. Not really. Whenever I ask if she’s free she just deflects it and says she’s busy.”

“Then don’t ask. Invite her over, give her like a clear plan instead of asking about her schedule. It’s harder to avoid a concrete invite than it is to just say ‘oh I have a test’ or something.” She was right. Chae wasn’t the brightest in school but she was really intuitive and insightful with social situations. I felt really dumb for not having come to her sooner about all of this. She should’ve been my #1 from my start, I guess I just sort of felt weird talking about my semi-successful love life when I felt like hers was in absolute turmoil.

I frowned, “You’re right. I should... she’s always been the forward one, I think it’s about my turn, right?” That was supposed to sound more confident than it actually did. Because even though I knew this was a good idea, that it was a solid plan and probably the best thing I could do right now, I was never certain of anything I did when it came to Sooyoung anymore. She made me question absolutely everything, every gesture, every shift of tone, every second of eye contact, trying to add meaning that might not have even been there, taking meaning away from things that might’ve been her way of telling me something. I was never sure, and that was one of the most frustrating things.

Chae shifted a bit, tapping her fingers gently where my heart was, “Do it now! I can help you think of what to say!” She was getting all excited. She loved stuff like this. It reminded me of late nights back in middle school where we’d send risky texts to people we had crushes on, over analyzing every single word we sent them while we waited in anticipation for responses and giggled with each other.

I sat up, leaning against my headboard. She still loosely clung to me even as I moved, instead curling against my side and resting her head on my shoulder. Chae was normally really clingy, but this was a lot, even for her. I think she just felt vulnerable and just wanted someone to hold her, which I was more than glad to do. Finally setting down the necklace in the spot it’d been in, I picked up my phone from my nightstand with one hand, making sure to start playing with her hair again with my other one. Her body relaxed slightly from the contact, having gotten a bit tense. I didn’t like when she was tense.

I pulled up Sooyoung’s contact, looking briefly at the last text exchange we’d had. It was so minor. Basically nothing, really. Of course I’d been the last one to text, that was always how it went. Which left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Okay, so...”

Before I even had a chance to wonder, Chae was already giving me a very specific text to send, expecting me to type it word for word, “Just be casual! Say, ‘hey, would you want to maybe come over sometime tomorrow night if you’re free? I don’t have work, we could watch a movie or something!’”

I frowned slightly, surprised, “Tomorrow night? That soon?”

“Yeah! The sooner the better. What, you want to let your sex sit for a while?”

I sputtered, really not used to her being so crude, “What? Wh-- no! Just--? That’s... early!” She glared slightly at me, unamused, and I tried to justify myself some more, “I-I mean, I just saw her! Right? Isn’t that a bit, I dunno, eager, to just invite her over again so soon?”

“No. And what do you mean by ‘saw her,’ you mean she drove you home and you had sex then she left? Oh yeah, what a great talk you guys had.” I think even she realized that she was being harsh, and she hadn’t meant to. When we talked we tended to tease, and sometimes teasing went a bit farther than we wanted it to. She saw the way my face fell, and the way my fingers froze while twirling a strand of her hair, “Sorry. I’m... uh, just listen, I don’t think it’s too early. Really. If anything, it’s better to do it now because you’re still on her mind.”

I sighed, “You don’t know that...” I doubted it. I genuinely doubted that Sooyoung thought about me even a fraction of as much as I thought about her, and that was sad, and something I didn’t want to admit, but it was true. I bet I only came to mind when she wanted to... do something with someone.

“Hey.” She tightened her grip on my sweater, forcing me to meet her eyes, “Don’t think sad stuff. I can tell you are.” I blinked hard, starting to shake my head back and forth, but she clenched her fist tighter, balling up more of the fabric of my sweater, “You are. Stop it.”

“I’m not...” I muttered softly. I was. I absolutely was, I almost always was nowadays, and that sucked, but it was true.

I could tell she was gonna start protesting again, so before she had the chance I just started to type out what she’d told me. I didn’t have any better ideas, so I didn’t bother trying to switch it up in any way, there was no point.

“Are you gonna send it...?” She asked me softly, after letting a small silence settle in. I hadn’t even realized that I’d stared down at the text for what must’ve been a solid minute. I was second-guessing myself. I shouldn’t have been, but I was.

Taking a quick breath, I forced my thumb onto the send button, instinctively almost wanting to throw my phone across the bed from the sudden flood of nervous energy that coursed straight into me. Chae felt how tense I got, and she nuzzled her head further into the side of my neck.

“It’s okay! It’s good! I’m proud of you!!” She reached up, poking at my cheek gently with her fingers just to get a smile out of me, “Does she usually respond quick?” She was bouncing up and down slightly, antsy and wanting an answer. I wished I shared her excitement, but I was wracked with nerves. Not the good kind, either. The kind that make your stomach hurt and your chest all tight. Nice, fluttery Sooyoung-butterflies were getting fewer and farther between, being replaced by these uncomfortable Sooyoung-nerves.

I shrugged, letting out a long breath, “It really depends. Most of the time I’d say that--” My thought was cut short by my phone buzzing in my hand. Chae gasped, clinging to me so tight I felt her nails scrape slightly on my skin.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : what movie?_

I had my read receipts on for Sooyoung, so she knew I was staring at the conversation, which definitely wasn’t ideal but it was too late now. Chae frantically slapped my arm over and over, not knowing how to get her excitement out.

“What do I say?? What movie????” I asked her in a whisper for some reason, as if Sooyoung could hear my voice over text.

Chae for once seemed to be at a bit of a loss, “I dunno!! Make her choose?”

I sighed at the lack of solid advice, honestly wanting nothing more than to be told what to do in this situation, and typed something out quickly.

_whatever you want!_

Chae nodded repeatedly against my shoulder, half hiding her face there. For all her tough talk about initiative, she was getting cold feet pretty damn quick once I was actually having the conversation.

Sooyoung read it in an instant as well, making me feel a little less weird about my situation. Chae’s grip on me tightened as those little dots came up, the anticipation feeling like it was about to kill us.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : my house is better for movies_

“What??” Chae whispered too, “What’s that supposed to mean? Is she inviting you over?? Is she deflecting your invite with her own invite????”

I shushed her, needing to let myself think. Why had she disregarded my invitation so flippantly? Did she really just want me to go to her house? What made a house “better for movies?” A bigger TV or something? I wished more than anything that she’d actually given me a tour that time I’d been there, because I could gauge if there actually _was_ a big TV, if it actually _was_ better for movies, or if she was lying for some reason.

I swallowed hard, taking a deep breath and typing something back.

_Oh! then maybe i could go over there...?_

It sounded weak and uncertain. I couldn’t even be confident about this over text, there was just no way. I didn’t want to invite myself if I wasn’t actually invited, but I wasn’t sure how else to read her text. Chae had thought it was an invite too, so if I was overstepping my bounds then it was Sooyoung’s fault for being vague. Right?

_♡ sooyoung♡ : my mom’s home tomorrow night_

My brow scrunched up in further confusion. So...? Why did that matter?

Chae didn’t let me think, instead quickly whispering, “Say you’d love to meet her.”

“Huh?”

She didn’t respond, instead suddenly reaching over and snatching my phone from my hand. I fumbled for only a second, grasping after her frantically to try and get it back, but then just gave up. I trusted her. She wouldn’t do anything too bad, right? I just watched as she sat out of my reach at the foot of my bed, her fingers quickly darting across the screen for a second or two before she tossed my phone back into my lap.

_that’s okay, i’d love to meet her_ ^.^

I stared at the message she’d sent and thought for a few long moments. I had a feeling it’d throw her off. I think she’d told me her mom was there as an effort to get out of hanging out, but... then why’d she invite me over in the first place? Especially if she knew her mom was there? Was she just trying to change the day we hungout, because if she wanted to hangout another day when her mom wasn’t there then I wouldn’t mind...

My phone buzzed and Chae lunged back to be at my side, craning her neck to see what was said.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : yeah sure_

Chae latched onto my arm with both of her hands with a death grip, “She said yes!! Jiwoo she said yes!!”

I nodded, the faintest traces of a smile coming to my face, “Yeah...”

“Look at you taking initiative! This is good okay? I know you might be feeling weird, but it’s good, I promise.” She moved, wrapping her arms around my middle. I decided against saying anything else to Sooyoung, instead setting my phone down on the nightstand and daring to run my finger gently along the pendant. 

I’m not sure what it was, if it was my Chae’s attempts at positivity rubbing off on me or if it was my own optimism desperately trying to resurface, but a small spark was coming back in me. For the first time in a while, I felt a hope, a genuine, real hope in Sooyoung and I getting closer. I took a deep breath, resting my head against Chae’s and asking weakly, “I just have to spend more time with her.”

Chae squeezed me slightly, “Yeah!”

I lifted the pendant into my hand, clenching it in my fist and doing my best to explain all the different thoughts in my brain, trying to be honest with Chae and get her advice instead of weirdly not sharing things with her, “If she sees what I’m like more, if we maybe have better experiences and if we get closer, maybe she’ll like me...”

“She already likes you Jiwoo. How could someone not like you?” Her voice was doing that thing, the thing it did when she could tell I was upset and it got all soft and comforting and it made my bustling thoughts actually start to sort themselves out.

I frowned slightly, finding all the positive reinforcement not out of place but not sinking in like it used to, “It’s not as impossible as you’re acting...”

I could sense her pout without needing to look at it, “Well I think she likes you. Really I do.” It wasn’t that I didn’t believe _she_ believed it, more so that it took so much effort for _me_ to believe it.

But I was trying. I was trying because I was sick of the hollowness my chest had, the unfamiliar way my brain worked, the sadness that lingered around me throughout the day.

“I hope so...” I sighed lightly, reaching and starting to play with Chae’s hair again. It relaxed her, of course, but the repetitive motion somehow managed to calm me down a bit too, “I really really like her... it’s kinda scary.” I needed to open up about this. Chae deserved to know everything, every single detail, and nothing less.

She was leaning her head further onto my shoulder and I knew it was because she was getting sleepy. Part of me wondered if I should stop talking about this and just let her rest, but I don’t think she wanted to stop either.

“Why is that scary? It’s supposed to be a good thing.” It was strange to hear her say that, considering how she’d almost burst into tears earlier that day because of her own unrequited love for Hyejoo. That arguably wasn’t a “good thing,” yet here she was trying to tell me that. I think partially she was being overly optimistic for my love life because she couldn’t be that way with her own, and the thought of that made my chest tighten.

“Because I don’t know how I’ll deal with it if she... doesn’t.” I couldn’t even say it all the way, so yeah, I definitely doubted my ability to accept anything even remotely close to rejection, “I’m... really attached, that’s all. I’ve never felt like this.” This went so much further than just a flippant crush on a girl I thought was pretty. It had never really been that, even at the start. I’d always felt something, I’d always felt this connection that I couldn’t ignore, even before I knew her name.

Chae shifted slightly, her grip on me loosening and her fingers instead shifting to trace along the seams of the sweater her mother had hand-knit me, “...well, whatever happens, I’ll be here. The whole time. For all of it.” The optimistic inflection to her tone was gone. It was gone, leaving only the skeleton of reality in its place, and it was sobering to hear. While it still sounded like she was dozing off, I couldn’t have been more awake.

I tilted my head to better face hers, gently kissing her temple. I could feel her relaxing even more into me, really starting to sleep now, “I’m here for you too, whenever you feel up for talking about Hyejoo or anything... but you know that don’t you?” I almost didn’t expect a response, her breathing had started to even out and the motion of her fingers had stopped as they went limp against me.

I felt her nod ever so slightly, resting her head against my chest and letting herself finally fall asleep. And I actually did manage to join her a few minutes after, my emotions having been running so high the whole day that the exhaustion finally caught up to me.

***

I was antsy. Full of jitters. I couldn’t tell if they were butterflies or nerves, but whichever they were, there were so many I could barely inhale without my whole body trembling violently. I think a part of it was excitement. There was always residual excitement from the realization of being able to see Sooyoung, to interact with her, talk to her, maybe even touch her. Another part of it was the anticipation. I’d been pacing in front of my front door for what must’ve been nearly thirty minutes, my parents asking me multiple times what I was doing and why I couldn’t just sit down.

I finally did cave and tell my mom I had a date, which I instantly regretted because she followed that up with about seventy other questions, including but not limited to: what’s her name, where does she go to school, why haven’t I met this girl yet, is it one of your friends or someone new, invite her here I want to make her dinner, do I know her parents, is she nice, is this the first date, etc. I only answered if I had the chance before she asked the the next question, and half the time I didn’t.

Sooyoung was picking me up. At 7. It was 7:10, and my heart was in my throat. I held onto her necklace in my hand and I couldn’t tell you how many times I considered just shoving it back into the drawer of my nightstand and pretending it didn’t exist, but it was hers. I’d bought it for her, and I’d given it to her, and whether or not she wanted it, it was hers. She should have it back. She’d left it. Even if it was on purpose, she’d left it and she should have it. Despite repeating that sentiment over and over and over again in my head, it wasn’t sinking in. As the minutes dragged on I kept looking back toward the stairs, wondering if I should just quickly run up and put the necklace away before Sooyoung showed up.

But then I didn’t have that choice anymore.

“Oh! Jiwoo honey, I think that’s her car!” My mom’s chipper voice pulled me out of the sixtieth time I thought about rushing upstairs. I jumped slightly from what she’d said, looking out the window I’d hovered by. Sure enough, a car I instantly recognized as Sooyoung’s had pulled up right in front of my house.

“Ahh! I’ve gotta go mom, love you, bye!” I tugged my door open but was held in place when she clasped my wrist for a brief moment.

“Good luck sweetie!” As soon as she’d released me I was already down my front steps, but I made sure to spin on my heel and mouth a thank you to her. Who knows? Maybe I really did need that luck.

The night was light and airy like spring, and a gentle breeze blew my hair around as I quickly jogged toward Sooyoung’s car and hopped into the passenger’s seat. My fist that still desperately clutched the necklace had started to shake as I held it in my lap, wondering if I should give it to her. I’d gotten this far. I should.

She looked gorgeous, as always, but what else was new? It didn’t matter if I expected it, I was always just a bit surprised. Her hair was tousled, cascading casually down around her shoulders, and she wore a red, cropped t-shirt along with loose black sweatpants, so I was silently thankful that I’d dressed roughly the same level of formal - which was next to nothing. This was a casual thing, right? Not a big deal? We could be casual around each other, right?

“Hey. It’s good to see you.” The sentiment of that greeting sounded a bit more sincere than it had in the past, and the tightness in my chest left me ever so slightly. Not quite, though. Not when I still clasped that necklace in my hand. She pulled onto the street and started driving, going a bit slower than I think she needed to.

I stared at her, entranced by her profile and the way the streetlights reflected slightly in her dark eyes whenever we passed beneath one. Her gaze flitted to me for a second, probably wondering why I was so quiet. When the car slowed to a stop at a traffic light, I awkwardly shoved my hand toward her, opened my fist and showed the pendant to her, outstretched in my slightly quivering palm.

“Um... you left this...” I whispered so quietly I could barely even hear it, staring hard at her, wanting to read her face. I wanted to see if it fell, if her nose scrunched up, if she seemed confused almost like she didn’t even remember it in the first place, but none of that happened.

Instead, her eyes sparkled for just a moment before she somehow managed to hide it, and she carefully pulled the chain from my hand and instantly brought it back to her neck, attaching the clasp in the back and making sure it was centered. My heart was going so fast I could hear it in my ears, my lips still parted as if I’d planned on trying to justify myself to her, but I didn’t need to. I could tell I didn’t need to.

She looked back at me, our eyes meeting for the first time since I’d gotten in the car, “Thanks. I was wondering where I’d put it.”

What? She was wondering? So she’d thought of it? She’d thought of my necklace? I remembered the scenario Chae had told me, of Sooyoung getting home after that night and clasping at her neck in panic wondering where it had been. Maybe it hadn’t been that intense, but she’d noticed. She’d checked to see where it was, and noticed it was gone, and wondered where it went. So she hadn’t left it on purpose. She hadn’t abandoned it because she didn’t want it in the first place, she’d just forgotten it. I smiled and I couldn’t help it. I knew she wasn’t lying. I could see it in her eyes, she wasn’t lying, she couldn’t be.

The traffic light had been green for a solid few seconds, a silence spreading with just the two of us staring. And staring. And staring. And I was so lost in her eyes I didn’t think I’d ever be able to pull myself out, and I wondered if she was getting lost too, because she didn’t seem to notice the green light in front of us. The only reason I noticed was from a car pulling up behind us on the rather rural street and honking their horn.

We both flinched, Sooyoung chuckling ever so slightly as she looked back toward the road and stepped on the gas, “You’re a driving hazard, Jiwoo.”

I laughed too, loving the way that my chest felt so light and airy. Just... it was pretty astonishing just how relieved I was about the necklace thing, but... for so long I’d been worried that she hated my gift. That I’d overstepped my bounds and made assumptions about what she’d like, that she hated it, that she just wanted it gone, but I was wrong. I’d just made a bunch of unjustified assumptions because I was nervous, I was paranoid, and none of it was valid. So... maybe my other worries weren’t either. Maybe she wasn’t using me. Maybe I was just assuming the worst for no reason...? God I hoped so.

She reached forward, turning the radio on just for some ambient noise and rolling down the windows slightly. The refreshing spring air drifted through the car and her dark locks of hair, and she looked like a model so effortlessly, and then I remembered she actually was one. And I knew the song, it was one that I liked, and I hadn’t felt this carefree in weeks. My affection for her was swelling tangibly in my chest, overwhelming me, getting so intense I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just smiled. I just sat there, with her, and we were together, and I smiled. She was smiling too, at what, I’m not sure. I loved her smile. It was so beautiful, and I was so close to telling her so, but I kept it back.

Instead, I started to sing along to the song playing. I don’t know why, I just felt comfortable. I felt safe with her, like she wouldn’t judge me, not that I was insecure about my singing, but... I dunno, it felt sort of intimate to sing in front of someone. But we’d definitely passed the basic level of intimate, at least in my book. I was quiet, barely even audible really, forcing myself to look out the window so as not to stare too blatantly at her stunning profile. My hands were in my lap and I held them together tightly.

The song got quieter, almost inaudible so that my voice could really be heard and I flinched, fumbling with the lyrics. When I looked, I saw Sooyoung’s hand on the knob for the volume and lowering it. I felt heat flooding to my cheeks, embarrassed all of a sudden.

“Was that you?” She asked me softly, the lyrics of the song still drifting very quietly around the car. I remember the song, because of course I do. It was Zico, It Was Love. Had she not heard me...? Was she genuinely asking if that was me? I didn’t know what to say, so all I could do was nod.I couldn’t read her face. The car slowed down, like she wanted to make the drive longer, “Wow.”

My heart skipped a beat. I must’ve heard that wrong, “Huh?”

She shook her head, almost like she was in disbelief, “You have a _beautiful_ voice.”

Oh my god I was going to _faint_. Had she just...? Was she being serious? She sounded serious, but I almost didn’t want to let myself believe it, I was just... so flattered. I would’ve been a total flustered mess if _anyone_ had said something so sincere and genuine to me, let alone if _Sooyoung_ did it. She made sure to look at me, to match my gaze for a second and make her eyes warm, and my blush must’ve spread down to my neck.

I stammered, my slight smile spreading into a full, ear-to-ear grin, “U-um! Thank you...” I swallowed hard, my head swimming, “I... uh, actually, I want to be a singer someday.” I hadn’t told many people that. I’d just been told one too many times that it was far fetched, and I didn’t like hearing that, so I stopped broadcasting it. But again, I felt uninhibited and honest, infinitely more confident from the praise. Sooyoung telling me my voice was beautiful only made my dream of being a singer feel more feasible than it ever had before.

Her eyes lit up, “Oh? With a voice like that, I’m sure you’ll have no problem there.” My heart skipped a beat, sitting at the top of my chest and not feeling like it was going anywhere anytime soon. I felt like Sooyoung’s standards were really high with, well, almost everything, so knowing that she genuinely thought my voice was good enough for me to be a singer was just so incredibly flattering. I wasn’t sure how to respond to it in any even remotely coherent way.

I started to recognize the area we were in, remembering it from... that night. It was a bit lighter outside, the sun not quite having set yet, and I could really see how nice the neighborhood was. All the houses were huge, some of them even three stories, with long driveways and impressive front yards that looked consistently groomed. I couldn’t quite remember which house was Sooyoung’s until she pulled to the end of a particularly lengthy street, and started to pull down a semi-familiar driveway lined on both sides with pretty trees.

Sooyoung parked in front of the garage and shot me a dazzling smile before getting out of the car. Her porch light reflected entrancingly off the necklace she wore almost proudly, and I revelled in how light and at ease everything felt. It was such an indescribably comforting feeling after having been so uncertain and upset for what felt like forever. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel like the entire Sooyoung situation was rectified - not even close, but I at the very least felt like I had a bit more answers than I’d last thought.

I stuck to her heels, walking up that same stone walkway toward that same door. It felt... strange being here again. The last time I’d been so intensely nervous I barely even registered my surroundings. There was some carefully tended flowers lining both sides of the house, as well as a windchime dangling from an awning a floor up that was getting gently jostled by the Spring breeze. Sooyoung knocked once before pushing the door open, holding it that way for me yet again.

Despite my disjointed memory, I instantly felt a different vibe once I stepped through the door. For one, all the lights were on. I could see more properly up a staircase I hadn’t noticed the last time because it’d been shrouded by shadows, and there was a warm, inviting smell drifting from around the corner that I assumed was dinner. It felt... homey and in an instant I was totally comfortable. Sooyoung shut the door gently behind us, and I almost assumed she was trying to be quiet, until her sudden shout from over my shoulder made me flinch slightly in surprise.

“Mom!! I’m home!” My chest tightened, somehow having forgotten that her mom would be there. I really had no reason to be nervous, I was really good with parents - they loved me. I had yet to meet a parent who didn’t love me, and I was _determined_ to make Sooyoung’s mom love me too.

“Hi honey!” A soothing, warm voice trailed right along with the smell of what I was starting to recognize as some sort of soup. A head poked around the corner from where I thought I remembered seeing a kitchen, and a face that ever so slightly resembled Sooyoung’s only with a few extra wrinkles here and there came into my view. Her eyes flitted between Sooyoung and I, seeming to widen slightly once she spotted me, “Oh! Sooyoung, you didn’t tell me you’d bring home any guests...”

Oh. She hadn’t told? Was I totally intruding? Okay, it might take just a bit more effort than normal to get Sooyoung’s mom to love me, but I was still gonna do it. I shot her the brightest, widest smile possible, one that she instantly returned as she wiped her hands on her apron.

Sooyoung shrugged, seeming genuinely indifferent, “Sorry, guess I forgot to mention it,” I felt her soft, warm hand rest gently against the small of my back and tug me slightly closer, a chill shooting up my spine from the contact, “This is my friend Jiwoo.”

My smile faltered slightly and I couldn’t help it. Friend...? Was I just her friend? Was that what she thought we were? _Is_ that what we were? I mean... friends didn’t sleep together. Or at least, _I_ definitely didn’t sleep with my friends. Did she? Was I supposed to sleep with my friends? No, what? God she was making me question everything. I thought... we were more than friends. Or at least I’d hoped.

I blinked twice, snapping myself out of the sad train of thought that started to consume my brain. Maybe there was some other reason? Well, what would the other reason be for Sooyoung not wanting to tell her mom about our... whatever we had?

Maybe she wasn’t out to her mom?

Oh. I looked down at my outfit, wondering if I’d dressed too gay. No, there was no plaid, and I’d decided to wear a skirt, so no, I wasn’t being too outwardly a lesbian. She probably couldn’t tell, so if that was the problem then at least I wasn’t gonna unintentionally out Sooyoung, but then why could I feel Sooyoung’s fingers gently tracing mind-numbing circles against my back? Was she just too bold for her own good? Part of me seriously doubted Sooyoung still being in the closet. I mean... she was pretty damn confident in herself, and from what she’d mentioned she seemed to have a really close relationship with her mom, so that just didn’t add up...

“Well it’s nice to meet you, Jiwoo, please tell me you’ll stay for dinner!” She smiled softly at the two of us. As if she even needed to request that. Of course I’d stay for dinner.

“I’d love to! It smells delicious!” Sooyoung’s fingers slipped slightly beneath the hem of my cropped shirt and I felt my skin start to warm.

She frowned slightly at her daughter in well-mannered frustration, “Well, you may have to wait twenty minutes or so, I’ve gotten used to cooking for two,” I opened my mouth, a flood of misguided apologies more than ready to stream out of me, but she interrupted me, “It’s no problem! It’s a pleasure to have you, I can improvise and everything should be fine! A heads-up would be nice next time, Sooyoung.” She half-playfully scolded her daughter, wagging a finger at her before disappearing back around the corner and into the kitchen.

I winced slightly once her mom was relatively out of earshot, “Why didn’t you tell her I was--”

“It’s fine. She’s being dramatic, she just likes to over prepare when we have guests,” She drummed her fingers ever so slightly against my back before withdrawing altogether and walking over to a small sitting area. I stuck to her heels, watching as she lowered herself gracefully into an armchair. I plopped down onto a couch, still a bit stiff, “If I’d told her you were coming, she would’ve asked me to push it back two extra days.”

“Oh...” That sort of made sense. I guess? So she didn’t want to postpone this? So she wanted to make sure she saw me sooner rather than later? Or maybe she was trying to get it over with...

I pinched myself. No. I needed to stop thinking so negatively. I mean yeah, the negative possibilities were definitely possible, but the positive ones were just as possible! So, why focus on the bad? I never used to.

I clasped my hands together in my lap, taking my time to really look around. The more time I actually had to appreciate the decor and the color schemes of everything just made me appreciate it all the more. I remembered her mom was an interior designer, and it definitely showed, “I love your house. It’s modern but it’s still cozy somehow...”

Her brow furrowed a bit, like she was confused, and she looked around a bit, “Yeah. It’s fine.” She must’ve just been used to it. The charm probably wore off a while ago, but it definitely hadn’t for me.

“I wouldn’t mind a tour... if you’re up for it. I didn’t get to see much of it last time...” I muttered that last part under my breath but she’d definitely heard it, a smug smirk coming to her face at the memory. I abruptly remembered that I’d indirectly asked for a tour last time as well, only to be promptly dragged to the uh, hot tub. My eyes flitted to that back door and I could see the patio lanterns on, making me idly wonder if the hot tub was too.

She chuckled slightly, “Ha, yeah, sorry about that. I was in a bit of a rush.”

I raised an eyebrow, “A rush? How come?” She hadn’t necessarily seemed to be in a rush to me. She was just the same, calm, composed, charming Sooyoung. Then again I’d been _very_ rattled throughout the entire interaction, so maybe I wasn’t the person to ask how anyone else was behaving.

Her eyes met mine and her gaze was burning, that familiar glint of slight darkness returning to them that always managed to give me goosebumps, “I just _really_ wanted to see you without your clothes on.”

My heart launched to the moon and my hands clenched into sudden fists, the faint blush that had been comfortably lingering on my cheeks intensifying and spreading to the rest of my face. I sputtered out a nervous laugh, not quite knowing how else to react, “Ahaha! What?” Had I heard that right...?

The darkness behind her eyes faded away, her smug, at ease expression returning, “Sorry. Sometimes I’m too honest.” Her piercing gaze moved from me and I felt my shoulder untense, watching as it wandered with seemingly no direction. I... don’t want to say she seemed bored, because it wasn’t quite that, she just seemed... distracted? More than anything I wondered what was on her mind. I found myself almost always wondering that.

I cleared my throat as discreetly as I could to ensure that my voice would be steady, “Um... no, it’s ok... I like honest.” I wanted Sooyoung to be honest. That’s all I’d ever wanted. I just wished she wasn’t so selective with what she was honest about. I guess that was the next step, huh?

“Do you like me then?”

_What?_ My eyes widened slightly before I could restrain the reaction, and I was actually glad she wasn’t looking at me. The smile on my face stayed, but it was much smaller now. I was startled. What did she mean by that? Why had she asked it so casually, like she was asking for the time? Was it really that insignificant of a question to her? Or maybe she was nervous...? Maybe her way of showing nervousness was not looking directly at me? Or maybe I was totally misinterpreting the question? That was also very possible, I was so out of it.

“What?” I asked softly, my voice barely even audible.

She didn’t miss a beat, “I’m honest. You said you like honest, so do you like me?” Even though it seemed like it should be there, her voice was surprisingly lacking the coy undertone it almost always had. It seemed... like she was genuinely asking the question, and this wasn’t just banter. Like she really wanted to know. My face was beet red.

“...do you want me to be honest?” I don’t think she understood what she was signing up for. And I really wasn’t sure just _how_ honest I should be. How much did she want to know? Did she want me to tell her how often I thought of her? How she made my heart beat at twice the speed, how I thought she was the most gorgeous person I’d ever seen, how her voice and her eyes and her smile gave me butterflies and how the only thing I ever wanted to do was spend time with her?

Or did she just want a yes or no?

Her gaze matched mine for a fraction of a second before casually drifting away again, “Absolutely. It’s only fair.”

My initial, automatic response left me like a reflex, “Yes.” It was so immediate I saw her flinch slightly, just a bit, pausing mid-motion when she’d previously been untying one of her sneakers. I only felt like I could talk again once she’d resumed, for some reason just feeling like I needed to clarify. I didn’t want there to be any doubt, “Of course I like you.” That small smile on her face widened for a moment. Just a moment. Just enough for one of her cheeks to get the slightest semblance of a dimple, but then it went back to the small, almost unnoticeable upturn of the corners of her lips.

She wasn’t saying anything. Why wasn’t she saying anything? Why did she smile like that? Was she happy? Pleased? Surprised? If she was surprised, was it a pleasant surprise or was she being polite by smiling like that? Did she think it was funny? That I was stupid and naive for confessing that so openly? Hell, I’d already said it in basically every single possible way besides blurting it out verbally, so if she didn’t know by now she was pretty dense. But actually saying it out loud, actually responding to her blunt question was pretty jarring and it felt like a milestone. I wasn’t sure if she shared that sentiment, but I felt... different. A bit bolder. Like I could afford to be more honest without any sort of penalty or consequence.

I clasped my hands tightly together in my lap to stop them from trembling, “Do you... like me...?”

She met my eyes. And there was so much there. So many different things, so many emotions and feelings and things that I wanted her to just _tell me_ instead of trying to show me. Her smile was gone. It had faded altogether. Why...? I don’t think she’d wanted me to ask this question.

Just as her lips parted, and I scooted closer to literally be on the edge of my seat, her mom called out from the kitchen. The sound of her voice unexpectedly cut through the density the air had gotten, and I felt my shoulders lighten when I hadn’t even realized how stiff I’d become.

“Hate to interrupt, but could someone help me in the kitchen really quick? I have to cut up some more carrots for the soup, because _I didn’t know we were having guests_.” Even though we couldn’t see her, I felt like we could both feel the pointed look implied by the playfully scolding emphasis on her last words. It made me smile a bit, starting to realize where some of Sooyoung’s sense of humor had come from.

Sooyoung sighed lightly and got to her feet with a subtle eye roll, presumably to go and help, but I stood up too, speaking in a slightly timid voice - still slightly rattled from all that, “I can help! My dad’s a chef so I can probably do it faster than you...”

She arched an eyebrow at me, “Oh? Was that a diss?”

I hadn’t realized how it’d sounded until after I’d said it, “No! I’m just saying!”

She smiled softly at me again, and I was relieved to see it, “It’s fine. I’m not gonna fight you over who gets to cut carrots. I’m just gonna run upstairs real quick though.” She was already heading that way, and each took she step just hammered it into me harder that I’d totally missed my chance. I could’ve pushed the question. Been more firm about it. Shown her how _badly_ I wanted an answer, but I hadn’t, because I was scared. And now I’d probably never get an opportunity presented to me on such a silver platter like that ever again to so bluntly ask her about her feelings.

“Um, okay...” She turned fully away, heading up their relatively fancy staircase without another word. Damn. 

_Whatever, it’s fine..._ I told myself in my head as I headed toward the kitchen. I’d get another chance... I’d have to, right? And maybe she’d sort of indirectly answered my question through her gestures, through her eyes... god she was just so hard to read sometimes. It was so frustrating.

I didn’t have much time to think, because as soon as I’d rounded the corner an apron was being tied tightly around my waist by swift hands and I was being gently nudged toward the sink, “Wash your hands, sweetie, don’t want a germy soup.”

“Right!” Her energy spread straight into me, I tended to pick up on that stuff really fast, and I was more than glad to have this brief task even for a moment to take my mind off things. I washed my hands (with rosé-scented hand-soap) probably more thoroughly than I needed to, and slid up to the counter - a cutting board and a bunch of carrots already set up there.

“You’re chipper, huh?” She asked as she chopped a bunch of other vegetables. I could sort of tell that she wasn’t much of a cook, just from the way she held the knife and stuff. No judging - I mean, I held the knife the same exact way, but my mom, for instance, who wasn’t a chef but cooked a lot, had a bit more finesse and didn’t look so hard at their hands while they chopped things.

“I have been told that, yes!” That may or may not have been considered an understatement, but I wasn’t about to offer that up.

She smiled sweetly, the expression reminding me vaguely of Sooyoung, “It’s refreshing. I’m glad Sooyoung is making new friends.” I watched as she turned on her heel toward the stove and dumped some of her chopped things into a steaming pot. It was only then that I actually started to cut the carrots in front of me.

That caught my attention, and also sort of confused me, “Oh? I would’ve thought she had a lot of friends...” That was at least what it seemed like. I mean, she was so effortlessly charming and sociable and magnetic, I feel like it’d be more challenging for her to _not_ have an abundance of friends.

“She does, but... she could use something fresh. She needs to get her mind off things.” Her eyes were focused on the task at hand and I was glad she wasn’t looking at me, because it was hard to find how intrigued I was from my face.

Sooyoung wouldn’t tell me things. She was very guarded and selective. But Sooyoung’s mom? Maybe she was less so. I could already sense that she was a bit of a more open book, and that instantly drew me in.

“May I ask why?”

She nodded once, in a strangely mechanical way, “Yes, it’s...” She paused for a moment. My gaze flitted from her eyes that stared down at the patterns of the counter and the way she shakily held onto the knife in her hand, leaving me in suspense, “It’s almost parents day, I’m sure you know. I don’t know if Sooyoung told you about her father...” She trailed off and I was grateful that Sooyoung _had_ told me, because I definitely didn’t want to force her to inform me.

“... yes, she did. I’m so sorry for your loss.” I made my voice as serious and empathetic as I possibly could, all of my hyper, happy energy drained out of me in an instant right along with hers. It... wasn’t like I’d forgotten about Sooyoung’s dad, but... I hadn’t thought about it in a while, and the reminder was jarring. To know that one day in the past, I may have been able to meet _both_ of Sooyoung’s parents, and now there was one... not there, was... sobering. The house felt less cozy all of a sudden. Now it felt... too big, if that makes sense. Too big for just two people.

And yeah, Parent’s day probably served as a sad reminder. My chest felt hollow at the thought of a sad Sooyoung, giving her mom whatever exorbitant present she’d planned months in advance and the two of them trying their best to focus on each other and be happy, but always thinking at least a little about someone who was missing. Ow. My heart wrenched.

Sooyoung’s mom smiled weakly at me, appreciating the sentiment, “Thank you. We’re still adjusting.”

Huh? Still adjusting? But...? Sooyoung said it happened a while ago? Wait, maybe I was being totally insensitive. No matter how long ago it happened, it was probably such a huge change. Such a sad, abrupt shift in daily life. It was probably something you’d never get used to, something that needed constant adjusting. Yeah. I was just being a big dope. I’d never really dealt with death or been close with anyone who had experiences with death, so I wasn’t that eloquent with what I was supposed to say or do or what I shouldn’t say or do. It felt like I was walking on eggshells and more than anything I wanted to be careful. I didn’t want to offend anyone or make a bad impression on Sooyoung’s mom, but... I just had one last question.

“How old was Sooyoung...? When he passed?” I chopped carrots nervously, if that motion could ever be described as nervous, staring down at what I was doing instead of looking at her.

She paused and I felt her eyes move to me, “Excuse me?”

Oh. Oops. That was invasive. Oh no, I’d already ruined it, I should’ve minded my own business. I felt heat flooding my cheeks all over again.

“U-um, I was just... wondering?” I wasn’t gonna lie on top of being invasive, that’d just make things worse, but I did make sure to make it seem like I didn’t expect an answer. She didn’t have to answer this. Especially if it made her uncomfortable or arose unwanted memories. Although it may have been too late for that, and I felt so bad.

I dared to look up at her, expecting her to seem angry, appalled, or disappointed, but she just seemed confused. My shoulders untensed ever so slightly, but why was she confused? What was confusing...?

“it happened ten months ago.”

Oh.

Wait.

_What._

What? But??? Sooyoung had told me...? Was ten months considered “a while ago?” When she’d said that, so casually, I’d assumed it was years. And? I’d met Sooyoung a while ago, probably four or so months now. So at that point it’d only been six months? Oh my god that was so recent. Oh my god. Why was she keeping all this from me? Why had she lied? Was she technically lying? Was being vague classifiable as lying? I guess... she just didn’t want to talk about it, which made plenty of sense and was totally valid. But oh god was I really asking this poor woman about her dead husband only ten months after he’d passed away, when all she wanted was to cut some vegetables for her soup? Was I _really_ doing this? Oh my god I felt so absolutely terrible, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die, but only after apologizing to her over and over again until my throat hurt and I lost my voice.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I-I didn’t know it was so recent...” I clumsily stammered out, unable to hide just how shocked I was from my face. At the very least I wanted to slightly explain why I was being so insensitive and that it wasn’t my intention, I was just dumb.

She pursed her lips slightly, her eyes finally moving from me and returning to the task at hand. She gripped the knife a bit tighter than she had before, “It’s alright.” Was it, though? Or was she just being polite? “Like I said, I’m glad that she’s found you. I’ve been worried about her.”

I didn’t hesitate for even a second in my response, “I’m worried about her too. I hope she opens up to me more soon...” I just wanted her to talk to me. I just wanted to sit down with her and have her be honest, with no layers of irony over the whole conversation and no weirdness or lies or vagueness. Sooyoung was honest, for sure, but she was so _selectively_ honest. And I knew she did it on purpose, but I wished she felt like she didn’t have to.

A silence spread after that, and I knew that I for sure wasn’t gonna be the one to break it. I already felt way out of line, so it would probably be best for me to just shut up. Instead I just focused on chopping up the carrots, occasionally letting my gaze flit to look at the progress she was making on her end. She was going slower than before, her motions less fluid and a bit more deliberate. Like she was distracted. Ugh, I’d totally thrown her off, hadn’t I? I mean, I hadn’t necessarily brought up the topic of Sooyoung’s dad, but I hadn’t steered the conversation in a different direction either. Regardless I felt like I’d done something wrong, and despite her saying it was alright, my lips kept parting as if to say sorry again. After what must’ve been the third time, and when I really did plan on fumbling out some sort of apology, she muttered something under her breath.

“She blames herself.”

What?

I blinked twice, my eyebrows scrunching up as I leaned slightly forward over the counter - wanting to make sure I’d heard that right, “Huh?”

She slowed down the movement of the knife so much that it got stuck in the radish she’d started to chop. I could see the way her mind was buzzing, how distant her eyes got. My chest was tight. I must’ve misheard her. Sooyoung didn’t actually blame herself... did she?  
  


She pursed her lips slightly, avoiding any sort of eye contact as if it were toxic, “She blames herself for it. I know she does.”

My parted lips had turned into a full on dropped jaw by that point. I was so impossibly confused and concerned all at once. It was only then that I started to realize just how much I didn’t know - how little Sooyoung had understandably told me about this. I hadn’t know the actual time when her dad had died, and I didn’t know what the circumstances were. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was pry. I didn’t want to make this poor woman relive the grief I was sure she was already dealing with on a daily basis, but...

“Why would she do that...?” I wouldn’t have been surprised if she hadn’t even heard me, my voice was so timid and small, the words almost getting caught in my throat.

She looked at me. For just a second, as if trying to read me. I think she could tell that I was just genuinely terrified of being invasive, but was concerned for my “friend.”. And I _was_ concerned. So so so concerned and _worried_ for Sooyoung. All I wanted was to help in any way that I could, but I felt like I knew so little about a situation which actually had so much.

She sighed heavily, her shoulders slouching as she weakly tugged the knife from the radish and set it down on the cutting board. Oh. I cautiously did the same, gently letting mine go to show her that she had my full attention, but she didn’t even seem to notice. I think she was too immersed in her own thoughts, too immersed in what she knew she was about to relay to me, which was more than understandable. My body was stiff as stone, watching as she braced herself against the counter slightly and shut he reyes for a moment.

“He... it.. It was sudden.” Instead of sounding emotional or worked up like I’d expected, she just seemed tired. So incredibly fatigued. I clenched my trembling hands into loose fists out of her view beneath the counter, for some reason feeling like I should be bracing myself too, “A car accident, on the way to her graduation.” _Oh_. My heart wrenched, “He... wasn’t going to come, initially, because he had work and couldn’t get time off. She was devastated. She kept trying to persuade him and make him feel guilty. Eventually, I suppose he did decide to show up. He wanted to surprise her, but...” Her words trailed off, and she didn’t need to finish, knowing I could infer the rest.

Oh my god.

I... I really just couldn’t believe it. I mean, my empathy for Sooyoung had already skyrocketed once she’d told me her dad had died, but knowing _this_? Knowing how tragic the circumstances had actually been, how sudden it was, how although it wasn’t, I could absolutely see someone like Sooyoung blaming herself for it happening in the first place? It felt like my heart was caving into itself. More than anything I wanted to find Sooyoung and just hug her so tight she couldn’t breathe, but I realized then that she probably wouldn’t have wanted me to know this in the first place. She had deliberately not told me, on top of practically lying about the timing just to make it seem less tragic than it really was. So I was essentially supposed to pretend like I’d never learned this, but how could I?

Sooyoung shouldn’t blame herself. It wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t have known, she couldn’t have controlled it, it was out of her hands and it was her father’s choice, but... god. The thought of her feeling guilty on _top_ of needing to grieve was just too much to me. And was she carrying all of that without telling anyone? Without talking about it because she wanted to uphold her image of unaffected, cool and collected, charming witty Sooyoung? My stomach was tying itself into knots and I wasn’t entirely sure why. There was just so much to take in that I felt like I couldn’t.

All that actually left me was a small, again nearly inaudible, “Oh...”

Sooyoung’s mom sniffled faintly, shaking her head back and forth as if to get the thoughts out of it. I wondered if it worked, “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have told you all that, it’s just... maybe you could help her. Or talk to her, since she sure as hell isn’t talking to me.”

I nodded weakly, not feeling quite ready to say anything else out loud. With a much shakier hand than before, I lifted back up my knife and finished cutting the small amount of carrots I had left. The faint sound of footsteps heading back down the stairs could be heard and I knew Sooyoung was coming back.

I watched as her mom seemed to flick off all semblances of distress in what seemed like a millisecond, matching my gaze for a quick moment before muttering to me quietly as if to ensure Sooyoung wouldn’t hear, “She could use a distraction.”

_I hope I’m more than just a distraction..._ I thought to myself, the negativity of my brain still persisting despite how hard I tried to keep it at bay. Because... I mean, it did make sense. If Sooyoung was sad, if her mind was clouded with a grief she refused to talk about or seek help for, then why not find someone loud and energetic and extra enough who could drown those thoughts out? I felt so abruptly conflicted, because a part of me would sort of want to be that for her. If I could somehow pull her out of her dark thoughts and her sadness, then I would absolutely love to do that, but was that all I was good for...? I wanted to be more than that. I wanted her to think of me as something besides that.

She rounded the corner, her makeup ever so slightly different, which must’ve been what she went upstairs for, “Still up for that tour?”

Sooyoung’s mom smiled at the two of us, “Go ahead, I think I can handle the rest of dinner. Thanks for the help, Jiwoo, I appreciate it!” She was so casual. Like she hadn’t just dropped that nuclear bomb on me.

I took an audible breath, forcing a smile back to my face so Sooyoung wouldn’t suspect anything, and tried to snap myself out of it. I wasn’t supposed to know this new information, so I should just pretend like I didn’t... right? Or was that not the right decision? Ugh, I just didn’t know. It felt like I was gonna start getting a headache.

“Yeah!” I set down the knife, trying to think of what I would say if I wasn’t so rattled and forcing it out, “If you need any more help just let me know!” Sooyoung stepped closer, taking the initiative of untying my apron for me and tossing it on a wall hook. She made sure to needlessly brush her fingers beneath the hem of the back of my shirt again for a quick moment, giving me chills.

Sooyoung’s mom just waved at the two of us dismissively, her gaze following us as Sooyoung pulled me out of the room by my hand and led me out of the room.

“Okay. First floor there’s nothing that special. My mom’s office is down that hall and we shouldn’t go in there because, yaknow, business and organization and whatnot,” I could barely even process what she was saying, a bit preoccupied with focusing on the way her thumb kept repeatedly brushing against the back of my hand, “You’re already familiar with the patio,” She shot me a wink that made my knees weak, “But down here is the sun porch.”

I was led down a relatively narrow hallway lined with picture frames that went together very well with the color of the walls - a nice perk of having an interior designer for a mother. More than I’d care to admit, I wanted to look at them. I kept catching quick glimpses as I was swiftly tugged, and I saw flashes of family portraits, of Sooyoung at varying ages, but not quite getting a good enough look.

A door was pushed open onto another unsurprisingly beautifully decorated sun porch. I looked all around, loving the colors and the furniture and really wanting to curl up and read a book in here or something, finding myself more than content to just look around.

Sooyoung spoke up, providing commentary because she probably assumed this was less interesting to me than it really was, “It’s nothing much when it’s dark out like this. You should see it when it’s bright outside, the sun shines through the curtains and it’s really nice honestly.” She didn’t need to convince me.

“I’d love to see it sometime...” I muttered without much thinking.

She chuckled under her breath, the sound almost seeming nervous. But I knew that wasn’t true. Sooyoung didn’t get nervous, especially not around me.

“C’mon, lets go upstairs.” I was pulled back down that same hallway, struggling to get a good enough look at any of the pictures but not quite managing it yet again, and then brought up the steps. I followed her, of course, because what else was I gonna do? Being close with her like this and holding her hand was... even that, such a simple and small thing that she probably hadn’t given a second thought left me with so many butterflies.

“So,” My tour guide spoke up again as we got to the top of the stairs, “Down this way is my par-- mom’s room,” Oh. She fumbled. It was only a second, really the smallest little slip up, but I caught it, and it made the information I’d received earlier dump back onto me like a ton of bricks. Sooyoung hadn’t even flinched, though, and I wasn’t sure if that response was genuine or if she was keeping something else back. Instinctively I squeezed her hand ever so slightly, despite knowing that I probably should’ve let it slide and not even shown her that I’d noticed, but I couldn’t help it. Her response was to retract her grip on me altogether, trying to make the motion seem natural by opening a nearby door, but she could’ve easily done that with her other hand. Oops.

“And um,” She flicked on a light switch, “This is my room. There’s more upstairs but who cares, lets go in here.” Instead of tugging me after her, she just held the door open and let me step in. The door was shut behind us, and I made sure to meet her eyes. For once I was relieved to see that they hadn’t darkened, that there wasn’t that fire behind them.

Sooyoung’s room at home was surprisingly similar to her dorm room. It was a bit more sparsely decorated, since she presumably brought her stuff from here and put it in there. Her bed was neatly made, there were a few scattered picture frames here and there but some were empty, a poster of some random model I didn’t recognize was near her bed, and there were some scattered books and makeup on her desk. It definitely looked like she still spent some time there, presumably because she was close with her mom.

A question came to mind that I felt like I was justified in asking, “Hey, how come you live at school if your house is so close to campus?” She moved to a standing wardrobe in the corner that had a surprising amount of clothes still in it, looking at her outfit in a full-length mirror. I wasn’t sure if I should sit down or not, so instead I sort of weirdly paced, looking around her room at the small things I hadn’t noticed yet.

“I wanted the real college experience, I didn’t want to commute.” That made sense, and I took it as her entire answer, starting to wrack my brain for something else I could say to start a conversation, but she wasn’t done, “Plus it never hurts to get out of the house sometimes. It’s way less likely that my mom will walk in on me hooking up with girls if I’m living somewhere else.”

I sputtered, giggling and getting all flustered. She laughed a bit too, “What?? She?” My mind started to conjure the image of Sooyoung’s poor mom barging in on her, doing... _that_ with a girl. And although it was a funny thought, I also found a bit of envy creeping up on me. Which was stupid and not a good path to go down, since I knew that obviously, of course Sooyoung had been with people before. People that weren’t me. And... that was fine. So it would be great if the burning jealousy in my upper chest would go away.

“Yeah. First girl I was ever with and she just waltzed right on in without knocking.” She shrugged, “Sort of her own fault, if I think about it.”

My eyes scanned the room in a new light, realizing that what she was talking about had literally happened right there. My gaze lingered on the bed, but then looked at the door, where I noticed a deadbolt, “You didn’t lock the door??”

She raised an eyebrow, following where I was looking to also notice the lock, as if she’d forgotten about it, “I didn’t have that back then. Mom insisted I install it after the whole thing happened, she was mortified.”

I realized only then that Sooyoung was definitely out to her mom, whether that had been intentional or not. So... then... why had she introduced me as her friend?

She was changing and it took me a second to realize it, my cheeks flushing with heat as she peeled off her shirt to swap it for another one. She was doing that so casually, and although I wasn’t surprised about that part, I hadn’t really expected it. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to look away or if she didn’t care, so I sort of just pretended I didn’t notice, looking at anything besides how beautiful her body was and how smooth her skin looked and the _really_ attractive bra she was wearing.

“But I do have the lock now. If you wanted, we could... use it.” Oh. Her tone was different. Why was her tone different...?

Wait, huh?

Was she being serious?? “What? Are you...? Right now??” I turned to look at her while she was mid-shirt swap, putting intense effort into keeping my eyes on hers and not letting them go anywhere else. They were dark in that way. She really was serious. She nodded at me and my legs started to feel so unstable I wondered if I needed to sit down somewhere, “I-I-? No! Your mom is literally downstairs, we’re eating dinner soon...” I cannot believe, even to this day, that I actually turned down that offer from Sooyoung. But we really shouldn’t, for all the reasons I listed, but... I was just surprised I had the willpower to do that.

She raised an eyebrow at me, but not in a prying way, instead as if she was curious, “Not in the mood? Ok. That’s fine.” She gently tossed the shirt she held in her hand back into her wardrobe, instead reaching and finding a slightly baggy sweater and slipping it on over her head.

For some reason I felt an instinctive, irresistible urge to correct her assumption, “It’s...? Not that, I just... feel weird with your mom downstairs.” If the circumstances had been a bit different, I would _not_ be turning down Sooyoung right now. Probably.

She smiled fondly at me, “Jiwoo we did it with your parents asleep in literally the room next to us.”

My blush intensified, as I fiddled nervously with my fingers, feeling a bit unsure of myself, “Yeah but your mom’s awake...”

She took a step closer to me, the darkness and fire behind her eyes not quite extinguished all the way, “She won’t hear. If you’re quiet at least.” Her voice lacked the sultry tone it normally had when she was trying to, um, get me worked up, so maybe the risk factor and the relative time limit was kind of dissuading her too?

God it was really getting hard to resist this. Like, really really hard, but... we shouldn’t. Right?

“I...” I have no idea what I’d even started to say.

The small traces of her seductive expression faded altogether as she shrugged slightly, “We don’t have to, I’m not meaning to push it. Just an idea.” She dismissed the concept so easily I actually believed her. It was just a flippant idea that had come to mind and nothing more. How was sex so nonchalant for her...? Was it supposed to be that way for me - was I the weird one here? I didn’t know. Had I disappointed her? She didn’t necessarily seem disappointed, she just walked to instead sit at the edge of her bed, even checking her phone briefly. She seemed unaffected, so I tried to mirror the behavior as best as I could.

“Um... yeah, maybe we shouldn’t...” She nodded again, radiating indifference, and I wondered what other questions I had to ask her that I somehow hadn’t yet, “Uh, hey, what are you even at college for?”

She paused before responding, as if considering what she would say, “A good time.”

I couldn’t help but scoff under my breath, a small smirk coming to her face at her own antics as I rolled my eyes playfully, “No, I mean what are you studying?”

She moved one of her hands to her hair, playing idly with the strands and twirling them around her slender fingers in an incredibly entrancing way, “Oh, I dunno. Communications or something I think.”

I stared at her harder, trying to read her, “... I can tell you’re really passionate about it.’ My teasing earned me nothing more than a bit of a wider smirk. I’d take it.

“I don’t think about my future much.” She told me quietly, her tone a bit different from before. I stepped closer again. Sooyoung’s room was huge by the way, there was even a small loveseat on the other side of the room, and I considered sitting on it but didn’t want to be that far from her. Part of me was compelled to sit at her side on the bed, but I remained standing for a reason I’m not entirely sure of.

“Why?”

“I don’t like to.” She told me plainly. Again, I could tell she was being honest, but it was selective. She left so much out, just for me to infer or wonder about, which was bad for me. I shouldn’t be left to wonder because my mind almost seemed to be my worst enemy nowadays - assuming the worst and making me sad.

So I reached, hoping I might be able to get the slightest bit more out of her although I highly doubted it, “How come?”

She got quiet. Very quiet. For the first few seconds of the silence, she seemed able to match my gaze, but then it drifted. It wandered like it had earlier in the little sitting room, avoiding me and trying to make it seem casual, but I could tell it wasn’t. It was entirely deliberate. Was I getting to her or something? Was this more of a sensitive topic than I thought it was?

“... too many unknowns.” She finally said, mere moments before I was about to retract the question since she didn’t seem to want to answer it.

I nodded slightly, not quite understanding her answer, “Well yeah, that’s kinda how the future works. You don’t really know what’s gonna happen...” I guess it sort of made sense. Not knowing things could be stressful, but I hadn’t imagined Sooyoung to be the type who prioritized planning and being certain. If anything she seemed like someone who’d embrace spontaneity and the unknown, not be scared of it.

She wasn’t talking anymore. She just stared down at her feet, seeming distracted again. Okay... maybe I needed to be a bit more specific or something?

“Well, what do you want to do for a job...?” I asked quietly.

“Who cares?” She asked, picking her legs up from the floor and sitting cross-legged on her bed. She started to fiddle with the patterns of her bedsheets, playing with some loose strands of yarn on what looked like a poorly hand-knit blanket. I wondered if her mom had made that.

I raised an eyebrow at her, not sure if she was seriously asking that so instead deciding to answer as if she was, “I care? That’s why i asked...”

“Why do you care?” It almost seemed like she was getting defensive, but why? What for? Why was she so reluctant to talk about this? Or... was this question broader than it actually seemed? Did she want to know why I cared at all? About her, about this, about anything about her?

Because the answer to that question, regardless of how pointed the initial question had actually been, was the same.

“Because I like you, remember?” That sounded much more firm and certain than it had earlier. Even I was surprised how little I faltered when repeating that. Like it was the simplest, most self-explanatory thing in the world. Which I sort of felt like it was, it was so second-nature to me nowadays.

She flinched. Similarly to how she’d flinched the last time. Like she really wasn’t used to me saying that. I wondered if she’d ever get used to it, if she even wanted to hear me say it or if she preferred that I kept it to myself, but it was getting so hard to do that. All I ever wanted to do was scream how much I liked her from the rooftops, shower her in compliments and affection and just let her know that she meant a lot to me, but I didn’t. I had to keep it in. I knew that’d overwhelm her, I could tell. Even now, from just that - the smallest, most bland of statements, seemed to rattle her. She sat there, not saying anything, her eyes wandering and her lips slightly parted as if she planned on saying something, but she wasn’t. She didn’t.

Okay. I got the hint. I guess I shouldn’t be so open about that anymore. Clearly it was... problematic for her to hear, which really gave my chest that hollow feeling all over again right when I’d gotten used to it not being there anymore. My face fell slightly, I couldn’t help it - whatever traces of a smile I’d still had totally leaving me. I just... wish she’d let me be as honest as I wanted. I wished that she’d be more open with me. That’s all I wanted, but apparently it was a lot to ask.

“Nevermind--” The word had barely left me before she spoke up, almost cutting me off.

“I sort of want to do modelling full time.” Her voice was small. I almost struggled to hear her, but she’d made sure to cut me off. I think she felt bad for making me wait. Maybe she was thinking that whole time? Like she didn’t even have an answer for me until she thought about it?

I stepped closer, still fiddling with my fingers and not being too subtle about how they were trembling, “Oh, then why don’t you?”

She shrugged, that same shrug she always did to act more uninvested than she seemed to be, “Cuz I mean... that’s not a real job. And who’d hire me to do that full time?” Her tone was bitter. Hopeless. I didn’t like it one bit.

This was a good time for my optimism to kick back in, so I hauled it up from the depths of my chest where it’d been sitting unused for what felt like months and tried my damndest to spread it to her, “What? Don’t be such a downer, you’re drop dead gorgeous so it shouldn’t be hard to get recognized, and you’ve already got connections in the industry with whoever you work with now, right?”

She frowned, still refusing to look at me. I took a step closer, still not having it in me to sit at her side because I felt like one wrong move and she’d shut down - changing the topic to something more banter-y and light, and I didn’t want that. This was probably the most she’d opened up to me before, and I didn’t want to mess it up.

“... I feel like it’s sort of cutthroat though.”

That was definitely a valid worry. I doubted a career path like modelling was gonna be without some internal rivalries, but that shouldn’t keep her back from her dreams.

“So cut some throats then.”

She laughed a hollow, disingenuous laugh, “... didn’t think I’d ever hear you encouraging that sort of thing.” For a brief moment she looked at me. I think she wanted to check my expression, to see how serious I was being, but I couldn’t have been more serious if I tried. My smile had even faded because more than anything I wanted her to take this to heart. I wanted her to feel like I was listening, like I cared about what she was telling me and that it was valid to talk about it openly like this. And I think she was actually taking that in for once, because her face changed slightly when she looked at me.

“Well if that’s what you have to do to be happy and have the job you want, you should do it. You deserve to be happy.” I made my voice clear and soft, so she wouldn’t have to wonder if she’d misheard me.

Her brow scrunched up in the middle and her eyes narrowed, “Thats...” I waited, giving her a second, but she didn’t seem to plan on finishing her statement.

“What?” I took a slight step closer. She scooted back on the bed, leaning against her wall.

She frowned, the cogs in her mind visibly turning, and while I braced myself for whatever she planned on telling me, she simply muttered a dismissive, “... nothing.”

I knew that was her way of effectively ending this conversation. I knew that she was gonna say something else, to change the topic altogether, but I didn’t want that. I was sick of skirting around everything and her avoiding whenever I tried to get sentimental - _I was so sentimental_. All I wanted was to be... intimate with her, and no, not in like a sex way, just... I wanted us to be close. Or, clos _er_ , I guess. And she kept tossing roadblocks in my way, and I wasn’t gonna stand for it anymore.

“No, what?” I asked a second time, my voice still soft but with a slight edge to it that showed her to the best of my ability that I wasn’t gonna drop this. Or at least not easily.

She shrugged that same shrug, trying to act casual, but if it was so casual why hadn’t she wanted to say it? “Nothing I’ve just never had someone tell me that before. Just weird.”

Never? I could tell she wasn’t lying, but... if anything that just hurt more.

“You do. Everyone does.” I muttered, wanting nothing more than to hold her hand or wrap my arms around her but I maintained my position of hovering near her desk.

“Right...” She sounded unconvinced, but why?

“You especially.” I added on. I wanted her to believe me.

She met my eyes and there was so much behind hers that I still couldn’t read. God, that was so indescribably frustrating, because I _knew_ it was there and I _knew_ that was probably the one way I’d be able to read her with no filter because she couldn’t control that part, but I just couldn’t read them. It was like too much was there for one emotion or one message to be clear enough for me to get. Why did she have to be so _complicated?_ And why did I also love that part of her so much...?

“Why me especially?” Her head tilted curiously.

I let myself smile again, the most sincere, genuine smile I think I’ve ever smiled before, and told her, “Because you’re pretty dang special.”

She didn’t react for a few, lingering, suspenseful moments, instead just staring at me. She stared at me hard, as if she was seeing straight through me, and then she smiled slightly too. Just barely. But it was there.

Then she shook her head back and forth, breaking our prolonged eye contact, and muttered something that made the air in the room shift slightly. At least for me, “You... put me on a bit of a pedestal, Jiwoo.”

Huh? Where did that come from?

My instinctive response was an automatic, “What? No I don’t.”

Did I...? Was liking someone a _lot_ classifiable as putting them on a pedestal? And if so, was that a bad thing? I mean... I really really liked Sooyoung. I thought she was beautiful and interesting and caring and charming, so... yeah, I dunno I just thought she was great. But putting her up on a pedestal implied that I was hyping her up _too_ much, and I didn’t think that was true. Right...?  
  


She nodded slightly, “I think you do. Just a tad.” She reached up to her hair and started to collect it all in her hands, as if to put it in a ponytail.

“I--”

“--Could you grab me a hair tie? It’s in the top drawer next to you.”

I blinked hard, snapping myself out of the conversation I’d been so intensely immersed in, “What--? Um, sure...” She got to her feet, hair still held up, and headed back to her wardrobe presumably to look in the mirror there. Instead of walking in the incredibly ample space there was next to me, she instead opted to come closer and deliberately brush her side against mine as she passed. I caught a whiff of her perfume that I’d learned to love so much and it seemed to dull all my senses for a second or two before I could remember she’d asked me to do something.

I cautiously pulled open the first drawer of the desk I’d been standing by, sifting through various assorted pens and planners, but not seeing any hair ties. It was only when I lifted up a worn out journal that something slipped out from in between the old pages. I quickly picked it up, about to put it back where it had been, but stopped still.

It was a picture. An old, polaroid picture from the same type of film that the strings of polaroids were from in her dorm room. Sooyoung was in it, I recognized her instantly, but she was younger. There was an older man with her and his features were close to hers. Oh. Oh wait. That must have been her dad. I felt my chest tighten. That was definitely her dad. He had his arms wrapped around her waist from behind and he was smiling such a big smile. She was laughing, looking happier than I’d ever seen her before, just so carefree and joyful.

  
“Hey--” Her sharp voice pulled me from my thoughts and the picture was frantically snatched from my grasp. I jumped slightly, not having realized I’d stared at it for too long. She held it tightly in her hand, daring to look at it for only a second before clutching it close to her chest, over her heart.

A blush rose to my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to snoop, really I hadn’t, “I-I’m so sorry, I was just trying to get the--”

Her expression grew bitter, “--Yeah, whatever, it’s fine, just...” Something was different about her voice. I’d never heard it sound that way before. It was distant and detached but there was also something else there. Something underneath it all that it seemed like she was swallowing down, “Actually I’m getting kinda tired, maybe we should call it a night. Do you need a ride home?” She wouldn’t look at me. My stomach dropped. Something was wrong.   
  


“...what?” I asked, my slight fear showing through in my voice. Did she really want me to leave...? We hadn’t even eaten yet, and it wasn’t late at all, at least not enough for her to be “tired.” Probably only around 8, if that.

She sighed in what I read almost as frustration, turning away from me fully now and trying to play if off like she was trying to find another place to put the picture, but I could tell she just didn’t want me to look at her. The tightness in my chest was only getting worse and worse. The air got thick with tension and not the good kind. It felt like it was weighing me down, “I’m gonna bring you home ok? Let me just... f-find a place...” She started to open and close all her drawers, even brushing me aside at some point to look through her desk. All her movements lacked the usual grace and fluidity they’d always seemed to have. She was rattled. It was like she was coming undone. I didn’t mean to do this.

“Sooyoung, I don’t want to--”

“-- _I’m bringing you home_.” Her voice was firm. Harsh. Unwavering. I stopped in my tracks, having taken a step forward. I’d struck a nerve. A nerve I’d only even slightly suspected was there in the first place and a nerve that definitely hadn’t ever been touched upon.

“Oh,” I sounded terrified. Which I sort of was.

She noticed, finally turning to look at me, and my heart wrenched. Oh god. Her eyes were getting glossy. So dreadfully glossy. And her lip quivered. No no no, _no_ I did _not_ want Sooyoung to cry. My empathy and concern was so indescribably intense it must’ve shown on my face and she saw it though it only seemed to embarrass her, trying desperately to keep it together. I could see how much effort it took and she didn’t need to do that. She didn’t need to keep all this in.

“It’s fine, we can j-just get together another time,” She grabbed a jacket from a rack and started to put it on. Her movements were shaky now. Her whole body had started to tremble right alongside her voice. She still held the picture tightly in a balled up fist, seemingly unable to put it down or let it go.

“Sooyoung...” I needed to hold her still. Just for a second. She started to move all around the room, putting on her shoes, grabbing her keys, but I didn’t want to leave. I could tell she’d never talked about this. Never, to anyone. She always just kept a stiff upper lip, held it in, pretended it didn’t affect her, and that wasn’t good for you. 

“Come on, let’s go,” She headed for the door and I braced myself for how brave I’d actually have to be.

In one quick motion I stood in front of it, blocking her path. She stopped still, her brow furrowed at me, as if in absolute disbelief that I’d had the courage to do that.

“W-what are you doing...?” She sounded so _scared_. I hated it. Sooyoung wasn’t scared. She was brave and strong and confident. I’d never seen this before and I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. All I knew was that this intense, instinctive protectiveness was rising up in me from somewhere _deep_ and all I wanted to do was hug her.

“I’m sorry about your dad.” I forced out, the blush that had lingered on my cheeks since she’d snatched the picture from me only getting worse. I felt like I was _so_ crossing the line. Like, taking a bounding leap past the line. But I also felt like this line needed to be crossed. Like Sooyoung had drawn this line to protect herself, to preserve her image when it didn’t need to be preserved.

She flinched. The glossiness to her eyes only got more intense, tears visibly clinging to her eyelashes now but she was still keeping it in by nothing short of a miracle. The part that hurt the most to see was how hard she was trying to hold it back. She didn’t have to. I wanted her to feel like she could open up to me. More than anything I wanted that.

She grimaced slightly, as if something had physically hurt her, “I-I... can we just go...?” I could barely hear her she was speaking so softly. The first tear finally escaped her and slid down her cheek and in an instant she’d aggressively wiped it away, taking a step back and trying to turn from me again.

But this time I got closer, ignoring all the parts of me that were saying to just let it go, to let her be alone, to not pry, and I wrapped her in my arms. Tight.

“No,” She tried to pry me off but it was like she didn’t have an ounce of strength left in her. With the weakest push I’d ever felt, she gripped my shoulder and shoved, but I didn’t budge. If anything I just tightened my grip, “No, w-what? Let go,” I shook my head.

“It’s okay.” My voice was nothing more than the sweetest, most reassuring whisper I could possibly manage, and I spoke right into her ear, wanting her to just _listen_ more than I’d ever wanted anything.

And then something just snapped.

The first sob that hit her was so _hard_ it made me jolt, and it was the worst sound I’d ever heard in my whole life. It was followed by more. More and more that _slammed_ into her just as hard as the first. They sounded like they hurt. The only breaths she was taking in were sharp and scarce, the type that would strain your chest from how quickly you’d try to inhale them. She held onto me, her fingers curling and digging against my skin so hard it almost left marks but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I shut my eyes, trying to stop them from burning. She felt so frail and breakable, all I wanted to do was keep her safe. That was all I ever wanted to do, ever again.

Then she started to talk, or well, she tried to. She didn’t sound like herself. She sounded so weak and small and scared, “I miss him,” I felt her legs start to give out, as if actually vocalizing that simple, soft statement drained her of whatever strength she had left. I could’ve held her up, but I didn’t bother, instead just lowering the two of us down to her carpet. She curled against me, balling up fistfuls of my shirt, “God, Jiwoo, I miss him so much, I _miss_ him, it h-hurts...” My heart felt like it was crumbling away into dust. I sighed lightly, starting to rock her back and forth, just wanting her to know that I was there for her.

“Shh, shh... I know...” I muttered to her gently, rubbing circles against her back as she trembled and whimpered, “I know, sweetie...” The nickname left me without needing to think. She didn’t react. 

“I-- he’s supposed to _be_ here, he’s supposed to... be here...” There was a bitterness behind her words, a yearning and a wistfulness. She wanted something she knew was impossible to have. She wanted her dad back, because well, of course she did, but the sentiment behind that was so painful and innocent it just... _hurt_ to hear it said aloud like that. She was so hurt. And she’d kept it all in, presumably even from her own mom. I’d never felt more concern in my entire life.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Sooyoung.” I told her softly, gently kissing the side of her head. She didn’t say anything else. She couldn’t. She just cried and cried for what must have been twenty minutes, and I held her, and let her. 

I would’ve stayed with her like that forever, for as however long as she’d needed, but after a while there was a faint voice calling from downstairs, “Girls! Dinner’s ready!”

Sooyoung’s next sob got caught in her throat and in an _instant,_ literally an _instant_ , she drew away from me and got to her feet like it was nothing. I stood as well, confused but snapped into action by her sudden movements. Her eyes were raw and some of her makeup had run, and I still almost felt like I couldn’t recognize her because of how weak she looked, but I didn’t care about any of that. No, all I cared about was the panic so evident behind her eyes.

“Sooyoung--”

“--Jiwoo, I-I can’t go down like this, please, s-she can’t see, I-I don’t want her to s--” Her words were leaving her in such a frantic jumble I almost couldn’t tell them apart, so I quickly interjected.

“-- _Hey._ ” She stopped, lip still quivering, tears still staining her cheeks and clinging to her eyelashes. Oh my god she just looked so... empty. I hated it so much, “It’s ok. We’ll get you cleaned up, alright? Please calm down, sweetie, it’ll be fine...” She seemed unconvinced, just standing there, trembling uncontrollably.

First thing was first, I cracked Sooyoung’s door open and made sure to call back down to her mom, “Just a minute!” So she wouldn’t try to come up and get us in person. Then I quickly grabbed a tissue from a box on Sooyoung’s nightstand and reached up, planning on dabbing beneath her eyes, but when I reached to do so she stepped slightly away, not expecting the contact and still feeling vulnerable probably.

I insisted, telling her softly, “Let me...”

She didn’t move again when I reached forward, but her whole body kept trembling all the while as I gently wiped away at her smudged makeup and the tear streaks left on her skin. Once that was all cleaned up, I leaned back. She took a deep, deliberate breath, smoothing out her hair for good measure and blinking extra hard a few times.

“Can you tell...?” She asked me weakly, her voice absolutely drained of all vigor and life.

“No.” I reassured her firmly. This time _I_ was the one to clasp _her_ hand, reaching down and intertwining our fingers together. My initial grip was loose, but she instantly tightened her grip. I could feel every time she trembled and it made that same protectiveness arise all over again so strong it felt like it was gonna eat me alive, “C’mon, she’ll wonder why we’re taking so long.” Her only response was a small nod.

Dinner was okay - Sooyoung’s mom spent a lot of it trying to get information about me and my life since she had basically none. Sooyoung would chip in sometimes, talking about college and classes and asking her mom about work. It was really jarring to see how normal she was acting, after I’d had her literally fall apart in my arms mere minutes before. But she wasn’t all the way herself. She picked at her food, took a very small bowl of soup, and left more than half of it in her bowl by the end. The whole time, she held my hand beneath the table, and every now and then her grip would tighten out of nowhere so much it almost hurt, but I wouldn’t even flinch. I was amazed at how fast she’d just turned herself back on, so the little small signs of instability that were creeping through made more than enough sense, and I’d do whatever I could to get her through them.

Multiple times throughout dinner, whatever faint smile she’d managed would just slide straight off her face faster than it should have, and her eyes would get distant. My self-imposed goal for the night was to get her to laugh, just once, even if it was the smallest most pitiful thing, so I told the story of how I almost fell into the penguin enclosure at the zoo when I was a little kid. Surprisingly, it worked. She smiled a bit wider than before, and it wasn’t all the way forced, and the faintest chuckle blessed my ears. Her eyes drifted to me and there was a warmth behind them that made my heart swell. So I told more stories, and more stories, and just tried so hard to distract her, even it was just for a moment. Eventually her vice grip on my hand faded, instead becoming soft caresses where her velvety fingertips would brush along the back of my hand and my wrist.

While dinner was ending and her mother got up to put her dish in the kitchen, Sooyoung watched her closely and as soon as she was out of view her whole body seemed to deflate. She sniffled, sighing heavily and rubbing at the corner of her eye despite me not seeing anything there. Her lip was getting quivery.

I scooted my chair closer to her, “Hey, hey, shh, it’s alright.”

She just took another deep, shaky breath, “Do you think you could get a ride home from someone...? I... feel a bit too out of it to drive tonight.”

I nodded without hesitation, silently glad that she felt comfortable enough to admit that weakness to me so openly, “Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about it...” I trailed off as her mom came back into the room, shooting her a smile and finding myself surprised at how Sooyoung switched herself on again.

Her mom took our bowls, and once she was back in the kitchen called out to us, “How much longer are you staying, Jiwoo? If I’d known you were coming I would’ve made some dessert...”

Sooyoung cleared her throat as if to make sure her voice was steady before responding on my behalf, “Actually, she’s gonna be leaving in a bit. Don’t worry, we’ll have her over some other time and I’ll give you fair warning.” Oh. I hoped she was serious about that and that wasn’t just to sate her mom, because I really would’ve loved to come over another time. Although this visit had been... informative, I wouldn’t mind a less emotionally intense experience in the future.

I asked Chae if her older brother Minjun could come pick me up, since she didn’t know how to drive yet. I would’ve asked Jungeun and I almost did on instinct, before remembering she was grounded again and didn’t get to use her car. That happened a lot. Sooyoung and I went back to that sitting room by the front door while I waited for Minjun, and she just sat in that same armchair and wrapped her arms around herself. Her mom had gone to her office, so Sooyoung felt comfortable showing her weakness again, and boy did it show. She trembled, her eyes glossy but not shedding any more tears, staring down at the floor and never once looking at me. I wasn’t sure if I should say something or if she just wanted us to be quiet, so I stayed silent, just staring at her.

I was so glad she’d opened up to me like that. So glad she’d relied on me and confided in me, but god did I wish it was about something simpler. Something I might have actually been able to fix, something that wasn’t as soul-crushing as grief was, something I’d dealt with before so I could properly emphasize and offer advice that wasn’t totally hollow, but it wasn’t. It was something hard and bleak and depressing and something I had absolutely no experience with, so I felt useless. So frustrating useless. Despite that, I did my best. I summoned back my optimism and did my very best to help. And while we sat there in silence, her just trying to keep it together and me with my mind wandering madly, I felt like I hadn’t really done much.

My phone buzzed with a text from Minjun saying he was there, and I got to my feet. Sooyoung blinked hard, seeming to be pulled back to the earth from my motion, and stood. She walked me the short distance to the door, and just as I went to open it, I suddenly felt those arms thrown around me again.

She held me close. Her body still trembled but the embrace was firm, soft, warm. She wasn’t clinging to me like she had up in her room, rather just... letting me hold her, like she wanted to be held. She was taller, but she dipped her head, resting it in the crook of my neck and taking deep, measured breaths. I ran my hand up and down her back, shutting my eyes, breathing her in and just letting her hug me for as long as she needed to.

It turned out three minutes was what she needed, according to the timestamps on the next text Minjun sent me asking if he had the right address. When she heard my phone buzz, it seemed to snap her out of it yet again, and she drew away. Her face was blank and her eyes were red around the rims.

I stood on my tiptoes and planted a soft, lingering kiss on her forehead, whispering to her gently, “I’m here for you. Please know that.” If she took anything away from this night, that was what I wanted it to be. So having it be my parting words seemed fitting. Her only response was a small, vague nod. I think she understood.

I forced myself out the door, knowing I could’ve stayed for much longer but also sensing her walls coming back up and that she wanted to be alone to piece herself back together, which she had every right to do. I shut the door behind me and I heard her lock it.

God I just hoped she didn’t cry anymore without me there.

Just the thought of it kept me awake.


	7. Answers (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwoo finally gets closure. But are they the ones she wants, or the ones she's been afraid of?

It was raining. Pouring, really. The drops slammed audibly against the windows and pounded against the road. Cars drove by slower than normal and sometimes thunder would rumble. I waited for Jungeun to say something about wanting the power to go out, like she always did when it stormed, but she didn’t. No, she just stood by her station, resting her head on her hand as she stared out at the rain. Her eyes had nothing behind them and her face was so blank it almost didn’t look like hers.

I was staring down at my phone, the screen bright and making my eyes sting from how long I kept looking, but I couldn’t help it. You’d think I would’ve stopped, since there really wasn’t much to look at besides the same string of two or three texts. Yet I clung to that small hope that I’d see three little dots start to come up. Maybe she thought of me. Maybe she had something to say. Maybe she wanted to make a plan with me. Maybe she’d text me all on her own for the first time in almost a month and a half instead of me desperately reaching out to no avail. But it wasn’t happening. It hadn’t happened for the past three hours of my shift, and it probably wasn’t going to happen for the rest of it.

The stream of customers was inconsistent and slow. We had enough time to hover and get lost in our thoughts, and although we normally would’ve been happy for the time to relax and chat and goof off, right now our thoughts were not something we wanted to get lost in.

Jungeun came out to her parents, and they’d taken it as badly as anyone could possibly take it. She hadn’t given me the details, she just wasn’t able to - she’d just come into work one day with smudged makeup and a frown so bitter it made my chest ache. Before I’d even had a chance to ask what was wrong, she’d fallen into my arms, clinging to me harder than she ever had before, and I held onto her for what must’ve been fifteen straight minutes. Mingyu got mad and told us he needed help at the counter, but when I tried to let her go, she just held onto me even tighter.

I’d worked an explanation out of her over the duration of our eight hour shift. After coming out, they’d gotten so furious they’d practically disowned her. She’d spent the night at Jinsol’s dorm room, and now she was so intensely grounded she could hardly even breathe without supervision. Her parents picked her up from work now, they’d confiscated her car keys and forced her to block Jinsol’s number. They started to track her phone so they could always tell where she went. Jungeun was desperate. Despite everything her parents were telling her, she and Jinsol were going strong regardless. Whenever Jinsol had a free moment she was in the shop, sitting at a table, even if she couldn’t talk to Jungeun cuz she was busy with customers she’d just sit there and shoot her smiles and heart eyes and even just her presence was enough to make Jungeun come back to life for a few minutes. Jungeun would use our phones to text her in secret: I knew the schedule - it was my phone while we were working, Heejin’s phone during first period, Chae’s second period and Yerim’s for the rest of the day. We’d do anything if it meant making Jungeun’s life just a bit easier. Letting her use our phones was the absolute least we could do.

My phone dinged and I was snapped out of my cloudy train of thought, blinking hard. My heart skipped a beat and I frantically looked back at my phone, but there was nothing from Sooyoung. My body that had been flooded with a sudden rush of adrenaline deflated all over again, the up and down so abrupt and intense it felt like I was sinking into the floor. It was a text from Jinsol. Before I had a chance to relay what it said to Jungeun, she had already gravitated straight to my side.

“What is it? Jinsol?” A small, dim spark lit behind her eyes that made her look ever so slightly like herself again. Her voice did that thing it always did whenever Jinsol was around or brought up, lightening and daring to sound even the slightest bit hopeful. It was nice to see her like this. It’d gotten more and more rare.

I just wordlessly opened the text, Jungeun standing behind me and looking over my shoulder to read the words typed there with bated breath.

_Jinsol: hey jiwoo, please let jungeun read this: babe i’m so sorry but if i don’t study for my exam tomorrow i’m not gonna pass this class. i don’t think i can manage to stop by today, i’m so so sorry. don’t worry and please don’t be sad, i’ll see you soon ok? i promise, and i’ll be thinking about you all day long. hang in there <3 _

Oh. I felt the air get heavy and weighted with such palpable despair that it spread straight into me.

“Oh...” Jungeun muttered under her breath, stepping away from me and dredging back toward her side of the counter. God she sounded so defeated. I hated it so much.

I turned to face her, “Are you okay...?” That was a dumb question and I knew it was, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. I’d been so out of it lately all my normal intuitions about what to do in situations like this seemed distorted.

“Yeah. I’m fine. She needs to study, she’s been having a hard time keeping her grades up...” Her voice was hollow again, sinking back into the shell of herself that I’d gotten unfortunately pretty used to this past week. She frowned, “Just... really needed to see her today.” I knew what she meant. And I knew she wasn’t exaggerating. She really did _need_ it. Seeing Jinsol was probably the only thing keeping her going these days and now she didn’t even have that. My heart wrenched.

I tried desperately to think of some sort of alternative, of anything that might help her, “Wanna take my phone? You could go on break, it’s slow right now. Facetime her?” More than anything I just wanted to see her smile. I loved her and she was one of my best friends and it seemed like everyone was more sad than happy lately, including me, and I was sick of it. I missed when things were simpler and we were happy and carefree and fun. We were young, things weren’t supposed to be this hard yet right? I mean yeah we graduated in like, six days, but couldn’t we at least have some fun _before_ being shoved brutally into the real adult world?

She sighed heavily, running her hand down her face. She had bags under her eyes now and it seemed like they were permanent. One time I asked her how much sleep she was getting and she refused to tell me because she didn’t want me to worry, which was ironically counterintuitive and made me worry even more.

“No. Thank you, but when we Facetime the calls last too long, and if it was bad enough for her to cancel then she definitely needs the time for studying...” She really really cared about Jinsol. Their relationship was so pure and sweet, one of the few things that used to brighten my day just to be near it. At first it made me slightly jealous, even though I hated to admit it, but now I missed seeing it.

I missed seeing Jungeun happy. I missed her sarcastic remarks and her quips about rude customers. I missed her smile and her laugh, hell I even missed her complaints about how much she hated the job. Now she had much bigger things to complain about, like her parents, or how close she was to getting kicked out of her house, or how she didn’t know what school she was going to or if she even was going to school. But she didn’t complain about those things, peculiarly enough. She held it all in and I knew it was festering, but I didn’t want to pry.

I watched her as she adjusted the cap atop her head and took a deep breath, composing herself, “Sorry, it’s... enough about me, what about Sooyoung?” I couldn’t believe she had just legitimately said “enough about me,” as if she’d just spent an inconsiderate amount of time ranting about herself. God. It sucked to see her like this.

I stepped closer to her, glad that there weren’t any customers coming up to the counter because I really felt like I might be able to get her to talk. Despite how little she tended to share, I felt like she needed to be a bit more open. She was bottling so much up. If I was dealing with even a fraction of what she was, I would’ve been a mess 24 hours a day. Was she really asking me about Sooyoung? As if my petty confusion about Sooyoung was even remotely comparable to what was going on with her, “We can talk about you, Jungeun. You’re dealing with a lot, and I wish I could--”

She held up a weak, trembling hand to me and it was more than enough to stop me in my tracks, “Please. Not right now. I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ll start crying if I talk about this and I’ve still got four hours left in this prison, okay?” Her voice was so quiet I almost couldn’t hear it, the ambient sound of the cafe’s indie music almost loud enough to make the words dissipate into thin air.

All I wanted to do was hug her, but I knew that wasn’t what she wanted. I took a slight step from her, just to show that I didn’t plan on it, but she didn’t notice, far too wrapped up in her own turmoil, “Ok. Whatever you need. But please know I’m here.”

All I got was a nod, and that was all I was going to get, and that was more than okay. The bell above the door jingled, and the sound of raindrops pounding against asphalt and the canvas of umbrellas could be heard as a customer ducked inside. Jungeun’s gaze lazily drifted to them, and the weakest, most contrived sense of a smile made its way to her face, but I stepped up to the counter before she had the chance. She wordlessly expressed her gratitude by placing a gentle hand against the small of my back, and made herself look busy by checking our stock.

The customer thankfully didn’t plan on sticking around, mumbling something under his breath about needing to get to work even in this weather. I just beamed at him and wished him luck as he went back outside, immediately getting pummeled by the raindrops.

Every ounce of my attention was instantly brought back to Jungeun, and how I might be able to make this easier on her. My mind flashed back to the question she’d asked me, and I wondered if she actually wanted to know the answer.

Clearing my throat slightly, I turned back around to face her, “... Sooyoung is sort of ghosting me again.” I felt so whiny complaining about my problems. Mine were petty and insignificant while hers were devastating and life-changing. I watched Jungeun’s face carefully, trying to catch even the slightest roll of her eyes or tinge of annoyance at my complaints, but there was nothing. No, she looked genuinely interested and concerned. She wanted to help, she was worried. I was so lucky to have her as a friend, and although I always felt that, the sentiment was just amplified for a few moments.

“Oh.” She crossed her arms, glaring ever so slightly. I thought back to when Jungeun claimed Sooyoung “didn’t deserve me,” and I wondered if she still thought that. I had a feeling if those two every sat in a room together for more than a few minutes, their personalities might clash. Jungeun didn’t show it too often but she was definitely protective of me, which I appreciated, “She likes doing that, huh?” There was audible distaste behind her voice.

I shrugged, not sure how to respond, “Yeah, I guess.” It wasn’t as simple as I was making it sound. But it absolutely wasn’t my place to relay anything that Sooyoung had told me that night at her house. And I didn’t plan to. She hadn’t explicitly said to keep it in confidence, but I knew. So I wasn’t quite sure how to explain the weird position I was in without disclosing things I shouldn’t. I guess I’d just have to be vague, and hope whatever advice she gave me would be enough?

Her eyes narrowed at me slightly, “Have you guys...? Again?”

It took me a second or two to understand what she was implying, and I jumped to respond, “No, no. Not since the last time.” I felt like so much was different now that Sooyoung had actually opened up to me. The last few times she’d ghosted me, I’d been left wondering if she was just using me, if she liked me, if she didn’t care about me, but now? This time? I was worried I’d overstepped my bounds. Pushed her away by forcing her to talk about and address things she wasn’t ready to address, and overstayed my welcome just as I felt like I was starting to get through to her and make a real impact. Although the circumstances were drastically different, I still had absolutely no idea what I should do. 

She seemed relieved at my answer, “Well that’s something at least. Right?” I appreciated her outlook, but she really didn’t have the whole picture. It wasn’t like I could blame her, but it wasn’t like I could tell her either.

“I guess...” I took a deep breath, letting it out as my shoulders slumped, “I thought we were getting closer. Our last date, we had this like... really big moment, emotionally, and I thought things would finally be different, but I think it scared her off somehow...” The look on Sooyoung’s face, her devastation and vulnerability and the emptiness behind her eyes, it... it was all I’d been able to think about for the two weeks since I’d seen her. I remembered the way she’d clung to me so desperately before I’d left that night, and now all _I_ wanted to do was cling to _her_ like that.

Jungeun nodded slowly, taking all that in, and seeming to know wordlessly that she wasn’t supposed to pry for anything more, “Scared of emotions? I mean, yeah they’re sorta scary but also unavoidable.” I felt her eyes follow me back and forth as I started to nervously pace, fiddling with my fingers.

“I know. She’s good at avoiding them though... or she just doesn’t feel them at all...” When I said that, I wasn’t referring to her feelings in general, because she definitely felt those - just suppressed them. I was referring to her feelings for me.

Jungeun was quick to try and shut down my fears, “She does. You can’t just not feel emotions. What is she, a robot?”

“No,” My response was immediate, reflective, almost defensive, “She’s amazing.”

I heard a slight scoff, and I looked away from my shoes to instead glance back at her, “God, sometimes I forget how whipped you are.”

I laughed slightly. For some reason, that felt like an understatement. And although it was sort of funny and weirdly reminiscent to think back to simpler days where I was just some flustered lesbian who’d fawned over girls I didn’t know and would say I was “whipped,” it also sort of scared me when I realized just how much further this went. I felt a tightness in my stomach, a sinking feeling that was also strangely merging with the swelling of my heart that I always felt whenever I thought of Sooyoung. God... I was _so_ much more than whipped. But how far did it go...?

Jungeun’s voice snapped me out of that jarring train of thought, her voice decisive and her statement almost sounding like an order more than a suggestion, “Invite her to graduation.”

My brow furrowed, “What?”

“Invite her. It’s a pretty significant thing, she’d probably be happy to come.”

My lips parted, almost instinctively telling her that yes, that was such a good idea, a perfect excuse for a plan for a hangout without it seeming like I was grasping at straws, but I paused. I remembered what happened to Sooyoung at around the time she graduated, and my chest tightened even more at the thought. I wondered if she had bad associations with it. Who was I kidding, of course she did. Right...? I couldn’t ask her to come. I just couldn’t. What if she didn’t want to go? What if that was being inconsiderate? I didn’t know what to do.

“Um... I guess...” I didn’t have an excuse for Jungeun. Nothing valid. Nothing without explaining things I wasn’t supposed to.

“Why ‘I guess?’ Why wouldn’t she want to?” My stomach dropped and I turned away from her, not sure how I was going to answer.

“Um... nothing. I dunno.” _Solid explanation, Jiwoo._ I grimaced, glad she couldn’t see my face as I shut my eyes slightly. God, why couldn’t I just come up with something more convincing? Something that wouldn’t make her wonder? I was just trying so hard to process things, to not say anything wrong. Ever since the last time I’d seen Sooyoung and she’d opened up, it felt like I was walking on eggshells, like I was seconds away from ruining something all the time.

Poor Jungeun just wanted to help. She didn’t get it, though. She reached forward, resting her hand gently against my side, “Text her. If she doesn’t want to come then I think you sort of know where you stand, and if she does, yay! You get to see her in like a week.”

_I wish it was that simple..._ I thought to myself, frowning, “Six days.”

“Huh?”

I opened my eyes as she moved to stand at my side, resting her head on her hand and leaning against the counter, “We graduate in six days, not a week.” I was only semi-surprised that it’d slipped her mind, she had so much going on.

She sighed, shaking her head back and forth, “Right. Sorry. I really haven’t been keeping track of time lately.”

I snapped myself out of the Sooyoung-confusion-induced funk I’d fallen into, jumping right back into my natural state: comforting all my amazing friends, “Hey. Don’t you even dare try to apologize for any--” I froze, my words getting caught in my throat when I heard my phone chime and felt it buzz in my apron pocket.

Jungeun gravitated against my side, looking over my shoulder in anticipation as I whipped my phone out so fast it almost flew from my hand.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : hey, sorry for being MIA. how’ve you been? also sorry if you’re at work, you don’t have to answer if you are_

I laughed lightly, as if I wouldn’t respond to a text from _Sooyoung_ just because I was at work. But I also realized Sooyoung had never really apologized to be for not responding before, at least not so blatantly. And she’d also never apologized for potentially texting me during a shift. And it was so intensely rare for her to text me first. Every part of this was out of character, and that definitely meant that something was different. So I wasn’t making unjustified assumptions, this _was_ different. We were different. God I just hoped it was a good different, not a bad different.

Jungeun nudged me, I guess I’d stared at the text without saying anything for a bit too long, “Speak of the devil. This is a perfect time to invite her to graduation.” I didn’t do anything. Staring dead at the text, reading it over and over again for good measure. She nudged me again, her elbow jabbing my side, “Hey. C’mon.”

“Huh? Um... right.”

_hi! i am working but who cares lol, actually, i’m graduating in 6 days!_

That was pretty neutral, right? No plan or anything. Just a statement.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : oh, that’s exciting_

I frowned. Jungeun nudged me again, “Ask her to come. She’s waiting for an invite.”  
  


My eyebrow raised, “Is she?” I wasn’t sure how confidently she gathered that from such a brief, nothing text.

“Yeah. Is she really one to invite herself to something?” That was a good point. Maybe she did want to come but she felt too awkward to ask herself...? Ugh. I couldn’t tell. Part of me just wanted to call her, so that I could read her tone and try to tell what she really meant and how she was feeling, but I decided against it. I’d never called her before. Maybe I was already reading into things too much.

“No... I guess not.”

Jungeun rested her head sweetly on my shoulder, “Seriously, why’re you so nervous?”

I couldn’t tell her. I could barely explain myself. So... I should just ask. Right? Maybe I could send her a follow-up text later and preface that she definitely didn’t have to come?

_yeah!! would you maybe want to come?_

The three small dots popped up in an instant, something else that rarely ever happened, and I felt Jungeun lean closer in anticipation. I was glad this was at least getting her mind off things.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i don’t think i can make it_

My heart sank ever so slightly, but the dots were still going.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i’m sorry sweetie but_ _i’ll be out of the city that day visiting family._

Jungeun pouted and stepped away from me with a shrug, seeming convinced of the explanation, but I wasn’t so sure. That could easily be an excuse. But she had absolutely every right to make an excuse, and I wasn’t gonna ask anymore.

_it’s ok, don’t worry about it - i totally understand <3_

The bell jingled above the door and I instinctively tucked my phone back into my pocket, but Jungeun waved at me dismissively, gesturing for me to keep texting. I beamed at her, my phone buzzing unexpectedly soon yet again.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : would you like anything? i could get you a little congratulatory present?_

My heart swelled. Oh my god. Had Sooyoung, emotionally distant, reluctant to show feelings and be sentimental Sooyoung, just offered to buy me a gift because I was graduating? I didn’t know what to say. Maybe that hadn’t been an excuse, then? Maybe she really did want to come, and she felt bad about being genuinely busy, so she wanted to get me a present to make up for it?

_no, that’s so sweet omg, but no!_

_♡ sooyoung♡ : you’re sure you wouldn’t like anything?_

_i’d like to see you_

Oops. I hadn’t meant to say that, I’d just texted it without thinking. More than anything I wished I could somehow proactively delete that text so she’d never see it, but it was too late. I cursed slightly under my breath. That was inconsiderate, I should’ve just... let it go, but it was like an instinct. I quickly started texting something else, to counteract it, or something, anything, but she sent something else before I had the chance.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i’m sorry :(_

My heart sank at the frowny face, picturing it in reality and hating the thought of her being sad in the slightest.

_no no it’s ok! i didn’t mean at graduation, i just meant in general! I just want to see you, it’s been a while_

That wasn’t the worst explanation I could’ve given, thankfully, and I think she bought it. It wasn’t a lie, either. More than anything I wanted to see her. All I wanted was to see her.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i know. the semester is ending and i’ve got a ton of work, that’s all._

_yeah, i bet that’s a lot! just hope to see you soon. maybe once classes are all done?_

I didn’t want to push her, or add any sort of pressure to her already presumably stressful life, but... I wasn’t gonna pretend like I wasn’t missing her every second she wasn’t around, or like she wasn’t on my mind constantly. Okay, well, maybe I wouldn’t say explicitly _that_ , but I didn’t plan on acting like I was super cool with the extent of our separation.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i’ll let you know ok?_

_no worries~~_

I sighed to myself, tucking my phone away and doing my best to put my focus on my shift and on Jungeun. She didn’t bring up Sooyoung again, surprisingly, and I didn’t bring up Jinsol or her situation or anything of the sort. I talked about school and graduation and the weather and how Chae might be getting a dog. I tried to distract her, hell, distract the both of us, because we needed it. The shift dragged on, uneventful, with only a few straggling customers, and the rain never did let up. We were closing, which I always thought was sort of fun. I liked the way the place looked after all the lights got turned off and we put the chairs up on the table so the openers could mop easier.

Jungeun frowned as she frustratingly set one of the last chairs up on one of the corner tables, “Do you have a ride, Jiwoo?” She asked quietly, looking out at the rain.

I sighed, hovering by the window and considering my options, “No... I’ll figure it out, I guess!”

“I’m sorry, I’d offer you a ride but I don’t have a car. And my parents won’t let another girl anywhere near me because they just assume that I’m gay with all my friends now.” The way she said that was funny, and it even had the slight cadence of humor, but the sentiment behind it was bitter and sad. It was true, none of us had really had a chance to hang out with her besides school, and I was thankful I got to see her at work.

“It’s okay, I’ll...” I thought back to the last time I’d been stranded here in a rainstorm, which had just happened to be um, yaknow, _that_ night. And I remembered the offer Sooyoung had given me, that I was supposed to call her. So... I guess I should, “I can call someone. It’ll be fine.”

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind and I jumped slightly from surprise, not having expected that, but leaning into the contact. Wow, I needed it more than I thought. And I think she did too, judging by the way her grip tightened ever so slightly and her head nestled into my shoulder. She didn’t say anything. Not for a while. We just stood there like that and listened to the sound of the rain against the windows, and for some reason I had this weird feeling that moments like this were going to get further and farther between.

She took a deep breath before withdrawing, “Ok, um... I’ll go lock up.” She spun on her heel, heading to the break room with the keys she’d been given. I nodded, leaning against the counter and looking at my phone. Sooyoung had read my text a few hours before, but didn’t bother to answer. I guess I hadn’t really expected a reply.

Jungeun came back out, twirling the keys idly in her hand, “My parents are out front, so I’ve gotta go. Did you call who you said you would? I don’t want to leave you abandoned here.”

I cleared my throat, staring down at Sooyoung’s contact, my thumb hovering nervously over the call button. I wasn’t sure why I was so hesitant. She’d mentioned earlier she was busy. She was probably in her room, studying hard for exams, stressed. Should I really interrupt her? Bother her like that? I knew my mom was probably asleep by now cuz she always had shifts at 5 AM, and my dad was out of town. None of my other friends had cars besides Jungeun. So Sooyoung was my only option.

“Um, no... not yet, I--”

“--Looks like you might not have to.” She stated matter-of-factly, confusing me. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, only to see her pointing out the window toward the door.

It was Sooyoung. She stood, umbrella in hand, even though it wasn’t too effective - the wind causing the rain to come down in a diagonal slant that hit most of her lower half. I could see the way the ends of her coat dripped slightly. She hugged herself with her free hand, staring down at the concrete and bouncing slightly up and down on her heels.

“Wha...?” I started to ask nobody in particular, for some reason looking down at my phone as if checking to see if I’d somehow called Sooyoung by mistake. Obviously I hadn’t. So she’d come here on her own, without me even needing to ask. My heart started beating faster as soon as I’d laid eyes on her. Wow, I’d never really get used to how beautiful she was, would I?

A semi-familiar looking car pulled further up the street outside, it’s headlights cutting a path of visibility through the dense rain. Whoever was behind the wheel honked the horn quickly and unnecessarily, making poor Sooyoung jump slightly and shoot a pointed look at the driver. That was cute. She was startled. That was Jungeun’s parents - they tended to resort to honking if she was so much as thirty seconds late.

“Ah, shit.” Jungeun quickly threw her backpack onto her shoulders, adjusting the cap on her head so it’d better shield her face in the rain as she rounded the counter and headed to the door. I followed her wordlessly, knowing that she needed me outside before she locked the front door, “Have fun with your girlfriend, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I flinched, “Girlfriend? She’s not... I...” I didn’t know what to say, my brain short circuiting further and further with every step I took closer to Sooyoung. She still hadn’t matched either of our gazes, seeming strangely adamant to stare down at the sidewalk even though it was pretty clear she was waiting for me.

I ducked beneath the small, unprotective awning beneath the front of the store as Jungeun quickly locked the door behind us, waved vaguely at me and dove the short distance into the passenger’s side of her parent’s car that sped off down the street only a second after she’d made it inside. I almost didn’t notice the way that I could audibly hear her father start to yell at her before the door even had a chance to shut. My stomach sank ever so slightly at the sound, but I was a bit too overwhelmed by the fact that a timid looking, half-wet Sooyoung now stood at my side, for some reason a fair distance from me.

“Sooyoung?” I had to raise my voice for her to hear me over the almost deafening sound of the rain against the pavement and the awning just barely protecting me from the downpour. Some of the raindrops splattered against the sidewalk and made my sneakers wet, “How long have you been waiting?”

She stepped slightly closer, our eyes having locked and the contact being held effortlessly, “Not long, just... like fifteen minutes...”

I almost didn’t catch that confession, but once I processed it my eyes widened. “Fifteen-- what?? In this?” I gestured vaguely around us and she frowned slightly, “Why didn’t you come in, you--”

She cut me off, shaking her head back and forth. Her body was subtly shaking, and I couldn’t tell if it was from the slight chill to the air, because she was more wet than I could tell from how long she’d been in the rain, or something else entirely, “I-I dunno... you guys were closing up.”

“Yeah, but...” I made my voice soft, not accusatory. I felt like I had to be patient with her, even if I didn’t quite understand her motives, “You’re all wet, you could’ve--”

“--it’s fine. Come on, I parked down the street.” Without another word, she’d stepped closer, clasping my hand with her free one and tugging me closer so I’d be sheltered under part of her umbrella. She adjusted it so that it covered me more completely, exposing one of her shoulders to the rain as a result. I didn’t even try to protest, knowing that it was going to be pointless. Instead I wrapped my hands around her arm, clinging to her, not liking how cold her hand was when it had latched onto mine.

“Where are we going?” I asked softly, the rain pelting against the umbrella above us relentlessly.

“I’m bringing you home. It’s raining, you shouldn’t walk.” Her tone was sincere. Gentle. It made me feel... safe. Taken care of. More than anything I was in awe. How could she do that so easily, when the last time I’d seen her she’d needed so much support and help and unconditional reassurance? Now she almost seemed strong. But maybe it was an act. Part of me wasn’t buying it.

“I... I was gonna call you, you didn’t have to wait--”

“Shush.” She stopped walking once we’d gotten to her car, and she unlocked it with keys from her pocket. Like always, she held the door open for me, making sure to hold the umbrella above me so not a single drop of rain hit my head as I got inside. It exposed her completely to the rain for a solid few seconds, but she pretended to be unfazed.

She got into the other side, tossing her umbrella into the back seat and driving off cautiously down the road. The rain pummeled the roof of the car and the windshield, helping only slightly to drown out my bustling thoughts. She turned the windshield wipers on as fast as they could go, not so much as glancing at me since she’d gotten in the car. She drove wordlessly and carefully on the route she’d gone through only once to my house, seeming to remember it perfectly. I just sat there, wondering what I should say, if I should say anything, if she just wanted to focus or if she didn’t much feel like talking. She had been sort of quiet, so... maybe for a reason? Maybe she was tired? Or in a hurry? Or...? something else? I wanted to hold her hand. Sit on her lap. Wrap her in my arms and hold her as tightly as I could, burrow myself into her wool penny coat and fall asleep there. But I kept my distance. Stayed in my seat, with my hands clasped together, listening to the rain. Listening to her breathing, and the way it was getting ever so slightly uneven the closer we got to my house.

Right as she turned onto my street, I finally forced some words out that had been lingering at the top of my chest for the entire eight minute ride, “Thank you.”

Her response was instantaneous, almost oddly so, like she’d anticipated me saying that and had just been waiting for it this whole time, “Don’t mention it.”

I pursed my lips, daring to glance toward her. Her gaze was dead-focused on the road, not faltering for even a second, “Um... how was your day? Did you have any exams?”

“No. I just studied a lot.” She told me, sounding indifferent. I wondered if that was how she was really feeling. I wondered if I should ask, or if that was out of line, if I was making unjust assumptions.

“That’s good... are you nervous?” I’d be nervous. I’d be super nervous about exams, I tended to get really stressed about tests. College would probably be rough on me. All of those thoughts were things my hyperactive, talkative self normally would’ve just vocalized right then and there, but I decided against it. She didn’t need to hear all that, and although I was trying, I had a feeling she wasn’t much up for talking. 

She shrugged ever so slightly, the motion almost indiscernible, “Sort of.”

“Ah.... I’m sure you’ll do great. But I’ll wish you good luck anyways...” I told her in the brightest possible tone, still consciously keeping back my usual optimism just because I felt like it... wasn’t appropriate right then, if that makes sense. Not that she seemed like she wouldn’t be receptive to it, I just... I dunno. It was a vibe I was getting. Believe it or not, I’d gotten a bit better at reading Sooyoung, at picking up minute signals. She wasn’t in a mood to try and match any sort of positive energy I threw at her, so I kept it to myself.

Her gaze flitted to me for a second. Just a second, but our eyes met again, like she wanted me to know that she meant what she said next, “...Thank you.” That was so sincere. Like... she’d never appreciated anything more than me wishing her good luck on her exams. I just smiled at her. I wasn’t sure what else to do.

I could see my house down the road. My mom had left the front porch light on for me, like she always did when I had to close. It brought something else to mind, and I cautiously asked, “How’s your mom?”

Her response was immediate again, but not like she’d anticipated the question;, instead like it was a defensive, default response for when anyone asked her that question, like a reflex almost.: “Fine.”

Was that true...?

I didn’t bother saying anything else as she pulled into the driveway, clearly trying to get me as close to my front door as she could so I wouldn’t get too wet. We just sat there together, wordlessly, the sound of the rain still creating an ambient noise that made this silence not feel like silence. Honestly I would’ve been content to just sit there like that, the inside of her car warm from her heaters and the vague smell of her perfume bringing back innumerable, vastly varying memories. But I felt like I needed to ask something. Something more direct, something less casual, because it was important. If she didn’t want to answer, she didn’t have to. That was totally her choice. But it couldn’t hurt to ask.

I took a slightly measured breath, turning my head to look at her. She still stared dead ahead, as if we were on the road and she was trying to watch her driving even though technically she was just staring at my garage door with a peculiar intensity, “... How are you?”

She flinched visibly, my question catching her off guard, “What?”

I unbuckled my seatbelt, shifting in my seat so that my whole body faced her. The motion was significant enough for her to finally move her eyes to me, and once I could look at them I saw that she almost seemed scared. But that emotion, that fear, it was accompanied by so many other feelings I couldn’t discern or single out, so I wasn’t sure how to read it. How to read her. 

I just had to be patient, yet persistent. Understanding yet questioning. I had to maintain a lot of hard balances, but I was willing to do it if it was even remotely helpful to her, “Are you... ok?” Her brow furrowed slightly, and I carefully considered what I should say next before wording it as precisely as I could, “You don’t have to come to graduation. I... get why you wouldn’t want to...” I realized only after I’d said it that I may be bringing things up I had no right to bring up, resurfacing things that were deliberately being pushed beneath the surface. Oops.

“What?” The fear behind her eyes got more prominent for a second, and I definitely regretted bringing it up, “Why wouldn’t I want to?”

Now that I thought about it, Sooyoung had no idea that I knew about the um... circumstances about what happened with her dad. Her mom had told me while she’d been out of the room, and had even made sure to quickly change the topic once she’d been back in earshot. That’d been pretty deliberate, too - she hadn’t wanted Sooyoung to hear her talking about it, so naturally I could assume that Sooyoung didn’t want to be reminded. And like a big, stupid idiot, I’d just brought it back to the forefront of her mind without thinking. I almost wanted to slap myself.

Instead, I tried to play it off. Even if she didn’t buy the excuse, at the very least I was giving her an opportunity to avoid the discussion. At this point that was all I really could do, since I’d already made a mistake, “Um, nothing.” My gaze flitted from her, not quite able to maintain our eye contact anymore now that I was technically lying.

She looked away as well, still gripping the steering wheel, her eyes following the way the windshield wipers went back and forth, like she was hypnotized by them. I watched them too, not sure what else to do, the artificial heat of the car starting to seem more suffocating than comforting. When she spoke, her voice was hollow. Empty. Sort of like how it had been that night when she’d broken down in my arms and seemed so small and fragile, “I want to. It’s just... I’m... not a fan of graduations.”

That was such an understatement, but she didn’t know I knew that. And I wasn’t sure if she’d want to know that I knew that. Would she appreciate that I was pretending like I knew less than I did just for her sake, or would she not like that I was in essence lying by omission? Would she be frustrated that I got that pretty sensitive information from someone that wasn’t her? God, I didn’t know what to do, but the last thing I wanted was to make this any harder for her than it already was.

I cautiously reached forward and rested a gentle hand on her knee. She didn’t react in the slightest and it just made me tighten my grip, “It’s ok. You don’t have to.” I really meant that. She didn’t have to. If it would be hard for her, in even the slightest way, she didn’t have to, and I wanted her to know that.

She frowned bitterly, shutting her eyes for a few moments. I trailed my hand gently up her knee, rubbing a soft circle against her thigh, just wanting her to know that I was there and patient and there was no rush, and I was serious, “I want to...” I almost couldn’t hear her, the rain so loud that her airy whisper was nearly lost to me. I scooted closer in my seat, effortlessly drawn to her.

How could I reassure her without letting on that I understood her motives? To her, this might just seem like I was being overly polite, like I was telling her she didn’t have to come when deep down I wanted her to, but that wasn’t the case. My stomach was in knots, and all I could think to do was make my voice as sincere as possible, “I get it. You don’t have to, honey...”

“I... want to...” She was even quieter that time. Her eyes were getting glossy, and I noted the way that her lip started to quiver. No. Oh no no. Her slender fingers gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles and she blinked rapidly, trying so hard to keep it together. My heart wrenched.

“Hey, it’s okay, I--” I moved my hand to instead rest it on her shoulder, but as soon as she felt the contact she frantically shrugged it off, practically recoiling.

“--Don’t... just...” Her voice was harsh, unintentionally so. When her sharp gaze moved to me and she saw my face, how sincere I was, how genuinely concerned, her expression softened in an instant, all the automatic defensiveness drained straight out of her. Once it was gone, I got to see that rare vulnerability again, the fragility and the pain. She quickly looked away, sniffling ever so slightly, “... Go inside. Go to bed.”

My brow crinkled. I didn’t want to leave her like this, to deal with this turmoil all by herself. She didn’t have to do that anymore. She had me now, and more than anything I wanted to help her in any way that I could, and I hoped she knew that, “Sooyoung...”

She cut off whatever pleas I had planned on cautiously making, instead countering with her own, “Please, just do this for me.”

If that was what she needed, and it seemed like it was, of course I’d do whatever she said. I guess this time she wanted to deal with it alone. And although a huge part of me felt like I should say something, like I should just reiterate for good measure that she _wasn’t_ on her own anymore, that she had someone who would be more than content to just sit at her side wordlessly and hold her hand while she went through whatever she had to, I had a feeling now wasn’t the time. She wanted to be alone, and if I really wanted to help, I should give her what she wanted, with no more pressure being placed on her when she was already dealing with so much. 

I backed up to be more in my own seat, nodding ever so slightly, “Okay.” By this point, she’d shut her eyes, not seeming to plan on opening them any time soon. More than anything she seemed exhausted. Like these intense emotions that had unexpectedly crept up on her had drained her of all energy. She looked small again. Timid, empty, and weak, and it was so unlike the Sooyoung I’d gotten used to. My chest ached. I wanted to stay with her. Help her. But she didn’t want that, so I had to go.

But before I did, I made sure to lean closer and place a quick kiss on her cheek. She flinched visibly, not at all having expected the contact, but by the time she’d opened her eyes to look at me with mild confusion, I had already opened the door and started to leave, “Goodnight, Sooyoung.” The rain had calmed down and I hadn’t even noticed, the downpour dwindling to a drizzle.

As I headed up my walkway, I heard the sound of a car window being rolled down, and I looked over my shoulder. Sooyoung looked out at me, eyes still glistening, but with the faintest semblance of a smile gracing her impossibly gorgeous face, “Goodnight.”

My heart beat at twice the speed for the rest of the night, even just from that.

***

I hovered by the double doors to the gymnasium, able to hear the hum of conversation through it. I’d seen it beforehand, all the chairs looking like a sea, and knowing that they were all filled now was enough to make me start sweating. I wasn’t too great on a stage, unless I was singing. Chae had tried to force me to join drama with her during her first year, yaknow, for *~*~ _acting_ ~*~*, and I’d somehow managed to trip and almost fall on my way up the steps, and to freeze up and fumble over my words so badly that poor Chae just politely tugged me out of view. We didn’t tend to speak of that, and neither did anyone who was unlucky enough to witness it. I was sort of hoping that for this, I’d be too happy and excited to get nervous about all the people, or the stage, or the attention. This was a happy day. Probably the happiest day of my life, actually. I’d been on cloud nine since I’d gotten up that morning.

I wandered a bit away from the rest of my class, strolling around the halls and letting myself reminisce about the place I’d been stuck in five days a week for four years. It was super weird how all the academic resentment and frustration of school turns into nostalgia and fondness once you get to leave. Or maybe that was just a me thing - an optimism thing. One of my classmates almost got in trouble for saying something along the lines of “every second I’m in this building makes me want to vomit” right in front of one of our teachers. So yeah, the way I was feeling may have been... unique. But I was used to that. Or rather, I _had_ been used to that - my persistent optimism. It’d been absent for a while. I could feel it creeping back, and it was more than welcome.

I couldn’t say the same for Jungeun, though. She must’ve spotted me wandering and also excused herself from the rest of everyone, because I felt a gentle, slightly shaky hand rest on my forearm.

“Oh, hey!” I exclaimed, snapping out of my deep nostalgic trance and putting all of my focus onto her.

I’d seen a lot of smiles today, a lot of kids I’d spent years with who were eager to be done, ready to move onto the next stage of their life. But Jungeun? I hadn’t seen her smile all day. Which was just... so wrong. More than anything she deserved to be happy. She deserved a break, to relax, after being under so much stress from all sides for weeks, but she wasn’t. She had those same uncharacteristic bags under her eyes, the same weighted nature to all her movements.

I beamed at her, trying to spread some of my happiness and recently returned optimism, “Hi! Do you hear that?” I gestured toward the door, “So many people! I bet the whole gym is full!”

She frowned, clenching her jaw and staring at the door as if she could see through it, like she could see the crowd and all their faces, “My parents are out there.” She sounded scared. That was so not okay. Parents weren’t supposed to make their kids feel scared. God, I hated it. No, I guess I hated _them_. Wow, I’d never really thought I’d genuinely hate someone before, but now that I thought about it, I did hate them. I’d be crazy _not_ to hate them. How dare they make Jungeun feel this way, on such an important day of her life? On a day where she was supposed to be elated like all the rest of us, happy, excited. But she wasn’t. Not even a little.

My smile faded, and I spoke softly, making my voice sobering and serious instead of the high-pitched squealing it’d been before, “Yeah... most people have their parents out there.”

She sighed, fiddling nervously with the ends of her hair. The cap atop her head was sort of off kilter, and I reached up and straightened it for her. She barely even registered the motion as she spoke haltingly, “But their parents will be smiling and cheering and... probably bought them flowers.” Her voice cracked ever so slightly. I stepped closer, gently clasping one of her hands, but she wouldn’t look at me, her eyes fixed on that door, “If I’m lucky, my mom might decide not to glare at me and my dad might stop frowning.”

I shook my head back and forth, getting a bad taste in my mouth from how matter-of-factly she said that. Not even like it was a joke. Because I knew it wasn’t, “Hey. Hey.” I stepped closer, noticing the way her eyes were getting glossier and glossier. No no, the only way I would let Jungeun cry on her graduation day was from happiness. No other reason was even remotely allowed, “Listen to me. Look at me,” I reached up, resting my hand on her cheek. Her eyes that were starting to grow red around the rims finally flitted to mine, and she looked so dreadfully vulnerable, so ready to break.

I brushed my thumb gently against her skin, “You’re right. Your parents are awful. More than anything I want to go out there and just punch them both straight in the face. But they’re your parents, so yeah, they’re here.” She frowned bitterly, lip starting to quiver, and I stepped closer again, “Listen, look, I... just because they’re related to you by blood doesn’t make them family. Family is more than that. Family is supposed to care about you unconditionally and they’re supposed to want you to succeed--”

She chuckled bitterly, “--Well that’s not them. They’re the opposite of that, they--”

If she started rambling, she’d lose whatever composure she had left, and I didn’t want her to think about them if she could help it. They didn’t matter. _She_ mattered, and this _day_ mattered, _not_ them. I cut her off, trying to be polite but also forceful, “--I know they’re not. But we are.” She paused, my words seeming to confuse her, and our eyes met again. “Jungeun, everyone on this earth who loves you is gonna be right out there.” Her gaze moved to the door again, “Yerim and Yeojin and Chae and Heejin and Hyunjin, and me. Look at me.” She did, though there was still the slightest trace of fear behind her eyes and it shouldn’t have been there, “I’m right here, and I love you so much. You’re basically my sister. I’d do absolutely anything for you. Like really, you just say the word and I’ll go beat your mom and dad’s asses.”

She laughed, a real, genuine one that was short lived but cleansing. I saw some of that lingering, seemingly constant stress and worry drain out of her, and it made my chest lighten, “You wouldn’t.”

I smiled, an ear-to-ear, cheek stretching smile, the ones that she always liked to see, and the tiny smirk on her face started to spread, “I would. You wanna dare me?”

“No...” The smile faded just as her voice did. No, I’d almost gotten it! If she needed more unconditional love and support, she was _getting_ ** _it._**

I moved my hand down, instead resting it on her heart. It was beating so fast. I wanted to believe it was from excitement and anticipation, but I knew it wasn’t, and I was so _mad_ about that, “I’m serious, Jungeun. We’re your family. We love you so much, and don’t forget, Jinsol’s gonna be out there too. Jinsol, your amazing girlfriend.” Her cheeks lit with a blush at the way I’d referred to Jinsol, almost like she wasn’t used to having her called that. Which made sense, she wasn’t allowed to say that at home. But she didn’t just blush. She also smiled. A big, wide, beautiful smile, which I returned with my own, “See! That’s a smile. She’ll be there. Just look at her. Smile, and look at her. Everything’s gonna be okay. And just in case your parents tug you away before I get the chance, I’m hugging you now and you don’t have a say about how long it’s gonna last.”

I reached closer, wrapping my arms around her firmly, wanting her to feel just from this that I was there. That I’d always be there, that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I never would. And she hugged me back in an instant, her grip weak - not because she didn’t want to hug me, but because she was genuinely weak in this moment. And even if she did feel weak, if she did feel vulnerable and not like herself and like she couldn’t do this, I knew she could. And I knew that she was one of the strongest people I’d ever met.

There was the vague sound of a ton of footsteps coming down the hall, and someone tapped on a mic in the gym. Oh, it was almost time.

I started to pull back, but before I could fully step away she tightened her hold on me for a moment and muttered softly into my ear, “Thank you. I love you too.” We separated and our eyes met, and hers weren’t glossy anymore. And she still wore the smallest traces of a smile. Good. Even if it was fleeting, even if that one moment of happiness lasted for just a second, it was something. And I made a promise to myself, in my own head, that I would make her as happy as I possibly could for the rest of today.

The crowd that was the rest of our class rounded the corner and Jungeun and I separated so we could gather in our previously designated spots for the ceremony. I was so full of nervous, excited energy that I started bouncing up and down on my heels. The doors opened, and I stood on my tiptoes to peer over the boy in front of me’s head. Almost every seat was filled, except for a few in the back. My heart beat even faster. I knew my parents were out there, I think even Chae’s mom had managed to get a day off so she could go and support me. I was just so happy, but more than anything I wished Jungeun could be this happy with me. We’d been through all of this together, side by side, since we were little kids, so I thought we’d finish it together, in the same way. This was more bittersweet than I thought it would be. I’d expected it to be simply sweet, and not anything bitter. But that’s just how the world was sometimes.

We walked out and were met with applause, scattered cheers whenever a family spotted their kid, and triumphant music that blared through the speakers and reverberated off the walls of the gym I used to run laps in. We walked the route we’d rehearsed and I couldn’t help but smile and wave at everyone in the crowd. I scanned it quickly, looking for my parents or our friends, and I spotted Jungeun’s bitter looking, straight-faced mom and dad sitting near the front. Ew. My mom and dad were, weirdly enough, sort of near them, having stood up to cheer when not many others had. My mom was already visibly getting emotional, and as soon as I saw that I felt myself tearing up too. I was so lucky to have such support on all sides of my life. It really made me feel like I could do anything. And Jungeun should’ve had that support too.

My gaze flitted to her for a moment. She wasn’t smiling anymore, not even in the slightest. I followed her line of sight and I knew she’d spotted her parents, and saw how upset they looked, and it spread to her like my parent’s happiness had spread straight into me. Maybe I could throw her her own graduation party or something. With all of our friends, without her parents. Once she wasn’t grounded, I mean. I was starting to feel like the hug I’d given her hadn’t been long enough.

We all sat in the bleachers, a girl I’d had a few math classes with at one of my sides and a tall boy who’d had a crush on me in grade school at my other. I felt closer to all these people than I ever had before, realizing only at that moment that after today I probably wouldn’t be seeing a lot of them ever again. That was also bittersweet, I guess. Jungeun was two rows in front of me, and she got to wear a fancy special sash because she was so smart. She’d worked so hard and put in so much time and effort, all in hopes that her parents would just go a little easy on her. But they never did. They never lightened up. Nothing was ever good enough for them. If they didn’t cheer when she got her diploma, I might just burst from how mad I’d be.

Our principal started giving a speech, and I could tell just from the way he started it that it was going to be dreadfully long-winded. I mean, I guess I should’ve expected that, but more than anything I just wanted things to speed up. The antsiness of all my jittery classmates surrounding me was starting to be contagious. My eyes scanned the crowd, since there wasn’t much else I could do. The front rows of seats were reserved strictly for family, and beyond that seats were open to the general public. I spotted Chae’s mom, who’d even somehow managed to drag Minjun (Chae’s brother) there. He looked about 75% interested, but even that was an achievement.

What sort of confused me was that I couldn’t spot the girls anywhere. They were suspiciously absent. I’d gotten a flood of supportive, exciting texts hyping me up earlier in the morning, so I knew they were all coming, but where were they then? Okay, to be fair, it wasn’t unlike them to be late, even to some of the most important things. My main issue was that I’d promised Jungeun they’d be out here, so there’d be something she could look at besides the scowls of her damn parents. Instead, it seemed like she was trying her hardest to actually focus on the principal’s speech. I pursed my lips and tried to do the same.

It wasn’t the worst speech I’d ever heard, far from it, but the fact that I couldn’t remember afterwards is probably a bad sign, huh? It was just generic. Like, insert the most basic, inoffensive, routine graduation speech you could think of, and it was probably even more boring than that. The speakers that were projecting his speech through the gym were right over our shoulders, so you couldn’t really ignore what he was saying even if you wanted to, since it was blaring right in your ears. Thankfully, my optimism persisted, and I let my mind wander to happy things while I looked politely at our principal behind the podium, smiling all the way.

Periodically, I let my eyes flit back to the crowd, and about midway through this seemingly endless speech, I noticed a cluster of empty seats near the back of the crowd that were now filled with some comfortingly familiar faces. My heart soared and I instantly locked eyes with Chae, who smiled brightly at me and waved so frantically I was worried she’d break her wrist. Everyone was there, just like I’d promised Jungeun: Heejin, Hyunjin, Yerim, Jinsol, Yeojin, and even Yeojin’s sister Haseul had come. It also seemed like there was someone else with them, but they were so far back and there was a cluster of abnormally tall guys in front that cut off the edge of the line from my view. I wondered if it was Hyejoo, if she’d come to support Jungeun or hell, maybe even me. From what I’d gathered from the selective pieces of information I was getting from Chae (she still wasn’t 100% open about it), they were talking again. At least more so than before. And I knew that Jungeun spent more time with Hyejoo than I did. So perhaps she was there?

I didn’t think much of it, too distracted by how elated Chae looked. Yeojin was bouncing up and down in her seat, so incredibly full of energy I was worried she might explode. I could vaguely see Haseul muttering things under her breath, probably needing to put in constant effort to keep her sister contained. I appreciated her coming. All the times we went to Yeojin’s house and were loud and ridiculous and crazy, Haseul would come down and make us cookies and sometimes humor us and join our games. She was sweet, and I liked her, and knowing she cared enough to be here was _so_ incredibly endearing somehow.

Finally, the speech was over, and it took the polite applause from the crowd for me to realize it because it had quite the anti-climactic conclusion. I really think people only clapped because it was over. A lady came to the stage with a fancy looking box and I knew that’s what held our diplomas. The thing we’d all toiled so endlessly over was right there, and we were finally going to get them. As soon as he started listing off the names, the realization of it really hit me. We were done. This was done. High school was done. Wow. That was so wild. This was honestly surreal.

Names started being called and the gym was filled with endless waves of cheering, different families piping up when their son or daughter was called, some even standing up just to make sure that they were spotted. There was such a tangible happiness and sense of achievement in the air, it was so invigorating, it felt like I was walking on air. I even caught a glimpse of Junguen smiling, probably having noticed the intense heart eyes Jinsol was shooting her this entire time. Despite the nasty situation Jungeun was in with her parents, I felt better knowing that she had someone like Jinsol with her, to care for her so unconditionally. She deserved nothing less.

The boy at my side stood up, unexpectedly patting my shoulder affectionately as he got to his feet and made his way down the bleachers toward the principal. Oh boy, I was up next. I looked back to my friends, my amazing, one of a kind friends who I would do absolutely anything for and who were basically my entire world, and I saw them all beaming at me, looking so incredibly proud, as if they’d raised me themselves. And hell, it almost felt like they had. They’d helped make me the person I was, and I liked the person I was (most of the time).

I felt those same emotions creeping up on me, tears starting to blur my vision, but I blinked hard and kept it together by nothing short of a miracle. This was _not_ the time, not when I was moments from going up there in front of all these people. I could happy cry later, and boy did I plan to. What could I say? I was a crier.

“Kim Jiwoo.”

The part of my brain that wasn’t totally overwhelmed forced me to my feet, and I crossed the short distance across that stage, beaming so wide my cheeks would probably hurt the next day. There was so much cheering. Even Jungeun dared to let out a whoop, which we weren’t supposed to do for other classmates, but she didn’t care. A light blush came to my cheeks from just how much attention was all on me, from the fact that I was on this huge stage, but I didn’t care.

The cheers for me were so loud as I made that short walk across the stage, and it seemed like it took forever to get there. Honestly, it may’ve just been because I was paying particular attention to them, but it seemed like the noise made for me was louder than it had been for any of the other students. For just a second I let my gaze flit from the principal to the crowd, and I saw my friends there in the back, some of them even standing up - Yeojin, Yerim, Chae, Heejin, and--

...?

What...?  
  


Was that...?

Oh my god.

It was Sooyoung. No mistaking that face, it was Sooyoung. She was there. Next to Jinsol. She’d stood up, and her arms were raised above her head, and she was clapping hard. For me. All for me. My heart swelled up so big I was worried it’d break my ribs apart, and I was so rattled I nearly stopped dead in my tracks. My pace slowed for a moment or two. She was smiling so wide at me. Me. I couldn’t believe this, not even for a second. Had I dreamt this up somehow? The rest of it felt so real, but... how was she here? I thought she had a family thing...? Was that a lie? Had she been making an excuse for the sake of her own composure? And if she had been, then she must’ve had a change of heart. How come?

I had so many questions, but none of them really mattered. All that mattered was that Sooyoung had come to my graduation, for _me_ , and she was smiling at me and looking at me with those _eyes_ I always fell into, cheering me on as I walked, applauding and making such a scene that some people in front of her were turning their head slightly to give her a look. Our eyes had met and this palpable shift to the air happened. I wondered if anyone else felt it, or if it was something only we were experiencing. My shoulders felt weighted and my chest had that nice, fluffy Sooyoung-induced lightness, butterflies returning that I’d nearly forgotten about. My blush deepened. I swear, to this day, I’d never been happier than I was at that moment.

I could barely turn my gaze away from the impossible depth behind her eyes to look back at my awaiting principal. It felt like so much had just happened in those fifteen or so seconds, and I was still struggling to process it. In a slight daze, I felt that fateful paper given to me as I shook my principal’s hand. He smiled, a real, genuine smile. His old eyes were warm and kind, and it made me remember the time he complimented my singing voice after one of our talent shows, and he hadn’t been condescending when I’d said it was what I wanted to do for a living. He’d just smiled, like he was smiling then, and he’d wished me the best.

Although I wanted so badly to just leap from the stage and rush to Sooyoung and... god, I don’t even know what I planned on doing, I knew there was still a fair chunk of the ceremony left. I took a deep breath to try and keep down the happy tears threatening to surface in me, feeling so emotionally volatile I was amazed I hadn’t already broken down, and just rounded the bleachers like we’d rehearsed and got back to my old spot.

Sooyoung hadn’t taken her eyes off me, not even for a second, and the sentiment was mutual. Wow, I could look at her all day. She never stopped smiling, and I was so glad. Her smile was one of my favorite things about her. I loved it, and seeing it then, unfiltered, sincere, and so wide it made her slight dimples show up? I couldn’t have asked for a better graduation present.

“Kim Jungeun.”

I blinked twice, my view of Sooyoung partially obstructed by Jungeun getting to her feet. More than anything I wished I could stand up, scream as loud as I could for her and clap my hands so hard my palms bruised, but we were supposed to remain civil and polite and professional while on this stage “representing our school.” I settled on a contained cheer, despite being full to bursting with all the other support I wanted to vocally pelt her with. Thankfully, though, the girls took up that role for me.

Now _those_ cheers were _actually_ the loudest, and I knew I wasn’t imagining it that time.

Everyone got to their feet, all of them, and they were practically shrieking. Jinsol looked so incredibly proud, her eyes full of so much visible affection I was sure it’d be enough to reinvigorate Jungeun for at least a few hours. Her posture visibly straightened, and I saw the weird weight her movements had throughout the day drain straight out of her. Yes! Happy Jungeun!! Even more heads turned at how rowdy our friends were being, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s just how our group was: loud, extra as hell, supportive and crazy, and I loved it. I loved them. I loved Jungeun for being so strong and admirable, I loved Heejin and how much she cared about all of us, I loved Hyunjin and her tough-love advice, I loved Yeojin and her high pitched screaming and over-excitement, I loved Yerim and her cheeriness, I loved Chae more than life itself, I loved Haseul for how selfless she was, I loved Jinsol for how much she helped Jungeun, and I loved...

Oh.

Whoa.

I blinked, my stomach doing a little flip. Those butterflies felt... different, all of a sudden. Uh-oh. My mind started to buzz, going through so many different thought processes al at once while my heart beat faster and faster. Whoa whoa _whoa_. No. No, that wasn’t right. I didn’t... no. It wasn’t that intense... was it? I wasn’t... I didn’t feel... it...

This was all _way_ too much, and for once, my brain actually decided to shut down all of... whatever I’d just started to think about. There was too much already going on for me to casually throw that into the mix too. So I shoved it away, disregarded it, and focused on the now - on the fact that Jungeun now held her diploma in both of her hands, that she had sat back down, and that we were minutes away from being official high school graduates. Surprisingly, it worked really well. So maybe it really wasn’t there, then, if I was able to forget about it so easily.

Right...?

I waited as patiently as I could while the other names were called, an intense euphoria and elation still enveloping my whole body and making everything feel fuzzy. I bounced up and down slightly in my seat but I wasn’t the only one who was antsy. Basically everyone around me was fidgety in some way, like we were all hyperactive little kids high off sugar. It felt like forever had passed before they were finally on the last row of my classmates, who probably were about to explode from how badly they just wanted to be done already.

Finally, the last kid was called. He shot to his feet, grabbed that diploma, and triumphantly waved it in the air for his loudly cheering parents before retreating back up to his spot. And we were done. Our principal said a very brief closing remark before announcing that we had all officially graduated, and the crowd erupted in applause all over again. Although in theory there was _supposed_ to be an orderly exit, that just wasn’t gonna happen, and all of the kids just hopped off the stage and ran to their families. I was one of those kids.

I briefly wanted to grab Jungeun’s hand, to merge into the crowd with her at my side, but I guess I couldn’t find fast enough. Her parents (who were still scowling) had swooped in and gotten her before I had the chance, tugging her off the stage and into the masses as they instantly headed for the exit. My heart sank for a moment. Jungeun did look over her shoulder, though, eyes scanning the crowd, and when she spotted me, gave me the weakest semblance of a smile she could manage, as if trying to wordlessly tell me, “it’s okay.”

I just smiled back at her, mouthing a quick, “I love you” before she was blocked from my view by the moving throngs of people. I knew that I probably wasn’t going to get to see her again that day, which was definitely not the way I’d dreamt our graduation would go, but... unless I planned on kidnapping Jungeun from her parent’s house and making them even _more_ mad at her than they already were, there wasn’t much else I or anyone else could do. And she knew that. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it was the truth.

Before I could dwell too much on that harsh reality, I was nearly knocked off my feet by a pair of familiar, warm arms being thrown around me. My mom clung to me so hard I almost couldn’t breathe, the comforting smell of her flowery perfume instantly making me feel at home even in the middle of that stuffy, crowded gym. My dad at first kept his distance, as if waiting for his turn, but then decided he couldn’t contain himself and just added onto the pile by wrapping his arms around me too, squeezing for good measure as if making sure I knew he was there.

“We’re so proud of you sweetie!!” My mom spoke right into my ear, her happy tears already staining my shoulder.

My dad was getting teary too. When I said I’m a crier, I forget to mention that it runs in the family. He just nodded against me, as if seconding what my mom had said, not trusting the steadiness of his own voice.

“I love you guys.” I told them softly, about to lose whatever semblance of composure I’d managed to maintain up until this moment. My dad placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head before letting me go and gently brushing my bangs from side to side, something he liked to do just to bug me. I playfully swatted his hand away and he just smiled at me with his glossy eyes. He was such a big goof.

  
After a minute or so, my mom finally released me, pinching one of my cheeks extra hard, “Okay! We’ll leave you now, honey, I’m sure you want to go see your friends.”

I nodded eagerly, “Yeah! I’ll be home for dinner, I dunno what plans they have though!”

“Feel free to bring back whoever you’d like. It’s your day, they’re all more than welcome.” My dad told me in his deep, warm voice that always made me feel so safe.

“Okay! Um, mom, could you hold onto this?” I gently handed her my diploma, worried that it may get crushed after the predictable ambush of hugs I was going to get once I got to my friends. She took it with a nod, “I’m gonna go look for them, I’ll see you at home!” I was already backing up, waving, wanting to find everyone as soon as I could. More specifically, wanting to find Sooyoung.

It was pretty hard to navigate the dense crowd, so I just headed in the vague direction of the back of the gym, where they’d all been sitting, and hoped they hadn’t wandered too far. At some point I accidentally bumped into someone, and moved to say sorry, only to find myself being unexpectedly hugged. I could tell from how strong the arms were that it was Hyunjin. She didn’t hug much, so the sentiment behind this was only amplified. I beamed, returning the embrace, only to feel another pair of arms wrap around me from behind.

“You! Graduated!!!” Heejin’s voice spoke in my ear. Wow I was literally stuck between one of the clingiest couples I knew, which somehow seemed very appropriate.

“Yeah! I did!” I confirmed it for her, almost feeling like I had to say it aloud myself for it to fully sink in.

“Jiwoooooo!!!!” An ear-piercing shriek made me flinch from its sheer volume that somehow managed to stand out even among all the bustling. Yeojin charged at me and simply added herself to the growing hug pile, her short height allowing for her spindly arms to slink around my waist rather nicely, “I like your hat!!! If I put it on will people think I graduated too??”

Yerim found us as well and couldn’t quite find a good angle to add her hug in, so she just settled on back-hugging Yeojin instead and assumed I’d understand her gesture was intended for me, “Yes! That’s how it works! Jiwoo give me your hat so I don’t have to go to school for the next two years!!” She jokingly swiped at it.

Chae squeezed her way in on the one part of me where there was an opening, completing the full group hug and clinging to me so hard that it got hard to inhale. She didn’t actually say anything, just squirmed her way closer in the sea of arms and tight grips and nestled her head into my neck, smiling ever so slightly. It was so impossibly sweet, really, all of this was, and I felt almost suffocated by love. Literally.

“Guys... can’t really breathe...” I squeaked out. Hyunjin and Heejin withdrew courteously, but the other three seemed adamant on staying attached. I took in a few desperately needed gasps of air, “What did I do to deserve friends like this?”

Hyunjin stepped closer, ruffling some of my hair before muttering sweetly, “Because you’re one of the best people on this earth, Jiwoo. It’d be a sin for you to have friends as good as us.” That was probably the nicest thing Hyunjin had ever said to me, and I felt my composure thinning even further.

Finally, Yerim and Yeojin drew back, and so did Chae after she gave me a quick peck on the forehead by standing on her tiptoes. I laughed lightly at her, making sure to add a very necessary, “You’re teensy,” which she pouted at.

“I was promised ice cream.” Hyunjin stated, looking expectantly at her girlfriend.

Heejin rolled her eyes, linking their arms as her pouty girlfriend rested her head on her shoulder, “Yes you were.” Her soft gaze moved to me, “Hyunjin hasn’t shut up about ice cream for three days now, so would you be up for a celebratory ice cream shop visit?”

I opened my mouth to respond but was instantly drowned out by the simultaneous shrieks of both Yerim and Yeojin:

“YES SHE WOULD BE!!”

“I’M GOING WITH OR WITHOUT YOU GUYS!!”

We all collectively winced from their volume, never quite getting used to it despite all the years of exposure. I guess I had less of a say than I thought, but ice cream sounded great. It had been hot out lately and today was no exception. I just wanted to be around all of them, to be surrounded by their antics and ridiculousness, to bask in the comforting familiarity of it. Knowing that they were a constant in my life, that no matter where we wound up or where our lives took us, we’d always stay in touch and care about each other and be there, it was _so_ indescribably reassuring. I couldn’t help but smile, looking at them all and feeling my chest lighten, like I didn’t have a single care in the world and I never would as long as they were my friends.

They all started to chat a bit amongst each other about nothing I could really remember, some of it drowned out by the ambient buzz of the sea of people we were still in the middle of. It was only when the crowd started to part slightly that I spotted a semi-frantic looking Jinsol, a smiley Haseul, and... wow, Sooyoung looked _really_ gorgeous when she was that happy. She was just... _radiant_. I was stunned into silence, only able to _stare._ More than anything in the world I wanted her to always be this happy. She deserved nothing less.

The rest of the girls separated from me ever so slightly, as if leaving some room. I realized only then that a lot of them had never even met Sooyoung, and I wondered how that introduction had gone. Jinsol probably had a hand in bringing her, since they were roommates (something I forgot about every now and then). The blonde in question was thoroughly distracted. She graced me with the slightest smile before leaving my sight, diving into the crowd. Oh, she was probably looking for Jungeun. I hoped she’d get a chance to talk to her before her parents totally whisked her away back home. But that was far from my priority right then. No, instead I was thinking of the way Sooyoung was staring right back at me, with eyes that sparkled like stars and a smile like the sun.

Okay, now my eyes were really starting to burn with tears.

I dared to take a few steps closer and she met me halfway. I didn’t know what to say. I had so many questions and so many different things that I wanted to tell her, but the first thing that came out was an awe-struck, “You came...?”

She nodded before closing that dreaded space between us and wrapping her arms around me. I’d been hugged an awful lot that day, but this one was different. It was tight and firm, her fingers curling against me and squeezing me, one of her hands rubbing a gentle circle against my back, “I came.”

For a moment or two I didn’t respond, putting a lot of energy into not crying. Finally I shut my eyes, swallowing down those tears and just letting myself smile, hugging her back with as much emotion as I could convey without words, not trusting the steadiness of my voice.

Once I’d returned the embrace I suddenly felt myself being lifted up and off the floor, and she was spinning me, for just a few moments - probably as long as she could. I couldn’t help the childish giggle that left me, having not at all expected that but finding those same butterflies in my stomach going absolutely crazy. She set me down again but didn’t let me go, just held on, and I did too.

I started to speak, quiet enough so nobody would be able to overhear, wanting her to know something: “You didn’t have to--”

She didn’t let me finish, cutting me off gently, “I told you. I wanted to.”

But that wasn’t all she’d told me. She’d told me that she’d wanted to, but she wasn’t a fan of graduations. And I understood why. But she’d come anyway, despite all of that baggage and hesitation. She’d pushed it aside. And here she was, right in front of me, smiling so fondly and almost looking... proud.

I’m not sure quite how long we stayed like that, but eventually Yeojin felt the need to groan audibly in frustration and complain, “Ughhhhh, get a room you two!”

Sooyoung cleared her throat lightly before letting me go, as if only realizing once someone had said something that our hug had lasted for quite a bit longer than a typical one. Her cheeks were lit with the faintest traces of a blush, and she looked... confused. As if she’d surprised herself. Maybe she hadn’t planned on having held onto me for so long. Maybe she hadn’t even fully planned on coming at all, and she’d done it on a whim. I still had a lot of questions. More than anything I wanted to ask what had changed, what was different, what made her come, but it wasn’t my place and it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she was there now. I was so _so_ grateful for that.

Haseul gently slapped her younger sister’s arm, glaring at her in frustration for being rude. She put on a polite smile and stepped closer to the two of us, “Hey, Jinsol wanted me to tell you guys to meet up out front in like five minutes okay? I’m not sure if she’ll be up to getting ice cream, though.”

“Ice cream?” Sooyoung asked gently, still seeming a bit rattled and embarrassed. Haseul didn’t bother confirming it, instead following Yeojin, who’d started to chase Yerim around the gym. The crowd had thinned out quite a bit by then. The principal had left the stage, and there were even a few janitors talking about how they were going to put the bleachers away.

I took a deep breath, blinking away the last of the tears that had been lingering around me and turning to better face her, “Yeah, uh, we’re all gonna go out and get ice cream! Are you coming?” I didn’t like the lack of contact with her. It felt... cold, now. I reached forward and tightly clasped both of her hands. They were sort of shaky. I wondered why.

She still wore a bit of a smile now but it was smaller. Weak, almost, “I... um, thanks, but I probably shouldn’t...” She wouldn’t match my gaze anymore. I watched as her eyes darted around the gym - at the decorations, at the few lingering students in their gowns, and at my cap. I reached up, taking mine off, and I saw her shoulders visibly slump a bit, as if she’d been tense merely at the sight of it.

I didn’t quite understand what she meant. I mean, I definitely understood why she wouldn’t want to be here, but why wouldn’t she want to leave with us? My brow furrowed in slight confusion, “Why? Please?” I felt such a strange new dependency. I didn’t want her to leave. I felt like she’d only just gotten there, “I’d love to see you for longer. C’mon, I’ll treat you.” I tried to sound firmer than I felt. Like this was a casual invite, just a flippant thing, but I could tell it went deeper, though I didn’t quite get why.

She shook her head slightly, “No, that’s...” She pursed her lips, looking down at the floor. Maybe I was out of line. Maybe I shouldn’t be pressing this? “I don’t really know your friends...”

Oh. Was that the problem? Was she _shy_? Was _Sooyoung_ shy? I’d never seen her like this. It was actually sweet and endearing. Her gaze - which still wouldn’t meet mine - looked toward my clusters of friends, all chatting with one another, some still chasing each other around. We were a really tightly knit group, so I understood why it was intimidating. But she shouldn’t have been intimidated! They’d be happy to meet her, they’d be welcoming and nice and maybe they’d help to get her mind off things. I remembered what her mom had told me that night, when she said Sooyoung could “use a distraction.” If I wasn’t enough of one, then they _definitely_ would be.

I understood how she was shy, but we were nice! Maybe she just needed a bit of a push? I stepped closer, tightening my hold on her hands, “Well maybe it’s time you meet them!” I started to walk toward them, bringing her along with me, but she tugged herself from my grasp.

I turned back at her, wondering why, and the look on her face was different. More hollow. “I... some other time okay?” This went beyond shyness. I could see that now, and her next words only confirmed it, “I... just... don’t feel like myself right now.” She spoke so softly I struggled to hear. But that explanation was more akin to a confession.

“Oh.” I muttered quietly, realizing that this setting, and this gym, and the festivities and the celebration and the gowns and the caps were bringing it all back for her. I’d suspected that, but I’d also suspected she’d wanted a distaction. She didn’t need that, though, she just needed to be alone. And that was more than okay. I felt stupid for even assuming that she was okay being here, that she was unaffected. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

Her eyes narrowed at me, “For what?”

Oops. I’d let that slip. Uh-oh. I couldn’t help the way I paused, needing to consider for a second whether or not I should try and keep up the lie or tell the truth.

“Uh... nothing?” That was unconvincing. I think deep down I didn’t want to lie anymore. It felt wrong keeping things from her. But I also didn’t want to remind her further if she didn’t want to be reminded.

She wasn’t buying it, obviously, “No, what?”

“I...” I sighed in slight frustration, looking over my shoulder toward the others. They were thoroughly distracted, as per usual pretty damn good at keeping themselves entertained. Nobody was so much as looking our way, and they were a fair distance away so they wouldn’t accidentally hear any of this, “Um... your mom told me... about...” I trailed off, assuming she’d be able to fill in the blanks herself without me needing to literally say it out loud.

She did.

I watched as her face totally fell, the faint blush that had been on her cheeks intensifying to a deep red. No, no she shouldn’t be embarrassed. She didn’t do anything wrong. I stepped closer but she stepped back.

She shook her head back and forth, “Fuck.” The curse was muttered under her breath, right as she turned around and started making a beeline toward the exit.

I stuck to her heels, “Wait, Sooyoung--”

She sniffled slightly, and I saw her run a palm down her face, “Fuck, forget about this, I-I can’t be here, I-I’m just gonna go okay?” Her voice sounded exactly like it had the night she’d broken down - fragile and weak. Something so unlike her it was hard to recognize.

“Wait, I’m sorry, I--”

She groaned slightly, seeming frustrated, not necessarily at me, but more so at herself, “Stop apologizing, god. Just... go with your friends. I’ll just leave, I’m ruining your day.” I could see that her whole body was starting to tremble.

My heart wrenched. Did she really think that? She couldn’t have been more wrong - she didn’t ruin my day, she’d made it so much better. “What? You aren’t ruining anything, please, I’m so glad you came and I don’t want to leave this like--”

The next thing I knew she’d stopped her determined stride, spun on her heel, and I found myself in her arms all over again. Her grip was so sudden and tight that the wind almost got knocked out of me. I gasped, more than caught off guard, feeling her nails digging into my back and her face hidden ever so slightly in my shoulder. This hug was... clingy, and desperate, even possessive almost, but it sort of felt... I dunno, like it was a necessity, I guess. Which was more than okay. I let out a heavy breath, slowly wrapping my arms around her. Her body shook. Hard. I wished I could steady her somehow.

After what must’ve been a minute or so, I loosened my grip and started to pull myself back, but she held onto me even tighter, whispering quietly, “Don’t let me go.”

I did what she said, automatically, of course, but the plea confused me slightly, “Huh?”

Her voice was teeming with so much, so many different emotions that were all so intense, I could hardly believe it. I’d never heard anyone sound that emotional before, not even when Chae was crying about Hyejoo, or when my dad had given a speech at my great uncle’s funeral. This was so much more. It was like... there was this trauma behind it all. It hurt to hear, “Please, Jiwoo, I’ll lose it, and I don’t want to do that here.”

I nodded, wanting her to know that I wasn’t going to let her go. That I never would. That I’d stay here for as long as she needed, even if that was for hours. I gently ran my hand up and down her back, “Okay. I’m here.”

The seconds dragged on and on, but I didn’t care. If anything, I was weirdly content just to hold her against me like this. It felt like I mattered to her, and feeling that was honestly more rare than I’d like to admit. Her body still shook, but eventually, it started to even out. Her uneven, sharp breathing got relaxed again. I tilted my head, gently kissing her temple, and that was when she drew away with a quick inhale.

“Thanks,” She sighed, fixing some of her hair as if it was messed up when in truth it couldn’t have been any more picture perfect (as per usual), “I have to go.” Her voice was like normal. Well, normal with the slightest tinge of instability, but if you didn’t know her there was no way you’d be able to tell.

I nodded again, deciding to not reach and intertwine our fingers together like part of me still wanted to, “If you think that’s best.”

She said nothing to that, just stared at me oddly. I couldn’t quite read her. She almost seemed confused at the way I’d said that, maybe at my wording. I smiled at her, the best smile I could manage, and although I knew she wanted to be by herself, I was gonna miss her. I wished she could come and be with me and my crazy friends and I could buy her an ice cream. I wanted to know what her favorite flavor was. I wanted to know if she liked sprinkles. I wanted to know everything about her, and more, but I couldn’t say that. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything.

It was only when she fully turned around and started walking toward the door that I blurted something out, something instinctual that I hadn’t even been fully aware I was wondering, “Wait, when can I see you again?”

She didn’t even look at me as she headed out the double doors into the hallway, “I don’t know.”

***

At least she was honest with me that time. She hadn’t given me any excuse, or even a ballpark range. She was just honest and told me she didn’t know. I appreciated it. It made me wonder a bit less when she didn’t respond to me for one day, then two, then three, then four, then a week. It definitely made my first week of summer less enjoyable than I would’ve liked, despite hanging out with all the girls as much as I could. Jungeun even got out of her awful parents house with Jinsol’s help and moved in with her aunt Minseo. She was one of the nicest people ever, and she invited all of us over and made us cookies and tea to celebrate Jungeun’s successful escape. She said we were all welcome “any time” and that “her door was always open.” That was a far cry from needing to give Jungeun at least one week’s notice before any of us could even dream of coming to her house.

The next Friday night, I was laying face-up on Chae’s bed, staring at the star stickers we’d stuck to her ceiling and at the fake “constellations” we’d made that looked like smiley faces and butterflies. I looked at the crappy scarf we’d tried to knit together when we took an after-school class on a whim, that somehow wound up being a knotted mess. She’d kept it regardless and hung it up on her bedpost, sometimes using it as a hand warmer even though it was pretty ineffective. I turned my head to look at her, sitting at her desk and scrolling through the list of colleges Minjun had made for her to look into. Her shoulders were tense. I could tell she didn’t like thinking about it. Thankfully, my parents were supportive of me pursuing singing, as long as “I was happy,” so I got to avoid the stressful college search.

I had all these things in my life, all these people who loved and cared about me and supported me, and I knew that, but... all I could think about was Sooyoung. Always. It was _constant._ More than anything, that... thing... that I’d felt when I’d first spotted her in the crowd at graduation. That... really intense, consuming thing that... honestly sort of scared me. It was just... a lot. A lot to think about, and a lot to process, and I... wasn’t quite ready to try.

I tugged my phone from the pocket of my sweatpants, looking at my texts with Sooyoung. I guess the more proper way to put it would be my texts _to_ Sooyoung. There weren’t any back. I just thought that after how she was at graduation, after she’d put so much aside and was so selfless to come and support me there, that... I dunno, that it was sort of a final step? That the vagueness would be gone, that it was just a given that we had _something_ , and maybe we could finally put a name to it? That’s what I’d hoped. What I’d expected, almost, but I was wrong. I kept second-guessing myself. Was I stupid to assume that? Was I putting more meaning onto something that wasn’t actually meaningful?

I sighed to myself, reading through the texts I’d sent her a few days apart from one another:

_hey, how have you been feeling?_

_i hope all your exams went ok <3_

_thank you so much for coming to graduation. really. it meant a lot to me that you were there_

My gaze lingered on that last one. Had it been too sentimental? Had I scared her off? I glared at my own thoughts, or maybe at the situation I was in - was I really going back to the old Jiwoo who was too scared to show the full extent of her emotions to Sooyoung? I thought I’d gotten past that? I thought _we_ were past that now. I thought we could be honest and open with each other without me needing to be worried I was being too much or crossing some line. That line had been crossed, right? She’d _cried_ in front of me, told me things I didn’t think she’d told anyone before, and I’d been there with her every step of the way. Didn’t that _count_ for something? Didn’t that _mean_ ** _something?_**

Didn’t I mean something...?

She’d turned off her read receipts for me. Either that, or she just genuinely hadn’t opened up the conversation this past week. I wasn’t sure which one to believe, or which one would hurt more to accept. Regardless, I came to the conclusion that one more text wouldn’t hurt... right?

_i miss you_

“Are you texting her _again_?” Chae’s sudden voice cutting through the ambient noise of her room startled me slightly, and I quickly locked my phone before sending that and set it down on her bed.

“Huh? No...” I sat up, feigning innocence.

I’d made an important choice to not keep Chae in the dark anymore, not about any of this. I told her as much as I could without disclosing super personal information, so she was fully up to speed about the current yet familiar pattern of ghosting, and she was _not_ happy about it. Mainly because it would sometimes put me in a bad mood, when, as she said, I was supposed to be having “the time of my life.” She was protective of me, and it was sweet and well-intentioned, but sometimes I felt like her judgement was sort of clouded when it came to how I should handle my Sooyoung problems.

Chae’s philosophy was essentially that she was more than fed up with the vagueness and confusion. More than anything she just wanted concrete _answers_ , and the feeling was definitely mutual, but I wasn’t sure how to go about getting them. There was _no_ way I could just flat out ask. That was ridiculous. My previous plan had been to wait, feel it out, see how things were going, and at first there had only been good signs. We were breaking new ground, getting closer, she was being more open. I felt like we had a real connection, but now here I was, going through radio silence all over again, as if all of that progress had been for nothing.

Chae glared at me before standing from her desk, her previous task totally abandoned as she jumped over the foot of her bed and landed at my side. She picked my phone up and tucked it away in the pocket of her hoodie, still maintaining her semi-serious glare at me and pouting.

“What did I say?” It was hard to take her stern tone seriously, but I did my best.

I sighed, frowning, and muttered in defeat, “No more texting until she texts me...”

“Right. And what were you just doing?” She pointed an accusatory finger an inch from my nose.

I knew she wanted what was best for me, but sending those texts to Sooyoung was the only actual contact I was having with her. And yeah, I knew that was kind of pathetic, since she didn’t even answer, but just the thought that she would see them, and think of me, even for a second, was a bit of a consolation. Wow, that really _was_ pathetic now that I thought about it more. Maybe Chae was right

“Texting her...” The shame I felt was only slightly contrived. It was like I had no self control when it came to Sooyoung, no rationality. I could _listen_ to people give me advice about her, and in my head I could address that it was right and smart, but then I wouldn’t actually follow it. God, what was wrong with me?

“Texting. Her.” She nodded in confirmation, reaching forward and poking my nose with that same accusatory finger with each word, as if feeling the need to emphasize it. I weakly batted her hand away, “What happened to our game plan? I thought you agreed it was solid? Do you need me to get the checklist out?” She pointed over her shoulder at her desk, and I looked over at the piece of notebook paper we’d toiled over when I’d first gotten there that afternoon.

Yes, we’d made an actual checklist of the plan of what I should do. No, we weren’t five. Yes, we sometimes acted like it. But I just needed to sort things out, and for some reason putting it down on paper with Chae’s color coded pens and butterfly stickers made things seem more tangible, like I wasn’t just aimlessly floating around in a sea of confusion.

She didn’t need to get it, I remembered it all super well.

The plan was essentially this:

1 - Wait for Sooyoung to text me back. If she responded enough to start a real conversation, try to arrange plans to meet up, but don’t answer right away. Give it at least a few minutes so it doesn’t seem like I was just waiting by my phone. 

2 - Once I got a chance to see Sooyoung in person for whatever reason, ask her directly what she considered us to be. Don’t skirt around it, just ask

3 - If she says that we’re something and that we should put a title onto it, great! We celebrate and Chae will buy me a donut

4 - If she says anything besides that, an emergency group chat has been made titled the “Jiwoo Protection Squad” in which I’m supposed to message a frowny face and then Jungeun will immediately come to pick me up and bring me somewhere else where I’ll be showered with affection and validation (Chae’s words not mine)

It was nice to have a course of action. Really, it was, but... I was so scared. An immature part of me almost didn’t _want_ answers, because the possibility of them being things I didn’t want to hear was so nerve wracking I could barely even deal with the concept of it, let alone the reality. But... I knew I couldn’t live like this forever. With all these unanswered questions, always feeling like I was waiting for something I wasn’t even sure I wanted. Deep down, I was tired of wondering.

I took a deep breath, staring deep into her eyes. She wanted what was best for me - that much I knew with 100% certainty.

“No, it’s... sorry, I guess I wasn’t thinking.” That wasn’t true. If anything I was thinking too much. I was always, _always_ thinking too much.

She crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at me as if she was unconvinced, “You just have to stick to the plan. You can do that, right?”   
  


I nodded. I could. I knew I could, it was just... hard. Trying to predict Sooyoung had always been hard, but it was one of the things I liked about her, surprisingly enough. Maybe that made me stupid or gullible, but... yeah. I couldn’t help it. I basically liked everything about her. I thought back to the feeling I’d felt at graduation. My mind just kept going back to that feeling.

“Can you _really_?” She asked me leaning slightly forward. I nodded again, without hesitation that time, “So if I told you that your phone just vibrated in my pocket, would you be able to calmly wait with me before responding if it was Sooyoung?”

I pursed my lips, staring down at her pocket and wondering if she was giving me a hypothetical or telling me that my phone had just buzzed. God I wanted to check. I reached forward but she grabbed my wrist, “Wait, can we at least see if it’s her? Please? We can’t even tell if I’m gonna go along with the plan if we don’t know if it’s her.” I insisted, squirming a bit to try and get out of her grasp.

She held her glare at me, seeming unamused, but complied. Still holding my hand away, she made sure to instead reach in her own pocket and pull my phone out, looking at whatever had been sent. Her sharp gaze flitted between my phone and my face, back and forth, back and forth. The suspense was gonna kill me, I swear.

Finally, she sighed to herself, “It’s from Sooyoung--” As soon as she’d confirmed it, I couldn’t help but swipe at my phone frantically with both of my hands, but she’d anticipated it - knowing me all too well, and leaned back so it was out of my reach, “-- _but_ we _agreed_ we were gonna leave her hanging! The game plan, Jiwoo, the game plan!!” She held me back by my shoulder, but I struggled against her.

“What does it say??” I pleaded, trying to catch a glimpse of my screen. She just kept on glaring at me, “What does it _say_ , please just tell me or I _will_ tickle you and I know you don’t want that.”

At even the threat of tickling, her face fell, knowing how serious this had become, “Whoa, okay, jeez... She just said ‘what’re you up to?’ That’s it. Alright?” Her tone was even and steady, clearly trying to relax me. It worked ever so slightly, and I stopped my rabid flailing.

My brow slowly furrowed, “That’s all?”

“Yeah...”

That was it? After a week of nothing, no word, no contact at all, just a simple text that basically equated to “wyd?” That... what? Last time she’d gone silent for a while, she’d apologized. Gave me a reason, tried to explain herself, but now? Just this? I couldn’t even... what? How was I supposed to respond? She hadn’t even addressed any of the texts I sent, did she really think they didn’t warrant a response? Or did she just not know what to say, because they were too sentimental, so she wanted to change the topic? Had I put her in a tough position or something by mistake? Had she sent that text on a total whim, or had she mulled it over for hours of uncertainty and deliberation? I looked at the clock. It was almost midnight.

I sighed, tugging my legs up and against myself. Chae tilted her head at me, a concern behind her eyes that she always had whenever I was conflicted about Sooyoung, “Talk to me, Jiwoo...” She prodded gently, probably able to see the cogs in my brain turning despite me going silent.

I wasn’t sure what to do. More than anything I just wanted to respond to her, just wanted to talk to her, but that went against the game plan, “How long do I have to wait?”

Chae pursed her lips. I could already see whatever resolve she’d built up starting to crumble away, “I... I dunno, like... a few minutes?” My frown got more bitter, my brow crinkling, “A minute...?” I broke our eye contact, staring down at her bedspread. After a few lingering moments, she just sighed in frustration and set my phone down next to me, “Alright. Say whatever you want, damn it.”

I smiled broadly, making sure to lean forward and wrap her tightly in my arms for a brief moment, “Thank you!” She patted my arm once, probably not too happy with herself for how bad she was at keeping her promises. I knew she wouldn’t actually be able to say no to me, she’d never really been able to do that, so I wasn’t sure why she was surprised. Regardless, I pulled back and grabbed my phone, pulling up the message and staring.

I wondered why she was asking me this. Did she want to know if I was busy, so she could potentially invite me somewhere? It was late, but it was a Friday, and I had a feeling that she tended to stay out late on weekends. Maybe she wanted to start a conversation, but wasn’t sure what to say, so she just asked this general question?

Either way, I wanted to seem available. Because I was.

_nothing really, how about you?_

Those three dots popped up the moment my text went through. Chae moved to be at my side, looking over my shoulder, waiting in as much anticipation as I was, despite trying to prevent this. She was curious too, I knew she was. After I’d revealed so much about the situation to her (besides the more sensitive details), she was pretty damn invested and she was really bad at hiding it. She wanted answers almost as much as I did.

_♡ sooyoung♡_ _: i’m in town with some friends. wanna see u_

My heart skipped a beat. She wanted to see me?

Chae made a _tsk_ ing sound, shaking her head back and forth, and I looked at her, “What?”

“I don’t like this.” She told me simply, “It’s so late, Jiwoo. I think she wants to do more than just ‘see you.’” She looked uncertain of what she was saying, and she stared at me closely to gauge my reaction, wanting to make sure she wasn’t being too harsh.

She wasn’t, not necessarily. I knew her intentions were good, they always were, but it sort of hurt to be told that. Because honestly, with the information she had, in her eyes she was right. But in my eyes? After seeing Sooyoung at her most vulnerable and weak, knowing her way better than I did the last time she hooked up with me and left me all by myself without a word, this seemed different to me. Sooyoung had never so much as mentioned her friends in more than just a fleeting comment, and now she wanted me to come and spend time with them? To me, this was a big step for her. I wondered if she wanted to introduce me to her friends in the same way I wanted to introduce her to my friends. Was she trying to integrate me more into her life, like I’d been trying to do with her? God I hoped so.

I shook my head, “I don’t think so.”

Chae looked at me with something that almost resembled pity, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be pitied. She just didn’t understand all the specifics, all the nuances. She couldn’t read Sooyoung like I did. On the surface, yeah, this did seem sketchy. With Sooyoung’s track record, of course it did. But... I trusted her. And I knew, I just _knew_ , that this wasn’t a booty call.

“Jiwoo... c’mon, just try and--”

“--it’s not like that. I know it isn’t.” I told her firmly, wanting her to believe me. My heart was in my throat at even the thought of being able to see Sooyoung. It was rare for her to invite me somewhere so directly. This was probably harder for her than she was letting on, right? I should go. I wanted to go, I wanted to see her, so why shouldn’t I? “I’m gonna go.”

With that, I got to my feet. Thankfully Chae and I were about the same size, so I could look through her own clothes for an outfit. I definitely didn’t plan on meeting Sooyoung in an oversized Oh My Girl t-shirt and patterned sweatpants. I opened her closet door and reached for my phone, making sure to confirm the plan with Sooyoung to put her at ease just in case she was fretting about my lack of a reply.

_sure, i wanna see you too. lemme just get ready, where are you guys?_

Those dots appeared in an instant again. I felt myself nearly blushing at the thought of her staring down at our conversation just waiting for me to respond. Because that’s what I tended to do with her. And I... felt _so_ much for her. So, maybe she felt the same...

_♡ sooyoung♡ : a club. few streets over from the roost so why don’t you just head there, i’ll meet u and we can walk over together?_

Chae stood up too, the look on her face telling me that she was still unconvinced and concerned. She thought I was being irrational, too quick to act, that I was whipped and wasn’t thinking straight. Hell, maybe I was, but honestly I didn’t care. I just wanted to see Sooyoung, no matter what, and Chae could tell she couldn’t stop me, but she still planned on trying. I’d let her, but we both knew I was going.

_yeah, sounds good!_

Chae stepped closer, crossing her arms, “What’re you saying?”

“She’s at a club, she wants me to go to the Roost and she’ll walk over with me...” Chae frowned with visibly disapproval, and I felt an urge to defend myself, to at least try and explain why I was so convinced, “Listen, if she tries to... do anything, I won’t. And, at some point tonight, I’ll ask her what the deal between us is. Like the game plan. Okay?”

Chae scoffed lightly under her breath, “Uh, Jiwoo, I’ve _seen_ Sooyoung. Are you seriously telling me that if she tries to do something with you, you just won’t?”

Okay, that was a fair point, but... I could say no to her. I knew I could, “I won’t.”

She could tell I was serious, I think she was just surprised at how adamant and certain I was. She hadn’t expected it, “I mean, you know her more than me. And... just... I dunno, Jiwoo, be careful alright? Like, just, be firm. Demanding. I feel like she’ll try to scoot around the question and avoid it, is that right?” I appreciated her asking me, not telling me. She was right. I partially expected to be shut down as soon as I even posed the question, but I was prepared for that. Or at least I hoped I was. I nodded, “So you’ve just gotta keep at it. Push her. Which’ll probably be hard, but you deserve to know.”

My phone vibrated and I quickly looked at it.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : i parked kinda far away, do u have a ride? i could get u an uber_

It was stupid and such a simple thing, but the fact that she was willing to do that was really sweet. Now that she’d mentioned it, I didn’t have a ride. Chae saw the way my face changed and she stepped closer.

“What, what’d she say?” I just wordlessly showed her my phone, and she read the text carefully, “She’ll get you an Uber, huh? That’s... that’s nice, actually.” That seemed hard for her to say. I think as my best friend, she was trying to be overprotective and cautious on my behalf because I couldn’t look at Sooyoung with as much suspicion as she could, but she was finding it harder and harder to do so. I couldn’t blame her, Sooyoung was pretty damn charming. She could win anyone over.

“Should I say yes? Or should I try and call Jungeun maybe?” I asked as I started to root through Chae’s closet. I knew her wardrobe basically as well as I knew my own. We traded clothes all the time. So I knew exactly what I wanted to wear; the problem was finding it in Chae’s chaotic disaster of a closet. After looking through the few things she’d bothered to actually hang on hangers, I started the daunting task of sorting through the massive pile on the floor.

Chae moved to help me, realizing it’d take me forever to look by myself, “Take the Uber. Jungeun’s probably asleep honestly, and I think we both use her as our personal taxi a bit too much.” Yeah, that was valid.

I shot Sooyoung a quick text back after providing Chae with a description of the clothes I was looking for. She started digging beneath her bed for them.

_an uber would be super great, thank you <3_

The dots appeared, then disappeared. Appeared, then disappeared again, with no message being sent. Huh. My brow furrowed, barely even paying attention to Chae as she triumphantly pulled the cropped sweater I was looking for from being wedged underneath her mattress for some reason.

Finally, a text came back.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : ok, i just called it_

Was that what she’d debated over for so long? She was so weird sometimes. I peeled off my t-shirt and slipped on the sweater, now just trying to find those high-waisted jeans that Chae had somewhere. Then my phone buzzed a second time.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : <3_

Oh. That was why. Had she really been that uncertain about just sending a heart? That was... unusual. Unlike her. She didn’t tend to hesitate with anything regarding flirting. She was a natural flirt, a natural charmer. So... why the hesitation? Unless things meant more now than just her normal flirting...?

I couldn’t ignore the butterflies fluttering all around my stomach and chest. Part of me was mad at myself, annoyed that I was letting my hopes get so high, but another part of me - that optimism that had been rekindling itself these past few weeks - was convinced. And it was happy. And it was letting me be happy. I missed it. Why shut it down? I was sick of shutting it down, sick of trying to rationalize it away. That wasn’t like me. I was an optimistic person, I believed the best would happen and I wanted to see the best in people. Why fight that?

“A-ha!” Chae exclaimed, pulling the pair of jeans we’d been hunting from the very bottom of that almost knee-high pile of clothes in her closet. She tossed it at me and it hit my side. I got to my feet and quickly got into them, walking up to her mirror and looking at myself. My hair was a bit questionable, but with the little time I had, it’d have to do. Chae came up behind me, brush already in hand, and she started to comb through the back of it, “You look good, dummy. Don’t even try to say a single thing about looking bad or I’ll kill you.”

I chuckled lightly, “Really feelin’ the love.”

She pinched my cheek, “Shut up, you know I love you more than anything...” I smiled warmly at her, and she returned it, but it faded slightly, “Listen... I’m tired, so I might fall asleep by the time you get back. If anything bad happens, if... this goes wrong, just wake me up please? Talk to me? Give me her address so I can go egg her house?”

I laughed again, the sentiment a bit hollow, but feeling my endless appreciation and adoration for Chae swelling tangibly in my chest, “Okay. Well, actually I can’t promise you the address thing because I’m convinced you or maybe Hyunjin would actually do that, and...” I looked away, “... no matter what happens, she doesn’t deserve anything like that. Okay? Even if... even if she turns me down, or... says there’s nothing between us, I don’t... I’ll _never_ want anything bad to happen to her. Alright?” My tone was dead set and firm, despite my voice being quiet. It _really_ didn’t feel good to admit the negative possibilities out loud. In fact, I don’t think I’d ever done it before that moment, and it made my shoulders tense. 

She just nodded, “Okay. I’ll promise you, because I know you won’t accept anything less.” She held up an extended pinky toward me. Something we did a lot. To my knowledge, neither of us had ever broken a pinky promise to one another. We took them _very_ seriously.

I reached up with my own pinky, wrapping our fingers together, and I knew she was telling the truth.

My phone buzzed. Chae released her grip on me so I could look.

_♡ sooyoung♡ : the uber’s right around the corner_

Right. It was time to go. I took one final look at myself in the mirror and I remembered the last time this had happened. On my first date with Sooyoung, when Chae had helped me pick an outfit, and I was fretting nonstop about what to wear to make a good impression. That felt like so so long ago. Like another lifetime, almost. Things were so different now. So much had changed, my feelings toward Sooyoung and hopefully her feelings toward me had evolved and gotten so much deeper. Even back then, I had never expected how this would’ve gone or where we would wind up. But I was glad. I was so so glad. No matter how this ended, I was just... glad I got to know Sooyoung. Glad she let me know her.

Chae gently clasped my hand, “Your Uber’s gonna be here soon.” I peeked out the window, realizing Sooyoung had probably sent it to my house so I’d have to walk over, “Alright. Well, good luck. Keep me posted, if you can, I’ll respond to anything as long as I’m awake.” She squeezed my hand tightly before letting it go.

“Okay. I will.” Were we making this more dramatic than it needed to be? Yeah probably, but we were very extra. That was just how we were, and I loved that about us.

I had to go or I’d stay there and receive comforting reassurance from her forever, so I just headed down her stairs and out the door. The weather as lovely, a light breeze blowing around the refreshing summer air. The stars were out and sparkling, and the moon was almost full so there was plenty of natural light instead of us having to rely on artificial streetlamps. Someday I wanted to stargaze with Sooyoung. I wondered if she’d ever be willing to do that. I just sighed to myself and walked the short distance to the sidewalk out front of my house, bouncing on my heels as I kept my eyes out for the Uber.

It pulled up not long after, the driver a woman (which was rare, from what I’d seen.) She didn’t say much and offered for me to use the aux cord, but I said no, my thoughts plenty loud enough for me to listen to without any other interference.

Ten or so minutes later, the car pulled up in front of the Roost and I hopped out. It was kind of weird coming here and not needing to go in for an eight hour shift, but I wasn’t complaining. I hovered outside, thanked the driver, and pulled out my phone. Right as I was about to text Sooyoung to let her know I was there, a comfortingly familiar voice made my heart skip a beat.

“Hey.” She’d been standing beneath an awning and I guess I just hadn’t noticed her. I wasn’t too surprised, my mind was buzzing and I sort of had tunnel vision. She wore a tight, _very_ well-fitting black tank top with a slender turtleneck and equally well-fitting jeans. Her midriff was exposed. She uh... she knew how to dress.

“U-uh, hi...” I stammered dumbly.

She smiled at me softly, the faintest little thing, but it made my whole body feel fuzzy and warm.

She moved closer, and the fluttering of my chest intensified with each step she took. I felt like a flustered schoolgirl, like I had on our very first date, where I could almost barely form words, and I wasn’t quite sure why I was so starstruck all over again. These periods of separation just made seeing her afterward so impossibly impactful. When she slowly wrapped me in her arms, I couldn’t even think. I just hid my face in her shoulder, feeling a blush settling in on my cheeks and knowing it wasn’t gonna go anywhere any time soon.

“It’s good to see you.” She muttered sincerely in my ear, and I knew she was telling the truth. It made me smile, maybe a bit too wide, so I was glad she couldn’t see.

“Yeah, um... me too-- erm-- good to see you too, I mean.” I fumbled, my heart beating fast. Her hand traced a light circle against my back before she took a step away, and I got a much needed deep breath in.

After looking me up and down briefly in a way that sent a chill up my spine, she started walking down the street, “It’s uh, it’s this way. My friends started grilling me about where I was going, so sorry in advance if they get all interrogate-y when we get back.” I stuck to her side, shoving my hands in my pockets because they’d started to tremble.

I was intensely curious about what Sooyoung’s friends were like, and although I hadn’t thought about it too often, I guess I’d always been curious. She was so selective about what she told me, or at least she had been at the start of all this. I looked at her closer, trying to get rid of my doe-eyes for a second to instead analyze her body language. At first glance she _seemed_ like she was at ease, her usual, charming self, but she was having a hard time meeting my eyes. And I noticed the way her hands were shaking too, but she wasn’t bothering to hide it, instead seeming to pretend like it wasn’t happening in the first place. Playing it off. She was good at that. If you hadn’t looked closely, you wouldn’t have noticed because she seemed so cool and collected. But I noticed. She was nervous, and I wondered why.

“I’m excited to meet them!” I told her with a slight skip in my step. If she’d been a bit closer to me on the sidewalk, I would’ve been bold and held her hand, but she was just out of reach enough that I had a feeling she might not want to.

She scoffed at my happy comment, “Don’t be.” That almost sounded like a joke, but it was hard to tell. I wasn’t sure why she’d joke about that.

I laughed slightly, confused, “Why not?” Regardless of whatever she was gonna tell me, I was excited and I couldn’t help it. This felt like some sort of sneak peek into a part of Sooyoung’s life I hadn’t seen yet. Like I was discovering something.

She kicked a stray pebble that was in her path, her pace slow, like she was taking her time, “I dunno. They’re... not too exciting.” It sort of sounded like she was downplaying them. That, or they were _really_ exciting and it embarrassed her so she was in denial. Part of me doubted that, though. Sooyoung seemed a bit too low key to hang around people that energetic. I was sort of still surprised she could put up with me. Happy, but surprised.

I shrugged, “That’s okay, I’m still excited! I’m excited for you to meet my friends someday, too.” My mind flashed to something I’d forgotten: Yerim was having something at her house in a few days, with the whole group. She loved hosting, and we loved going there. So... maybe it was a good opportunity to invite Sooyoung? She’d rejected me last time I tried to integrate her, but that was just because of the setting. So maybe she’d say yes now? I wondered how Chae would feel about it. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea? In case this... didn’t go well?

My optimism nagged at me. It was going to go well. And... even if didn’t go _exactly_ the way I wanted it to, I could still be Sooyoung’s friend right? I flinched slightly at the thought for some reason. I wasn’t sure why. But... trying to picture Sooyoung as my friend just felt... wrong? Ok, maybe not wrong, but... I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do that. At least... not for a while.

It took a little while before she said anything else to me, seeming uncertain. I watched from the corner of my eye as she tentatively nursed her lower lip between her teeth, “I... yeah, I’d like to meet them too.”

I smiled broadly, not having expected that answer, or how sincere the sentiment sounded. I wondered if she regretted not being able to tag along for ice cream that day, if she maybe wished she’d been able to stay after all. I remembered what she’d said: “some other time.” Well, it was some other time. So why not extend the invite?

“Um... well, actually, my friend Yerim is having something at her place on Tuesday. Most of my friends will be there, and you’d be more than welcome.” At my question she finally managed to turn and look at me, matching my gaze. She was surprised. She shouldn’t have been, I mean, it was sort of common for me to invite her to places, and also common for her to reject the invitations. Subconsciously I was anticipating yet another rejection, having gotten used to it without realizing.

She tucked some of her hair behind her ear with her slender fingers. I noticed her nails were painted maroon, the same color they’d been the first time I’d met her. If it made sense, she somehow seemed even more beautiful now than she had then, “Yeah. Yeah, um, as long as I can show up with you. If that’s ok?” That shyness was emerging again. It was _so_ adorable. _God,_ I wanted to kiss her.

I did my best to suppress my smile from being an ear-to-ear grin, “Of course! Maybe we could meet up beforehand or something? I could come get you from your dorm?” I stuck to her side as she rounded a corner. We’d gone down a street or so by that point, and from what she’d told me that meant we were pretty close to the club by then. It was only then that I fully processed the fact that I’d never actually been to a real “club.” Hopefully I didn’t do anything _too_ stupid. I probably would.

“Sounds like a plan.” She suddenly reached over, intertwining our fingers together and nearly giving me goosebumps. It was then that she pulled me along with her into the building at our side, keeping me close. 

It was more of a bar than a “club,” I’d say, but I was pretty glad. When I thought of clubs I thought of huge buildings with crazy lights and music so loud you couldn’t even hear each other talk. This place was on the relatively smaller side, with a grimey looking bar and a relatively small dance floor more toward the back. Despite being small, it was plenty crowded. Everyone was basically on top of each other, but I guess that was sort of the point. A heavy bass made the floor vibrate along with the beat of some rap song I didn’t recognize - I didn’t really listen to rap that much. It wasn't what I’d expected, but that didn’t at all mean I was familiar with the setting. My body tensed ever so slightly and my grip on Sooyoung tightened involuntarily for a fleeing moment. Her response was to squeeze my hand in wordless reassurance.

“Ayyyy!!” A strikingly beautiful girl hovering near the bar called out, looking toward the two of us with a dazzling smile. Sooyoung suddenly let me go and took a step away, a smile coming to her face as she walked up to this girl. I followed her closely, not wanting to be even more than a foot away from her. Once we’d gotten to her I’d expected the two to hug, like I always greeted my friends, but they just waved. They looked happy to see each other, but there was no contact, “Nice to see ya, you unavailable bitch.” She swirled the cup she had in her hand, and I couldn’t quite tell what was in it, but based off the very slight slurring of her words I assumed it was alcohol.

Sooyoung glared playfully, not missing a beat, “Sorry I go to school, dumbass.” She glanced back at me, hovering at her side, “Jiwoo, this is Dabin.” I waited a few seconds, wondering if she planned on giving me any more background about their friendship or how’d they met or... I dunno, anything, but she didn’t.

I extended my hand toward her, “Hi! It’s so nice to meet you!”

Dabin just stared at me, her gaze flitting between my outstretched hand and my big smile. After another few lingering moments, she finally reached forward and shook my hand with her own. Her grip was weak and the contact was very short-lived, but I was grateful she’d accepted the gesture. Only in hindsight did I wonder if that was stupid of me. Maybe I should’ve just waved like they had. I felt a blush rising to my cheeks that was probably going to stick around. Thankfully the lighting was really bad, so it wasn’t like anyone would be able to tell.

“Where’d Yebin go? Don’t tell me she already left with someone.” Sooyoung asked teasingly. Her tone had adopted the default charismatic one she’d used early on when I was getting to know her. Now that I thought about it more, I hadn’t heard it in a while. When she talked to me now, she sounded different. Like she wasn’t trying to charm me anymore, like she was just being herself. Not that her natural self wasn’t charming, oh, she was very very charming without even needing to try, but I think she at least felt like she didn’t _need_ to be charming around me.

Dabin shrugged, looking over her shoulder toward the dance floor while she took a long sip from her tall glass. She pointed vaguely in that direction, “She went to dance. You know her.” There was a discrete eye roll on the end of that. I wondered why. I wondered a lot of things about all of what was happening, but I was pretty overwhelmed, so I didn’t try to process everything right then.

I scanned the crowded dance floor, trying to somehow see which of the girls in question was this “Yebin.” Before I had much time to guess, a blonde staggered out from the center of it, pushing her way ungracefully toward the bar. At first she didn’t spot us, until Dabin spun on the stool she sat on and decided to shout at her.

“Yebin! Get over here, Sooyoung’s back!” Her voice, even at the elevated volume, was almost drowned out by the music and the ambient commotion of the semi-crowded bar. Yebin smiled dopily at us and quickly came over, tripping slightly over nothing.

“Sup hoes.” She greeted the two. I wondered if I was included as a “hoe.” She slapped her hand on the counter, definitely being the most visibly inebriated of the two but still not hesitating in the slightest when she called out to the bartender, “Hey! Barkeep! Shots, over here!” The burly man nodded. Familiarity showed behind his eyes slightly when he looked over at us, as if the trio were regulars.

Sooyoung shook her head, “None for me. I’m gonna be driving, so, nah.” She leaned against the counter, the four of us on the corner of it. I just stood awkwardly at her side, hovering but not quite knowing how to look natural.

Yebin blew a raspberry at the excuse. Quite the mature reaction, but it made me like her already, “Ahhhh, that’s no fun. Since when are you a designated driver? God, who are you and what’ve you done with Sooyoung?” The bartender came over, sliding four small glasses at us. Dabin and Yebin wordlessly grabbed one for themselve,s tossing them back without so much as flinching. One had also been pushed in front of me.

Yebin cleared her throat ever so slightly and only seemed to notice then that I was even there, “Oh, hey,” She leaned closer, as if getting a better look at me, “This that Jiwoo girl?”

_That Jiwoo girl._ Huh. I wondered if that was how Sooyoung talked about me to her friends. I wondered if Sooyoung ever even really talked about me to her friends. If she did, I wondered what she’d told them. If she’d even told them anything besides my name. It almost didn’t seem like it, since Yebin clearly had nothing much to go off of. Maybe the first time she’d mentioned me had been when she’d told these two she was leaving to go meet up with me and bring me back here. I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Sooyoung nodded, but provided no further explanation. Did they just not need it...? Had she already explained it to them?

I decided against trying to do another awkward handshake, instead waving slightly. Yebin just tilted her head at me, looking me up and down slowly just like Dabin had. Neither of them were subtle about it. Maybe they didn’t want to be. I’d only been there for a minute or so and I could tell that their inherent confidence and boldness was very similar to Sooyoung’s. Maybe that’s why they got along?

“Hi!” I greeted her brightly and was glad to see her smile right back at me. I think she was kinda drunk, which just made her smiley in general, but either way I was thankful.

Her primary concern seemed to be the untouched shot that remained in front of me, and she pointed at it, “You gonna drink that?”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I just kinda stared at it, then back at her, then at Sooyoung. Sooyoung’s face was totally blank. She didn’t seem disapproving, or like she expected me to. She seemed completely indifferent. Dabin and Yebin were far less neutral.

Dabin reached closer and nudged my shoulder, “C’mon. I can literally see how tense you are, it’ll loosen you up.” Yebin nodded an excessive amount, reaching over and pushing the shot glass even closer to me, so much so that it nearly fell over the edge of the counter. I held up my hand so she wouldn’t accidentally shove it to the floor from her lack of precise coordination.

“Yeah, it’s good stuff, too! It’s on me, I got a raise so we’re celebratin’.” Yebin explained proudly. It was nice of her to offer that. I knew alcohol was pretty expensive, and she didn’t even know me. Maybe she was just this generous all the time?

“I, uh...” I really wasn’t sure. I mean, I didn’t have anything against drinking, I just wasn’t too experienced with it. We had too many babies in our friend group to make drinking a regular social habit. I’d just figured I’d get into it during my college years like most kids. Was now the time? “Um, congratulations? Where do you work?” I tried to change the topic. Not a very subtle cop-out.

Yebin opened her mouth to respond, but Dabin held up one of her dainty hands, to stop her, “Doesn’t matter, take the shot! Live a little. You’re not uptight, are you?” She sounded sort of... judgemental. It made me feel like I should get defensive, which was an emotion I didn’t feel too often.

Sooyoung spoke up for the first time in a while, “Hey, guys, don’t pressure her okay?” She edged closer to me along the counter, her tone relatively serious. Neither of the girls had expected it.

“We aren’t pressuring her! We just want her to relax.” Yebin insisted, raising up both of her hands in defense.

I didn’t necessarily feel pressured, it was just my own uncertainty. What was the harm? It was just one shot. I took a quiet, deep breath in preparation, and before either of them had a chance to rebuttal with anything, I tossed back the shot in one motion like I’d seen them do.

The liquid was _incredibly_ bitter and it burnt my throat. Ew, why did people do this? I coughed slightly, resisting an urge to grab at my neck in some childish way to ease the stinging because I had a suspicion that these girls were pretty unrelenting with the teasing. My own group teased plenty, but I also knew them, so it was in good fun and was mainly jokes. I didn’t really know these girls. I was new here. They all were familiar, but I sure wasn’t.

“Ayy, there ya go!” Yebin made the effort to approach me and clapped me supportively on the shoulder maybe a bit too hard, “Tastes like shit, I know, but it’ll help you chill a bit.” I looked at Sooyoung but she wasn’t looking at me, instead resting her head on her hand and staring down at the tiled pattern of the countertop.

Dabin pinched one of my cheeks, probably feeling how warm they were as she did so, “Wow, you’re adorable.” If my face wasn’t red before, it definitely was now. I wasn’t used to pretty girls complimenting me. I hadn’t been used to it with Sooyoung, and I wasn’t used to it with Sooyoung’s friends either.

Sooyoung’s seemingly distracted gaze suddenly fixed straight onto Dabin, and it was sharp. Piercing. She wasn’t glaring, but the glint to her eyes was as hostile as it could be without her doing so. Dabin pretended not to notice, definitely having caught the looks she was being shot, but not seeming to care. She withdrew from the contact she’d had with me, but instead teased her lower lip between her teeth with her eyes dark in a way I’d only seen Sooyoung’s show before she... made uh, moves on me. Whoa.

Yebin stepped between us and I was silently thankful that Dabin’s semi-predatory gaze wasn’t locked on me anymore, “Sooyoung, why is it I haven’t seen or heard from you in like, months?” For a while, Sooyoung didn’t answer. Instead, she kept that intense gaze on Dabin, letting it linger, as if making her point, before actually deciding to respond.

“School keeps me busy. I’m paying to be there so I don’t plan on flunking out.” The charm was back to her voice, having returned once she was done with defending me.

Dabin pouted at Sooyoung, “We miss you, Soo. C’mon, it’s way past time for an update.” She scooted closer, as if being drawn in by the mere concept of this potential “update.” Update on what?  
  


Sooyoung visibly tensed. I watched as the eye contact she’d previously been maintaining with no problem suddenly wavered. My chest tightened ever so slightly. What was this update about...?

She smiled weakly and shook her head. Why didn’t she want to tell them? Now I wanted to know too. Probably for very different reasons, but I still wanted to know.

Yebin sat back down in her stool, leaning closer over the counter, “You can’t leave us hanging, come on. We used to basically have a fucking live text update on your body count at least within 24 hours but you’ve gotten all stingy lately.”

I was so confused. What did they mean by “body count?” I felt like I’d heard the phrase before, but I couldn’t quite remember where, or what it meant. Despite that, I had a feeling that it was bad. Or at least... bad for me. Nothing I wanted to hear. I guess I actually hadn’t wanted to know. 

Dabin’s pout got more exaggerated. I wondered if that actually worked on Sooyoung, “You’ve gotta return the favor! It’s only fair. After my one-night stands I text you both with details _during_ the walk of shame.” She crossed her arms, as if that warranted praise.

Surprisingly, she got it in an instant from Yebin, who gave her a quick high-five, “That’s dedication.” She pointed at Sooyoung accusingly, “C’mon, spill.”

My stomach started to hurt ever so slightly. I wasn’t sure if it was from the steady beat of the bass from the music, the shot I’d unexpectedly taken, or from what they were talking about. Maybe it was a combination of the three. All I knew was that I understood it now. They were talking about people they’d... _been_ with. They were talking about it so casually. Like it was points on a scoreboard, almost. They were counting it. I... felt sick. I could barely bring myself to look at Sooyoung anymore. My head started to throb.

Sooyoung sighed, “I... Dabin, are you still living with that dude or have you gotten a new apartment? Cuz I know someone who may be looking for a roommate and--”

“--Don’t change the subject bitch! You’re not sneaky!” Yebin interrupted her. She was right, that was a pretty blatant avoidance on Sooyoung’s part. I was sort of surprised, she was usually good at avoiding things she didn’t want to talk about.

I was just sort of standing there, literally in the middle of this discussion, my head throbbing and spinning and feeling like I was potentially about to fall over. I felt so conflicted. Did I _want_ to know what Sooyoung’s answer was? Or would it just hurt? Did hiding her answer almost implicate even more than her just being honest right off the bat with no hesitation? Or was she trying to avoid this topic altogether for my sake? I didn’t know. I just didn’t know. I loosely wrapped my arms around myself and tried to keep all my negative emotions from visibly showing too much on my face. I didn’t think I’d survive even the slightest level of interrogation from anyone here, and if they saw me frowning, they’d probably ask questions.

“Just give us a number. What’s the count up to?” Dabin prodded.

Sooyoung shook her head ever so slightly, the motion so minor it was hard to see.

“Come _on_! Fine, how about we say ours and then you say yours?” Yebin decided to make a proposition. Sooyoung didn’t respond, but she did look at the two directly for the first time since this topic had been raised. That was as much of a confirmation as they thought they were going to get, apparently, so they just went for it.

“Mine’s fourteen.” Dabin stated matter-of-factly, twirling a strand of her long hair around her finger.

“Sixteen.” Yebin piped up.

The two stared at Sooyoung expectantly. The seconds dragged on. I clenched my hands into fists, the suspense killing me, not sure what I even wanted her answer to be.

Sooyoung rested her head on her hand and shut her eyes, as if bracing for some sort of impact, “Twenty.”

Dabin bounced up and down in her seat, “Ohh!! That’s up by three since last time, wow! And who’re the lucky girls?” She leaned closer again. I felt totally forgotten in this conversation, with no idea how to interject, or if I even wanted to.

Sooyoung just shrugged, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

Yebin let out a single, loud laugh, “Ha! Bullshit! All you _do_ is kiss and tell!”

Dabin gasped to herself, “Oooh, bitch, wait a damn second,” I raised an eyebrow at her, confused, until she suddenly reached forward and slid two fingers beneath Sooyoung’s turtleneck, tugging it down slightly and revealing something that had been hidden there. There were marks. They were fading ever so slightly, but there were clear marks there, “Oh? And what’re _those_?”

It felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually grimaced slightly before I could contain the reaction.

Those weren’t from me. Obviously.

Sooyoung slapped Dabin’s hand away in an instant, tugging her collar back up. I saw her blushing, but I couldn’t look for too long. It made my chest start to hurt, “Nothing.” She was defensive but trying to play it off. Because if she seemed too defensive, then she was lying. It was hard to lie about marks that people could see. I mean... they were right there. And what else could possibly give you those marks...?

Yebin was chuckling smugly to herself, gesturing to the bartender, “Nice turtleneck. Super subtle, it’s totally not like ninety degrees out or anything.” Another set of three shots were brought and set in front of us. The two of them downed theirs without so much as blinking. I just stared at mine.

Dabin tilted her head at Sooyoung curiously, “I always thought you went the makeup route for covering hickeys.”

I couldn’t help but grimace again. My stomach just... hurt. Without letting myself think, I reached forward, grabbed the shot glass, and downed its contents in one swift swig. It still burned and tasted terrible, but I just... I dunno. Dabin and Yebin seemed happy and carefree. I wanted to feel that way too. I wanted to feel anything except how bad I felt as soon as I saw those marks on Sooyoung’s neck.

That time, I felt Sooyoung’s eyes on me. The first shot she hadn’t much cared. But now? She was practically boring holes into my cheek, but I wouldn’t look at her. I couldn’t.

Sooyoung spoke firmly, “Stop. It’s nothing. Really.” I wasn’t sure why she kept saying that. It was a bad excuse that wouldn’t actually make them stop prying. Even I knew that, and I’d just met them.

As expected, Yebin questioned her further, “Who left it? Anyone we know?”

Sooyoung snapped every so slightly, “Shut _up_.” You could tell how serious she was. Serious enough to shut down even the lightest of teasing. She almost sounded mad.

Dabin scoffed under her breath, subtly rolling her eyes, “God, you’re no fun tonight.” She tugged her phone from a small purse dangling around her arm, briefly checking it before setting it down on the counter. Yebin was distracted, seeming to like the song that was playing. I could tell she was considering going back to the dance floor. Dabin sighed before spinning on the stool to face me fully, finally addressing me for the first time in a while, “And what about you, cutie?”

My eyebrows raised, heart beating faster, “Me?”

Yebin suddenly tuned back into the conversation now, “Yeah, what’s yours?”

They were asking this so casually, so flippantly, but if they were really wanting to know what I thought they were, it didn’t seem like a casual question in the slightest. Definitely not something you should ask a stranger your first time meeting them. “My what...?”

Dabin didn’t hesitate in the slightest to answer me, “Your body count. How many people you’ve--” Sooyoung cleared her throat in an exaggerated manner, as if trying to consciously censor her lewd friend. Sooyoung was sort of acting like their behavior was out of character and not appropriate, but I had a strong suspicion that when she was around them without an audience, she acted just like this. Dabin rolled her eyes subtly again before forcing a polite smile, “-- _been_ with.”

My mind flashed back to when Sooyoung had asked me that question in the hot tub and I felt a chill go up my spine just from the thought. Without fail, I always had that reaction.

I didn’t know what to say. I felt so stupid, so innocent and naive compared to all of them - Sooyoung included. I’d only been with one person, and she was standing right next to me, which somehow made it even worse. In any other setting I wouldn’t necessarily be ashamed of that, but here? With these girls who almost sounded as if they were bragging about it? I felt like my inexperience was shameful, or laughable. The blush on my cheeks deepened and my trembling hands shook harder. I pushed them into my pockets, my mind going a million miles an hour trying to come up with some way to say this that wouldn’t result in teasing.

Sooyoung shifted where she sat, scooting closer to me on her stool. I took a slight step away without thinking much of it, listening closely as she spoke entreatingly, “C’mon guys, leave her be.” Frustration tinged her tone too. I knew she was trying to help, but her clear distaste at me being asked the question sort of made a lot of things inferable.

These two weren’t dumb, and they quickly realized it without either of us needing to say it aloud. Yebin’s eyes widened for a second, “Ohh, I get it. Little Soo here was your first?”

Was it really that obvious? I thought back to the number Sooyoung had said before and I couldn’t help but wonder how many of those people had also been... inexperienced like I was. I hated thinking about that. I hated it so much, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d thought I was special. I thought it’d been a big deal when Sooyoung and I did that, but I was wrong. She did this all the time. With plenty of people.

The optimistic part of me was still trying. It was trying _so_ hard to find something good in all of this mess, but the only thing it was picking up on was how protective Sooyoung seemed of me. She hadn’t wanted to reveal that. She was uncharacteristically reluctant with the information, and I think it was because she hadn’t wanted me to know. Which was sort of sweet, in a way. And she was trying to help me, not wanting to put me in an awkward position where I had to answer something I wouldn’t want to. Her intentions were good. I appreciated it. But that didn’t make my stomach stop aching or my chest any less tight.

“I-I...” What was I going to say? No? As if I could belivably lie to these girls. There was no way. Maybe I didn’t have to confirm it. They could probably just guess the answer to that, judging by my body language and visible nervousness.

Dabin smiled, but in a way that someone would smile at a lost puppy or a kid who’d just scraped their knee. Almost like she pitied me. Was I pitiable right now? She reached forward, resting a gentle hand on my arm, almost as if to comfort me. I hated this, “I think that’s sweet! She even bothered to drag you here, hell, maybe she’ll keep you.” She added on that last part with skepticism in her tone.

I raised an eyebrow, my stomach tying itself further into painful knots, “Keep me...?”

Sooyoung’s voice was demanding and dead set, “Stop it.” I wasn’t looking at her still, but it almost sounded like that was spoken between clenched teeth. Anger was practically radiating off of her and it was odd. I’d never seen her angry before. If I’d been less rattled, I would’ve tried to tend to her, calm her down, or help in some way, but I was so incredibly out of it.

Yebin leaned closer to Dabin, as if to mutter something discreetly in her ear, but her state of inebriation caused her volume to be louder than she intended and we could all hear, “Probably not, she’s still hung up on Che--”

“-- _shht._ ” Sooyoung frantically interjected, even bringing her fist down pretty hard onto the counter. The outburst was so sudden and unexpected that I finally let myself look toward her. Some of her hair had fallen in her face, but I could see her eyes, and yeah, she was _definitely_ angry. It was sort of scary. She pulled it back almost immediately, the glare on her face fading to a mere furrowed brow and the fire behind her gaze relaxing ever so slightly. I think she’d barely expected herself to lash out like that.

Yebin and Dabin’s cocky, smug smiles both faded in an instant, and Yebin made sure to speak in a surprisingly coherent and steady voice, “Sorry.” The apology was genuine. Very genuine. Probably the first genuine, not sarcastic thing I’d heard either of them say.

A silence spread, a tense, heavy, and awkward one in which nobody directly looked at each other. I had _so_ many questions. What name had Yebin started to say? Why had it made Sooyoung so incredibly angry that she’d almost shouted in the middle of this bar? Why hadn’t Dabin and Yebin teased her for it, like they seemed to always be relentlessly teasing each other? Was it too sensitive of a topic? Over the line, even for them? What on _earth_ would they consider to be over the line? The pain in my stomach started to dissipate as my curiosity piqued.

Yebin clapped her hands once, the noise breaking the stilted silence by force, “Well, I love this song! Dabin, dance with me!” She grabbed the other girl by her wrist and tugged her forcibly off her stool, the two of them quickly rushing to the dance floor before the first chorus. They’d left Sooyoung and I alone, and for once, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was happy about that. My brain was starting to feel fuzzy from those two shots.

Sooyoung hopped off of her stool, running her palm down her face “This was a dumb idea, lemme bring you home.” Without waiting for a response, she was already heading to the door, as if anticipating I’d follow. She was right, I stuck to her heels like glue, if not for the sole purpose of not wanting to be abandoned at this bar, but I stopped her. I picked up my pace and stood in her path, which was more than enough to make her pause.

“Why? Don’t you want to stay with your friends?” I glanced over at them, having fun on the dance floor. Sooyoung liked to dance, and she was, uh, good at it. Was I ruining whatever plans she’d had? Was it _my_ fault this was awkward? I felt bad, but... she’d invited me.   
  


She shook her head firmly, “No. I’m not in the mood for them.” Our eye contact was maintained with seemingly no effort on her part while I was struggling. It was hard for me to pretend like I was unaffected. Not only was I hurt by the information I’d been told about Sooyoung’s... involvements, but I was confused about why Sooyoung had snapped at them, and on top of it all I was pretty tipsy by that point. I wondered if she could tell, or if it even mattered at all.

I tried to offer an alternative, feeling like this was a disappointment somehow and like it was my fault it’d wound up being that way, “Why go home though? We could still--”

She didn’t even give me the chance, “No. I’m tired. I stayed up really late last night.”

My heart wrenched and I stopped my weak attempts at protesting because my mind instantly shot back to the marks on her neck. I wasn’t the best judge of these things, but I wondered if they were recent enough to have been from the night before. I felt sick again.

Sooyoung rightfully assumed that I was done putting up a fight, and she instead stepped past me to the door and held it open. Like she always did. I stepped outside to the semi-humor summer air, my mind still buzzing. She walked down the street to wherever she’d parked. I followed.

The alcohol was dulling my inhibitions. I’d heard that it did that, but never understood what it felt like. Really all it did was shut down the full extent of my debilitating overthinking, and let me just do things without considering them to death. It let me be bolder and more direct than I ever would be sober.

Taking only a slight breath in anticipation, I dared to speak up as we slowly strolled down the almost empty city streets, “Who gave you that hickey?”

She flinched visibly, as if someone had just slapped her, and turned to look at me, “What?”

I didn’t miss a beat, surprisingly. Normally I would’ve backed down, only having had enough courage to ask it once. But not this time, “The hickey. Who gave it to you?”

Her pace slowed so much that it was practically a standstill, and she just stared at me, seeming absolutely flabbergasted. I think she knew that it was incredibly unlike me to be so straightforward, and she wasn’t sure how to respond to it. This just wasn’t how our dynamic worked, so she had to adjust, and it took her a few seconds to do so, “Just... nothing. It’s not a hickey.” She picked up the pace again, walking a bit faster than before.

I kept up, staring at her profile and, more particularly, her turtleneck, “Let me see it then.”

I’d semi-expected her to be surprised at my demand, but she seemed to have anticipated it because her response was automatic, “No.”

Despite my words themselves being demanding and almost accusatory, none of that reflected in my tone, oddly enough. I still sounded like the usual, timid, shy, flustered Jiwoo. It’d probably be very confusing if you overheard any of this conversation as a bystander, “Why? If it’s not a hickey?”

Finally, she stopped walking altogether, turning to fully face me. I did the same, staring deeply at her, falling into the impossible depth her eyes had and feeling a strange new resentment toward myself for just how _easy_ it was for me to instantly become enthralled by her, “Can’t you just believe me?”

That... got to me. Of course I could believe her. I _wanted_ to believe her, more than anything. I wished that were the truth, more than anything, but I knew it wasn’t. I wasn’t a total idiot, even when I was tipsy. I’d seen enough of those marks in the bar to know that they couldn’t have feasibly been anything else besides a hickey. Even she knew that. That’s why she wasn’t trying to come up with any sort of alternative for what they were, because what the hell else could they be? So she’d resorted to this. I wondered if she’d known just how effective it’d be against me.

My resolve crumbled all at once, my voice nothing more than a whisper that almost got carried away on the next gust of wind, “... I guess.”

She didn’t say anything else. Just stared at me, hard, for a few moments longer, her eyes teeming with visible emotions I couldn’t read because my brain wasn’t working right. Then she kept walking. I followed her. Neither of us said another word. Her car was parked on the street a minute or so from there, and when we reached it, she held the door open for me again. Like she always did. I got a bad taste in my mouth for some reason.

She turned the engine on and started driving, and an intense pressure started to weigh down on me. She’d probably get me home and drop me off. And that was it, that was the date. Well, I guess it wasn’t a date. But whatever - after this, I wouldn’t see her. She’d claimed she’d come on Tuesday, but I was starting to doubt the validity and reliability of those plans.

I’d made a promise to Chae. The game plan. I had to follow through. It probably took ten or so minutes to get back to my place. That just wasn’t enough time, and I had _so_ many other questions _besides_ the core one I’d promised to ask.

Maybe it was my tipsy brain being unable to properly prioritize, but I blurted out the thing that seemed the most prominent in my brain at that moment - cutting through the suffocating silence that had started to fill her car, “What were they talking about?”

She said nothing. I could practically hear her thinking, probably going through the consequences of each choice she could make at this moment, and finally deciding to settle on a rather non-confrontational response, “I don’t know what you mean.”

I wasn’t having it. Normal, sober Jiwoo probably would’ve gotten too nervous to press the issue, but I wanted to know. The charm of the Sooyoung mysteriousness was starting to wear off, and again I’m not sure if that was because the alcohol numbed my usual sensations for her or instead amplified them so much I could hardly stand it. Nothing seemed to make sense. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted answers.

“The name they almost said. You got pissed.” I elaborated simply.

She didn’t answer. I waited. Patiently. For what must’ve been a solid minute, but she just didn’t answer. I could tell she wasn’t considering what to say, either. She’d decided to not say anything. I looked at her, and she was staring ahead, focusing on the road. No. I wasn’t doing this. No silent treatment. God, this was so immature.

I shifted in my seat to better look at her, hoping that my harsh gaze would add pressure, “Who were they talking about, Sooyoung?”

Nothing.

“Is it someone I know?”

Nothing.   
  


“Why would you be ‘hung up’ on them?”

Nothing.

I was getting frustrated. Incredibly frustrated. I didn’t want to lash out at her, even when I couldn’t quite think straight. The last thing I wanted was for us to have anything even close to a “fight.” What was so wrong about demanding answers? I didn’t think it’d be this much of an issue and I didn’t understand why it was.

“Why won’t you talk to m--”

I didn’t get to finish my last question, which was more of a complaint than an inquiry, because she’d started to talk. She started to talk slowly, with so much feeling behind her words that it damn near took my breath away. I’m not sure what I’d been subconsciously preparing myself for, but it hadn’t been this.

“Cheonsoo was my girlfriend. She was the first girl I ever dated, and I was so fucking in love with her I felt it every second of every day in my chest like this... burning, fluttery, passionate thing that made my life so happy and light and _good_.” She clenched the steering wheel with white knuckles for a few moments before letting out a dragging breath and loosening her grip, “She made me a better person. I really think she did.” I’d never heard that tone to her voice before. It was... wistful, almost. Like she yearned terribly for something long since gone, and was aware she’d never get it back.

She smiled bitterly all of a sudden, “And guess what?” She went quiet for a moment or two, as if genuinely wanting me to guess, and my lips parted to do so. I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea. She filled in the blanks for me, and my stomach dropped. “She cheated on me.”

I couldn’t think of much of anything to say besides a stupid, shocked, “Oh.”

She laughed a hollow, empty laugh, “Yeah. ‘Oh.’” Her shoulders were tense and she was sneering subtly, the hurt she was experiencing visible behind her eyes. For some reason I could tell she was still trying to downplay the full extent of it, but wow, I could only _imagine_ how much that hurt. Why hide it?

The silence spread for a few moments. I wasn’t sure what I was expected to say, what she wanted me to say, or if I was even supposed to say anything. The only thing I could think to do was show her some empathy, because that was all I felt at that moment - _such_ intense empathy for what she’d gone through.

“I’m... I’m sor--”

She cut me off, her words leaving her in a such a way that I knew they’d been festering at the top of her chest, “Guess who she cheated on me with. Just take a fucking guess.” The _hatred_ behind her voice was so sobering. Literally, I felt the slight fuzziness that had been dulling my senses fading away along with my fleeting ability to be assertive. I wasn’t sure if she actually wanted me to guess. I suspected she didn't, so I just went quiet, staring at her with soft eyes. I had a feeling I wouldn’t like the answer. “My best friend since I was seven.”

Ow. My heart wrenched, aching for her and what she’d gone through. I’d already thought it was bad enough for someone to have cheated on her, let alone with someone she’d been that close with, someone she must’ve trusted to be better than that. My jaw dropped and I tried to process that, tried to process how anyone could _do_ that to their _best friend_. It was only then that I remembered our second date, in the park, the first time she’d kissed me. I’d tried to ask her about her best friend, and she’d told me they weren’t close anymore. That there were “open wounds.” I felt like that was an understatement. Although I wasn’t sure how long ago all of this went down, the wounds that must’ve been left would probably never fully heal. I knew they wouldn’t have for me.

I shifted slightly where I sat, sighing lightly to myself as a pressure weighed down on my shoulders. This sense of helplessness was starting to utterly consume me because I had no idea how comfort her, if she even wanted comfort, if I’d pushed her too hard and she didn’t want to be talking about this in the first place. When she’d opened up about her dad, yeah I’d had to push her somewhere she hadn’t necessarily wanted to go, but it seemed cathartic and cleansing. Bringing this up, though? She just seemed so intensely bitter. Like so much as thinking about it just made a semi-forgotten, _potent_ hatred surface in her that she tried actively to suppress.

“Sooyoung, I’m...” I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say, but I felt like I should speak. She was just sitting there, that subtle sneer still on her face.

She grimaced in disgust at the memories she was reliving, “I’d have to see it. Every day. They’d hold hands in the halls. Everyone knew. Literally everybody in school knew that I’d gotten lied to and screwed over, and while they rubbed it in my face, the two people I cared about more than anything acted like I didn’t even exist. Like I’d _never_ mattered to them and they could give two shits if they’d ruined me.” We stopped at a stoplight and she shut her eyes tightly for a few moments, a glare settling on her stunning features.

She was right to be angry. Hell, _I_ was angry _for_ her. How could someone do that? Wouldn’t you feel guilty? Wouldn’t you think twice? Wouldn’t your conscience kick in or something? The only thing I could hope for was karma to bite them both in the ass some day. I could only imagine just how much damage that did to her, how many issues she still had that she was still dealing with although it sounded like this had happened at least a year prior. Stuff like that really did ruin people, but hearing her say out loud that she felt ruined? That hurt. She wasn’t ruined. Far from it.

I planned on telling her that, on validating her to a bordering on excessive amount, “I... that’s so _wrong_ , and--”

I’d wrongly assumed that she’d finished “Cheonsoo ripped my heart straight out of my fucking chest and practically spat on it, after I gave her literally everything I could’ve ever given a person, and she doesn’t care. Nobody _fucking_ cares.” I noticed the way she spoke in the present tense now, not in the past. Like Cheonsoo _still_ didn’t care, and like Sooyoung _still_ thought that nobody cared, even then.

That wasn’t true. I cared. So much.

My lips parted to say that, but nothing would come out. I was scared for some reason. It wasn’t like I hadn’t admitted my feelings for her already, I just... wasn’t sure if that was something she’d want to hear. The silence that spread was dense and filled with the sound of Sooyoung’s ever so slightly uneven breathing. She sighed heavily, muttering a curse between clenched teeth before finally driving again. The light had been green for nearly ten seconds, but she’d just stared at it as if with some sort of personal vendetta, only driving through when it turned yellow.

She chuckled bitterly again, the sound somehow managing to convey an utter hopelessness and cynicism that was only reinforced by her next words, “What’s the point of trusting someone, of loving someone if all they do is leave? What’s the fucking point of any of it, Jiwoo? Tell me.”

I didn’t know what to say. The point was... to feel something, I guess. Even if it was negative, even if it hurt like hell, feeling things was human. And the chance of something positive coming from that love, the comforting reassurance of true, unconditioned trust was so worth the risk. Maybe that was my optimism talking. Maybe she was asking me this almost rhetorically. Maybe the absolute last thing she wanted to hear was some assertion of my semi-forced positivity. My chest felt so incredibly _empty_.

“I...” The word left me on my next breath but I hadn’t planned on saying anything else.

Her glare had faded, being replaced by an odd expression of disingenuous indifference. She was trying to pretend she was unaffected, like she’d put all this behind it and had grown from it, but the hurt was _so_ blatantly visible in everything she was saying and doing. Her voice shook slightly when she next spoke and I think she even heard herself how unconvincing she sounded, because her next words were honest. Bleak and dark, but honest.

“See? You can’t. You don’t even know. I don’t blame you. People just hurt. They lie, and they make empty promises, and they say they love you and that they won’t go anywhere but they do, or they die, or they break your heart and don’t even flinch.” All of that left her in one rushed, frantic ramble. She took in a much needed gulp of air, her car notably picking up speed for a few minutes before she slowed down to the legal limit again.

I understood where that outlook had come from, really, I did. Sooyoung had dealt with so much loss so close to her, all of it in different forms and managing to damage her in all different ways. She had every right to be hesitant to trust, to have an aversion to getting attached, and it explained quite a lot, but... more than _anything_ I felt like I _needed_ to reassure her that I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t going anywhere. She’d need to work pretty damn hard to get rid of me. “I... Sooyoung, I won’t do any of that.”

She scoffed slightly, shaking her head to herself, “Ha, sure.”

Was she really that unconvinced - so that my genuine, sincere statement hadn’t so much as fazed her? I stared at her hard, wishing we weren’t driving so she could look and see the conviction behind my eyes, “I’m serious.”

She still didn’t believe me. She almost looked amused, “Right.” She shrugged her tense shoulders. We were almost back to my place, and my chest was getting tighter and tighter with every turn she took. I was running out of time. It wasn’t like I wanted to rush her though, or even change the topic. It was a big deal she was talking about this, and I wanted to know whatever she was willing to share.

While I endured all this pressure, she said something that I knew she expected to be the last word on the matter, “It’s whatever. All people are good for is sex and wasting time, or both.”

My heart sank. If she was looking, she would’ve seen how quickly my face fell. Was that... really how she viewed people? How she viewed everyone?

How she viewed me?

“....Is that all I’m good for?” My voice was timid and small. I was _so_ scared of the answer.

“What?” I don’t think she’d heard me. Either that, or she pretended not to, because she hadn’t wanted to hear it. God, I didn’t want to repeat myself.

I clenched my still subtly trembling fists tightly in my lap, forcing out the question a second time, “Is that all I’m good for then? Just... that?” Sex and wasting time. That was it. Was that all this was? All we were?

She went quiet, and the anger faded from her face in an instant. I think she snapped out of her heightened state of emotionality and came back to her senses, realizing only then what those words implied for me. “No, Jiwoo, I...”

I didn’t want to hear an excuse or a retraction or even an apology. I wanted an _answer_. “Then what? Why else do you spend time with me?”

The air inside this car was so thick with tension by that point you could’ve cut through it with a knife. She seemed like she was at a loss. Probably because she had to make something up. The tightness in my chest slowly morphed to pain.

“Because...” I gave her a few seconds, but she didn’t finish her thought. Wow. She couldn’t even think of a fake reason just to get me off her back. My optimism tried to fight me. Maybe she was nervous to tell the truth about what she felt?

“Because what?” I asked her, trying hard to be assertive and serious and demanding, but that just wasn’t like me. I thought of my promise to Chae. I had to keep it. For both of our sake’s. I at _least_ deserved to know this. Right? “What am I to you?”

The silence persisted. That awful, suffocating silence, and I highly doubted my ability to ask again. I just couldn’t do it. I could see my street. We were almost there. I hadn’t gotten an answer, but it wasn’t for lack of trying, I guess.

The car suddenly stopped in the middle of the dimly lit suburban street, and Sooyoung pulled over on the side of the road. Huh? I turned to look at her, but she was just staring ahead, gripping the steering wheels with white knuckles.

“Why’d you—“ My nervous, confused question was cut off by her soft lips being pressed roughly against mine.

I couldn't help but whimper needily from the contact, my eyes widening for a few moments but my hands seeming to shoot forward all on their own and tug her closer by her sides. I hadn’t expected this, far from it, but... I’d wanted it. To some extent, I always wanted this. To be close to her, for her to kiss me and _care_ about me. I always wanted that. I hadn’t kissed her in _so_ long, and I’d forgotten just how indescribably intense the extent of emotions I went through were every time she did this. My head started swimming and I felt my skin starting to get flushed with heat. This kiss different from all the others I’d had with her. It was hard, even aggressive. I knew I probably should’ve been less reciprocative, tried to talk to her more, but god, I just... her lips were so _soft._

I heard the sound of a seat belt unbuckling and I opened my eyes for a moment, confused, only to see her moving. Before I could even try to process it, she was sitting on my lap, straddling me, her hands that still slightly shook now cupping my jaw as she deepened the kiss and made me feel like I was melting. Her tongue slinked past my lips and her perfectly manicured nails dug into and scraped against my skin. I reached down, unbuckling my own seatbelt and squirming so it was off my chest, pulling her flush against me by her hips, wanting her _closer._ I already found myself more than breathless. Her knee parted my legs and she pressed herself down against my thigh, gasping slightly from the contact. My fingers curled against her hips, digging into the denim of her jeans. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. It was so loud and fast.

I knew I had to talk to her. I knew that if I just pushed a bit more, I might get something out of her, I might get her to open up and _finally_ give me a straight answer. But... when her lips were on mine and I could feel her grinding against me and her breaths were uneven and her skin was hot, I just... couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Hell, I could barely even breathe.

She kissed me even harder, pressing me against the seat, her teeth snagging against my lower lip. My back arched into her, tightening my grip on her hips, so close to just forgetting everything that I’d come there for and letting her kiss me into absolute thoughtlessness, but I couldn’t. I came to get answers. So I wouldn’t be in the dark anymore. So I knew where we stood. I’d told Chae that I’d be able to say no, that I wouldn’t let things go too far. It was so hard. I... wanted things to go far. I couldn’t help it, I just wanted to. So bad.

It was only when I felt her hands move to the hem of my shirt and start to push it up, off of me, that I broke our kiss and breathed out a quiet, “Wait.”

She froze in an instant, stopping mid-motion and not kissing me again. She just hovered, breathing hard, her skin still burning and her eyes dark. They were clouded with that fire I knew all too well, but as the seconds owre on, it extinguished. Her face fell, “Fuck, what am I doing? I’m sorry.” In the next second she was back in her own seat, her face buried into her hands. I stared at her, still struggling to breathe. She’d apologized. Why? Should she have? Did I want her to? Why did she feel sorry? 

What must’ve been a minute passed that way. She didn’t say anything else, or so much as look at me, just hid her face and sat there. I was at a total loss, my brain still trying to turn itself back on.

Finally, she brushed some other hair away that had fallen in her eyes and gripped the steering wheel again. After taking a deep, long breath, she steadied herself and put her seatbelt back on. Before putting her foot onto the gas again, she actually toward me, more specifically at my own seat belt. Oh. Right. I reached and buckled it, and she started to drive again. My stomach sank when I fully processed the way she’d reinforced seatbelt safety. I wondered if that had anything to do with... her dad. 

My house was less than a minute away. I didn’t say anything and neither did she. What was there to say?

She pulled up out front, not bothering to pull into the driveway that time. When the car slowed to a stop, she unlocked the doors and waited. She thought I’d leave. I thought I would too, honestly, but... I couldn’t leave it like this. I would’ve gotten nothing, not a _single_ answer that I’d come there to get. I learned some things I hadn’t expected to learn, and some things I objectively hadn’t wanted to know, but I didn’t have the one answer I wanted.

I unbuckled my seatbelt again, noticing the way her shoulders relaxed slightly. I hadn’t meant to make her tense, or nervous, that had _never_ been my intention. I wanted her to be honest. Which she had been, just not about what I needed to know.

So I pushed.

“You didn’t answer my--”

“ _Please,_ Jiwoo, I just can’t deal with that stuff right now, ok?” She didn’t even let me finish. She already knew what I was going to ask and she already knew that she wasn’t going to answer. She’d snapped at me, and it had been harsh. I don’t think either of us had expected it. She’d shut her eyes and wouldn’t look at me, reaching up and covering her eyes with her hand. She was shaking.

What “stuff?” Feelings? Emotions?

Me?

She just couldn’t handle it? I wasn’t worth her time?

I scoffed slightly under my breath, “I... didn’t think it was that hard of a question to answer--”

“Don’t.” She was done. I knew she’d had enough, and this just wasn’t up for discussion anymore. She couldn’t have shut down any more clearly.

It wasn’t hard to answer. Really, it wasn’t, if the answer was something I wanted to hear, at least. Her reluctance to tell me was almost an answer in and of itself, if I had the ability to be that honest. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. My goddamn optimism that lingered still, somehow, wouldn’t let me believe that she didn’t care until she told me so herself. I’d hold onto that hope, that tiny, fleeting, probably pathetic hope, until she personally made sure to take it away.

But I stayed quiet. I smiled, bitterly, at nothing in particular. My eyes had started to burn so intensely I had to shut them for a few moments, but all that did was make my vision start to blur from the tears. I didn’t want to cry. That was the last thing I needed. My body started to shake and tremble so hard I was worried I’d vibrate the car and she’d be able to tell. I didn’t want her to know how distraught I was, for some reason. No, I just needed to go.

I opened the car door and stepped outside, but I heard her say one last thing as soon as she heard me leaving, “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

I blinked twice, knowing I hadn’t misheard that. Really? Not only had she remembered the incredibly loose, flippant plans we’d made earlier, but she still wanted to keep them? Even after... all of that? Why? What? I was so confused, so overwhelmed, and I felt my lip starting to quiver.

I resisted an intense urge to clear my throat and just prayed my voice didn’t break, “Yeah. See you.” I shut the door and stood on the sidewalk. My blurred, foggy gaze looked between my house and Chae’s wondering where I should go. My brain seemingly didn’t have the energy to deliberate it, and my feet carried me of their own will straight to Chae’s doorstep. I heard Sooyoung pull off down the street and around the corner and a tear rolled down my cheek that I couldn’t keep back. I muttered a curse under my breath, wiping it away frantically with my sleeve.

The door was unlocked. I quietly opened it and made my way up the stairs. Chae’s sound machine was on, that meant she was asleep, guaranteed. I cautiously pushed her door open that was already ajar, stepping inside and shutting it behind me. Her room was sleepily lit with her various strings of fairy lights, a sight so intensely nostalgic it almost totally broke me down. Chae was in her bed, her hair up in a sloppy bun like it always was when she slept, looking cozy and content. I couldn’t wake her. I knew she’d said to, but I just couldn’t. Instead, I quietly walked to the other side of the room, put on my old comfy clothes, and crawled into bed at her side. She stirred ever so slightly but stayed asleep. I edged my back into her, and without even waking up, her arms instinctively wrapped around my middle, tugging me closer. I just let myself be held, taking long, deep breaths to steady myself. I’m not sure why I was so against crying. Normally I wasn’t, normally I was pro-crying because it was good to get things out. But I’d never been that way with Sooyoung. I hadn’t cried about Sooyoung yet, not really. I just... didn’t want to seem weak and small. Stupid for feeling so invested in all this. Why was I _so_ invested?

My mind flashed back, again, to what Jungeun and Hyunjin had said about me “deserving better.” Was that true...? Who was to say it was? How would you measure that? Maybe we just weren’t a good match. No, no no. I didn’t think that. Not really. I felt _so_ incredibly drawn to her, _so_ impossibly attracted and connected, it... God, I knew it was stupid, but it really felt like what people say love is supposed to feel like.

My heart skipped a beat, so caught off guard by my own thought process I almost sat up in Chae’s bed. Oh. _Oh._ Was that...?

The feeling I felt during graduation came to mind again. That fuzziness, the intensity of those butterflies, the pounding of my heart and that _other_ thing. Was that... was I in love with her?

Shit.

How dumb could I be? Did I really fall in love with someone who couldn’t so much as have feelings brought up in the slightest without shutting down?

Just my luck.

***

On Tuesday I woke up with raw eyes to a text from Sooyoung. I couldn’t help the way my heart fluttered at the sight of it, or the wave of resentment toward myself that washed over me right after.

_♡ sooyoung ♡ : hey so yeah just stop by whenever tomorrow morning. idk if i’ll be awake just knock and i’ll get up lmao <3 _

I checked the time stamp. She’d sent that at 2 AM. I chuckled bitterly to myself. She’d probably been out. Maybe with Dabin and Yebin, getting drunk and doing things I still wouldn’t even let myself think about. God, I was so childish. As if not thinking about them meant that they didn’t happen.

The past few days, I hadn’t texted her. For once, I’d actually been able to restrain the urge. She hadn’t texted me either, but that was to be expected. Chae had woken me up the morning after and demanded a recap of the night before. It was honestly the last thing I wanted to talk about, but I’d promised myself I’d be more open with her, so I was. She empathized with me and basically hadn’t left my side since. In fact, that morning was the first one I’d spent in my own bed since then. I’d practically been living at her house. We talked a lot, about basically everything except Sooyoung. Whenever Chae would politely try to bring up the situation, or show me the checklist, or give me any sort of advice, I’d shut it down. Sometimes I’d just physically leave the room, which I know wasn’t the most mature response, but... I don’t know. I couldn’t even think about it because my chest would start to feel uncomfortably tight again. I’d spent those three days in a strange sort of limbo where Sooyoung was constantly in the back of my mind, and Tuesday was looming in the distance like a terrifying deadline instead of something to look forward to.

This text made me feel... so many things. My mind started going a million miles a minute, buzzing in that Sooyoung-induced way I still hadn’t gotten used to, but one thought, one sentiment stuck out from all of them.

Instead of responding, I went to my contacts and tapped on Chae’s name, holding my phone to my ear. She picked up on the first ring.

“Helloooo? You’re up early, wow look at you!” Her chipper, comfortingly familiar voice helped to snap me a bit out of my lingering grogginess. I glanced at the clock. It was almost noon. I’d been sleeping in a lot lately.

“I can’t do this anymore.” I told her plainly, getting to my feet and starting to slowly pace.

“What? Can’t do what?”

Her question had barely left her before I’d started to answer, “The Sooyoung thing. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t just... live with this, this not knowing. I can’t keep overthinking and questioning all of her nuances and mixed messages and trying to interpret things when she _should_ just be able to _talk_ to me and tell me the _truth_ , and I just... ugh.” I wasn’t entirely certain of where all of that had come from, but it was somewhere deep. I buried my hand into my hair, gripping at my skull just as my head started to throb. This was too much. Too much, all the time.

Chae spoke quickly, “Okay, okay, honey, slow down,” She waited for a quick moment, “Just take a breath.” I did, and I’d needed it. She knew that somehow, without even being there with me, “You’re seeing her today, right? And you’re supposed to bring her to Yerim’s?” She’d toned down the enthusiasm in her tone as soon as she realized it might not be appropriate.

“Yeah... yeah, she just texted me. Said I could stop by whenever. She’s... she’s acting like it’s normal.” I shut my eyes, the headache I was starting to develop only getting worse, “And... if she thinks things are normal, then our ‘normal’ is still me not knowing where we stand, her trying to hook up with me, me not knowing what I mean to her, and I just...” I groaned in frustration again, moving to sit at the foot of my bed, “I can’t take any more of this. God, I’m gonna drive myself _crazy_.” As if I already hadn’t.

“Hey, hey, you’re right. You shouldn’t _have_ to take any more of this. This all comes back to the game plan. Do you want me to come over there and bring the game plan because I-- ow--” I heard her mutter the exclamation and an audible clamor. She probably tripped on something like a big doof. I loved her.

“No. You don’t need to bring it. I remember.” I really did. I thought about it all the time, and wondered if I’d actually be able to carry it out. I’d gotten close last time. In fact, I’d basically asked her, but she’d just shut down. She’d shut down, then kissed me until I couldn’t think. I couldn’t let that happen again. I guess I couldn’t even give her the chance. I took a deep breath, trying to convince myself as well as her. I needed to say this out loud, or I’d probably just make some sort of excuse, or find a way to postpone it until it was too late. “This time I’m really just gonna ask her. What she thinks we are, if we’re actually exclusive, if she wants to become exclusive if we aren’t already, i-if she feels... totally nothing for me.” My heart wrenched from even saying that.

Chae waited for a few moments before speaking again, her voice firm and with the slightest tinge of protectiveness audible in it, “Ask her. First thing.”

That caught me off guard a bit, “First thing? You mean--”

“I mean like literally I want her to open the door and for you to just yell, ‘DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME OR NOT?’” She’d actually felt the need to scream that part for unnecessary emphasis, making me hold the phone slightly away from my ear. When I brought it back I could vaguely hear Minjun yelling at her to be quiet, which she just ignored, “Okay?”

That... seemed extreme. And maybe she was just exaggerating, to be funny and try and help me get rid of some of my stress. But it might actually be the right idea. If I spent time with her, or brought her to Yerim’s to take that next step of introducing her to my friends, it would hurt even more if... she told me something I didn’t want to hear. I had to get the answers sooner rather than later. Even if it hurt.

“Okay...” I muttered under my breath.

She pretended not to have heard me, “Okay??”

I rolled my eyes at her antics, but felt a small smile coming to my face, “Okay!”

That apparently wasn’t enough for her either, because she proceeded to make my ears bleed again by screaming, “OKAY??”

“YES.” I shouted back at her, having a feeling that she wouldn’t accept a response any less intense.

“GOOD.” I could hear her clamoring around again, and I went over to my side window. Sometimes when we were on the phone, she’d go to the end of her upstairs hallway and look out at me. I wondered if she was doing that then, and sure enough, I saw her smiling face pressed up against the glass. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight, and it only made me smile wider when she opened that window and stuck her head out, waving at me as if worried I couldn’t see her.

“I love you!” I told her sweetly, deciding against yelling anymore. I opened my window up a crack too, unsurprised to hear her start shouting as soon as she thought I’d be able to hear her.

“I LOVE YOU TOO DUMBASS, AND IF SHE PULLS ANYTHING, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!” Our old neighbor across the street was mowing the lawn, and he looked over at us with a furrowed, disapproving brow. He’d always hated us, this was nothing new, but Chae smiled broadly at him and made sure to shout, “SORRY!”

I shut my window, gesturing for her to lean back in, which she did. I told her through my phone, “Yeah... Right..!” I didn’t like hearing that. No matter how many times it was said to me, it always left me with a bitter feeling I didn’t want. _Deserve better._ If Sooyoung was so bad for me, then how come I wanted to be with her more than I’d ever wanted anything...? What did that say about me?

Chae’s voice thankfully snapped me from that train of thought, “Is Jungeun coming to get you?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t asked.” I told her, the two of us still staring at each other through the windows.

“My mom’s bringing me to Yerim’s early, we could just swing by and drop you off?” I saw Minjun walk by behind her, ruffling her hair as he passed.

I took another deep breath, “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll just get dressed and be right over.”

She scoffed at me, “So I can expect you over here in like two hours? Gotcha.”

I pouted and she mimicked me, which I didn’t appreciate, “Shut up. I’ll be there in five.” She hung up on me and shot me a finger heart through the window before ducking out of my sight.

I made it over there in what must’ve been around eight minutes. Chae only made one snappy remark about me being later than I’d promised, and then dropped it, making sure to sit in the back with me so she could hold my hand. I obviously didn’t plan on receiving more Sooyoung therapy from Chae while her mom was sitting in the front, so I held polite smalltalk with her instead while Chae gently traced her thumb along the back of my hand. She could probably feel it shaking. The closer we got to Sooyoung’s college, the sooner I realized I’d have to confront her. Demand answers. It felt like I wasn’t ready, but I honestly didn’t think I ever would be, so that wasn’t a good enough excuse.

I got dropped off right near Sooyoung’s dorm. I recognized it. Of course I did. Chae squeezed my hand tight, looked into my eyes and made sure to say, “Remember the Jiwoo Protection Squad. Stage 4 of the game plan. Alright?” I nodded at her. I hadn’t forgotten. I knew they were there, I knew I’d always have my friends, and that they’d be to help no matter what. She let my hand go, and she and her mom drove off. I stood there, alone, for a solid minute.

I should probably let Sooyoung know I was there. I shot her a quick text as I headed into her building. The elevator was empty. Most people had left. I think their school year was almost done, but not quite. Or at least, some people hadn’t gone home yet. The campus seemed weirdly abandoned.

_i’m coming up to your room, be there in a minute_

The elevator stopped, and the doors opened. I just stared at them, at the walls of the hallway. They closed after a few seconds, being automated. Blinking twice, I reached forward and pushed the door button again. They opened. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself into the hall. I had to go. What was I doing?

I shook my head back and forth. I was being immature and stupid. This was only as big of a deal as I was making it. If I acted like it was normal, like she should’ve just been able to answer me, then maybe she would. Maybe putting all this weight on it was the problem? I started walking toward her room. Maybe if I posed the question as more casual, like I didn’t care what she answered, she’d be more honest? I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do that, though, because that was basically lying. And I was never good at lying to Sooyoung.

I was there. I was standing right in front of her door. Why couldn’t I knock? Why was I such a coward? This... wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal. So why was my whole body starting to shake, instead of just my hands. It felt like... everything was leading up to this. Which was so dramatic to think, I know, but I couldn’t help it.

It was only then that her doorknob turned on its own, and the door swinging open in my face almost hit me. I took a step back, expecting and bracing myself to see Sooyoung, but it wasn’t her.

It was someone I’d never seen before. A girl. She was pretty. She looked like she was in a rush, her face flushed and the shoulder of her shirt not quite on all the way. Like she’d hastily put it back on. What...? I stared at her for a second, and she stared back at me, our eyes meeting. She quickly looked away, seeming embarrassed, and rushed off down the hall without another word. I stared after her.

What...?

My gaze flitted in to the room. Sooyoung was there. She didn’t have a shirt on, or pants even. I watched as she scooped a tank-top up from the floor and slipped it over her head. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“Hey!” She greeted me in a chipper voice. There was the slightest trace of a blush on her cheeks. Was she embarrassed? Or had she just not expected to get caught? I just stared. She looked around for some pants, as if she genuinely didn’t know where they’d gone, “So, if it’s okay with you, I have to grab something from the post office and bring it back to my room before we can go.”

My eyes stung. I blinked hard, looking after the girl again. Who was she...? What had she meant to Sooyoung? Anything? Nothing? The same as me? Or less? Or more? Did that even matter? Did any of this even matter? Did _I_ matter?

No. I didn’t. I really didn’t.

“Um... sure...” I still couldn’t say no to her. I was _so_ pathetic.

The girl got into the elevator and left my sight. Why was a deep, intense jealousy burning in my stomach? Why was I jealous? Why was I mad? Why did I hate that girl when I didn’t even know her? I shouldn’t hate her, she hadn’t done anything wrong. I should’ve hated Sooyoung. But I couldn’t hate Sooyoung. I loved her. I loved her, and I was so _stupid._

I’d expected her to _tell_ me she was seeing other people, not for me to walk in on it myself. And... I wasn’t ready for this. I had never been ready for this. It felt like my whole world had crumbled away into nothing. Like I didn’t have anything anymore, like the most important thing was gone and now nothing else mattered. Instead of my chest feeling empty like that night at the bar, it _hurt_ now. Like it was caving in on itself, like... like my heart had just been ripped out and crumpled up and torn to shreds.

Sooyoung nodded, finally finding a pair of denim shorts and slipping them on, “Cool. Just gimme a sec.” She stretched her arms up and behind her head. Like she’d just gotten up. They’d slept in. How nice. I watched her, standing in the hallway, subtly biting my quivering lip. Tears clung to my eyelashes and it took everything in me to swallow them down. I didn’t want her to see me cry. She went to her desk, applying some lipstick and eyeliner quickly and looking at me in the mirror, still awkwardly hovering in the hallway, “You can come in, yaknow.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t move. Couldn’t move. I just stared at her. And stared. And I was still so enthralled, effortlessly. What was _wrong_ with me?

It only took her a minute or so to finish getting ready. Then she came toward me, shut and locked her door, and clasped my hand gently. I flinched from the contact and didn’t return it. She just held onto me loosely, shooting me a warm, genuine smile. I didn’t return it. My whole body was stiff.

“You’re shaking. You okay?” She asked me sweetly as we stepped onto the elevator.

_Why do you care?_ I thought to myself, not looking at her face. I couldn’t look at her.

“Yeah...” I muttered. I couldn’t have possibly been less okay. I’d never, ever felt further from okay in my entire life. Wow, that was the first time I’d really lied to Sooyoung.

We got outside. She held onto me as she pulled me along with her. I don’t even remember how long the walk was. All of my effort was being put into not bursting into uncontrollable tears. I could feel them lingering at the top of my chest, threatening to surface if even the slightest thing set them off. We were in public now. Everyone would see. I didn’t want that.

She got her package. It was some small thing. She let me go to show her ID, and I quickly tucked my hands into my pockets. I... didn’t want her to touch me. For once, for the _first time_ , I didn’t want her to touch me. My stomach hurt. I felt sick, like I had back at the bar with her and her friends. When she turned back to me with one of her usual, dazzling smiles, and reached to grab my hand again, it was gone. Out of her reach. I saw her face fall, but only slightly. I don’t think she got it. How could she not get it? Did she really think that hadn’t hurt me? Did she _really_ think that? I couldn’t believe her.

We headed back to the dorm. I clenched my trembling hands into fists so hard it must’ve left fingernail indents on my palms, but it was the only way I was keeping it together. I lagged a bit behind as we walked back down the hall, taking deep, measured breaths and trying so hard to keep them quiet so she couldn’t hear. She unlocked her door, moving to place the package on her desk. I took a single step inside, too, but being in here again just made my chest feel impossibly hollow.

She sighed happily, explaining to me what was in the package. As if I cared even the slightest bit. It was probably the furthest thing from my mind, “It’s just some makeup I got online.” She spun on her heel, looking at me, “Speaking of... are you wearing that strawberry lipgloss I like so much?”

My heart wrenched. I was. Subconsciously, I’d put it on just for her. And I couldn’t even _fathom_ how _stupid_ and _naive_ I was for doing that.

She stepped closer, smiling coyly at me in that intoxicating Sooyoung-way, and she leaned in. To kiss me. She was going to kiss me. She got closer. And closer. And I could smell her perfume. I shut my eyes.

And I shoved her away.

“ _No._ ” I snapped. I’d never snapped at her. I hated this. I hated the feeling of it, I hated feeling this. My optimism. It was gone. I’d never had it be gone, never all the way. I felt _so_ empty.

She raised an eyebrow, looking genuine confused, “Whoa, Jiwoo, what--” She stepped closer again, but I held up my hand and she froze. My vision blurred with tears. I couldn’t do this. I had to, though. I needed to. But I just wanted her to hold me.

I was yelling, and I couldn’t help it. My voice raised all on its own, from how much I was feeling, how _awful_ I was feeling all at once, but shouting at her like this made my throat burn, “--I’m... not just an object for you to use and throw away and pick back up again whenever you get bored. I’m not. I’m a _person,_ a-and I thought you could treat me like one but apparently that’s too hard for you.”

Sooyoung looked... stunned. That’s the only word I can think to describe it with. Her eyes were wide and her jaw was dropped. She looked at me in a way she never had before. But she wasn’t saying anything. No, she just stared, and I wasn’t done. Part of me had thought I was, but there was more lingering inside me waiting to burst out, things I hadn’t even known had festered somewhere deep down and needed to be let out.

“I’m more than just my body. I am. I don’t think you see that, though, a-and that’s not okay.” It wasn’t okay. I knew it wasn’t. It never had been. But my stupid, _stupid_ optimism had convinced me that wasn’t what this was. It’d convinced me this was more, that we were more, because it wouldn’t have been fair for me to love her this much and have her feel nothing for me. But the world was unfair sometimes. And optimism didn’t always work.

She smiled. A forced smile. Like she was trying to play this off, like it wasn’t a big deal, like I was overreacting unjustly, “We don’t have to do anything but can’t we still-“

I smiled bitterly, blinking fast. Tears clung to my eyelashes by now. There was no way she couldn’t see how glossy my eyes were. Why was she trying to pretend like this was okay? “—be friends? _Without_ benefits? Is that even something you know how to do?” She flinched, that forced smile fading in an instant. Oh. That hurt her. I hadn’t meant to hurt her, I... I didn’t know what I was doing. My face fell too, a wordless apology probably written all over it, “I don’t think I can be your friend, Sooyoung.”

“...Why?” She sounded scared of my answer. Hell, maybe she should’ve been. Maybe this was what she was scared of.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

I just said it. What did it matter? It wasn’t like she’d care. She didn’t care about anything, and she especially didn’t care about me. The tears were leaving me now, streaming down my cheeks. She stared at them oddly. I still couldn’t read the expression on her face. I found myself smiling again, but it was bitter. All of this was bitter, so bitter. She was shocked. Even more so than before. Utterly speechless.

“I know, stupid, huh? I can’t help it. I’m just a fucking idiot who fell for you because I think you’re beautiful and interesting and _amazing_ , but that’s just what you do, right? You lure people in with your flirting and your charms and you make them feel special just so you can do _that_ , and then you cut them off. I should’ve known better, I should’ve seen through it, but I’m just an optimist like that I guess!” I laughed. At what, I don’t even know. The fake smile faded again, leaving nothing in its place except tears, more and more that dripped from my jaw. I’d never hated myself more than I did at that moment. “I’m so _fucking_ dumb.” My voice broke pathetically. She stepped closer, as if on instinct, but I snapped at her again, “ _Don’t.”_ She stopped dead in her tracks.

I let out my first real sob, and it felt like someone had punched me in the face. I needed to go. It was done, I just needed to leave. I took a deep, quaking breath, trying to steady myself just enough to force out my next words, “You don’t care about me. I get it. You don’t. I bet you don’t remember a _single_ fucking thing about me, I mean, why would you? I probably never even cross your mind besides when you want sex, but my friends say I deserve better a-and they’re right. I do.” I stepped away, back into the hall, and she looked after me. She wanted to follow me. I felt like she had something to say, but she wasn’t saying it. And I couldn’t be there anymore. So she’d lost her chance.

“Goodbye, Sooyoung.” She didn’t follow me.

The sobs hurt. I’d cried a lot in my life, from a lot of different things, but this was different. This was so different, it’d never hurt this bad. I hugged myself tightly, the sobs hitting me one after another. My legs felt weak. I almost couldn’t stand up anymore.

I needed help. I needed to talk to someone, to see someone. Anyone. I just needed a hug. That’s when I remembered the game plan.

I pulled out my phone with a violently shaking hand, barely managing to find the group chat made just for this occasion. And I sent the frowny face. Over and over and over. It was such a understatement. I was devastated.

The responses were immediate and in one big jumble. Like they’d just been waiting on standby.

_chae~~~ : jungeun’s coming_

_jungeun!! : i’m coming_

_heekki :3 : what happened? do u want me to call u?_

_yerim ^.^ : i have your fav chips and cookies and i love u so much_

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer, my fingers wouldn’t stop shaking. I staggered outside, incredibly grateful that the campus was so abandoned so nobody would see me like this. A few stragglers might’ve spotted me, but nobody said anything, and I could live with a few stares. I just sat on a bench by the parking lot I knew Jungeun was familiar with, my face buried into my hands.

I had no idea how much time had passed. Eventually, my phone blew up with another series of buzzes, but I couldn’t even check them, my body just being wracked with sobs _relentlessly_. I could barely catch my breath. I vaguely heard the sound of a car pulling up on gravel, and a door being opened and closed. The next thing I knew, there were arms around me. Soft, warm arms. Without even knowing who it was, I buried my face into their shirt, balling up fistfuls of it.

“Shhh, shhh...” Jungeun’s voice cooed softly into my ear. She started to slowly rock me back and forth, kissing the top of my head, her grip on me tight and possessive. “What did she do?” I’d never heard her sound so angry. I just shook my head back and forth. I couldn’t talk about this. Not right then.

She pulled me to my feet and gently guided me to the car. I just hunched over, not once pulling my face from my hands, my tears not letting up in the slightest. It felt like they would never stop. Whenever we’d stop at a stoplight or a sign, she’d reach over and rub a circle against my back, saying something along the lines of “We’re almost at Yerim’s. Everyone’s waiting for you. We love you. _I_ love you. It’ll be okay.” That last sentiment seemed absurd.

She finally pulled up outside of Yerim’s, and as soon as she did, I could hear a storm of footsteps heading straight down her front porch. My side door was thrown open and I was practically tugged into a flurry of arms, everyone trying to hug me at once. It was reminiscent of graduation, and although it was somehow just as heartwarming, I still hurt so bad. I’d always known that an outcome like this would hurt me. I’d just absolutely underestimated how _badly_ this would _hurt._

They pulled me inside and sat me on Yerim’s couch, surrounding me on all sides. When one of the pairs of arms, a particularly strong pair, removed themselves from me, another one followed. I dared to bring my shaking hands away from my eyes to look at everyone. They were all _so_ concerned. Even Yeojin had shut her mouth. I’d almost thought she wasn’t there because she hadn’t uttered a single word. Hyunjin had gotten to her feet, glaring intensely, and Heejin stood at her side, holding her arm.

“Give me _one_ fucking reason I shouldn’t go to that bitch’s dorm and punch that pretty right off her face.” She asked her girlfriend through clenched teeth, and she wasn’t joking. Not in the slightest.

Heejin shook her head, “No, honey, c’mon... Jiwoo needs us _here_.” Hyunjin was fuming.

Chae stood as well, after squeezing me extra tight for good measure, “Hyunjin, we all want to kill her. But now’s not a good time. Besides, Jiwoo told me she doesn’t want any of us to do anything bad to Sooyoung.” I made a note in my head to silently thank her for relaying that message when I was utterly incapable of speaking.

Hyunjin sneered indignantly, “I never agreed to that.”

Chae opened her mouth to protest and insist on my behalf, but Yerim piped up suddenly, “Uhh, Jungeun? Why is Jinsol texting me to ask for my address?” Everyone in the room turned to look at her. Jinsol wasn’t even in the city, she’d gone back home four hours away. Why did she care what Yerim’s address was?

Jungeun raised an eyebrow, “What? I dunno. Ask.” She didn’t seem to want to be distracted and was totally unfazed, even by the mentioning of her girlfriend. No, instead she was utterly focused on clinging tightly to me in a way she never had before. My sobs were so sharp they made it harder and harder to breathe.

Yeojin suddenly leaned closer and placed a quick kiss on the top of my head, something that meant a lot more than it should’ve because she normally avoided any contact like that because of “cooties.” I’d never seen her look so serious.

Yerim gasped quietly and everyone looked at her again. Heejin had wrapped her arms around Hyunjin’s middle, probably literally holding her in place. She still looked absolutely enraged.

“Um... she said Sooyoung was asking for it.” Yerim mumbled quietly, as if afraid.

Whatever remained of my shattered heart sank further into my chest. What...?

“What the hell? Why? Don’t give it to her.” Jungeun asked, that protectiveness in her tone emerging again.

Yerim grimaced slightly, “I uh, already did?”

“ _What_.” Hyunjin shook herself from her girlfriend’s grasp, something I thought I’d never see, and stepped closer to Yerim almost like she was about to punch her. Chae stepped slightly in between the two.

Yerim held up her hands in defense, “Nobody told me _not_ to tell her! Just to ask why she wanted it!”

Jungeun groaned in slight irritation, letting me go and getting to her feet. Yeojin took her place as my hugger, “Well, quick, tell her not to tell Sooyoung! She’ll probably try to come here and pull something.”

Yerim just nodded, her thumbs darting frantically across her screen. I just stared at all of them. My brain felt like it wasn’t working. Even then, all it could think about was Sooyoung. All my feelings were from Sooyoung. Everything was centered on Sooyoung. And now she wasn’t there anymore, and she was probably never going to be again. My stomach was in painful knots.

Yerim sighed loudly, “She said she already gave it to her.”

Hyunjin laughed, “Well good. Let her come. Saves me the trouble of hunting her down.” She cracked her knuckles on both hands.

Chae pouted, glaring, “Hyunjin, _no._ Jiwoo is serious about this.”

Hyunjin was adamant, “So what am I supposed to do if she shows up, huh? Just let her in, offer her a drink? No, she’s getting a _punch_ , or nothing.”

Yerim hopped off the back of her couch where she’d been perched, “Chae, my pantry has a lock, if you wanted to put Hyunjin in there for a minute to cool down.”

Hyunjin blinked twice, as if suspecting she’d misheard that, “Lock me in the--? What?!”

I took a deep breath, and finally tried to speak. My voice was pitifully weak and broke on every other syllable, but I needed to say something. I had everyone’s attention in an instant, “Guys, stop. She won’t come. She has no reason to. She doesn’t care about me.”

Heejin surged closer like a magnet, kneeling down in front of me, “Did she say that? Did she say that to you?” Now it was her turn to sound uncharacteristically mad. It was sort of scary.

“No... when I-I went to go meet up with her, a-a girl was leaving, a-and Sooyoung was half-naked.” I barely finished my last word before another wave of sobs slammed into me like a brick wall.

Hyunjin spun on her heel and started to head toward the door, but Chae grabbed her firmly by the arm. Jungeun was glaring. Yerim frowned bitterly at nothing and Yeojin tightened her grip around my waist.

“I’m gonna kill her.” Hyunjin told Chae as smoke practically came out of her ears, “Like I swear to God, I will actually kill her.”

“No you _won’t_ , she--” Everything everyone was doing was suddenly cut off by the sound of Yerim’s doorbell. All the air got sucked out of the room and we froze.

We were all so stunned, nobody moved an inch until the bell rang a second time. Then it was like everyone was suddenly up and doing something.

I couldn’t help but get to my feet, pulling Yeojin along with me who wouldn’t loosen her grasp in the slightest. Hyunjin pulled hard against Chae, who wasn’t nearly strong enough to hold her back, so Heejin had to chime in and grab her girlfriend by the other arm. Collectively they were able to keep her in place, but not without a struggle. Jungeun stayed put, seeming conflicted. Yerim was the only one who actually managed to take initiative, perhaps feeling some particular compulsion to answer the door because it was her house. She moved toward it, and I felt myself drawn to follow her, but stopped as she turned a corner and just settled on eavesdropping. I... wasn’t sure what I’d do if I saw Sooyoung right now.

The door was opened, and the first thing I heard was Yerim’s voice.

“You shouldn’t be here.” She was stern. There wasn’t a hint of empathy there. Wow. I never thought I’d hear Yerim sound like that.

When I heard Sooyoung’s voice, everything seemed to change in an instant for me.

“Wait-- I-I, is Jiwoo here?” Her question shook and trembled. It sounded so _weak_ , like she almost couldn’t get those words out, and her voice broke. Even after everything, I felt my chest get tight and an almost irresistible urge to hug her just consumed me. But... why was she so upset? Had something happened? Why would she bother coming all the way over here, after I’d told her goodbye? What was there to say to me? Unless...

I felt my optimism creeping back up on me, but I was _so_ scared to feel it again. So I swallowed it down, let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding in, pried Yeojin’s tiny arms off of me, and stepped forward. Into her view.

She was only visible to me through the small crack Yerim had left open in the door, and she hadn’t noticed me yet. Her eyes were red around the rims and her brow was knitted in such intense _turmoil_. It was worse than I’d ever seen it.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Yerim told Sooyoung, the slightest hint of pity evident in her tone this time. Yerim wasn’t made of stone. She could see how upset Sooyoung was, anyone could.

It was only then that her panicked, frantic gaze moved past Yerim’s shoulder, and she spotted me. Our eyes met. She saw me, my tears, my shuddering shoulders and the devastation probably still broadcasted on my face, and for a few moments we just stared at each other. My heart started to beat fast. That’s what it always did whenever she looked at me. I couldn’t help it.

“No, please, wait--” Yerim started to shut the door, but Sooyoung thrust her foot forward in between the crack before it could close all the way. Her foot got caught there and she winced. Yerim flinched and immediately brought the door back and muttering an apology. Sooyoung took her chance as soon as she saw it and pushed her way inside. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“I do remember things about you.” Sooyoung blurted out, her voice raised slightly, as if wanting to make sure I heard every single word.

I froze, taking a slight step back without thinking. She looked hurt from my withdrawal, but kept her distance. Her shoulders were slightly hunched over and her breathing was all messed up. I’d only seen her this disheveled a few times, and no, it never got easier to see.

I wasn’t ready for what she told me next, and there was no way I ever could’ve predicted it, but that was Sooyoung. Unpredictable.

“Your favorite color is peach, you like when it rains, you love zoos and when things smell like strawberries, you don’t drink coffee because it makes you too hyper, you want to have three dogs and four cats someday, you wish Chae was your real sister, you want to be a singer, your voice is _beautiful_ , you care so _deeply_ about people and you’re so selfless and _kind_ \-- _”_ She paused, all of that leaving her on one breath, and needing to take in a big gulp of air before she kept going, “Your birthday is October 20th, and I was gonna get you a belated birthday present, and I went to a store and everything, but the clerk asked me who I was shopping for and I didn’t know what to say besides ‘someone really important to me,’ and then I left without buying anything because I started to cry.” Her voice trembled and finally broke on that last word. She was hanging onto her composure by a mere thread, a single tear already having made its way down her cheek.

“You gave me this necklace,” She reached beneath her collar with a violently trembling hand, tugging on a familiar chain I hadn’t noticed and bringing it into view. She ran her thumb along the pendant affectionately, cradling it like it was precious, “And it was so _beautiful_ and _thoughtful_ , and the next time you saw me you looked to see if I was wearing it, and I saw how sad your eyes got when you didn’t see it there, so I wore it every day after that. Every day.” She stepped closer and I didn’t step away that time, “You _cared_ about me and you stood by me when you had every reason not to, and I took it for granted because I was scared. Jiwoo, I was _so_ scared to feel this again because all it’s ever gotten me was heartbreak and pain and I can’t deal with any more of that. I just can’t. But you didn’t give me that. You gave me support and kindness and appreciation and _love_ and I just stepped on it because I’m a fucking idiot. I’m such an idiot, Jiwoo.” I shook my head so slightly nobody would’ve been able to notice except me.

I watched as more and more tears fell and I expected her to be finished, I expected her to break down, but she had more to say. “I get why you hate me and you have every right, but... the thought of you with anyone else always made me feel fucking _sick,_ and I get why now. It’s because... I love you. I love you _so_ much. And that’s _so_ scary.” I almost couldn’t hear her last words, because her voice dwindled down to nothing and was almost totally consumed by the first sob that hit her.

I was crying too. I couldn’t help it, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was that the girl I loved had started to bawl after being more emotionally vulnerable than I’d ever seen her before. I closed that dreaded space between us in an instant and her arms were around me as soon as I was in reach. We clung to each other like lifelines, her grip so hard it hurt, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care about anything except her, this, and making _damn_ sure she knew one thing.

“I love you too.”


	8. About You (TW)

__****

_**The TW for this chapter is separated by ----------** _

**_Sooyoung’s POV_ **

_“Ha Sooyoung.” My principal’s voice snapped me out of the daze I’d fallen into from his dull speech. I knew I should’ve been paying attention, this was significant and symbolic and all that, but I didn’t care._

_It was childish for me to still be bitter about dad not coming, but... I dunno, I sort of also felt justified in being bitter. This was such an important day. I didn’t ask him for much. Couldn’t he just get the day off? Not even the day, even just a few hours? Was I not worth the effort or something?_

  
_I scolded myself internally, blinking hard and getting to my feet. While I walked to get that damned diploma and finally be done with this godforsaken place, I looked out at the crowd. Mom should’ve been in the first few rows, where there were seats reserved for the parents. I’d even gotten a seat reserved for my dad, just to be petty. Maybe it wasn’t petty, maybe I was just hoping he’d show up after all. That he’d surprise me, despite what he said. Mom wasn’t there, though. Huh? I’d seen her earlier, where had she gone?_

_I almost stopped walking, faltering slightly mid-stride from my confusion, but everyone was staring at me, so I kept going. I took the diploma, shook the hand, smiled for the picture, the whole thing. Just as I was heading back to my seat, I spotted mom. She was standing in the back, near the exit, staring at me, but she didn’t look proud. She didn’t look happy, even, just... I’d never seen her like that. My stomach dropped. What was going on...?_

_There were only a few kids after me, but my eyes were fixed on my mom. I tried to discreetly mouth things to her, ask her questions, figure out why she looked so... off. She just kept shaking her head. My chest was tight._

_Finally, it was done. As soon as my principal said we could, I was off that stage, rushing toward her. When I was in reach, she tugged pulled me into the hallway and off to the side - out of the stream of happy families all leaving with their beaming kids._

_“What? What is it?” I asked her, my worried tone just making her even more distraught. I didn’t get why she looked so upset, “Where’s dad?”_

_She flinched at the question, shaking her head again and finally forcing words to leave her, “Honey.... not here.” She clasped my hand with her trembling one, trying to merge with the crowd again, trying to get me to leave._

_I shook myself from her grasp. What was going on? She was being so weird, “No. Where’s dad?” She flinched again. Why? Why was that question so jarring to her...? He was at work, right? That’s where he’d said he be, even though part of me expected him to be here regardless of what he’d told me._

_Her eyes were getting glossy, “Sooyoung-ah...”_

_The tightness in my chest only got worse. Something was wrong. It was getting hard to breathe, “Where is he?” She shook her head. Was that all she could do? I just wanted an answer. I_ needed _an answer. “What? Did something happen?” The more questions I asked, the more shaky and uncertain they were. At first I’d been demanding and firm, but now everything was small. It was hard to even talk now. She wouldn’t talk. She wouldn’t say a single word. My whole body was starting to shake, legs feeling unstable, “Mom? Did something happen?” My voice was raising against my will, I couldn’t control it. The passing crowd shot the two of us a few looks. I felt their prying gazes like barbs against my skin._

_She wouldn’t answer me. Even still. That on its own was an answer to my question. Something had happened. Something bad._

_“What happened?” I asked, my voice still louder than it needed to be. My throat felt like it was closing up. I clutched my diploma so tightly it was probably getting wrinkled and bent._

_She sniffled slightly, wiping at the corner of her eye. I didn’t want her to cry. Why was she crying? “Honey, we should talk about this somewhere else...” She tried to make her words quiet and discreet, seeming more concerned with all the people around than I was._

_“I-Is he okay?” My voice broke but I didn’t care,_ couldn’t _care. My mind and heart were both racing._ Please. Please have him be okay. _A few of the passersby were stopping in their tracks to stare. My breath was getting caught in my throat._

_She just shook her head slightly again, refusing to meet my eyes now. She reached for my hand one last time, trying to pull me away, wanting more privacy, “Come on,” I wrenched myself from her grasp. I needed to know. I didn’t care who was looking. “Sooyoung, please, you don’t want to hear this here.”_

_“He’s not okay?” I blinked hard, tears I hadn’t noticed starting to creep into my vision. She just stared at me. My whole body was shaking so hard I was worried I’d fall over. “Mommy, what happened?” I hadn’t called her that for years and years. But.. I just wanted her to tell me things were okay. That we were okay. I wanted her to hug me and tell me dad was on his way, I wanted him to barge through the door with flowers like these other kids’ dads had. But my stomach had this awful sinking feeling. The tears started to leave me, trailing down my cheeks, “Please tell me he’s okay.”_

_She kept shaking her head. Over and over and over. He wasn’t okay, but... we could go see him, right? At a hospital or something, he’d just... hurt himself or something at work, like the big ox he was. Right? He was always so clumsy and shortsighted, maybe he tripped down the stairs. Right? Please...?_

_“He’s...” She wouldn’t finish her sentence. But something changed behind her eyes, and I knew._

_“No,” My voice was still raised. I felt my lip quiver. It wasn’t true. It just wasn’t. “No, no no, what...? No, he’s... he’s fine, he’s fine, mom, please, dad’s fine, he has to be, I--” She was still shaking her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. A part of the crowd stopped still, all turning to stare. This wasn’t real. “No, no no no no no no_ ** _no_** ,” _I couldn’t say anything else, that simple denial the only thing that would leave me as my legs gave out._

_Mom followed me down and I grabbed onto her, clinging with white knuckles as sobs started to slam into me like piles of bricks, “Please. No.”_

I shot upward, jolted out of my dream in a sudden burst. Tears stung my eyes and ghosted gently down my cheeks, and I reached up to wipe them away with trembling hands. Fuck. Again. That fucking dream _again_. That was the second time that week. My chest started to subtly ache, my heart still beating fast just like it had back then.

I checked the clock. It was three in the morning. I buried my face into my hands, rocking myself back and forth and willing myself to sleep, but I couldn’t. I never did after that dream, that _nightmare_. Sometimes I’d just have to stay awake until the morning, alone, with nothing but my thoughts. I was too scared to fall back asleep because I was terrified the nightmare would just pick up where it left off, and I didn’t want to relive it. The worst moment of my life. My whole body was trembling and I couldn’t steady myself.

Normally I dealt with this alone. I dealt with most things alone, that was what I’d always done. I... wasn’t used to it - reaching out. But... that was what most people did. That was... sort of what you were _supposed_ to do, I was just scared. Scared to ask for help, scared to confess I _needed_ help, but I was working past it. Really, I was trying.

I was trying for Jiwoo as much as I was trying for myself.

I checked my phone. I knew it was late. I’d try once. Just once.

It rang once. Twice. My hand shook _so_ hard, I was so uncertain of this. Was this rude? Unheard of? What if I woke her up? I didn’t want to. She needed sleep. She’d worked that day, a full shift, and she had another one the next day. Just when I’d second-guessed myself enough to hang up, she answered.

Her voice was adorably slurred and muffled, as if she was speaking with her face still pressed against her pillow, “...helloooo?” My heart fluttered, and I couldn’t help but smile. God, how did she do that? Make me smile when I was still on the verge of breaking down in uncontrollable sobs?

I blinked hard, doing my best to keep my voice as steady as I could, “Hey...” I felt my throat tighten, swallowing down a sob. I didn’t want to do this. I could get it together, I knew I could. The absolute last thing I wanted was for poor, sleepy Jiwoo to start worrying about me.

“Why’re you up so late...? Are you okay?” I heard the vaguest sound of sheets shifting. She probably sat up. I gently shut my eyes, picturing her clutching one of the big plushies I’d bought her with a sloppy bedhead. My smile widened a bit just at the thought. I wished she was there, so I could hold her.

I wasn’t okay. Really I wasn’t. But again, I didn’t want her to worry. “I’m fine. I was just wondering if we could do something tomorrow? I’d love to see you.” _I need to see you._ I thought to myself, my lips parted, as if to say it, but I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to pressure her, if she was busy. I didn’t want to be a burden. But more than anything I... needed to hug her. To see her smile, to play with her hair, to hear her laugh and just... be near her.

She answered me in an instant, “Yeah, sure, um, I work until four, would you be free after that?” She said that as if I didn’t know already. As if I hadn’t already memorized her work schedule to a T, planned my own photoshoots around it, did my best to spend every free second I had with her.

I just smiled, turning back on my charming, typical Sooyoung-tone, “For you? Of course.”

I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was smiling, maybe even blushing. I made her blush so easily. It was so endearing. That was all I ever wanted to do - make her feel happy and loved and appreciated, because she _was_. Regardless, she knew this behavior was odd. Why would I have called her so late - woken her up, unless it was a damn good reason? “Ah... are you sure you’re alright?”

_Please don’t worry._ I thought but didn’t say. I had to give her some sort of explanation, or she wouldn’t leave this alone. “Just... had a bad dream. It’s nothing.”

“Aww, baby...” My heart skipped a beat. She’d only just recently started to call me that, and every time she did my chest filled with butterflies. I just smiled, looking over at my desk. At the picture of us. “Do you want me to come over?”

_Yes_. I mouthed that, the plea desperate and internal. But I knew she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t come over. Of course she shouldn’t. But when _didn’t_ I want to be around her? I wiped away a stray tear that made its way down my cheek, holding the phone slightly away so she wouldn’t hear when I sniffled.

“No, go back to bed. I will too. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I bunched up a handful of sheets into my fist, still shaking hard. Talking had her had definitely helped. I felt a bit more steady, and knowing I’d get to see her made me feel... a bit less empty. Like I had something to look forward to in the morning. My mind was still clouded with those dreadful thoughts, those memories I tried so hard to forget. They weren’t going anywhere. At least not for a solid few hours.

“Okayyyy.” I loved when she was drowsy. She’d get all delirious and she’d drift in and out of sleep, babbling adorable nonsense. I loved her. I loved her so much, I could feel it in my chest, in the air whenever she was around. Even then, when she wasn’t with me, when she was just on the phone, the air felt lighter. It got that fuzzy, Jiwoo feeling to it. “I’m _reaaaaally_ sleepy. Soooo... if you’re okay, I’m gonna hang up alright?”

I took a deep breath, “I’m okay. Goodnight.” I waited for her to hang up, but she didn’t. I just heard the sound of her rhythmic breathing, evened out, relaxed. For what must’ve been a minute, I just listened to it. It was so impossibly comforting. But I should probably end the call. I just sighed happily, “I love you, Jiwoo.” She didn’t hear me. Of course she hadn’t. I hung my phone up and set it down on my nightstand, but froze.

I shouldn’t have. I knew I shouldn’t have. So why did my hand reach down as if on instinct, tug the top drawer open, and pull that damned picture out? Why did I stare at it, at his face, at his big smile and his bright eyes? Why did I clutch it against my chest, trying its best to keep the rest of the tears down as I rocked myself back and forth? It’d be easier if I hadn’t looked. Easier to forget, to put it out of my head and try to go back to sleep. Now that I’d looked at it, at _him_ , it just made it even worse. 

But it wasn’t like I could let him go. It wasn’t like I’d ever lose this picture, or even put it away in an album. I needed it near me. I needed to look at it sometimes, to remember happier times. It was all I had, really, and it needed to be enough. But damn it, did it _not_ feel like enough sometimes.

***

I slept a little, eventually. Maybe an hour. That was honestly more than I usually got after having that nightmare, and I’d made it through the day on less. Regardless, my movements were weighted and slow as I dragged myself out of bed that day, getting ready to go. I had an appointment. The same weekly one. I’d gone four times now, but it was still hard to will myself to. I’d made a promise, though, and my days of breaking promises were behind me.

It helped more than I ever thought it would - the therapy. If anyone had told me, even just a few months before, that I’d be going to therapy on a weekly basis, I would’ve laughed in their face. I’d always thought therapists were lunatics who made money off other people’s problems. That was just immature. That was old Sooyoung, projecting, dismissing things that seemed too hard to deal with because I didn’t want to struggle any more than I already was. But sometimes you had to struggle, sometimes you had to make things harder for a little bit so they could get better afterward. That’s what Jiwoo had told me, when she’d helped me look for therapists one day. She’d held my hand, and told me that, and I knew she wasn’t lying. I knew she was as serious as she could be, and all she wanted was for me to get better. She wanted my life to be better, despite already making it that way just by being in it.

I headed down my stairs, making my usual, automatic beeline to the front door. I barely noticed Mom sitting at the counter in the kitchen, eating some toast.

“Bye mom.” I called out to her flippantly as I passed.

“Oh!” She quickly swallowed down a bite of her toast, wiping a crumb from her lip, “Bye sweetie, where are you going?”

“Out.” I reached the door and clasped the handle, glancing at her. She just nodded at the brevity of my response. I turned the handle, even tugged the door open a crack, but I stopped still. 

I was doing what I always did. Being distant, not giving any information, like my life was a secret. It wasn’t. She should know. I should talk to her. I was resorting to old habits, and all my old habits were what got me in the spot I was in then. Needing therapy, having to meticulously pick up the pieces and fix all of my mistakes. I didn’t want to be in this position anymore. I wanted to be better. I should be better. My mom deserved that, at the very least.

I shut the door and turned back around. Mom froze, her toast hovering in mid-air, looking up at me in confusion. “I have therapy and then I’m going on a date with Jiwoo.” I walked slowly toward her, slinging my bag off my shoulder and letting it dangle in my hand. “I think I’m gonna take her to the zoo, but I wanted to buy her some flowers first, just as a surprise for when she gets out of work. That’ll make her happy.”

I watched as Mom’s face lit up, so intensely bright. It’d been a long time since I’d seen her happy like that. Too long. Her eyes would sparkle a little bit. It made me so indescribably nostalgic. I reached the counter,clenching my fists tightly beneath it. This was hard, too. It shouldn’t be. All I’d done was told my mom about my plans for the day, but even that was hard for me.

She seemed surprised. My explanation had probably been the absolute last thing she’d expected. “That’s awfully sweet of you! I’m pretty sure anything you do will make that girl happy. She’s a ball of pure sunshine.” That was true. That was so true. Mom had really taken a liking to Jiwoo, which wasn’t surprising. As if anyone _couldn’t_ like Jiwoo.

I found myself smiling at the mention of her, “She really is. I got lucky.” What a fucking understatement that was.

Mom just looked at me, a fondness and warmth behind her eyes that made me feel loved. Supported. She took another timid bite of her toast, barely even a nibble, really. I looked at her hard. This was fake. She wanted to ask me something, and I knew what it was, but she was scared to. I just waited. She took a sip of her coffee. Then pretended like she’d just suddenly come up with the question, and it hadn’t been the first thing that came to mind. “How has therapy been going?”

She asked that so cautiously. When I looked more closely at her, I saw that she was hardly even expecting an answer. My face fell. Her expectations for my communication with her were so low. It made my chest feel hollow, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. She tried. She’d always tried to get me to talk, about what had happened with Cheonsoo or about Dad, and I’d just shut down. I’d never wanted to talk. Talking about it made everything seem too real, too hard to deal with, too present. I couldn’t forget it when it was brought up so directly, couldn’t suppress and ignore it anymore. But it wasn’t good to avoid it. My therapist said so, and Jiwoo had even told me that one night while she’d played with my hair and painted my nails. Everyone sounded so cautious when they told me that, like they were afraid they’d strike a nerve. Hell, everyone always seemed so damn cautious around me, and they didn’t need to be. It wasn’t their fault they felt that way, though. It was my fault for being so closed off. But I wanted to change. I needed to change.

I took a deep breath. More hard things. More struggling. My fists clenched tighter out of her sight, and I couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “It’s... good, actually. It’s helping more than I thought it would.”

She smiled sweetly at me, one of her dimples showing. “Remind me to buy Jiwoo some flowers, too. I owe her for actually getting you to go to therapy.” She finished off what was left of her toast, standing up to put the dish in the sink.

Mom had tried to get me to go. Right after Dad died, she’d made me an appointment and dropped me off at the office, but I refused to go in. Instead, I walked into town and sat at a park for forty-five minutes before walking back for her to pick me up. That had gone on for weeks before the therapist actually called, complaining about my absence. That’d been one of many of our fights that happened back then. I hated it when we fought. My blood would always boil, and I’d see red, but afterwards I felt so impossibly hollow. I’d always regret it, but I’d never said so.

I had so much to apologize for. Sometimes I’d think about it for too long and it would weigh down on my shoulders. It was overwhelming. Every now and then the weight of it all got so heavy it was hard to breathe, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I was trying to make things okay. I hadn’t tried before. I’d just let all my mistakes and wrongdoings pile up more and more until they scared me too much to even address that they _were_ mistakes, that they’d been _my_ fault and that I was supposed to own up to them.

What I was about to do was... quite the step for me. I’d gotten better at admitting mistakes, really, I had. To my therapist. But not so much to the people my fuck-ups had directly affected. Not to Mom. I met her eyes, making my tone as genuine and serious as I could. I didn’t want there to be even the slightest assumption that I was being sarcastic, that I didn’t mean it, because I did. “I should’ve gone a long time ago.”

Mom blinked twice, stunned. She hadn’t expected that. It sounded simple, like a passing comment, and if this conversation had been any less significant than it already was, she might not’ve gotten the deeper meaning there. But she did. She knew I was admitting I was childish back then. Immature. That I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, so I just didn’t. That I was going to therapy, that I was trying to get better at this. Better at talking to her about things that mattered, better at communicating. Like I used to be.

After a few seconds, she just nodded again. I knew she had to get to work, but she was hesitating. Instead of tucking her laptop into its bag and heading out like normal, she waited. To talk to me. “Well... better late than never.” The snark was contrived. I gave a slight smile, the best one I could manage. “I’m proud of you, sweetie.”

My heart fluttered. I... it wasn’t like I hadn’t known that. It wasn’t like I thought she _wasn’t_ proud of me, but... hearing her say it? With such intense sentiment and meaning behind her voice? I almost felt myself tearing up. I just chuckled slightly, blinking those tears away. 

There was something else. Something I hadn’t mentioned. If... if I was going to be open and honest with her, which I planned, I... maybe I should mention it. But I was cautious with this for another eason. An entirely different reason.

We’d never talked about this. Again, she’d tried, but I’d never let her. I’d always shut it down before she even really had the chance to bring it up. Maybe it was time. Maybe now, when we were already dealing with milestones. My whole body tensed up. It was hard, which probably meant I should do it.

“I... was thinking about going to Dad’s grave today.”

Her jaw dropped slightly before she could subdue the reaction. She hadn’t expected that. Not in the slightest. She cleared her throat subtly. I think she could tell how hard it was for me to force that out, and she didn’t want to push. So instead, she asked something else. Something a bit less related. “With Jiwoo?”

I hadn’t thought about it, honestly. Would it be weird to bring her? Would it be pushing it? I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. And how honest was too honest? How real was too real? She’d _heard_ about dad dying, but... to see it? The harsh, bitter truth of it? That was a lot. Not everyone would want to deal with that.

“I... maybe. I’m... trying to be more open with her.” That was only partially true. I sniffled slightly, not liking how much my eyes had started to burn, and added on something else. “With... everybody.” _Including you_. I thought.

“That’s good.” She reached across the counter, extending her hand to me, and I brought one of mine up to clasp hers. She felt how hard I was shaking, and she brushed her thumb along the back of it. “This is _good_ , Sooyoung. _All_ of this.”

My vision was starting to blur, no matter how hard I tried to blink and clear it up, “Yeah. I know it’s good, but... it’s hard, Mom.” I could barely manage to whisper that last part. My voice shook just as much as my body had started to.

She nodded, understanding me, squeezing my hand reassuringly, “I know it’s hard, but hard work always pays off. I promise you. This is for the best. This is change.” The first tear rolled down my cheek and she reached up, brushing it away. The contact almost broke me completely. “You’ve never been the best with change, even when you were a little girl. I understand why - change is almost always scary, but just because it’s scary doesn’t mean it’s bad. This, for example, is _good_ change. The bigger the change, the harder it is to adjust, but you can do it. I know you can. And I have a feeling you won’t give up on this.”

The tears only got worse. More intense. Harder to keep back, but somehow, I managed. Probably from all the practice I’d gotten. I reached up with my other hand, clasping hers as tightly as I could. “I won’t. I won’t this time, I... I’ve ignored all this for too long. It just made things worse.” So, _so_ much worse.

She edged around the counter to be closer to me, “The fact that you can recognize that is a step all on its own, honey. You’ve already come so far.” Objectively, that was true. I mean, there was no way in hell I’d be even remotely bringing this up a few months ago, and now I’d done so willingly, without any sort of real prompting. That was progress. Even if it felt like I was in a rut, it was still progress.

But it was so _hard_. Every second of it, and Mom was there. She was there to listen this time. “It feels like there’s so much left to go... i’ve screwed up so many different times, with so many different people, with _you_ , and--”

“--don’t. You didn’t ‘screw up’ with me.” Her words were firm.

I shook my head, sniffling. My chest was tightening. “I did. I was shitty to you and you did nothing wrong.” That made it seem simpler than it was, but I just didn’t have it in me to go into any more depth, and she knew the rest. She’d been there.

“Don’t swear.” She scolded me playfully. As if that’d ever worked.

“Sorry...”

“And you weren’t shitty. We were both dealing with... what happened to your father, and we reacted differently. That’s all.” She was being so rational. It was hard not to take what she said to heart.

But I wasn’t without fault. She was being too generous. She’d always been too generous and lenient with me. A normal parent would’ve grounded my ass in a heartbeat for some of the things I’d said to her when I’d been blinded by misguided rage and frustration. She’d just stared at me, disappointed. “I reacted shitty.”

“No.” She stepped to be right in front of me, looking into my eyes. “You reacted how you needed to react. Please, stop being so hard on yourself. It won’t help anything now.”

I stared deeply at her. If she knew the full extent of what I went through, she’d feel awful. If she knew that for months, I/d thought she hated me, because I truly believed it was _my_ fault Dad died, and I thought she felt the same way, she’d be heartbroken. Now? After almost a month of therapy sessions? I was coming closer to believing when people told me that no, it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t have known. Maybe that was true. If so, then I’d distanced myself from Mom at a time when she needed me more than ever. Either way, how I’d acted could only be described as shitty. Nothing else. But I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was try and be better now.

I needed to go. I was gonna be late. But before I left, I had to hug her. I pulled her close, wrapping her in my arms and squeezing. Tight. She held me, rubbing circles along my back, and tears threatened to burst straight out of me. I pulled back fast. If I held on any longer, I’d lose it, and I had to be somewhere.

“I-I’ve really gotta run. I love you.” I slung my bag back onto my shoulder, taking a step back and moving back to the door. I wiped beneath my eyes, making sure my makeup hadn’t gotten smudged.

“I love you too.” She had to go, too, but she stayed put. Instead, she spoke softly, as if not even sure if she wanted me to hear her comment or not, “If you do wind up going to his grave, tell Dad I said hello.”

“I will.”

***

I stood outside the Roost, bouquet in hand, still fighting with that strange constriction my chest always got after a therapy session. I felt emotionally exhausted. I just wasn’t used to talking, especially not for that long. It tended to drain me. Thankfully, Jiwoo’s shift was over in two minutes. I knew as soon as I saw her bright smile, everything would be okay again.

I bounced up and down on my heels, second-guessing the flowers I’d gotten. It was just on a whim. Maybe she wouldn’t want them? Maybe this was excessive - what if she didn’t have a place to put them? Maybe she didn’t like flowers...?   
  


_No, shut up, Sooyoung. It’s Jiwoo. Of course she likes flowers, are you joking?_ I did my very best to rationalize. This was out of my element too. Being... sentimental, like this, so unabashedly. After Cheonsoo, I’d never let myself. I hadn’t seen the point. That was years ago, so I was a bit rusty. For Jiwoo, though? I’d learn.

The bell jingled, and I flinched, startled out of my train of thought. Jiwoo came outside, wearing an unbearably adorable floral sundress. She looked at me with those bright, sparkling eyes, her gaze flitting between my timid smile and the bundle of flowers I still held in my fist.

“I’m... trying to do the whole, yaknow, emotional thing...?” I told her dumbly. She just stared, beaming that intoxicating smile I’d fallen so in love with. “I know you liked lavender, u-um, you said that once, so I got it, and um, i-if you want, we could go the zoo? Over by--”

She cut me off with a firm, lingering kiss, still smiling all the way. I felt myself practically melting from the contact, my body starting to tremble. I reached with my free hand, resting it on the soft skin of her defined jaw. I could kiss her forever. If she’d just let me, I would.

She broke away first, her eyes still closed, like she was in a dream. “You’re so precious. I like this side of you.” She chuckled softly, reaching to rest her dainty hands on my sides, “I’m glad it’s showing up more.”

I rested my forehead against hers, not caring that we were in the middle of the street. I’d show her off all day, every day, as long as she’d let me. My face had lit with a blush. I could feel how warm I’d gotten. Once she opened her eyes again and saw, she couldn’t help but grin even wider, seeming pleased with herself. She reached up and poked at one of my cheeks with her finger, and I playfully brushed it away.

“U-um... sorry, what?” I’d barely processed what she’d said. “I kinda forgot how to think for a sec.” When she was so close, when I could really just stare and see how beautiful she was, it was breathtaking, honestly. My brain felt all fizzled out.

She just shook her head at me, “The zoo sounds lovely, but I’m actually sorta hungry...” She reached, taking the bouquet into her hands. Her finger absentmindedly twirled around the thin, peach ribbon I’d tied around the stems. I knew the color of it wouldn’t be lost on her.

“Picnic?” I asked gently, already knowing the answer.

I’d barely even had a chance to ask the question before she’d literally jumped, “Oh!! Yes!! Please!! Oh my god! Picnic! It’s so nice outside, do you feel this breeze? God I love summer! I don’t even have to go to school tomorrow!” She rambled on, still bouncing ever so slightly. She clung to my arm.

We got food from a place Jiwoo liked down the street (on me, I insisted), and I drove her to the same park we’d had our second date. I remembered our second date. I’d told her a spot to meet without much thinking, and almost froze up when I spotted the carving on the tree we sat beneath. I’d forgotten. That was Cheonsoo and I’s spot. But why should she get to ruin that, too? It was a nice spot. A beautiful spot. Cheonsoo didn’t _get_ to ruin it. She just didn’t. Maybe Jiwoo and I could turn it into our spot instead.

I had a blanket in my trunk, thankfully, and we set it down beneath that same tree. Jiwoo sat with me there, and for a while, we talked about nothing. Nothing important, I mean - just the simplest of things. She told me stories of a difficult customer, and the good news that a puppy had come in. She told me Yerim had asked how I was doing, which I thought was sweet. The next big step was actually incorporating myself into Jiwoo’s friend group. I... hadn’t made the best first impression. So that was just another thing looming over me.

During a brief moment of silence, she reached to clasp my hand, brushing her thumb along it. She looked at me in that... _way_ she did, like I was the only one in the world. And it made me feel... special.

I stared at her eyes, getting lost in how _gorgeous_ they were, “So, what are you doing next year? Like... what’re your school plans...?” I trailed off, something clicking in my head, “God I can’t believe I haven’t asked you this already.” Just another thing to add to my list of fuck-ups.

She didn’t miss a beat, as if it was normal. It wasn’t normal. I should just... know that. It wasn’t like she’d told me and I’d forgotten, it was that I’d never asked, but that didn’t make it ok. She acted like it was, though, so I decided to beat myself up for it later. “It’s ok, I haven’t really brought it up. I’m gonna take a gap year, and take some singing classes on and off, then I’ll probably apply for college to be a music major.” She traced her delicate, slender fingers along the patterns of the blanket, and I followed their path with my eyes. It was relaxing to watch, “My parents aren’t pressuring me, and they said I should go at my own pace, and I think I just want to work and save some of my own money up so I’m not in too crazy debt before school kicks in, yaknow?”

I nodded along with her explanation, clinging to her every word. I’d be content to listen to her talk forever, honestly, which was lucky because she sure did a lot of talking. “That’s smart. Um, do you have any idea where you want to go to school?”

She shrugged, “No, I haven’t really looked into it yet.”

I frowned slightly, before asking the real reason why I’d brought this up in the first place. “Are... do you want to go far?” My hand had started to shake. She would’ve been able to feel it, and sure enough, her grip tightened. I’d been thinking about it lately - of Jiwoo going far for school. I’d talked to her friend, Jungeun, recently, who was dating Jinsol. Jinsol was four hours away, having gone home for the summer. It was rough for both of them, and the more I listened to both sides, the less I was sure if I’d be able to be in their positions. I felt... _so_ attached to Jiwoo. It... it was kind of frightening, honestly. So if I lost her, if she went away, even just a few hours from me, I... wouldn’t know what to do.

She raised an eyebrow coyly at me, “Oh? You’ll _miss_ me, huh?” She reached over, pushing gently on my shoulder. She was trying to tease, but I was serious. She knew that, deep down.

I didn’t hesitate. Not even for a second. “Of course I’ll miss you. I love you.”

Her cheeks got rosy and our eye contact faltered on her end. “I love you too...” She was shy saying that. God she was so unbearably sweet when she was shy. “Um... I... I don’t think I’ll go too far, no.” The tightness in my chest alleviated ever so slightly. “I’ve never really wanted to go far. I like it here. I don’t want to leave Chae, or my parents, or...” Our eyes met again, and there was _so_ much behind hers. Now it was my turn to blush again.

I was getting distracted, though. I’d planned this little date on a whim, but at my earlier appointment, my therapist had suggested something smart. I’d promised her I’d follow through, and I didn’t plan on lying. Despite wanting to be consistent, I was _so_ nervous. I... what I was about to do opened a lot of doors that I wouldn’t be able to close. I couldn’t just deflect, or retract, or deny. I had to be honest. Probably more open than I’d ever been in my life.

“Hey, um... listen.” I shifted the way I sat. She did too, taking note of the change in my tone, “My... my therapist said I should do this. And I think she was right, so... you can ask me anything you want, and I’ll answer. One hundred percent honestly. No strings attached, no hiding, no more secrets or lying or dodging it. Okay?” She looked surprised. I would’ve been too, if I’d been in her shoes. The implications this held were massive. I basically was telling her that everything was on the table. Nothing was off limits. “I want to be honest with you. You deserve that.”

She nodded, and for a moment, I wondered how long it’d take her to come up with a question. Jiwoo was indecisive sometimes, and overly cautious. But all of those worries had been misguided, because in what was only a second or two, she’d asked what must’ve been the first thing to come to mind.

“That... night you spent, with Kahei. Did that mean any--”

She didn’t need to finish that, so I didn’t let her. “--No. Nothing. It meant absolutely nothing, Jiwoo, I promise you.” She’d met Kahei. I’d introduced them. Kahei was my friend, and Jiwoo was bound to bump into her at some point, so one day - with what I realize in hindsight was probably not enough prefacing - I’d simply introduced them. Jiwoo was rattled. We didn’t talk about it. The greeting was fleeting and minimal, and I could’ve done it way more gracefully, but it was all sort of rushed. Kahei had to go home for break.

I just... I knew seeing Kahei leave my room that day had really hurt Jiwoo. I knew that, and it was awful to know that, but it was true. I took a deep breath, realizing I should probably explain myself some more, “I was drunk, and she was sort of tipsy too, and she had been sad that night and I... I guess I didn’t know how to comfort people besides...” That wasn’t an excuse. I knew it wasn’t, but it sounded like one, and I hated myself for it.

She nodded, pursing her lips. I knew she was trying to be reasonable. Probably more reasonable than part of her wanted to be - more reasonable than she _had_ to be. “That makes sense.”

My grip on her hand tightened when hers started to loosen. “I... I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. That was the only thing I could think of. She didn’t respond. She just stared down at our interlocked hands with a newfound interest. I scooted closer to her on the blanket, “I never wanted you to see that. Never. I-I’m not trying to make an excuse. It wasn’t okay, and knowing that it hurt you just... fucking _kills_ me.” My eyes started to burn and my voice trembled. I wasn’t lying. I was being absolutely honest. I had never hated myself or my stupid, thoughtless behaviors more than that morning Jiwoo saw Kahei leave my room. Never in my life. I didn’t think I’d ever fully rid myself of that guilt, and it served me right, honestly.

Jiwoo shrugged, the indifference implied by the gesture not quite genuine. “It’s... it’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

She shut her eyes for a moment. “Yeah, I guess it’s not.” That was an understatement too.

I squeezed her hands, and she met my eyes for the briefest of moments. “Please don’t tell me shitty things I’ve done are fine. I don’t want you to feel like you need to do that.” She was nice. The nicest person I’ve ever met, but she didn’t have to be that way with me all the time. Sometimes I really didn’t deserve it, and this was one of those times. Her niceness shouldn’t have been entirely unconditional. 

She stared at me again, our gazes meeting. “I... I don’t want to be mad at you.” The sentiment behind that was so incredibly pure. I shouldn’t have expected any less, but sometimes it still caught me off guard.

“Jiwoo--”

“--and, I-I’m _not_ ‘mad’ at you, exactly, because I know that it didn’t mean anything and that you regret doing it but, I guess I’m just...” She blinked hard, her brow wrinkling up in the middle. I could tell she’d never vocalized these thoughts before, and she was having a hard time trying to put them to words. If she needed time, I’d give her all of it. This was hard. I knew it was. “I dunno. It... hurts a bit still.” 

I appreciated her honesty. It was all I could’ve asked for, really. “Of course it does. That’s absolutely fine. I just don’t want you to think that you have to pretend like it didn’t hurt. It did.” Sure, it made our relationship a bit more complicated and less cut and dry. But had our relationship ever been simple? No. Why bother pretending? “I fucked up and I did something stupid and selfish and inconsiderate, and I need to own that.”

She scooted closer again, her grip on my hand tightening. “You _are_ owning it, though.”

It didn’t feel like I was. Deep down, it felt like I’d never make up for it. Like that hurt would always be somewhere, deep down in Jiwoo, and I couldn’t really blame her. “I guess.”

She edged closer again, probably wanting me to look at her, but I was having a hard time. “Stop beating yourself up about it.”

I smiled bitterly. “I feel like I should _keep_ beating myself up about it. Like I’ll never beat myself up enough about it.” I said I’d be one hundred percent honest, and I hadn’t been lying.

She squeezed me tighter, “No. Don’t. That was just how you were. That’s just what you used to do. I knew that, I just didn’t expect to yaknow, like, _see_ it.” It was like she was trying to make excuses for me. What she said wasn’t wrong, necessarily. In fact, she was right. That _was_ what I used to do. But making excuses or even trying to explain what I’d done just felt like I was trying to escape consequences. I wasn’t running from it anymore. I was trying not to _face_ my mistakes.

“You shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.” The only thing I could do was make my words as sincere as I possible. Because I _was_ sorry. I’d never been sorrier for anything.

She nodded, slowly, and went quiet for a while. I didn’t say anything else. “It’s... not ok, exactly, but... I accept your apology.”

I stared at her. At this girl, who’d turned my shitshow of a life upside down and somehow managed to make me care about _everything_ all over again when I’d been at what was nearly my lowest point. I’d put her through hell, dragged her through all of my garbage and baggage like an inconsiderate idiot, but she’d stayed with me. She’d stayed with me, and I loved her. I loved her more than... more than I’d ever loved anyone, and I didn’t deserve her, but here she was. With me. Despite it all. Those butterflies in my chest only intensified, consuming me, making my whole chest buzz with that comforting warmth.

Eventually, she looked back at me. She looked in my eyes, and she smiled, that beautiful, enchanting, breathtaking smile.

That was only one question, and it had been a lot. But I didn’t care. This was as many questions as she wanted it to be. “Do you have any other questions? One hundred percent honesty is still on the table.”

She nodded, as if she’d forgotten. I couldn’t blame her. I could tell that her first question had been burdening her, and she’d just been too cautious to ask.

Her next question, though? It had much less weighty connotations behind it.

“When did you start to like me more than just a hookup?”

I knew that answer in an instant. I thought about it a lot, about that moment. That definitive moment that changed things for me. The moment that made me feel more attached to her, but also made me act more distant - like an idiot.

“When you gave me the pendant. I thought it was a sign from my dad, because, of all the things you could’ve gotten me a pendant of, it was a swan. That was... kind of our thing. And I still think it’s a sign, honestly, even if that’s cheesy or dumb and that stuff isn’t real.” I looked up at the sky. At the big, fluffy clouds. I wasn’t sure why I’d looked up. I didn’t believe in anything like that, but... I did like to think that he looked out for me. Somehow. “I think it is. I think he was trying to tell me to not fuck it up with you, and even though I thought that, I still almost did.”

“You didn’t, though.” She didn’t hesitate to tell me that. Her grip on my hand tightened, almost possessively.

“I got pretty damn close.” I was amazed by the outcome of all this. Amazed she hadn’t shut me out, when she had absolutely every right to. Amazed at how selfless she was, I guess. It was still foreign to me. That someone could be so sincere, so... considerate, that she could always see the best in people even after being witness to their worst.

She scooted closer, sitting right at my side, and her hand rested gently against the small of my back, “You _didn’t_ though.”

She was right. I didn't.

“Yeah.”

We just sat there. The blossoms from the tree above us were drifting down from the light breeze, falling around us onto the blanket. One of them landed on Jiwoo’s leg and she picked it up, resting it in her palm. I watched absentmindedly as she twirled it, played with it, careful to not damage it in any way. Like it was precious.

“Did you really have a photoshoot the next morning when you left me that night after...?”

I hadn’t forgotten about that night. Not in the slightest. I didn’t like thinking about it, either. When I’d abandoned her with some contrived excuse. She’d deserved so much better than that. “No.”

`

She’d suspected that. Anyone would’ve. But I’m sure the confirmation wasn’t great to hear. “Then why’d you lie?”

I took a deep, trembling breath. Explaining my thought processes was hard. Sometimes I wasn’t even fully aware of them. They were so deeply ingrained inside me and I’d conditioned myself to not think about the consequences of my actions after the fact, since it just tended to hurt.

But I’d do anything for her. Even if it hurt. It was the least I could do.

“Because... I was scared of feeling so much for you. Jiwoo _please_ believe me when I say that I wanted _nothing_ more than to spoon you to death that night, but I was so scared of wanting to do that, I just... had to leave.” I felt like that only made sense to me.

She listened to it, and slowly responded as she rubbed a circle against my back. “I wish you’d stayed.”

“I know. I wish I’d stayed too. I was just stupid.”

The next question was immediate. Sort of like the first.

“Who... gave you that hickey?”

I hated that night. I hated that night _so_ much. Dabin and Yebin had made things so hard for Jiwoo. I should’ve left with her way sooner than I did, but I was trying to incorporate her into my life. I was trying to get closer with her. I’d just failed miserably. Fighting with her that night, on the street, while she was tipsy from shots she’d probably felt pressured to drink? It was _so_ awful.

“Some girl I met at a bar. I got super super drunk. I honestly don’t even remember her name or who she was.” I wished my honesty could be more telling, or that I remembered more details, but that was genuinely all I could recall. That’s how most of my encounters went. I’d start the night at a bar, and wake up the next morning in some girl’s room.

The repeated motion of Jiwoo’s hand slowed down for a moment before stopping altogether. “... fun.” The sting of sarcasm in her voice was sort of unfamiliar, but more than warranted.

“Yeah, it’s fucked. I’d do that just to feel something.” I moved, resting my hand gently on her thigh.

Her head rested on my shoulder, “Do you feel things now?”

“Yes.” I said it instantly, leaning my head against hers, “You make me feel _so_ many things Jiwoo. All good things.” I gently kissed her temple, “You make my chest all light and airy and... I’d started to forget what that felt like.” I lifted the hand that still loosely held onto mine, pressing the back of it lightly against my lips. She smiled. It was a small thing, but it meant so much for me to see.

“Do you ever see that girl around anymore? The one you loved first - Cheonsoo?”

I flinched. “Ah-- don’t say her name please. I really don’t like hearing it.”

“Sorry.”

I chuckled slightly, remembering the way that Yebin and Dabin would refer to her if I ever felt the need to mention her when I was drunk and dwelling. I traced loose circles against Jiwoo’s thigh, the thin, smooth fabric of her dress refreshing to touch, “Usually we just call her bitch.”

She chuckled ever so slightly, “I... will probably not call her that.”

That’s what I’d expected. “I know you won’t.”

Her fingers moved, slipping gently beneath the hem of my shirt and drumming softly against the small of my back with no coherent rhythm, as if getting lost in thought, “Can I call her Voldemort?”

Okay, I hadn’t expected that. “What?”

“Voldemort, like from Harry Pot--”

“--I know who Voldemort is. Why though?”

She already had an explanation prepared. “Because, in _Harry Potter_ you can’t say Voldemort’s name, and you don’t want me to say her name, so it’s like...” She trailed off before entering what I recognized as the onset of a full ramble, but she didn’t have to stop. I would’ve loved to hear it. I’d grown to adore them. “Nevermind I guess it’s dumb.”

“No, it’s not dumb.” I tilted my head to whisper softly into her ear, “You’re free to call her Voldemort.” I almost wanted to encourage it.

“Okay...” She trailed off. Her original question was still standing, and I had yet to answer it.

“And yeah, I do see her sometimes. Around town.” God, I hated seeing her. It made my skin crawl. I almost wanted to beat her ass in the middle of the street. Ironically, by the time I’d gotten to college, she and my ex-best-friend had broken up. Their relationship was short-lived, which was my only consolation.

Her fingers kept drumming against me, tracing soft patterns against my skin every now and then. “Do you ever talk to her?”

I scoffed slightly, “No. Absolutely not. It takes everything in me not to punch her stupid nose ring off her face.” Again, one hundred percent honesty was applicable here. I wasn’t holding anything back.

She laughed lightly, her face burrowing into my neck. I could feel the vibration of it, “Would you really do that?”

As if it was so beyond the realm of possibility. “Yeah. All of that hurt turned to a _hardcore_ grudge real quick.” It wasn’t going anywhere, either. I was pretty sure I'd take it with me to my grave.

Jiwoo gently kissed the side of my neck and I felt chills shoot down my spine as she muttered something against my skin, as if it was a secret. “I’d fight her for you if you want.”

I laughed, “I’d pay to see that.”

“I’d do it for free.” She told me, that sentiment a bit more serious than before. 

I just reached my hand up, trailing my thumb gently along her jaw. I wasn’t sure how else to put how I was feeling into words, so I tried to do it in a gesture. And I couldn’t just say “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over again. Sometimes that didn’t feel like enough.

“Hey... I... do you have any more questions?” I asked her quietly. Her head shook. I guess that was it. So... then I guess it was my turn. “Um... listen, we can still go to the zoo, if you want, but... do you think I could make a quick stop along the way...?”

“Of course.”

***

She’d gone silent once we pulled down the road to the graveyard. She knew, instantly, because of course she did. She’d been rambling about something I only sort of remember - possibly getting a cat, I think. She’d stopped, mid-sentence, and her face fell. I almost stopped the car, almost turned around. I thought she was uncomfortable, that this was too far. But then she reached and gently rested her hand on my knee, still not saying a word, and I knew things were okay. That she was okay with this.

I really wasn’t going to be long. 

She held my hand as I went up that hill. I hadn’t been there in months. I should’ve gone more, I knew I should’ve, but it was... hard. It hurt, and it never got any easier. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, so that was what I was hoping for. That was all I could hope for.

We got to it and sat on the grass. I read his name, slowly, for some reason. It felt odd to see it written out. It was only then that I noticed Jiwoo had brought the flowers I’d given her. She set them down in front of the headstone. Oh. My heart just... wrenched.

I didn’t say anything. I was never sure what to say when I came there. Talking to a tombstone like it was a person always made me feel stupid, so sometimes I’d just think what I wanted to tell him. I’d have full conversations in my head. Now, though, all I could think to do was to talk to her.

“I’ve never come here with another person before.” I told her quietly. The graveyard was empty that day. Nobody was around. A windchime hung from a nearby tree, and the breeze jostled it.

I’d never even gone there with Mom. The first month after it’d happened, she’d been there all the time. She took some time off work. She’d told me I should stop working, too. But I hadn’t. I just tried to pretend I was okay. Went to the photoshoots I had scheduled, even worked as a waitress for a little bit just to take up my time. Eventually I had to give that up. I snapped at a customer, for nothing, really, and got fired on the spot.

“Thank you for bringing me.” She told me, her words slow and careful. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing. We hadn’t really talked about this much. I knew she was in a tough position, but she wasn’t going to offend me. Although I didn’t blame her for being careful, she didn’t have to worry about that.

I smiled. At what, I’m not even sure. The lavender looked so pretty in front of the headstone where she’d put it. I started to wrack my brain, wondering if he’d ever said anything about liking lavender. I felt like he had. Even if he hadn’t, he’d appreciate the sentiment more than anything. He was such a softie.

“He would’ve loved you.” I told her in a fluttery whisper, so quiet it almost got carried away on the light breeze.

“Really?” An innocent curiosity tinged her question. I didn’t blame her for wanting to know a bit more about him, and she had every right to ask.

“Yeah. He always said he wanted me to bring home a nice girl. You definitely qualify.” She was more than nice. She was _so_ much more than nice; she was perfect, sincere, genuine, selfless, caring. _So_ much more.

She smiled slightly too. “I would’ve liked to meet him.”

I laughed a hollow laugh, feeling my eyes sting with tears, but they weren’t from sadness this time. Weirdly enough, I was sort of happy. To be here, with Jiwoo, someone I loved. To know that I had her now, that she wasn’t going to leave me, that she’d stick by my side, even at times like this. When I was opening myself up to her, being vulnerable and letting her see the parts of me I hadn’t shown to practically anyone. I wanted her to love the whole me, not just the fragments I felt like showing. And I think she did already, but... she deserved to see those parts. I wasn’t going to hide them anymore. Not from her, at least.

“Yeah. That would’ve been interesting...” There was one more thing I was supposed to tell her. Something I’d told myself I would. I remembered that day at the Roost where I’d snapped at her when she’d asked about my tattoo. I was still mad at myself for that. I remembered what she’d asked: if it had a deeper meaning. I’d said no. Got defensive. That’s what I always did, whenever anything had to do with my dad. What I _used_ to always do.

“See this?” I edged down my watch that I always wore on my wrist, fully showing my tattoo instead of just the edges peeking out.

“Yeah...” She edged her hand up, instead tracing it gently along my wrist. I was sure she also hadn’t forgotten the way I’d snapped. Maybe she was worried I’d do it again. I would _never_ snap at her again, not if I could help it.

“I got this for him.” My eyes flitted back to the grave. I’d visited the day after I’d gotten it. To show him. I wasn’t sure if he’d think it was cool, or if he’d just be playfully disappointed that I’d gotten a tattoo on such a whim, when I was a bit tipsy. Yebin and Dabin talked me into it. They didn’t get the deeper meaning, they never had. I didn’t want to tell them. It wasn’t like they’d give me grief for it or anything, but I didn’t want them to know about it. Hell, they probably thought my parents were just divorced or something.

“Oh...” I wondered if that was enough of an explanation. Honestly, she’d probably treat it like one, but she deserved more. She deserved the whole thing.

“He um... always used to be scared of swans, for some reason, so I’d tease him for it. Then he told me one day, while I was crying from some mean shit the girls at school called me... he said that one day I’d be big and scary and I’d yell back at them, and they’d be scared of me like he was scared of swans...” I stared at his tombstone, at the pretty lavender. “He started to call me his little swan, and... just...” Those tears welled up in me, clinging to my eyelashes. When I tried to blink them away, they just trailed down my cheeks. I let them. What was the point of pretending? “I-I didn’t want to forget.” I reached up, clasping the necklace she’d given me and tracing my thumb against the pendant. I’d started to do that, whenever I thought of Jiwoo, or of him. It made me feel closer to them, somehow. “I have this too, now. Thanks to you.”

**\---TW---**

**[TW - mention of self harm]**

She nodded, slowly, in understanding. Then her finger brushed along my wrist again, once, twice. I knew she could feel it. It was nearly impossible not to. I just waited. For her to ask. I knew she was going to.

It took a few more lingering seconds.

“Sooyoung... what’s this from...?” She asked that so haltingly, her whisper incredibly gentle and soft. She sounded scared. I don’t even think she wanted to know the answer.

I sniffled, instinctively pulling my hand back from her, but she just tightened her grip. I didn’t have the strength to try and break away again. Despite knowing she’d ask, I... this would probably be the hardest thing to tell her. I laughed bitterly. “I could tell you it was from a fight. Or... that I tripped when I was drunk, or got surgery when I was a kid... which story do you want...?” That’s what I was used to. Lying. Telling stories that people just tended to believe.

I knew her answer before she even needed to say it. “The real one...” She sounded unsure. I think she was scared. So was I. I didn’t want to say it. It embarrassed me. But she wanted to know. And I should tell her.

I took a long, deep breath. “The... the real one is... that I thought it was my fault my dad died when he was forty-one, and... that I... _hated_ myself more than anything...” I hadn’t thought about this in a while. Jiwoo helped me forget all the bad, so I could focus on the good. So I pushed this down. Sometimes I wouldn’t even notice the scar, for days at a time.

“I got really drunk one night, and found something... sharp, and...” I didn’t need to finish that. She could infer the rest, and I didn’t think I’d be able to say any more. She understood. And she reached closer, wrapping her hands around my forearm with white knuckles. I could feel how protective she got. The next time I blinked, more tears fell. “I’m... I was stupid. That’s all. That’s the real story. I’ve never told anyone that before.” Really. I never had.

“Nobody asked...?” She did her best to loosen her grip, probably having realized it was too tight, instead scooting closer toward me.

I shrugged, “Nobody cared enough to...” That was... part of it. Another part was that nobody got close enough to me to notice. Mom tried, but I wouldn’t let her.

She scooted closer again to get our eyes to meet. “I care. I care so so much, I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone and I--” Her sweet little voice broke, and my heart ached.

“Shh, sweetie, don’t...” I rested my forehead against hers, not liking the way her lip started to quiver. I knew she’d hate knowing this, knowing that I’d done that, that it’d happened. But... I felt like I needed to tell someone. Not just my therapist - someone I _knew_ , someone who wasn’t paid to care. “Please don’t cry.”

She didn’t listen. I saw her eyes start to get glossy. I wiped away the first trace of a tear beneath her eye before it really had a chance to leave her. “I... don’t like thinking about you being in such a dark place...”

I _had_ been in a dark place. That was true. But that felt like ages ago. Now, my life was so bright and happy and... it was all thanks to her. I didn’t like it when she cried. I didn’t like when she was sad, and I hated even more when I’d made her that way without meaning to. “Shh... it’s okay. I’d never felt that awful, I hadn’t been thinking straight. It never happened again.” I didn’t want to worry her. I’d regretted it as soon as I’d done it. Once I came to my senses from all the drinking, I just felt more dumb than anything else.   
  


“Sooyoung...” Her voice still trembled and was so weak.

“It’ll _never_ happen again, okay? I promise, I--” My reassurances were cut off by a soft, gentle kiss. Then everything bad, everything that’d been lingering on my shoulders, it... I was okay. This was okay. Things were okay, and they always would be, as long as she was with me like this. My hands edged closer, clinging loosely to her waist.

The first thing she breathed out when she drew away was a genuine, sincere, “I love you.”

My heart fluttered the way it always did when she told me that. “I love you too... and, that’s part of why I got the tattoo.” My eyes flitted to it. That silhouette of that swan, stark against my pale skin. “He would’ve _hated_ if he knew I did that, he would’ve... tried to protect me, so now when I look at it, I’m not reminded of how awful I felt when I... did it, or how sad I was, I-I’m reminded of him. Of a good memory.”

She nodded, sniffling slightly, “That’s good.”

**\---TW - > END---**

“I’m really trying...” I added on softly. That was when my voice was the weakest, because I felt silly even saying that. As if I deserved some sort of praise just for coping in a non-destructive way for once. It wasn’t a groundbreaking achievement, that was what should’ve been the default.

But of course, since it was Jiwoo, my saying that was enough to make her smile so wide and bright, that it made me smile too. Somehow. She did that so easily. “I can tell, and I’m so proud of you.” Proud of me. Wow. My chest felt light and airy.

I moved, kissing the tip of her nose because I knew it’d make her giggle. She blushed, her cheeks rosy, hiding her face in my neck. My favorite thing was making her all shy like this. “You help more than you know.” If she hadn’t come into my life when she did... maybe I would’ve spiralled even further out of control somehow. Maybe I would’ve sort of gotten it together, but never truly trusted anyone ever again. I didn’t like to think about it. It scared me.

“I’m so glad.” I knew she was.

For a while, I just held her against me, breathing in the smell of her hair, the flowery perfume she wore, and listening to the sound of those wind chimes She nestled her head further into the crook of my neck.

I made sure to think something to myself. Just for dad, so he’d hear. If he could. _This is my girlfriend, Jiwoo, Dad. She’s the love of my life, and if you met her, you’d probably do that thing where you lift her up off the ground and spin her in a big circle. She’d like that. You’d always ask her to stay for dinner, you’d buy her birthday presents and bake her all sorts of things. She’d love you, and you’d love her too._

I didn’t make her stay much longer after that. I mean, I really did want to take her to the zoo. So after a few more minutes, I wordlessly got to my feet. She followed suit, sticking close to me, as she usually did. Before I headed back down the hill to the car, I made sure to mutter softly, “Mom says hi.”

Jiwoo wordlessly swung our intertwined hands in the small space between us, like she was keeping time. She hummed a tune to herself I didn’t recognize, and I listened to it. There was still something else I’d wanted to ask her. At first, it’d just been an idea. But the longer it sat with me, the more time I spent with her, the more it became an actual plan. I needed to ask.

I cleared my throat, and her head turned to look at me. “Hey, so... next year, I don’t have to live in the dorms, and I’ve been saving to get an apartment...” She nodded along with my words, listening, but just assuming that I was talking about my plans. She wasn’t even slightly prepared for what I was about to ask her. I wasn’t even sure if I was prepared. “You don’t have to say yes, if this is... crazy, but...” Her eyes moved to me. “Would you want to move in with me?”

  
She stopped walking, her hummed tune cutting short mid-melody. I stopped as well, still connected to her by our hands. “What? Are you serious?” I read her face closely, trying to read if she was pleasantly surprised or caught off guard. From the way her eyes sparkled, and the slight traces of a cautious smile threatening to upturn the corner of her lips, I knew she was happy. Thank god.

I smiled back at her, trying to show as best as I could that this was real. That I couldn’t have possibly been more serious. “Yeah. I’m committed, Jiwoo, trust me. You’ve got me royally whipped.”

She squealed quietly to herself, flooded with joy, “Ha! How do you like it for once!” As if a part of me hadn’t always been whipped for her. Drawn to her.

Again, I didn’t hesitate. “I really like it.”

She blushed, edging closer to me. Her next words reflected how fast her mind must’ve been racing, tumbling out of her almost incomprehensibly, “I-I’d love to move in with you, trust me, but I’d need to like, figure some things out first that’s all, like, I’d have to talk to my parents, and--”

I politely cut her off, “No, of course. I know. It’s just... on the table.” She nodded, and I knew she’d definitely need some more time to process that offer, but for right then, I just led her down that hill. Got her moving. The skip in her step returned in full force.

Before we’d gotten to the car, she spoke softly to me, her tone dreamy and distant. “That’d be nice, though, wouldn’t it?”

“Living together? Yeah. That’d be really nice.” I brought her hand up to my lips, kissing the back of it. She leaned into me as we walked.

“I’d get to see you every day.” She slowed our pace, like she’d wanted this walk to last longer than it needed to.

“You already _do_ see me almost every day.” And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I liked the idea of her being clingy with me, because I was honestly just as clingy with her. It was validating to know it wasn’t one-sided. Reassuring.

“Yeah, but I mean like...” Her head tilted up at me, just to stare, and I felt warmth coming to my cheeks. That happened sometimes, from the way she’d look at me, like I was just... gorgeous. “I’d be able to wake up and you’d be there. That’s all I want. To have you be the first thing I see in the morning.”

  
My heart swelled to three times its size, buzzing with a comforting warmth and fuzziness. The sentiment was mutual. When I thought about us living together, I’d think more of the nights. When it got dark, and I needed to sleep, and I was stuck with the dreams. Taking a risk every time I shut my eyes. “I just want to be able to curl up with you every night. After a long day, just to come home, and have you be there.”

She giggled again, clearly liking letting her mind wander in this way. She gasped excitedly, and I knew she was about to ramble. Good. I liked when she rambled. “Oooh, we could make dinners together! And, like, maybe we could get a pet, if the apartment would allow pets of course, but even if they didn’t I’m sure we could get a fish or something! Oh my god, Sooyoung we can _decorate_ , and I have _so_ many _ideas_ for _decorating_ , and your mom’s a designer so I bet she has swatches and fabric and color schemes and--”

We’d gotten to the car by that point, but she hadn’t stopped. And she wouldn’t let me go to get in the passenger’s side, so I cut her off with a soft, gentle kiss. She shook slightly from the contact at first, then just smiled.

I drew back, “Yes. We can do _all_ of that, once you talk to your parents, and get things figured out.” She nodded slowly, looking like she just wanted to kiss me again. Which would’ve been fine, but I decided to get us back on track. “The zoo, remember?” 

I’d never seen her hop into a car so fast.

***

Jiwoo’s room had quickly become one of my favorite places, and her parents became some of my favorite people. They’d accepted me in an instant, having hounded Jiwoo for weeks about meeting me. Her dad sort of reminded me of... but it was nice. More comforting than anything else. Her mom treated me like her own. I felt welcome there. It was cozy, and Jiwoo’s room was just all of those sensations amplified.

Her bed was covered in stuffed animals, all of which had their own names, of course. She had pictures and notes from all her friends in a cute little shoebox next to her nightstand. The notes varied from sentimental, heartfelt birthday letters to flippant notes she’d received in class that said “sup loser.” She kept them all, because to her, anything from her friends “deserved to be kept.”

It was late. We’d stayed at the zoo until it closed, and then got something to eat. Jiwoo had started rambling again about what it’d be like to live together, and I hadn’t stopped her that time, so we got back to her place later than either of us had thought. I’d planned on driving back home, but when she hugged me extra tight and whispered gently that she wished I’d stay, I changed my mind in a heartbeat.

For once, though, I texted my Mom. Said I was spending the night at Jiwoo’s, so she didn’t have to wonder and stay up late fretting about what I was up to. She responded with a kissy-face emoji.

Now, I just laid at Jiwoo’s side in her bed, my arms wrapped around her middle, listening to her breathing. She’d turned her sound machine on, because it helped her sleep, and although at first I thought the noise would bother me, it actually made me start to doze off. I almost didn’t want to. I was just... so _content_ to lay with her like that, to be with her, to have her close against me and to feel her soft, delicate fingers tracing circles against my hands.

Right as I was about to fully pass out, her voice pulled me from it.

“Are you scared of the future?” Her voice was soft. Nearly inaudible. As if she hadn’t wanted to wake me, if I’d already fallen asleep. Thankfully, I was awake, so I heard the lingering worry and underlying fear in her tone.

I shifted where I laid. “Huh? Where’s that coming from?”

“I dunno...” Jiwoo had always been bad at lying. Especially to me. But why was she even trying to lie? What was the point? What was she trying to hide from me?

“Yes I think you do know...” I trailed off, not wanting to push, but wanting to know. I liked it when she opened up to me, because more than anything I just wanted to help her. She’d already helped me _so_ much, with _so_ many different things. All I could hope was that I’d be able to return the favor someday, even slightly.

It took her a minute or so of silence, where she just wordlessly traced her fingers against my skin. She shuffled backward slightly, further into my grasp.

“I... sometimes I wonder if I could even actually be a singer.” I struggled to hear her. She must’ve been so nervous to admit that.

“Baby... of course you can. You have an amazing voice, and I’ve seen you on stage before. You’ve got such good charisma.” She was shaking ever so slightly and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like Jiwoo being uncertain of herself, or even remotely doubting her unmistakable talent.

She shook her head a bit, “What if you’re just saying that cuz you like me, though?” I could tell by the way she asked the question that it was a fear of hers. A persisting fear.

I pressed my lips lightly against the back of her neck for a moment, “Yeah, I like you, but I also love you, and I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t do that anymore. I’m telling you the truth when I say that I genuinely think you can make it.” I wasn’t lying. Jiwoo’s talent was breathtaking, the kind of thing you see really rarely in person. I’d honestly never seen anything like it. I felt like a starstruck schoolgirl whenever she sung.

She didn’t say a word, but she hadn’t fallen asleep. I felt the way she trembled. I hated the thought of her going to bed with all these conflicting thoughts bouncing around her head. I hoped I could quiet them slightly.

I remembered something she’d said to me before. “Jiwoo, why would you think I could be a model full time if you don’t think you can be a singer full time?”

She shrugged, “I dunno, you have connections and stuff, and connections are _so_ important. I... don’t have any of those.” I hated how scared she sounded. Like she was already sure that she wasn’t going to get anywhere with singing, with the one thing she was _really_ passionate about. I didn’t want her to think that.

I just tightened my grip on her, trying to emphasize my next words. “That doesn’t _matter_. You’re special, and people notice special, connections or not.” I genuinely believed that.

“I guess?” I squeezed her again. It shouldn’t be a question. It was a certainty. “I’m... just trying to be more realistic about it. Maybe I could get some other job that does singing? Like a vocal coach or something? A music teacher? I dunno...”

I nodded ever so slightly, “Yeah. Hey, it never hurts to think of alternatives, but I just don’t want you to give up on your dream. Okay? Promise me.”

Her head tilted slightly in my direction, so I could catch the faintest glimpse of her profile. “Promise you what?”

“That you won’t give up on it.” She couldn’t. She just couldn’t.

“But... what if my dream changes and I-I wanna do something else?”

“Then don’t give up on that one either. Jiwoo, you deserve the absolute best, and nothing less than that, so I don’t want you to accept less.” I wanted her to be as happy as she could. And I knew - I’d _seen_ her sing, and it was when she was happiest, I swear. I wanted that to be her job, I wanted her to be happy for a living.

“I... if you say so.” That was such a flippant response.

I tightened my grip, holding her to me. “I do say so.”

We got quiet again. Her breathing wasn’t as even now, and she was still quaking in my grasp. I was more tired than I thought - drained emotionally from this entire day, but I kept myself awake with sheer willpower because I knew that she had something else to say. I just knew she did. So I waited for it.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Huh?”

“Are you scared of the future?” Oh. Right. The question.

Before, my answer would’ve been long, complicated, and difficult for me to say, if I even decided to answer at all. Now? With her, in my arms like this? It was immediate. Practically instinctual. “No.”

She hadn’t expected it. She turned slightly, laying on her back so she could look into my eyes, as if wanting to check to see if there was any uncertainty in them. There wasn’t. “How? It’s _so_ scary.” She reached up, resting her hand gently on my jawline.

I made sure to stare deeply at her, as intensely as I could, so she’d believe me. “Because as long as you’re with me, there’s nothing to be scared of.”

Her eyes sparkled in that way that made me breathless, and she smiled. A real smile. Her thumb gentle traced against my skin, sleepiness making her eyelids flutter. “Sooyoung, I really really love you.”

I smiled back at her, moving to kiss her neck, her cheek, then the top of her head. She giggled sleepily, burying her face into my sweater. “I love you too. Duh.” She giggled again, trailing her hands down to loosely wrap around my waist. “Go to sleep, okay? It’s late, and you have work early.”

She nodded, her response muffled against the fabric, “Okay.”

***

_“Ha Sooyoung.” My principal’s voice snapped me out of the daze I’d fallen into from his dull speech. I knew I should’ve been paying attention, this was significant and symbolic and all that, but I didn’t care._

_It was childish for me to still be bitter about dad not coming, but... I dunno, I sort of also felt justified in being bitter. This was such an important day. I didn’t ask him for much, couldn’t he just get the day off? Not even the day, even just a few hours? Was I not worth the effort or something?_

  
_I scolded myself internally, blinking hard and getting to my feet. While I walked to get that damned diploma and finally be done with this godforsaken place, I looked out at the crowd. Mom should’ve been in the first few rows, where there were seats reserved for the parents. I’d even gotten a seat reserved for my dad, just to be petty. Maybe it wasn’t petty, maybe I was just hoping he’d show up after all. That he’d surprise me, despite what he said. Mom wasn’t there, though. Huh? I’d seen her earlier, where had she gone?_

_I almost stopped walking, faltering slightly mid-stride from my confusion, but everyone was staring at me, so I kept going. I took the diploma, shook the hand, smiled for the picture, the whole thing. Just as I was heading back to my seat, I spotted mom. She was standing in the back, near the exit, staring at me, but she didn’t look proud. She didn’t look happy, even, just... I’d never seen her like that. My stomach dropped. What was going on...?_

“Sooyoung?”

I snapped awake, feeling myself already entering a cold sweat, struggling to breathe. Fuck. Again. I’d had it again, but this time, it hadn’t run its course. No, for once it got interrupted, by Jiwoo’s face inches from mine, her small hands shaking me back and forth.

“Sooyoung wake up, hey...” She was worried. I felt her hand starting to rub circles against my back, pulling me close. I couldn’t look at her, still just trying to blink away the _burning_ image of that _damn_ gymnasium and all the chairs and smiling faces, and then my mom... just... _devastated_ among them. “Hey, hey, it’s okay... it’s okay...” I swallowed back the tears. I didn’t want to do that. No crying. Not right now. Jiwoo clung to me harder, finally wrapping me in her arms. “It was nothing, it was just a bad dream, it wasn’t real.”

But it was real. That had happened, all of it, and it’d changed everything for me.

I let myself be held, just trying so hard to make myself stop _thinking_ about it. I didn’t think I’d have the dream again so soon, since I’d had it literally the night before. I thought it’d be safe to sleep over. I hadn’t meant to wake her. “Sorry...”

“Sorry? No. None of that. What would you be sorry for?”

I already felt myself falling back asleep. That never happened, never after that dream, but her soft voice right in my ear and her warmth radiating into me was making me start to doze off. “I woke you up...”

She shrugged, dismissing my concerns with a simple explanation, “I wasn’t sleeping that great anyways.”

“Sorry.” I felt bad that she couldn’t sleep. That her own worries about her future had kept her up. I wished I could somehow help with that.

“Stop it. You’re ok, you’re here with me, everything’s fine...” She kissed my head, stroking my hair, and I’d never felt more safe in my life.

Safe enough to talk about it. Safe enough to tell her what the dream had been in the first place. “It... I have that dream a lot.” I rested my head on her chest so I could hear her heartbeat, instantly relaxed by the rhythm of it.

“What is it?”

I traced my fingers along the pattern of her shirt, “It’s... it’s just me reliving graduation. And... what happened.” That was enough. That was all I had in me, when I was this tired, and she understood the rest.

“Oh.... I’m sorr--”

I wouldn't let her finish that word. “You don’t apologize either.”

She nodded, knowing I was serious and not trying again. “Okay.... do you want to talk about it?”

God, no I didn’t. I was so _tired_. “No. No, I’m... there’s not much to talk about. Thank you.”

“For what?”

For so much. For everything. But I didn’t tell her that. “For being here. For sticking with me.”

She chuckled sweetly, and I loved the sound of it. “You wouldn’t be able to get rid of me if you tried.”

  
I let myself laugh a bit, too. “I know. And I love that about you.”


End file.
